Dancing on the Bar of Life

Don't Disappoint Miss Piggy (PR 10.3)

2012-01-24T21:38:00.001-05:00

So I realize I am way way way overdue with this post, blame my ever blossoming social life. It was like last week Every.Single.One. of my friends wanted to go out and so I didn't have my veg out time on the couch like normal, so I got way behind on tv. I know #firstworldproblems right? Anyways on with the show!

Kenley's dress

Challenge: Create a Cocktail dress for Miss Piggy!

I love me some muppets, so this challenge made so excited! I mean I saw the new Muppet movie on opening weekend, so anytime there is a Muppet anywhere I'm there. And the claws are out kitties in the design room, Kara and Mondo fight over gloves, Mondo doesn't like Gordana's outfit, Mila thinks Kenley is needy. This is the kind of drama that people like on Project Runway. As opposed to Hitler Gretchen and whiny-ass Anya from the last couple seasons. Also, they might hate each others designs and want to win, but these designers know how to kick-back and get along with each other. I mean its just so much more fun to watch people who can actually have fun during a competition.

Gordana's dress

Onto Runway: In a weird way it feels like a lot of the designers didn't really think about the proportions of Miss Piggy and how they would have to scale down a dress for her. Most of them made pretty dresses but the people in the top seemed to really think about flamboyancy, personality, and how to work with Miss Piggy's body top. The people in the bottom really didn't get that. Mila made this very straight black Mod dress, but Piggy is a Muppet- you need something to cinch her waist otherwise she won't have a waist. Austin, similarly, did a very intricate constructed dress that just wouldn't translate well into a miniature form with these huge bows on the side that would just make Miss Piggy look wider. Gordana's dress might have worked well but it just wasn't special enough.

Rami's Dress

On the flip side, the designers in the top were smart about it. Kenley made a very A-line dress in pink Giraffe print that would have looked adorable in miniature size with enough whimsy that works for Miss Piggy. I didn't love the big head piece she put on her model, it looked like it could eat Miss Piggy whole. But overall the design was really cute. I wasn't so in love with Michael's dress. The print was weird and black really isn't a Miss Piggy color but it was a pretty dress and had some interesting details too it. When Rami's dress walked out I instantly thought- WINNER- with bells ringing. He made an adorable flamenco dancer looking dress in this polka dot pattern that was flouncy and whimsy enough for Miss Piggy and would look great in smaller proportions without losing what was special about the dress in the first place.

Top: Rami, Michael, Kenley
Winner: Michael

Bottom: Austin, Gordana, Mila
Out: Gordana

The Point Where Everyone Starts Freaking Out (PR 10.2)

2012-01-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay on this guys! I was out with a boy Thursday night, I had a concert to hit on Friday and then Saturday was spent being a vegetable on my couch. Anyways when we last left our fearless fashion All-Stars, nobody was sad whackadoodle Elisa was going home.

Challenge: Badgley Mischka come out and tell the designers to make an evening gown for the opera in 1 day.

Kenley's

Of course everyone is freaking out saying that evening gowns aren't there strong suit, and lamenting how this is totally Austin Scarlett's challenge to lose. He seems to know it too. I mean Austin was designing wedding dresses for the last couple years. He is the couture dress designer.

And were off to Mood where whiney-ass Michael Costello promptly freaks out because April is also making a red dress. Dude, its a fucking color that is used A LOT for evening wear. You wouldn't be freaking out if another designer was making a black dress, why are you freaking out because April is making a red one? I'm finding Michael Costello to be slightly more obnoxious and annoying this season than season 8, and we're only 2 episodes in. Kenley on the other hand gets this adorable pink fabric with black polka dots that I love, but am confused on how she's going to make it evening wear.

Anthony's

Joanna Coles makes her way around the design room, and I have to give her props. Nobody could take the place of our beloved Tim Gunn, but she does a fabulous job critiquing. Instead of going warm and fuzzy the way Mr. Gunn does, Coles is just honest and asks the right questions. She shoots straight telling April that hand dying her dress is a waste of time, telling Austin that everyone thinks he has this challenge in the bag and asking Anthony if he is making a wedding dress. While she is scanning the room we get to see some other designers dress and my thoughts are: OMG What the Fuck is Sweet Pea making. It's an orange and pink concoction with feathers. From the looks of it she's totally missing the mark, but time will tell. In other WTF thoughts, I got to ask what Kara is thinking. The fabric is so day-at-the-park and not night-at-the-opera.

Onto the runway: I love love loved Michael Costello's dress. Home boy might have had a mild freak out over nothing earlier, but he made a dress that just blew the competition away. I mean if I had the body, I'd be wearing that feather and crystal extravaganza to the opera. I also super loved Kenley's pink dress, and Anthony's white dress. Anthony's dress was deceptivally simple but executed so well and really really goregous.

Sweet P's

On the flip side: April's dress is disgusting. The fabric dying was just all wrong, it made her dress look like the model walked in mud to get to the runway. The queen of doom and gloom is definitely back this season, and the new judges don't like it, and neither do I. I don't want to go to the opera looking like I'm going to murder everyone there. Sweet P's dress was a bohemian granola crunchy mess that was so so so not opera at all.

Top: Austin, Anthony, Michael
Winner: Austin

Bottom: April, Sweet P, Kara
Out: Sweet P

So Far 2012 Doesn't Suck

2012-01-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

Okay I realize that we're only 10 days into 2012, and that any presumptions on how the year is going to be based on the first 10 days are a totally ridiculous. But 2012 hasn't sucked for me yet, thus far:

I got my own desk at my job! I was previously sharing a desk with another girl, which is why I only went into work 12-5 everyday. Now I have to go in 9-5, which means no more sleeping till 10. That part sucks, but having my own office means I have my own desk to put my Star Wars Gumball machine on.

How cute is he?

I got nominated for Sexiest Blogger (female, obviously) for the Bootleg awards on 20-something bloggers. I'm not going to tell you to vote for me (especially since I'm up against my girl Harley, who has got the sexiest accent ever) I will however redirect you to the post I wrote about it last year in the hopes that it inspires you. I also got nominated for Feature Blogger for February. While I don't believe I have any chance at winning either award, its an honor just to be nominated and frankly I'm a little floored people even read this blog.
There may be a new boy. Its too early to tell if this guy is going to actually come up to scratch or if he's content just flirting with me. It's also too early to tell if he's going to have the balls to deal with me or not, but its nice knowing there is a possibility on the horizon. That is if he doesn't stop blowing every chance I give him.

So so far 2012, you have my vote for awesomeness. Now lets not jack it up with any of that Mayan-end-of-the-world nonsense.

Project Runway All-Stars Arrives! (PR 10.1)

2012-01-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

Here it is! The highly anticipated Project Runway All-Stars. While I've already bemoaned some of these supposed "all-stars" versus people I think they should have brought back. Here is the run down of who actually is going to be competing for the biggest prize ever (line sold at Nieman Marcus, guest editor for Marie-Claire, sewing machines, fabric printers and tech and office space, and 100,000 cash)

Rami's outfit

Austin Scarlett- Season 1 (4th place)
Kara Janx- Season 2 (4th place)
Elisa Jimenez- Season 4 (10th place) aka Wackadoodle
Rami Kashou- Season 4 (2nd place)
Sweet P- Season 5 (5th place)
Jerell Scott- Season 5 (4th place)
Kenley Collins- Season 5 (2nd place)
Gordana Gehlhausen- Season 6 (4th place)
Anthony Williams- Season 7 (5th place)
Mila Hermanovski- Season 7 (2nd place)
April Johnson- Season 8 (5th place)
Michael Costello- Season 8 (4th place)
Mondo Guerra- Season 8 (2nd place)

I'm going to call it now: I think Austin Scarlett, Mondo and Kenley are going to be the top 3. I think Rami probably should be in the top 3, but there is no way in hell that Lifetime is going to have a final 3 without a woman. It just won't happen and Kenley, while a pain in the ass, makes adorable, stylish clothes. Plus lifetime loves a villainess (see Season 8).

Up first they had each designer bring a piece with them and they suit up their models and make them walk right away. My initial reactions are cute; weird; cute prom dress; Austin Scarlett you can do better; Did Elisa really make that dress? Adorable Rami; is white chiffon really high class? OMG April you made another funeral dress; cute; cute; really cool.

And then the challenge comes and its the unconventional materials challenge! OMG Squeee! These are always my favorite challenges of the season. I mean you knew Austin Scarlett was a front runner in season1 when he made a dress from corn husks. Same with Jillian in season 4 when she made a dress from Twizzlers. This time they took them to the 99 cent store but their look has to be inspired from the outfit they previously showed.

Gordana's dress

The contestants are grabbing mops, dishtowels, feather dusters, umbrellas finger paint, paper bags, and tinfoil. And then they start sewing and the trash-talking starts. Jerell dislikes Sweet P's ruffly hand-towel dress, and Mondo thinks Gordana's dress reminds him of a pinta at a Mexican Easter. Also, we've confirmed that Elisa is still a wackadoodle and will now be known as such.

And then we got to the part everyone really cares about: RUNWAY! There were some amazing outfits. Rami's suit (made with shopping bags and umbrellas, pictured above) was amazing and really couture looking. I mean made from umbrellas it was really amazing. I thought Kenley's shower mat and loofa dress was really whimsical looking, young and hip. Jerell managed to make an almost identical version of his first dress from scarves and placemats, which was kind of shocking, and it was gorgeous.

Mondo's dress

And there were some let downs. I love Mondo but his dress (from binders and electrical tape) just didn't WOW me, it was basic black with some really cool features but it looked like something April would have done and that isn't good. Mila whole outfit from gift bags and curtain liners was just weird and funky and not in a good way. I couldn't see anyone wearing that. Sweet P took the easy way out with a frumpy hippie terry-cloth towel dress, it was pretty but not very interesting or inventive. I can sew towels together. Gordana's streamers dress was a cute idea but it wasn't executed well and had too many parts and made her model look fat. Making a model look fat is a no-no.

Top: Mondo, Rami, Jerell
Winner: Rami
Bottom: Sweet P, Gordana, Elisa
Out: Elisa

2011 Year in Review (Part 2)

2012-01-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

So even though 2011 is officially over now, I figure I had some leeway with getting my annual Year in Review up. So without further ado my year end awards.

Best Song: Rolling in the Deep by Adele (This song was everywhere)
Honorable Mentions: Save me, San Francisco by Train

Best Album: Adele, 21
Honorable Mentions: Vices & Virtues by Panic at the Disco (I still love my emo boys)

Best Movie: The Muppets
Honorable Mentions: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Best Tv Show: Chuck (In its 5th season it just keeps getting better)
Honorable Mentions: Revenge,

Best New Tv Show: 2 Broke Girls (Kat Dennings cracks me up)
Honorable Mentions: Revenge, Hart of Dixie

Worst TV Show: Project Runway- That finale was a disaster and Anya winning drove a nail in the coffin.
Honorable Mentions: Charlie's Angels, New Girl

Best Book: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang (not actually published this year, just read this year)
Honorable Mentions: The Orchid Affair, Compact with the Devil, Supreme Courtship

Best Moment in my Life 2011: Moving out of my parents house!
Honorable Mentions: Getting an awesome new job.

There you have it, my year in review. Feel free to disagree with all of it, except the Muppets. If you don't think the Muppets was the best movie this year- you don't have a soul.

SUNDAY Vids: Year in Review (Part 1)

2012-01-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

So its that time of year again... time for me to post JibJab's annual Year in Review. I love jibjab and I post these every year. This year's isn't as funny as a few previous years but it's worth showing anyways. Take it away boys...

And because it was fricken hilarious, a Bonus Vid! My favorite late night funny-man Jimmy Fallon had the Late Night Topical Carolers.

Project Runway: I Just Can't Quit You

2011-12-29T18:24:00.000-05:00

I know I swore off blogging Project Runway after season 8 ended in the most ridiculously wrong winner in the history of the show. Frankly, season 9 wasn't much better and while my mother and I have finished feuding over whether or not Anya should have won (she made the same dress like 20 times, that is not innovative!), I'm still bitter over how much Lifetime has ruined my once beloved show.

That being said I would be downright lying if I didn't admit that the up-coming Project Runway All-Stars has me all twitterpated. I mean look at this cast:

Austin Scarlett! Kenley! Anthony! Michael Costello! Rami! Mondo! Sweet Pea! Jerell!

Now I don't love all the choices. I would much rather see season 4's Jillian; season 3's Uli, Kayne and Mychael Knight; Season 2's Daniel Vosovic and Nick Verros; or seasons 6's Carol Hannah. But I can't always have everything I want.

That being said I am toying with the idea of blogging this season. I can't promise it won't make me homicidal. Yes, her royal snarly-face Nina and Queen of Snark Michael Kors won't be there. And neither will my beloved Tim Gunn or Heidi, apparently Project Runway All-Stars was taped as concurrently with Project Runway Season 9 and the judges couldn't do both shows. Even with Nina and Michael gone, they replaced them with Issac Mizrahi- who is by far the most annoying judge of anything ever (see The Fashion Show).

I don't know, should I give the show one last go-around?

SUNDAY PIC: Christmas Survivor 2011

2011-12-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

For long time readers of my blog, you guys already know that at my house on Christmas we play a little game we call "Christmas Survivor" (Really it should be called Christmas Minute to Win it now, but that doesn't have the same ring to it). For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, please see the previous posts on the subject. Onto this year's games:

Challenge One: Stack 7 Ding-Dongs on your head using only one hand. Ding-Dongs must stay there for 3 seconds with touching it.


Soooo much harder than it looks


How cute is Lil' Miss Sis trying though?

Challenge Two: Wrap a roll of toilet paper around yourself by keeping your hands at your side and spinning in circles.


We both couldn't stand up straight after this

Challenge Three: Using only a Pizza Box, fan an egg from one end of the kitchen to a designated square at the other end.


Lil' Miss Sis and Baby Sis had to try this one too

And then Baby Sis put the box on top of her egg and smushed it

And while I mastered the first challenge (only after getting chocolate in my contacts and getting supremely pissed off), UNC-Sis took challenge's two and three in nail-biter contests. She got a Turbie-Twist hair towel.

Shit Has Been Making Me Irrationally Crazy

2011-12-19T17:56:00.000-05:00

This time of year always brings out the totally bat-shit crazy side of me. I always have 8 million things going on and then Christmas Shopping is never easy for me, so at any moment my head is likely doing this:

Which means any number of things that wouldn't even register on my radar normally, cause me to completely freak out and want to kill someone. So please don't do any of these things in my presence or online until well after the New Year, kthanx?

The word is ANGEL not Angle. Angle is something you use in geometry. It is not the winged thing that sits in heaven. It is not the costume. Your sweetheart 4 year old is not a "little angle" unless she's part of an isosceles triangle. Please learn the correct spelling bitches.

Leaving the fucking shopping cart in the middle of the aisle so it is blocking everyone's way. Like way to be inconsiderate douchebags. If you haven't noticed every store is packed because its fucking Christmas time! So please make it that much harder for me to get my hands on that precious Lalaloopsy doll so that I beat you to death with it, after I wrestle it out of the hands of some 72 year old granny with no teeth.

The kids that drive my dogs crazy. Listen I'm about to sound like a 90 year old man shaking a stick in my front yard or something, so I apologize in advance for that. But I live in an apartment complex and there are these young teenage - early 20s kids who hang out on the stairwell out front of my apartment. Which would be fine but they are always knocking on the wall, or the door or making loud stomping noises or getting into fights right outside of my door. This would all be well and good except everytime they do one of these things my dogs lose it and proceed to bark their fucking puppy brains out. And the minute I get the dogs to stop, the kids do something to start them back up again. I spend between 1-3 hours a night just trying to get my damn dogs to stop barking. Also, its fucking cold out- can't these kids go inside.

Dear members of my family, please stop making it hard to shop for you. Have some god-damn hobbies so that I can buy you things. Personally I'm not crazy about buying people an Outback gift card every Christmas. You have to like something besides food!

Why Your Online Dating Emails Suck (Part 2)

2011-12-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

So some time ago circa July 2010 I wrote a blog telling people why their online dating emails suck in the hopes that people would stop sending out sucky messages. Unfortunately people have not heeded my advice and the emails have gotten worse, also so have the profiles. So in the spirit of Christmas, pull up a chair and I will help the needy know why they suck again.

1. If something like this is written on your profile:

~#Dating site logic dictates that the women on this site have no time for an intelligent and hard working guy so carry on elsewhere ;)#~

Nothing about that sentence makes me want to message you. It screams "Bitter party of one right here." Lets just insult every woman on the site, that's going to guarantee you get laid right? Listen, dating fuck sucks. There is a lot of rejection and women are bitches and men are just out to screw you. But you can't say that in a dating profile! Also you can't say this either:

Hey any keepers out there? Why is dating in [redacted] so hard!? I hate Fake people!!! I'm not into plus size girls No Drama or games please

Wow, there is so much wrong in those sentences I don't know where to begin. Obviously there are no keepers out there or at least ones that aren't up to his standards. Also this is all his profile says. He doesn't say anything about why he's single or what he does for hobbies or why he's a great guy. He's too busy judging women as fake or drama queens to actually you know have a coherent thought about himself. No girl is going to read this and think "I want to know him better." Also the random capitalization just makes me want to shank him.

2. Your using your cellphone/mirror to take a picture of yourself:

This guarantees I will not respond to a guy's message. First of all, dumbassess, if you own a camera that was made post 2001 it has a self-timer function on it. Learn how to use it, love it, because it will make you look like less of a dumbass. Nothing is more retarded looking than seeing someone's phone/camera in a picture of them. I don't even pay attention to the person's face in these pictures. I'm too busy playing "guess that model of phone."

Also all it does is suggest to me that you don't have any friends to take your picture. Because if you own a cellphone or camera and you have friends, 10-1 some drunk female friend of yours is going to be all "OMG lets take a picture!!!" How do I know this? Because I'm female and I have those drunks friends, and nobody leaves their house without a phone.

3. Your message contains less than 4 words in it:

Yesterday alone, I received 4 messages that didn't have a complete sentence in it. "Hey" and "Whats up" are not proper messages. All that suggests is that these men took one look at my picture and thought "I'd probably bang her" and sent me a message. Listen boys I'm not going to put in any more effort than you did. I quickly clicked delete and moved on with my life. Next time try reading the girls profile and picking out something interesting about her and then send a message with a question in it. Girls love talking about themselves, give them a reason to.

Also "You're pretty, wanna chat?" is also not going to illicit a response except for me to go take anti-nausea medicine so I don't vomit all over myself. I don't want to chat with you assholes, I don't even know you. And frankly if thats the most scintillating conversation you can muster, you won't last 3 seconds in a chat room with me.

Confession: Bah Humbug and Shit

2011-12-08T20:10:00.001-05:00

Confession: I've been a bit of a scrooge this year. It's 17 days until Christmas and I haven't put up my tree, or bought a single present yet. I haven't even bought a package of cherry candy canes, and I love those things.

The thing is normally I love Christmas. While I don't believe in putting my tree up in the beginning of November and leaving it up until the end of the January, I do normally have my tree up by now. I love Christmas because I love the presents. Not so much the receiving of presents which makes me feel awkward and selfish and weird, but because I love buying presents and giving presents. I love picking out wrapping paper and making silly little bows and wrapping the presents and the glitter, oh the glitter. Gay men are the only people that love glittery wrapping paper more than me. I love decorating the Christmas tree, because its more shiny and glittery and twinkly stuff, and frankly my apartment is in desperate need of some glitter and sparkle.

For whatever reason this year, I just haven't been in the Christmas mood. I'm pretty sure most of the blame goes to the fact that I have about 52 bucks in my checking account right now (YA! for payday tomorrow). But I am bound and determined to get into the Christmas spirit this weekend if it kills me ~~and it might~~! Because if I don't get into the spirit soon, I'm totally going to be the biggest Scrooge on Christmas and my mother will probably beat me to death.

SUNDAY PIC: Eat Me!

2011-12-04T07:30:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas time which means gingerbread houses! Here are some super cool pop-culture ones. They are too awesome to eat!


The House from UP!


An AT-AT from Star Wars


Angry Birds

How awesome are those? That takes more skill and patience than I have. See the full list of Awesome pop-culture gingerbread houses at Flavorwire.

Geeky Gifts

2011-12-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't been around a lot recently. I'm settling in at my new full-time job of being the lead writer for a news/advertising/tourist website. It's a small company that does a lot of things, so I wear a lot of hats and I go to a lot of meetings. But I totally love every second of it.

Which doesn't mean I'm not paying attention to the fact that Christmas is right around the corner (trust me my pocketbook knows). So I thought I'd share five geeky things I want for Christmas. In no particular order:

Floppy Disk Sticky Notes

(How cute are those? This coming from someone who remembers using floppy disks)

Lego Storage Boxes

Han Solo in Carbonite Ice Cube Trays

(Because those are vital to every party)

Star Wars Trash Compacter Bookends

(Because there isn't enough Star Wars in my house already)

Mushroom Tap Light

(No house is complete without a little Mario)

Now that I have given you my geeky list, I hope you all still ~~pretend to~~ respect me in the morning.

Computer Death

2011-11-22T16:05:00.001-05:00

Life Update: My faithful computer of 5 years has officially bitten the big one. I am writing this to you from my work computer, so I am not without internet completely. I just only have it 12-5 (or 9-5 depending on the day). I have my old faithful computer patched currently so I can still do work and get emails from it, but lets just say I won't be around much until I get a new one. I may get a new one as early as Friday, I might not get one until after Christmas (which is about as long as this patch is going to hold). I will miss this computer, it got me through grad school, but it was sorely overdue for a new one. I'll be back in action as soon as I can.

SUNDAY PIC: Ewww Twilight

2011-11-20T11:44:00.001-05:00

WIN

Stolen from Failblog

Coyote Tits vs. Things I'm Not Thankful For

2011-11-17T09:43:00.001-05:00

So I realize I haven't been on much in the last week and I've had some shake-ups in my life which have caused me to actually think about my life. But now that they have worked themselves out, I promise to get back to my usual 2-3 blog posts a week regiment. Because everybody needs a little more Tits in their lives, right?

Anyways with Thanksgiving a week away, I thought I would give you lists of what I am thankful/not thankful for this year.

I Am Thankful For:

Moving out of my parents
Getting fired from my waitressing job so that I can focus my time on my writing job
My writing job (best job I've ever had)
My obnoxious terriers, because they make my life funny
The Nip Clique because they get me through everything
The 70 degree weather we are having in South Carolina

Things I am Not Thankful For:

Getting fired from my waitressing job (1st time I've ever been fired from ANY job)
Justin Bieber
Chuck being in its final season
Kim Kardashian still being in the news
My best friend living on the other side of the country (do you hear me G-Fab?!?)

So what are you not thankful for this year?

Fuck You Daylight Savings Time

2011-11-08T08:51:00.000-05:00

It's 8 o'clock in the morning as I am typing this, which is about 2 hours before I normally wake up and 3 hours before I am a functional person. The only reason I am even awake at this time is because of motherfucking daylight savings time (also I have a 9 o'clock conference call but that's a moot point).

Most people love daylight savings time at least in the fall when they get to roll their clocks back and sleep an extra hour. I used to love it too, until my biological clock said fuck this shit I don't care what time you think it is. I know what time it really is. See daylight savings time is a figment of our imaginations. We created it about 70 years ago to save energy. But my biological clock refuses to believe that bullshit anymore and has decided I am going to listen to it instead.

This is true of my dogs too. They have no concept of time; they're dogs. So they go to bed and get up everyday at the same time regardless of what the clock says. So they used to wake me up at 8 am to go out. Now its 7 am. I used to go to bed at midnight, now its 11 o'clock. I'm starting to feel like an old person.

Close Encounters of the Nerdy Kind

2011-11-03T08:30:00.000-04:00

So I don't really have too much to say. I've got a lot of outside (the internet) crap going on. I do, however, have some notes of the nerdy kind:

I started a FB page for my blog. I don't actually think I need it. I just felt like I should have it cause it seems to be what you do with your blog. I don't claim to be a blogging expert on this shit or whatever. But go like me so I don't feel like the last picked in gym class.
My Friends and I have stumbled across a blog recently where said writer claims to be nerdy. This girl, however, is not nerdy AT ALL. Being a nerd is culture, there are certain things you have to do to be considered a nerd. Doing your homework on a friday night does not make you a nerd. Being able to quote star wars on a daily basis (and the hard lines like "Grand Moff Tarkin, I should have known I would find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I smelled your foul stench when I was brought on-board." Not "Luke, I am your father" which is not actually a real line in the movie anyways.) or getting excited for the release of a book those things make you a nerd. Anyways this particular girl and blog inspired this FB post.

You Know You're a Nerd...

Tabs. A Geek

Shelly

I'm doing National Novel Writing month this year. I don't expect to even come close to finishing but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm notorious for not being able to finish any novel I have ever started. I'm 2 days in and I haven't even written 1000 words for the story yet. It's not looking good for me, but dammit I tried right?

SUNDAY PIC: The Occupy Edition

2011-10-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

Whatever your thoughts on the Occupy Wall Street movement are, you have to admit it's created a lot of funny pictures.

It's the American Way to mock ourselves, y'all.

Under the Covers: Books That Suck (and not in a good way)

2011-10-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

So I write a lot of book review on books I love. But I don't love every book I read, in fact I read a lot of crap that sucks and would never suggest anyone else read. So here are some books you don't need to waste your time on:

Secret Society Girl by Diana Peterfreund- I really loved the concept of this book. Secret Ivy League Societies (think Skull & Bones) start allowing women in. Amy Haskel, who works on the schools literary magazine, gets tapped to join. And this is where my interest in the book ends. Amy is a horribly one-dimensional character. Outside of her annoying mother, we don't know anything about her family, where she grew up, anything about her background at all, and her only hope and dream is to be the editor for Glamour magazine. Amy is wishy-washy about everything and the entire plot is her trying to decide if she wants to be part of the secret society she was tapped for. I stopped reading halfway thru, I couldn't take anymore.

Girl's Guide to Witchcraft by Mindy Klasky- This is another book where I loved the concept more tha the book. Fresh off finishing Enchanted, INC, I was desperate for another Fantasy/Chick-Lit book. This one came with really good reviews on Amazon so I indulged. Librarian Jane Madison gets her salary cut by a quarter, but her uber-nice boss lets her live in the library's vacant cottage for free! She finds a mysterious book does some spells and becomes a witch. The problem with this book is that for a librarian Jane is a fricken idiot. The vast majority of the book is spent in a love triangle between Jane, her Warder David and Professor Jason Templeton. The plot is formulaic and I knew the ending about 50 pages into the book. The book had promise but turned into a Bridget Jones Cliche with some witchcraft in it.

My Summer of Southern Discomfort by Stephanie Gayle- I should have known this book would suck since I bought it for a dollar at a dollar store. But I wanted to like it anyways. It follows Natalie, a liberal Jewish lawyer who takes a position as prosecutor in Georgia after having an affair with a partner at her NY law firm that turns sour. The entire plot of this book was Natalie coming to gripes with trying a death penalty case when she is a Jewish Lawyer who doesn't believe in the death penalty. There is no character development. It's just a girl living an ordinary life. There never feels like there is a climax to this book, heck there isn't really a rising action to this book. The main character never even notices her "love interest" in the book until she finds out he is half Jewish in the last 15 pages of the book. The writing is actually pretty decent, but the entire plot and character development need so much work.

Save your time and effort, don't read these books!

OPEN LETTER: People of America

2011-10-24T23:28:00.003-04:00

Dear Americans:

We are fighting the wrong battle.

Hear me out: I was doing research (read: checking wikipedia) on the Occupy Wall Street movement and I realized we shouldn't be fighting each other. This shouldn't be poor vs. rich, Republican vs. Democrat, Gays vs. Straights. There will always be rich people and there will always be poor people and there will always be people who don't agree with what you believe in. There will always be a difference of opinion. But those aren't the people we should be fighting

We should be fighting Congress.

Those fucking bastards are screwing us over left and right and we are letting them. Think about it. The top 10% richest people in America pay 90% of the taxes (actual statistical fact from a Political Science book). But its not their fault the money doesn't get used well. That's Congress's fault! Congress doesn't spend the money thoughtfully; they spend it on shit to scratch each others backs. Don't believe me? Here are some things Congress has spent money on in the last 20 years**:

25 million for an “Arctic region supercomputer" to trap energy from the Aurora Borealis (1992)
$34 million for screwworm research. Even thought the screwworm has already been eradicated from the United States (1994)
$1 million for Brown Tree Snake research. The Brown Tree Snake, which is found only in Guam, has not been discovered to be life threatening to humans nor does it have the ability to survive in North America. (1996).
$100,000 for the preservation and protection of a Revolutionary War gunboat at the bottom of Lake Champlain (1998)
3.5 million to refurbish the Vulcan Statue in Birmingham, Alabama (2001 &2002)
50 million to build an indoor rainforest in Iowa (2004)
25 million for the bridge to nowhere in Alaska (2005)
500,000 for the Sparta Teapot Museum in Sparta, North Carolina (2006)
98,000 to develop a walking tour of Boydton, Virginia (2008)
$1.9 million for a water taxi service to Pleasure Beach, Connecticut- population 0 (2009)

And guess what? We voted these assholes into office. Well its high time we take back America from Congress. Tom Jefferson wrote it best "That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it." Well high fucking time we start listening to our forefathers and start abolish this shit. May I suggest:

It's high time that the President get a Line-Item Veto: 44 governors have a line-item veto so that they can cut out wasteful spending from otherwise important legislative bills. Congress has tried to do this for the President before but the Supreme Court has overruled it.
Term Limits for Congressmen: There is no reason that congressmen should be able to be sitting in congress for 40 plus years. Strom Thurmond was 97 years old sleeping in Congress while shit was going on. Presidents can only be President for 10 years at most. I suggest its high-time that Congress have term limits too (I like 12 or 24 years respectively). Congress shouldn't be a career; it should be a civic duty.

Alright Americans, lets take back America! Lets tell those assholes in Congress they aren't going to be able to screw us in the ass anymore!

Vote Coyote Tits 2020!

**Most of this information can be found here along with lists of other congressional spending items

Coyote Tits vs. The New Apartment

2011-10-20T08:30:00.000-04:00

So I'm trying out this new post title thing (stolen from Chuck because its like my favorite show ever and because I think the vs. thing is funny). I know I've made a lot of changes recently. I hope you like change, because I sure do and I do it a lot ~~so get used to it~~. Seriously since I started this blog almost 4 years ago, I think I've gone through something like 15 different layouts, 3 different titles, 7 different taglines and countless other shit.

Other things I've changed lately is housing. I think we all now that I was ~~hating my life~~ ~~losing my mind~~ ~~wanting to commit homicide~~ living with my parents. Well since I got that shiny new writing job (which I totes love), I have moved into my new apartment. Yes, I've mentioned this before and I've promised to show pictures before (I'm getting around to it I swear), however I'm redecorating my office because the bookshelves I have didn't fit the room and blah blah blah.

Its something like this

Anyways, I've lived in this apartment for about 6 weeks now and its been pretty glorious. I get to dance around my apartment in my underwear. I can sleep in without my sisters waking me up and my dogs aren't confined to a 5x5 foot space all day.

Which doesn't mean it's perfect either. For starters my garbage disposal broke about a week ago and even though I have filed a report with the main office no one has come out even to look at the damn thing. Plus I'm pretty sure that my garbage disposal is connected to my dishwasher because since the disposal broke every time I run the dishwasher nothing seems to be clean. Which means I am washing all my dishes by hand and that very expensive piece of equipment in my kitchen is being reduced to being an overpriced drying rack.

To make matters worse, I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment. This doesn't bother me that much I just take my clothes to the on-site laundry facility. But low and behold today I walk in with like every piece of clothing I own (because I never get a day off from work) and every single washer is out of order. WTF! I had to wash my work shirts by hand because I didn't have time to drive to an actual laundromat. I think evil bunnies chewed the wiring to the washer so they could have a place to plan world domination.


Because don't they look evil?

Hopefully these people fix this shit soon or I'm going to have to do more bitching and moaning than I normally do.

The little things that drive you nuts...

2011-10-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

Lets be honest: we all have little things that annoy the living shit out of us. Here are some of mine.

Not being able to get the shower temperature right- Turn the water on and just not quite hot enough so you turn it a little to the left, then its scalding so you move it back to the right, then its not hot enough again so then its a nudge to the left, then a smidge to the right, then a graze to the left, tap to the right, teeny-tiny push to the left. OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD! Why is it so hard to get just the right water temperature in my shower! For the love of all that is holy! (yes, this inspired this post)

Could the rain not turn my hair into a jewfro- I'm not even Jewish! I've had a long love/hate ~~mostly hate~~ relationship with my hair. But it never fails that when its going to rain my hair goes from a controllable mess to a curly frizzed out ball of red. Come on, I'm one step away from doing the porn version of Annie anyways (You're boner will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar when I blow you, You'll get sprung.... (God I need therapy, also I really hope my mom isn't reading this post)). A whole bottle of hairspray can't even help this shit
Assholes who don't use the cart returns- Okay I realize that up north cart returns don't exist, but I live in the South where there is a cart return every 4 feet at Wal-mart, Target, Grocery Stores, etc. Don't be a lazy motherfucker and just leave your cart where ever you feel like it. Do you know how many A+ parking spots I have lost out of because I go to turn into the spot only to see some cart just sitting there blocking my way.
When my dogs wake me up at 8 am- My fat ass does not get out of bed at 8 am and my dogs know that. So why they seem to thing that jumping on me and licking my face is going to get me out of bed, I will never know. They're adorable little brats but I love my sleep. I'm going to have to put a gate around my bed.

**Also you might have noticed I did some updating to the blog. I'm toying around with the idea of a new title and layout. Feel free to give me feedback and hit up the poll on the right**

Stop Being Facebook Obnoxious

2011-10-06T09:30:00.000-04:00

So there are articles ad nauseum about annoying shit you shouldn't be doing on Facebook. Let me add one more blog post to that list. Although my list is probably going to be very different than everyone elses.

How to be Obnoxious on Facebook:

Having Duck Lips in every picture- Girls you know what I mean. When you push your lips out, thinking its sexy. Well its not. It makes you look like an idiot. Matchmaker Steve Ward (of vh1's tough love) constantly rails against it on his twitter feed. But even worse guys have even gotten so tired of it, they made this poster. Hell I'm even tired of seeing these faces
Posting 40 music videos in a row- Listen I get it, you find music inspiring. We all do. But I'm not cluttering up your new feed with the latest Panic at the Disco track, my favorite Fall Out Boy song and the last 3 Linkin Park tracks I listened to.
Stop getting into arguments with the ex-girlfriend/sister/mother of your boyfriend- OMG Self-explanatory. I don't need to see my news feed cluttered up with "OMG this bitch can't get over the fact that he's with me now." That makes you look like an idiot. Even worse is when you and the so-called ex-girlfriend get into a fight on your status feed. You both look like fucking morons for fighting over a guy.
Stop MommyJacking- Never heard this term? You must be a parent. This website can explain it better than I ever could. I don't even want my mom MommyJacking my Facebook. So you'd best believe I don't care about your precious fucking pumpkins either.
The 800 random pictures of nothing- I don't want to see your hairy toes. I don't want to see pictures of some cloud you thought was a duck. 32 pictures of that mole on your arm = me hiding you. If your going to post a million pictures at least make them interesting

So what do your friends do on Facebook that you find completely obnoxious?

Some Pop Culture Notes

2011-10-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, everyone knows I am tv/music/book junkie and I have some pop culture notes that I need to get off my chest:

Dear NBC: How dare you move back the season 5 premiere of Chuck! I mean considering you've already made this its final season and its only getting 13 episodes leaving it just 9 episodes shy of the 100 episode mark. You're killing me NBC. I need a show that makes it okay for me to be this nerdy and think guys that nerdy are hot
Dear People who loved Everwood and/or Gilmore Girls: Please watch Hart of Dixie. It's possibly the cutest show on tv right now. Sure, they're no vampires or marital affairs or Sara Michelle Gellar on a bad green screen, but its a wholesome little show and Rachel Bilson is adorable in a way that Zooey Deschenal is not on New Girl.
Dear Pete Wentz: Stop fucking around and get Fall Out Boy back together already. You've had 2 years of "hiatus" to goof around, have a child, get divorced, host a bad vh1 show- it's time for you to get back to making the music that makes my life a little more bearable. And no that new band you are putting together does not count.
Dear J.K. Rowling: Will Pottermore get off the ground already? OMG, I am sooooo tired of listening to the hype around it and now you are pushing back the ebook releases for a whole year. Don't be George Lucas- don't milk the same cash cow for the next 50 years. Do some new writing. You're talented, don't let the money make you boring
Dear George Lucas: I love Stars Wars. I mean its been my favorite movie since I was like 10. Please stop fucking with it. You want to do something that will make Star Wars fans happy? Go back to Han shooting first. Yank out that silly "Noooooo" scream you just added in Return of the Jedi. Destroy all copies of The Phantom Menace. It was perfect the first time. Stop messing with it.

Whew. I feel better now.

Who Ordered the Clown?

2011-09-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

So we all know that I work as a waitress in a seafood restaurant in Myrtle Beach. I feel pretty confident saying that and knowing any pyscho-stalkers out there would have to search through like 100 seafood restaurants before they would find me. That being said we book a lot of parties at my restaurant. We've done everything from wedding receptions to prom dinners to birthday parties.

I tell you all that as a preface to this story: Saturday night we had a bachelor party booked. Now my genius managers gave the bachelor party to one of our (few) male waiters, which makes no sense but whatever. The party arrives and the guy running the show pulls my coworker aside. He says "listen the groom doesn't like clowns and neither do some of the other guys. So I hired this clown to come sit and join the party. The other guys don't know. We're going to tell them that this clown is a regular at your restaurant."

So about twenty minutes later this sad hobo looking clown strolls into our restaurant, promptly waltzes down the stairs, pulls up a chair and sits across from the groom. The entire waitstaff is watching this from atop the stairwell just dying laughing. I mean management and members of the kitchen crew are all standing on the stairs looking down to where this bachelor party is seated, cracking up.

The bachelor party, however, has no idea whats going on. Some of them are laughing, some of them are getting pissed off but only the one guy had any idea whats going on. The groom is short of interrogating this clown, who's not answering any questions. My coworker for his part asks the clown if he wants his usual drink. The clown leaves for a few minutes and heads to the bar where we got that picture. The clown came back down some time later where one of the guys got really heated with him and so the clown left.

The rest of the night was spent lying to the bachelor party. They kept coming up and asking us if the clown really was a regular and how often he came in. If he ever sat down with the tables before. Every single member of my staff was pretty much lying to this bachelor party with a straight face. I told them that the clown came in all the time, sometimes he made balloon animals for the kids and that he works in the area as part of the performers. I think I even mentioned a stilt walker coming in with him sometimes. I mean the story just kept getting more outlandish but these guys were drunk so they couldn't tell we were lying anyways.

The best part is the guy in charge had hired the clown for the night and had already sent the clown along to the next venue, a club they were going to. I wish I could have been there when the bachelor party ran into the clown at the club. I wondered how long it took before the party figure out the joke....

Things I'm in Love with Right Now

2011-09-22T20:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, the new apartment is great and I promise I will show you pictures once its all set-up and I get the boxes out. Since I am devoid of things to blog about right now, I thought I would share the things I'm in love with right now.

5. Turtle Chex Mix- omg YUMMY. I'm starting to live on this shit. I go threw a bag in about two days. I blame Lorraine for this.

4. Up All Night by Blink 182- I love this song. Its like on constant rotation on my Ipod. I didn't know how much I missed Blink 182 until this song came out. It was like, oh yeah where the fuck have you been for the last 5 years? The bands grown considerably and so have I, but the music still speaks to me the same way.

3. 2 Broke Girls- If you have ever worked in a restaurant ever, you need to watch the first 2 minutes of this show. You will be able to relate and also go "damn I wish I could say that." I mean I love Kat Dennings anyways, but i totes love her more now. In fact let me make it easy and embed a clip for you. Watch, laugh, love this show.

2. Artoo-Potatoo- I bought him off ebay as my first housewarming gift to myself. I mean look how cute he is! I haven't gotten him yet, but he's going to sit on my desk and be my muse for all my writing ventures. I'll be getting the C3PO version sooner or later, because you have to have a matching set.

1. Christian Siriano Shoes for Payless- Specifically his black pumps. OMG so fricken cute. It just so happens I don't own a pair of black pumps and my pair of black peep-toe slingbacks are in desperate need of retirement. I have been to every payless within an hour of my apartment trying to find these babies (for the records that only 2 stores) and one store didn't even have the Siriano line and the other one had them in size 9 and 10 but not 9.5 (which is of course my size). Thank god for online shopping!

Life Updates and Other Bullshit (Part 2)

2011-09-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

So yeah remember that last update about all the shit going on in my life? Well now I'm glad I didn't promise to come back to blogging soon because I managed to fall off the face of the planet for another 3 weeks. Gravity sure isn't doing its job recently, ya know?

Well at the end of the last post I said I hoping to move out of my parents apartment? Well like 3 days later I found, looked at and rented an apartment. I literally saw the ad on craigslist, did a walk through of the apartment and moved in on the next day. I move quickly; mostly cause living with my parents, sisters and 3 obnoxious dogs was driving everyone crazy.

Baby Sis is ready to move with me!

Well the last 3 weeks have mostly consisted of me working like 80000032 hours waitressing, another 30 writing for my other job, and the remaining hours trying to move into the apartment (and also that sleep thing occasionally). Which the apartment is on the motherfuckingthirdfloor so the moving has left me ridiculously exhausted and incredibly bruised. I wish I could show you how bruised my legs are. I've seen dalmatians with less spots than me.

Sadly this moving has left me without TV and Internet for the last 3 weeks. Its been a hard 3 weeks too. I live in the internet and I was going through withdrawals, but happily that has been fixed! And not a moment too soon because my writing job requires me to have internet, so I was tapping into my neighbors internet which was a pain-in-the-ass.

No food either, this was my fridge until earlier today

If nothing else the new apartment has been great. I can sleep in. I don't have either of my sisters waking me up screaming at 6 am (or jumping on my bed with me sleeping in it). I don't have to fight anyone for the remote control and no one cares if I dance around in my underwear.


Nixon and Kennedy are liking it too

Just as a closing side note: remember that friend I was supposed to move to Charlotte with who backed out (if you don't scroll down and read the last post)? Well his girlfriend broke up with him (over a really stupid thing) two weekends ago; 10 days before the day we had intended to move to Charlotte on. The irony is hilarious.

Life Updates and Other Bullshit

2011-08-26T00:10:00.002-04:00

I wish I could tell you that I was doing something fabulous in all the time I haven't been blogging, but if you've been following my twitter feed you already know that I wasn't.Sadly most of my tweets recently have been about how much I need a nap.

Not my actual schedule but it sure feels like it!

Here is the run down of my life recently:

1). A friend of mine approached me about moving to Charlotte, NC. Now I have been talking about moving back to Charlotte for like a year, so after some initial reservations I talked to G-Fab and then jumped at the chance to go. Several weeks of planning later, with about a month to go before the move- my friend backed out. He fell in love or some such nonsense and couldn't do it.

I.Was.Not.Happy to say the least. Not ten minutes after I got this news I had a job interview scheduled, which brings me to...

B). I am now officially a professional writer! I know, someone pays me to write! How fucked up is that? I mean I'd like to think my writing skills are pretty good and all, but frankly I never thought anyone would ever pay me to do it. Before anyone gets super jealous and all, I only get paid 25 dollars a day. I work for a local website and they give me the topics to write about. I don't get to pick my own topics and I don't have a huge word limit, so its not all glamorous or anything. Still I get to put "Writer" on my resume which is probably the biggest ego boost of my life.

Pink Fairy Armadillo). That doesn't mean I get to quit my waitressing job, which has gone into massive overtime recently. For the last month I have been working 6 days a week on ridiculous hours. The last 3 days alone I worked 11:30-9, 10-3 and then 10-10. Then I had to go home and write for my other job and play with my (woefully neglected) dogs. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept in like a month.

38DD). In a quick run down of everything else you might want to know about: I didn't feel the earthquake. Hurricane Irene won't be doing anything but making it really windy at my house. I chewed out this guy, Kenya, I was sort of/kinda/almost involved with. I got a call from a job that rejected me a year ago asking me to reapply (shocking as shit). Also I am apartment hunting in the hopes I can one day move out of my parents house.

So yeah, a lot has happened in the last month.

SMAC: We Love Shelly!

2011-08-20T22:53:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone it's time for everyone's favorite movie review chain SMAC! Except this month instead of doing shitty movies, we're doing Shelly movies! In other words were doing reviews of movies that remind us of our favorite ~~dominatrix~~ ~~porn star~~ sci-fi nerd Shelly! I'm reviewing ~~Chris Pine's Package~~ the new Star Trek over at The Real Mandy Moore and I'm hosting my favorite Chicagoan Lily. You can find the whole list at That Ain't Kosher, but take it away Lils:

Hi guys! I’m Lily from Is it too early for a martini? And I’m here to do a SMAC post. Unlike most SMAC, this month we aren’t reviewing Shitty Movies. This month, we’re reviewing movies that remind us of our favorite blogger - Shelly! It’s her birthday, that’s why. So make sure you get around to wishing her a happy birthday.

I’m reviewing Alice in Wonderland.

It took me a while to think of which one I wanted to review.

I decided not to do the Tim Burton one … mostly because I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t like Johnny Depp. Yeah, I don’t get the whole “Johnny Depp is so hawt!” movement. Because I don’t think he is.

There’s also a porn version of Alice in Wonderland. If I had enough time, I’d probably review that one. Except, I’m not too fond of porn either.

I decided, finally, on the Disney version. And why not? It is the cutest.

I can watch this version of Alice in Wonderland a million times if I could! All in on sitting. But I think it’s highly impossible.

Anyways, everytime I see this movie, I think of Shelly. I can replace Alice with Shelly, and the movie would be like 1000000000 X gagillion times cuter than it already is. Trust me that’s like super cute.

If I were a good artist, I would try to make a cartoon version of Shelly so we could see that she could totes be Alice if she wanted to. But if I tried, I would totally just be a stick figure with long hair.

A few weeks ago, I reread the book the movies is based on… and I kid you not, I imagined Shelly as Alice. It was pretty sweet. And hey, someone as cool as Shelly deserves to have an animated movie about them.

******

Happy Birthday, Shelly! I totes helped the Mad Hatter bake that cake.

Also, don’t forget to vote Shelly for Prom Queen!

Some People Shouldn't Reproduce

2011-08-10T00:23:00.002-04:00

For long time readers of this blog, you already know that I work as a waitress in Myrtle Beach. For those of you who didn't know, well now you do. Working in customer service means I come into contact with a lot of people. I mean a-fucking-lot of people. And I've recently noticed that some people shouldn't reproduce.

That's right, I'm looking at you- parents of unruly, misbehaving bratty ass children. We've had a rash of spoiled rotten, screaming, obnoxious, really really really really bad children in our restaurant recently.

You know the type: The kids who run around the restaurant with no regard for the fact that people are working there, or their own personal safety since at any given moment I am carrying around a 20 pound tray of food up a flight of stairs. Or the kids who scream at the top of their lungs for 30 minutes for no other reason than they want to be screaming at the top of their lungs. I mean blood-curdling, glass shattering screaming. The kids who interrupt the server every 3 seconds demanding a refill or crayons or ketchup or another sheet of paper, so that I can't even get everyone else's food order. The kids who are climbing in and out of their highchair and bothering other tables.

Listen, not all parents are bad. I've met some really well behaved children and really good parents. But for the rest of you, learn how to discipline your children, or at least if they are causing a scene- please for the love of god take them out of the restaurant. Before I get a 100 comments from people with their panties in a twist because I am saying this, listen I understand being a parent is hard work. I have 5 sisters, one of which is Autistic, so I understand how hard it is too keep your kid from throwing a hissy-fit over something. But my mother never let us pull that shit, and even with Lil' Miss Sis- she keeps her entertained and if she is really pitching a fit she takes my sister out of the restaurant until she clams down. But there is no fucking excuse for letting your children run up and down the stairwell with no supervision in a place of business. You want me to let my dogs loose in your office building? I bet they can chew up 3 filing cabinets in under 2 hours.

Also for parents off snotty ass preteens and teenagers, if i want to backhand your child- you have a problem. Its not my job to deal with your 12 year old's attitude problem. Teach them some manners and how to treat people. I had a girl today pitch a mother-fucking-fit because she ordered a chicken sandwich without coleslaw (our sandwiches come with coleslaw in a ramekin on the side of the plate) and the plate came out with coleslaw. She started practically yelling at the top of her lungs that "she didn't order coleslaw, and what was it doing there, and she said she wanted it left off and blah blah blah." I rang the order in correctly, sometimes the kitchen puts it on anyways. They see 300 chicken sandwiches a day, its not that big of a deal you simply move the ramekin off your plate. The kitchen made a mistake, I didn't even reach the table until after the plate had been put in front of her otherwise I would have taken it off myself. She later made a comment to her mother to hold her purse while she went to the bathroom cause she didn't want anyone stealing it.The only other person in the bathroom was a fellow waitress- who this little brat made an evil glare at. Listen bitch unless you are carrying 200 bucks in cash or pot, no coworker of mine is going to steal your cheap JCPenny Justin Beiber purse.

I really shouldn't work with people.... ever

SUNDAY VID: Toddlers in Heels

2011-07-31T12:47:00.000-04:00

This is video of Baby-Sis on vacation in Florida. It's like 8 am and the rest of the house is sleeping. Because everyone wants to be woken up by a toddler tap dancing.

Project Runway: I'm Not Over It

2011-07-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

I hope she uses those scissors to cut Nina's throat

As I sit down to write this post the Season 9 premiere of Project Runway is airing across the east coast of North America and for the first time I am not watching it.

It's a painful decision. I assure you it hurts me more than it hurts them... probably.

But frankly, I'm not over it. I'm not over Gretchen Jones winning over Mondo last season. I'm not over Michael Kors and Nina Garcia bullying Heidi and Jessica Simpson into making that decision. I'm not over how Hitler Gretchen's clothes look like something i would wear to clean my garage and i'm expected to believe its fashionable. Now granted, I'm an East Coast girl and that whole crunchy-granola-hippie-fashion shit does not swing here. But seriously her collection was hideous and the only reason she won was because she kissed Michael and Nina's ass whereas Mondo didn't and IT. STILL.PISSES.ME.OFF.

I was talking to G-fab the other day and he happened to be watching season 7 reruns on tv and sadly he was like "I don't remember who the fuck these people are and if i even liked them."

This made me sadder than a 5 year old when they hear the ice cream man and run outside just to find out it was some pedobear in a truck playing that music. I mean I only remember Seth Aaron, Emilio and Anthony from that season myself. G-fab and I can still name almost every castmember from PR season 2 and in what order they were eliminated. WE WERE THAT HARDCORE. At one time we would countdown to the new season of project runway, place early season bets on who was going to make it to Bryant Park and tease each other unmercifully when the other one's designers got booted off.

It just goes to show how far the show has fallen. I'm not watching the premiere tonight. I won't lie and say I won't watch season 9 out of spite. I probably at some point will cave into my PR addiction and watch this season, but it won't be the same. All the luster and shininess has left PR with the horrible horrible wrong that happened last season, and i'm not sure they can ever do anything to fix that.

SUNDAY PIC: Shouldn't We be Working?

2011-07-24T13:29:00.000-04:00

The Office Door at my Job

So it was one very slow saturday night at work and our Kitchen Manager got bored and decided to barricade the office with the general manager inside.


The office Door at my job when we are bored

Needless to say my boss was not happy when he had to incredible hulk smash his way out of the office an hour later. The staff, however, has been giggling about it for two weeks.

We Will Now Return...

2011-07-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

.... to our regularly scheduled posting. Sorry everyone, i kno,w I have been super MIA recently, but i've had a lot of stuff going on in my life. Stuff such as:

1. Work has exploded- the thing about working in a tourist trap as a waitress in the middle of the summer is- you're fucking busy. I went from working 25-30 hours a week to working like 37-42. I mean i had a 4 day stretch where i worked 36 hours. When you work a physically demanding job like waitressing (my restaurant has 3 levels) by the time you get off work all you want to do is sleep or get drunk or both. I've been doing both.

2. A New Project- I'm super excited about a new project i have been working on with my best bloggy buddies. I can't really tell you too much about it just yet, but we're working on it and It should be going by august. I'm super totes excited about it.

Anyways I've got some updates and shit to do right?

Giveaway winners are: Garnet and Kris. So if both of you will email me your addresses at thecoyoterose@gmail.com. I promise to get your prizes out in a more efficient time than i did announcing the winners (sometimes, i suck yo)

Okay, so anyone who follows my twitter, (and you totes should) might have seen me and several of my buddies get into a discussion with another blogger about something they wrote (who has their comments disabled). Trying to discuss this with her via 140 character was entirely fruitless because i could never clearly make my point. So dammit i am going to do it here. This is an actual screenshot of what she wrote on her blog. I'm not going to call out the blogger because I don't want to start a war over something so trivial, but i do want to fully explain my position.

I'm sorry if that is too small for some of you to read, but the part i really take problem with is this "A woman who says "no" 30 times and eventually acquiesces to sex because it's apparent "no" is just not being heard by this guy has been no less violated than the woman in the alley."

Wait.... what?

No, No, NO. That is not at all even remotely similar at all. If i choose to let a guy harass me into having sex with him, its still willfully my choice. He didn't toss on a bed and force me to have sex with him. He didn't roofie me and take advantage of my position, he didn't attack me, drag into a back alley and have sex with me. If I said yes to him asking me to have sex for the 300th time, I still said Yes. I still allowed it and gave my consent even if it was just to shut him up. To compare that to rape is beyond wrong and it trivializes what rape actually is.

I tried to explain this to the blogger who wrote it and her (albeit condescending remark) was that I must have never been in that position. Um, Yes Bitch I have. I've been drunk at bar and had guys try to take me home to the point of following me out to my car. I've had them ask and beg and plead. I've had to pry their hands off of me. I've had guys harass me through the internet to show them my boobs or to come to their houses. Every girl has had this problem, guys do this shit and think its okay. It's not okay. We shouldn't have to tell them no 50 times; we should only have to tell them once. But when they don't listen you tell them off, tell them to leave, leave the situation yourself, or threaten to call the cops. You do not give into them harassing you for something and they say its like rape.

ITS NOTHING LIKE RAPE.

The woman chooses to stay in that position with the asshole harassing her and she chooses to give into that harassment. A women being brutally raped in a dark alley didn't have any of those choices. She was taken against her will and force to have sex without her consent for any of it. She didn't have the choice to call the cops or leave the apartment. To even equate the two things is mind-numbingly ignorant and treats rape like it is some trifling, inconsequential event.

SUNDAY VID: My Mama Told Me When I Was Hatched...

2011-06-26T12:48:00.001-04:00

Weird Al never fails to amuse me. Thank god for parody.

The porcupine is my favorite part.

Take My Shit (Giveaway)

2011-06-20T13:10:00.003-04:00

Because one man's trash is another man's.... trash? No seriously, I've been wanting to do a giveaway forever (since all the cool blogs do it or something), so i'm finally getting around to it. Plus its one more excuse to vlog (because i'm a narcissist, yo).

Update: Okay i have no idea why that screenshot makes my skin look all blotchy. I swear if you watch the video it does not look like that. Thanks for making me look like i'm part werewolf Youtube!

Who Are These People?

2011-06-16T14:53:00.001-04:00

So I know i might have mentioned Online dating once or twice before but it never fails to amuse me. I just don't understand where these men come from. It's like they are all from the planet I'm-never-gonna-get-laid. The recent batch of emails i have received have had me rolling in laughter and texting my home girl Nugs being like "dude are they fucking serious?"

The first two emails have to do with something Nugs wrote on my Profile. Yes, i let my friends create my Okcupid profile because she's fucking awesome at it. Anyways she wrote:

You like smart, quirky women who like to have fun. Aren't intimidated by opinionated women who can take care of themselves. If you are intelligent, I need a guy who knows the difference between Julius Caesar and Little Caesar.

Pretty fucking funny right? I mean i am a history nerd and all. Well these are some of the emails i have received recently:

1. Wasn't Julius Caesar's nickname Little Caesar? Because he was a short statured conqueror from France?

*Facepalm* Someone took remedial European History

2. hey there...im Kyle...i love little caesers!!

A. Trust me i can tell since you are at least 300lbs in your profile pic.
B. what the fuck does that have to do with what is written? Did you even read the whole sentence?

3. Julius Caesar, oh you mean that guy back in roman times that was famous for making pizza and defeating rival empires with his fattening up strategy, lol J/K I was checking out your profile and liked what I read, so I figured I'd see if you were up for getting to know me. I have a couple tatts, one that I plan on getting covered with something else. You said you like tatts, do you have any? Anyway, hope to hear from! Have a great night little lady!

This guy at least seems like he googled Julius Caesar before sending me a message which i appreciate and all. But he lost all credibility when he called me little lady.

So far okcupid is 0-32

Introduce Yourself, No Way, Introduce Yourself, Okay

2011-06-08T11:04:00.001-04:00

So 20sb bloggers is doing a vlog day today with the prompt to Introduce yourself. Here is my very strange and awkward attempt to be a real person. Also i'm sorry for the sound quality.

SMAC: What A Whore

2011-06-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

It's time for another installment of Shitty Movie Awareness Club and I'm supa supa excited to be getting my homegirl Nyx on my blog. She's my favorite adorable Delawarean. She's taking on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which is totally overdue to be mocked. I'm up on Serenity Now, Insanity Later doing one of the silliest movies from the 90's BeBe's Kids. Anyways take it away Nyx:

So for this month’s movie ring, we’re doing animated tales. And I get to be on Tit’s blog. ZOMG. *jackpot*

Oh yea. And I’m Nyx, from at Notions. Check me out. Or not. Whatevs.

So I chose to review a movie that, even when I was little, thought was stupid. I’m reviewing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Yep. I’m attacking a Disney classic, bunnies and little men and all. Bonus points if y’all can name the Dwarfs. Without Googling it.

So here’s the skinny: Snow White’s evil stepmother married her father, the king, and (seriously, it is ALWAYS the stepmother) is also apparently a narcissistic freak who stares in the mirror all day long (this sounds like me). Although, it’s not just any ordinary mirror. Apparently it’s a magic mirror.

Seriously, if I had a magic mirror I totes wouldn’t be using it to tell whether or not I was the prettiest in all the land. Nope. I’d totally be spying on…everyone. Wait. I’m beginning to see a parallel with facebook…..

Anyways, this mirror tells the Queen that Ms. White is the fairest in all the land. Boo. Yah.

The Queen orders a huntsman to kill Snow White. However, apparently they just don’t make huntsmen like they used to, because this guy apparently has issues with killing an innocent child. So he lets her run free. Which is where the seven dwarfs come in. Snow comes across their cottage and they allow her to live there. She cooks, and cleans, and I presume performs sexual favors.

Yep. I went there.

Of course, this doesn’t trick ~~facebook~~ the magic mirror. Mr. Tattle-tale mirror tells the Queen that her beloved step-daughter is still alive, and yes, she’s still prettier, so neener neener neener.

So, the Queen gets it in her head that she personally needs to kill Snow White. Y’know the saying. If you want something done right, do it yourself. It’s a cliché because it’s true. So the Queen, after a heavy dosing of narcotics (I presume), grabs an apple and poisons it. She also dresses like a hag and shuffles her way to the dwarfs’ cottage, gives Snow White the apple, which successfully poisons the young princess.

Wait. Hold the phone. Maybe it’s the times I live in, but if some dirty old hag gave me an apple, I’d be all “ew.” I don’t know where that shit has been, y’know? I mean, it could have tuberculosis on it or some shit like that. No thankyou.

Anyways, the little twit eats the apple, is poisoned, and falls into an eternal sleep. The Dwarfs, upset as they are ~~over the loss of their prostitute~~, chase the Queen up onto a cliff…which is then struck by lightning and she falls to her death.

Oh, and some random prince comes by, kisses ~~the twit~~ Snow White, and she is revived. Happy ever fucking after.

Moral of the story:

Don’t fuck with dwarfs. Especially old, sexually deprived ones.

Conversations with my Coworkers

2011-05-26T14:21:00.002-04:00

I love my coworkers, I do, but we say some of the dumbest shit ever at work. Here's a sampling of actual conversations at my job:

Coworker: My table is contempt
Me: No, no your table is not contempt. They are content.

~*~

Me: (talking about another coworker who has a Minnie Mouse voice) I want to call her Squeaky Fromme
*Blank Stares*
Me: You have no idea what i'm talking about. Squeaky Fromme, from the Mason Family.
Coworker: Oh, Marilyn Manson
Me: No Charles Manson, the serial killer

~*~

Customer: How do the Mussels come?
Coworker: In a bowl

~*~

Me: I'm thinking of dressing up as Molly Ringwald for Halloween
Coworker: who?
Me: Molly Ringwald, you know the Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink
Coworker: Oh I don't watch old movies

~*~
Coworker: Grouper is our mildest fish
*blank stares from customers*
Coworker: You know mildest, it has the most fishy flavor

SUNDAY PICS: Volatile Relationships

2011-05-22T12:57:00.000-04:00

I don't know who these people are, but that's one hell of a breakup.

OPEN LETTER: Listen Bitches

2011-05-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

Dear women (and men) who treat being single like its a disease:

Kindly STFU. I realize that having a man may be the only thing making your world turn, but its not the end-all be-all of mine. I'm so sick of getting condescending remarks when people find out I am single. One more "oh, I'm sorry sweetie, I'm sure it will get better soon" is going to cause me to go all Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer-Ass Kicking on someone. Being single is not cancer, i don't need it to get better. Also, I'm not contagious being friends with me will not cause you to break-up with your boyfriend.

This isn't the 1950s anymore. Women don't need men to have a life. I can go out and drink at a bar or go to a concert or eat dinner at a restaurant without a man. I certainly accomplished plenty without having a boyfriend. I don't need you to fix me. I don't need your advice, and I don't need you to set me up with some great guy you know. I'm not sitting at home crying every night because i'm single. I'm sorry your life is so pathetic that your world revolves around having a boyfriend, but mine doesn't.

I'm not single because i can't find a man. I'm single because i refuse to settle for some idiot who isn't good enough for me just to be in a relationship. On the plus side, I still get to get drunk and randomly makeout with people. I get to come and go as i please, and i don't have to worry about whether or not my Boyfriend will allow it. So Fuck Off

Sincerely,
Single Girls of America

Oh So Sexy

2011-05-11T12:49:00.001-04:00

So Fucking Sexy

I'm a quirky girl. I have never denied that. If you asked 100 people what word they would use to describe me, I'm pretty sure "quirky" would come in right after "bitch." That being said like any other girl I have a list of things that i find sexy in a guy. I was talking to the Marine earlier and he refused to believe that i find glasses sexy. Hello people! I am a nerd, of course i am going to find glasses sexy. So here is a list of things i find sexy in guys:

Glasses.... ...........................................................50 points
Tattoos.................................................................50 points (unless he is covered in them)
Use of big words...................................................25 per word.( I'm pretty sure my panties will drop for a guy who uses the word pulchritudinous)
Reading a book.....................................................100 points (Bonus 100 if its something like Kafka or Tolstoy)
Being able to hold an intelligent conversation..........100 points (Bonus 500 if its something esoteric like 1950s literature or death and diseases in Africa)
Riding a motorcycle...............................................50 points
Being able to quote old movies...............................25 points per quote (and by old I mean before 1975)
Being good with children........................................75 points
Fixing a computer..................................................50 points
Cleaning................................................................50 points (OMG so hot when guys scrub shit)
Cooking................................................................100 points (as long as it doesn't come from a frozen box)
Can lead me around a dance floor............................300 points (actual dancing like the Tango or Waltz)
Fixing a Car...........................................................250 points (I love guys covered in engine grease)

So yeah quirky, but ladies tell me you don't have a similar list.

The Birth of Tits (Part 3)

2011-05-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

So this story actually takes place months before i was born, but it still works mmmmkay?

My mom had this psychic 6th sense about me. She knew i was going to be a girl even though the ultrasound had proven inconclusive. She had these pink clothes picked out for me and didn't even have a boys name picked out. She also was adamant that i was going to be born May 1st, 4th or 5th, even though her due date was until like June 8th. She kept telling everyone that i was going to be born on those days and everyone else was wrong... and she was right. I wonder how long it took before she let live in down that she got it right (answer: never, she's still going on about it).

But my name was a whole different battle. My father wanted to name me Patricia.

I'm gonna let that sink in for a moment

Patricia?

Okay. Nothing against the name Patricia. I'm sure there are many lovely amazing girls out there named Patricia and its a sweet name. But it is not a name that in any way suits me. I feel like with the name Patricia I would be even more of a complete nerd than i already am.

My mother listened to this suggestion and was (and this isn't a direct quote but its probably what my mom said) all "NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL ARE YOU NAMING MY KID THAT."

My mom had other options for my name. I'm not going to tell you what my actual first name is cause i still like the thin layer of anonymity I have on this blog, but i will tell you where she got the name from. My 16 year old mom was laid out in bed, pigging out on french fries with brown gravy and chocolate, and not in HS cause you know 16 year old pregnant bitches don't go to high school. She was watching tv. More specifically she was watching Little House on the Prairie. Yes, the old timey show with Michael Landon about a girl on the prairie in the 1870s.

The episode in particular she was watching was where Carrie (the 3rd sister) is heartbroken because her father is so far away and her dog dies and no one pays any attention to her. So Carrie creates an imaginary friend to play with. Well I guess people tease her so the imaginary best friend runs off, and so Carrie runs through the hills of the prairie yelling for her imaginary friend. My mom thought it sounded so pretty this girl yelling the name looking for her friend, so that's what she decided to name me.

So yes, I am named after an imaginary best friend from Little House on the Prairie.

The Birth of Tits (Part 2)

2011-05-05T12:28:00.002-04:00

How cute was I?

When we left off my 16 year old mother's water had just broke...

Some time later, my mom and grandparents arrived at the hospital and let the doctors take over. Somehow in all this commotion, my mom managed to call my twenty-two year old father to tell him that his daughter was being born. How she did this before the invention of the cellphone is still a mystery to me because my dad is notoriously hard to track down. He’s the kind of guy you send to the store to get milk and he comes back three hours later with milk and 3 live chickens. He's a bit of a whack-a-doodle and totally a dirty hippie. (UPDATE: according to my mom he showed up at the house sometime after her water broke)

So my mom is in labor at the hospital and my dad is driving to meet her, when he stops at a bar to tell his buddies that my mom is in labor. I don’t really understand the thought process that suggests stopping into a bar to announce a child’s birth is good idea when said mother is being knocked out with anesthesia, but hey this is my dad we are talking about. He's that guy.

So he’s at a bar announcing and of course his buddies want to buy him a drink to celebrate, then another, then a round of shots and well you get the picture. Several drinks and hours later he stumbles out of the bar and manages to make it to the hospital. But of course, it’s so late/early that the hospital doors are locked and everyone has to enter the hospital through the emergency room entrance.

Meanwhile my mother is in labor in the operating room FREAKING OUT. She's got the nurses looking for my dad; she's got the hospital paging my dad. She's totally alone knocked up on anesthesia having me.

My drunken father never gets the memo about the hospital doors because my grandparents/mother couldn’t get a hold of him to alert him of this (its the 1980s yo). So he sleeps in his car until morning when the hospital doors open up. Thus missing my birth entirely. I was obviously a special child right?

He doesn't even show up until the next day. My mom had surgery, went through recovery and was already taking visitors when my dad showed up hungover. The whole room was full of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc when my dad shows looking like a sad sack holding a green garbage bag of roses (he didn't want to spill the water from the vase or some shit). Can you say awkward?

Coming Up: You're not fucking naming my kid that

The Birth of Tits (Part 1)

2011-05-04T14:58:00.000-04:00

So typically around my birthday I post my list of accomplishments. Well fuck that shit this year, I'm going old school and telling you about the day i was born. This story is true to the best of my knowledge, although I'm sure my mom will tell me i got something wrong.

I was born {Coyote ~~Rose~~ Tits} on May 5^th at some ungodly time like 3:15 in the morning, but lets rewind to several hours prior to this cataclysmic event. My sixteen-year-old unwed mother (Yep, my mom was the original teen mom y'all) was traipsing around my grandparent’s house in Avenel, New Jersey. For those of you who have never heard of Avenel, which is just about everybody, it’s in the northern parts of New Jersey not that far from New York City. It’s also the kind of town no one gets out of without a drug habit, an underage pregnancy or getting busted by the cops. My family actually pulled the rare Avenel trifecta and had all three, but I digress.

Doesn't my dad look like a dirty hippie?

My mom was traipsing around making a chocolate cake, because she was 8 months pregnant and you don’t really need more of an excuse than that. My mom’s diet when she was pregnant with me consisted of French fries with brown gravy and chocolate. I blame her for my addiction to them both to this day. Anyways, it was close to midnight and she was frosting this cake when her water broke a month early. Now any normal pregnant sixteen year old would freak out that her water broke, but not my mom she downed 3/4ths of a chocolate cake before going to tell my grandmother that she was in labor. Why did she eat this cake, you might ask? Because the doctors told her she was going to have to have a c-section and she didn’t want them have an ugly scar.

Let me explain: in the 1980s when a woman had a c-section they cut her from navel-to-crotch unless they had eaten in the few hours prior then the doctors cut from hip-to-hip. My mother being the crafty sixteen year old she was didn’t want to have a scar running from her navel for the rest of her life, cause that would ruin bikini season and all, so she ate a chocolate cake so that the doctors would have to cut horizontally instead.

So here I am being all “hey bitch I’m ready to be out of your stomach now” and she’s pigging out on cake.

Coming Up: How my Dad missed my Birth and Imaginary Best Friends

SMAC: Time to Spice Up Your Life

2011-05-03T12:23:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay, there was much confusion on who i was posting this month for Shitty Movie Awareness Club (yep, Nugs finally decided on the name I have been using anyways). But I got my favorite sexy Irish Blogger Harley from No Pressure, No Diamonds. In honor of coercing Mandy Moore into joining the club, we opted to review shitty Pop Star movies. I choose Jessica Simpson fucking up Dukes of Hazzard which you can find on Nyx's blog. Harley has opted to mock one of the most mockable movies ever: Spice World. So take it away Harley:

This is my first time reviewing a shit movie (although I have been known to livetweet quite a few), and when I got the topic for the month, I was excited.

Movies with pop stars? That is a veritable goldmine of shit movies. There's The Last Song, Chasing Liberty, A Walk To Remember, Crossroads... The list goes on. And on. And on. It's like it's written into singers' contracts to star in at least one appalling movie marketed solely at teenage girls within their lifespan at the top of the charts.

I decided to do Spice World mostly because I wanted to be Ginger Spice when I was a young 'un and also partly because it harks back to a time when Victoria Beckham would say things like "hold onto your knickers girls", which of course she would never say now because she's far too much of a lady. Also it has FIVE pop stars instead of just one, which makes it five times as awesome.

Spice World is about (you may want to sit down for this) the Spice Girls. And The Spice Girls - in case you drank too much as a baby, passed out and missed the whole of the nineties (hey, it happens) - were an extremely popular girl group from England who sang such unforgettable hits as 'Wannabe' and '2Become1'. Yes? Remember them? Good, then I'll continue.

In 1997, they made a movie about the band and their personal problems and their upcoming concert in London's Royal Albert Hall. There is so much win in this movie that the one thing I can say to condense the awesomeness into one line is: Meat Loaf is the driver of their double-decker Union Jack bus.

Yes. Meat Loaf. Why? Who the fuck knows.

The girls - Victoria Beckham neé Adams sans the cat-arse pout she adopted in later years, Emma Bunton looking like a jailbait teenager with daddy issues, Melanie C with her fresh-off-the-council-estate pickpocket chic look, Melanie B with the obvious references to wild animals (when is she not in animal print?) and Geri Halliwell looking like a white chola - are happy being the most famous band except that their manager is a dick, the papparazzi are relentless, they never have time to see their ONE FRIEND Nicola, there are a lot of dream sequences and for some reason somebody tacks a bomb onto the bottom of their bus.

Which I guess isn't that much of a stretch. I'm sure there were plenty of people who would have liked to see the Spice Girls go up in a blaze of fire and disgust. Mostly teenage boys.

Naturally, this movie makes not one sweet ounce of fucking sense. I mean, it's about the Spice Girls, and was never marketed as being about anything more substantial than OMFG SEEING THE SPICE GIRLS SING AT THE END, so there's no reason to expect anything more. There are parts that will amaze you - mostly anytime Victoria Beckham cracks a smile - but in general it's just good guilty shitty fun. With platform boots. And really, there's nothing better than some badass platforms. When are they coming back into fashion? Pretty sure I still have mine somewhere...

The best way to watch this movie is with a hefty amount of a certain green substance in your system. Even if only to keep up with the dream sequences and direct you back to your youth down the yellow brick road of "Spice Up Your Life".

Watching this made me nostalgic. There were so many terrible jokes that were then laboriously explained probably because the makers wanted the seven year old girls in the audience to be able to keep up. It was fantastic. It was a fantastic clusterfuck of awful hilarity. If you feel like revisiting your youth, or if you have nothing better to do and feel like exercising your eyeballs with a lot of primary colours, or even if you just want to see Victoria Beckham act as a human and not the cylon she has so clearly become, you should watch this movie.

And now I leave you to go dream about primary colours, girls in babydolls sucking lollipops, crotch skimming minidresses and platform boots.

Watch it, laugh (possibly cry at the lame jokes), then watch it again and wonder what you've done wrong in your life that you don't own your own custom-paint-job double-decker bus.

Irish Spice

Don't Poke the Serial Killers

2011-04-19T02:07:00.005-04:00

This is an actual message sent to me on Okcupid (for the record this site is a blogging goldmine, which is 3/4ths of the reason i keep an account, cause i sure as hell haven't met any guys off it yet):

Hi there. My name is {redacted} and I am a white guy who lives in {Redacted}, SC. I saw your profile and I really like everything I see and read on there. I am in an open relationship, however, mine is a little complicated. I am dating a wonderful woman who happens to want me to be with other women. She has some emotional and intimacy issues and mentally cannot handle having sex with anyone. Light kissing, hugs & occasional hand holding is about the only physical contact she can handle. Anyways, Here is the main reason I am writing you. We are going to be taking a trip to Myrtle Beach {redacted} for as a late Birthday getaway for me. My girl has a fantasy about watching me with another woman while she "hides" and enjoys the show. I know this is a little weird and all but I like the way you describe yourself and how you look in the photos and I would love it if you would consider joining us for a night of fun. I hope to hear back from you. Take care,
{Redacted}

PS. in case you look over my profile and it reads as single, it is because not too many people are open minded about dating a guy who has a girlfriend who wants him to sleep around...

Okay, lets start off with the obvious, who the fuck sends this kind of message? In what planet is it okay to send a completely random girl a message asking her to prostitute herself out for free because your girlfriend has "emotional intimacy issues" (read: doesn't actually exist). Furthermore, nothing in my profile suggests i would in any way game for this. Unless the term "History Nerd" is now code for sexually adventurous. Oh, and no problem let me check your profile, which comes with a picture so i already know you are a white male, idiot, but thanks for reminding me in case your just really an albino black guy. Hrm... you list yourself as a "sexual deviant" well obviously since you are ~~fucking a blow up doll~~ "dating" a girl with intimacy issues so no blowjobs for you. This was my reply to him:

I don't know what in your right mind would possess you to send this to me. There is nothing about my profile that suggests i would in any way be game for this nonsense.

Frankly I think you're a serial killer, get professional help.

Okay I know i shouldn't poke the serial killers but seriously, I don't think this guy has any fucking clue how insulting his message was. I'm sorry when did Okcupid become a place to randomly get hookers, because i'm insulted at the implication that i would sleep with some random guy i have never met before. Thats certainly safe behavior.

Oh his response...

All you had to do was like the others who aren't interested. All you had to do was say "thanks for the compliment and for thinking of me but no thank you I am not into this kind of thing." there was no need to be rude or insulting to a serious attempt at flattery.

This was supposed to be flattering? And no Creepy McSerial Killer, a no thanks would not suffice in this instance. When you treat someone like they are a hooker for hire, a no thanks is not fucking good enough. Want to flatter me? Tell me i'm smart or interesting or at least look at my fucking profile and pick something out. Also, this makes it totally obvious he was sending this message to several girls in the hopes that some ~~girl with low self-esteem and body image~~, poor soul would take pity on his woe-is-me situation and pity fuck him ~~before he strangles her and dumps her body into the ocean~~.

How do these people find me?

SUNDAY PIC: America The Beautiful

2011-04-17T06:45:00.001-04:00

I love that New Jersey is synonymous with Snooki now. Also Rainy hipsters is my favorite part!

**From Graphjam

Karaoke: 15 Minutes of Fame Bitches

2011-04-13T16:29:00.001-04:00

So its once again time for Karaoke Blog Ring of Death. This month we opted to do One-Hit wonders. I'm getting the adorable TJ from My Life in Southern California. I love TJ because he operates in my Fantasy Baseball team and I think he might actually be doing better than me (that bastard). He's doing Cutting Crew's "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" and while i'm creeped out by the weird blue face, he still sings better than i do.

If you're wondering where i am, the incomparable Tristachio is hosting me on her blog Tristachio: Just a Family of Nuts. I'm singing Willa Ford's "I Wanna Be Bad," and my singing lives up to the bad reputation. Anyways take it away Tj.

300th Post Party!

2011-04-12T00:14:00.000-04:00

So this marks the 300th post for Dancing on the Bar of Life. Frankly, I never thought i would get to a 100 posts, or 50 readers so this is quite a feet for me. I wanted to do something cool for 300 posts but i couldn't come up with anything. So i opted to Vlog instead. I hope y'all enjoy!

For the record, even though i rag on tourists, I still love them. Heck, I'm a tourist when I'm on vacation, so i get it. Plus i make my money during tourist season, so i would hate if they stopped coming. It's just that one bad tourist spoils the whole bunch sometimes. Also for 300 posts, I thought i would look back and share my favorite/most viewed posts

Coyote Rose's Posts of Hilarity:

Oh, it has already been broughten

2011-04-07T22:50:00.000-04:00

So for those of you who follow my twitter, you might have noticed an increase of historical facts coming your way (For those of you who are new to this blog, I happen to hold a masters degree in European History. You can read all about that here). This increase is a marked reaction to a comment UNC-Sis made on twitter last night.

Challenge Accepted Bitch! (and by bitch i mean sister that i dearly love even though we are like oil and water, and omg how are we even fucking related to each other?)

And then she posted this:

So at least now I am doing something with that History degree I paid a kajillion dollars for and iamsogoingtobeindebtforever because of. Consider this your public service project from the Coyote Sisters.

Under The Covers: Bulletproof Mascara

2011-04-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

TITLE: Bulletproof Mascara

AUTHOR: Bethany Maines

GENRE: Fiction, Spy/Thriller

SUMMARY: With a linguistics degree and no other prospects, Nikki Lanier takes a job with the philanthropic arm of Carrie Mae, a cosmetics company, to get out of her mother’s house. She doesn’t expect the training to involve target practice, intelligence techniques, and identifying explosives disguised as make-up. The Carrie Mae Foundation is actually a network of secret operatives charged with protecting women around the world. Nikki passes her training with flying colors. Her boss, the enigmatic Mrs. M, then pairs Nikki with flinty agent Valerie Robinson and sends them to Thailand to find the missing director of a women’s clinic. Mix in double agents, human trafficking, and repeated run-ins with a charismatic stranger who’s hiding something, and Maines turns in a tale full of surprises. *

ROSE'S REVIEW: What happens when you mix Mary Kay and the CIA? You get Bulletproof Mascara. I was perusing the shelves at Barnes and Nobles when i spotted this book and I knew immediately that i wanted to read it (sadly i couldn't buy it that day due to lack of funds, but i found it 2 months later in the 5 buck bin at Books-a-Million). It sounded like the female James Bond book, and i wasn't disappointed.

Nikki Lanier has it bad. Her degree in linguistics isn't netting her a job and her overbearing mother is driving her nuts. Her mother forces her to go to a Carrie Mae Cosmetics meeting and by sheer luck (or fixing) she wins a Carrie Mae cosmetics bag. When her first sales meeting goes horribly horribly wrong (did she really make someone eat lipstick?) Nikki is recruited into the covert spy world of Carrie Mae. Training is tough but she makes it through and onto her first mission with the wildly rebellious Val. Add in human trafficking, the underworld of Thailand, a Mysterious sexy man that keeps showing up and you have one really good read. The book isn't perfect. Sometimes you figure things out way before Nikki does, but that's part of her charm. Bulletproof mascara makes me want to go join Mary Kay in the hopes of netting a covert spy job.

GRADE: A-

*From Amazon

SMAC: Ugh, Nic Cage, You've Done it Again!

2011-04-02T01:23:00.003-04:00

So its time for Sucky Movie Awarness Ring for April! I get the Fabulous Shelly from ShellyTalks. Shelly is like my long lost twin in nerdom. She has the Rebel Alliance Symbol Tattooed on her! Girl is like my nerdy soulmate. Plus she is all about Chris Pine's Package. Anyways I'm going to let Shels take it away. If you want to see my Review of National Treasure (which is really an excuse for me to nerd out on History) I'm up at Tab's blog Geeky Ambiguous Me. Take it away Shels:

Oh my goodness I'm on Tit's blog! I've died and gone to virtual heaven! haha! I'm super excited to be on this blog! Can you tell? Why I'm on her blog, I'm sure you're curious. Well! It's time for the Movie Blogring! We have to bash Nic Cage and his horrible acting abilities.

I swear, this guy ruins every single movie for me. He's awful! I couldn't even take a movie that should have been good like "Kick Ass" seriously, because he's just so bad. I wonder what it's like to be part of a huge movie making family like the the Coppolas and be the least talented. Maybe he's always trying to prove himself? Or he hates his family and wants to really run the name through the mud. Either way Mr. Cage, keep it up! Your movies are wonderful to make fun of!

The movie I watched was "Peggy Sue Got Married." It's actually a movie made by his here uncle Francis Ford Coppola. It's also a Buddy Holly song....ANYWAY! The premises of the movie is about Peggy Sue. She married her high school sweetheart, Charlie, and wants a divorce. At her 25th high school reunion, she faints, and when she wakes up she's a senior in high school again. Will she make the same choices? Will she choose a new path? You'll have to watch and find out!

You should see Nic in this movie, he's extra terrible. Not only is he his usual ho-hum self...but he has some weird voice going on. I'm not sure why, and it's actually incredibly hilarious. Like a cartoon character or something. And the really sad part? I have to admit, young Nic Cage, isn't a bad looking dude. Before the weird hair, and possible hair plugs...He wasn't a bad looking guy! Just a horrible actor.

I will also give mad props for his awesome jacket

So since this is a movie review, I am going to recommend you see this movie. No, really. It's so bad, it's good. That and I'm a sucker for Kathleen Turner. I mean, who doesn't like Jessica Rabbit?

Oh Happy Day

2011-03-31T22:40:00.001-04:00

So first off, I am guesting posting along side my buddy Tsa at The Danaconda's today. Check out what we do to try and get male attention.

Second, I turned my ipod onto my most recently played songs today while i was driving to the mall to partake in some retail therapy (I have had to deal with entirely too many idiots recently). Anyways the first song come on and i loved it, then the second and third. Finally, I realized that my most recently played songs was like my list of songs that always make me happy. Which reminded me of this great quote from One Tree Hill (Shuddup, i can hear you snickering):

"You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Um, then there’s the music people, like Brooke. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics- Peyton Sawyer"

So I thought I would share with you my Happy List (in no particular order):

Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis
Sweet Serendipity by Lee Dwyze
A Lifetime by Better than Ezra
Stars by Switchfoot
Desperado by The Eagles
Breathe by Anna Nalick
Away From the Sun by 3 Doors Down
If You Only Knew by Shinedown
Tennessee Line by Daughtry
Almost by Bowling for Soup
Sweet and Low by Boston

I know there are probably some songs on here you have never heard by bands you probably haven't heard. But check them out, maybe you'll love these songs as much as me.

SUNDAY PIC: Sinking Ships

2011-03-27T14:25:00.001-04:00

So some of you might have heard that my job was having a Build Your Own Boat Race. Essentially the contestants had to build their boats from 9am -3pm behind my restaurant using anything that was never part of a boat. People used styrofoam, duck tape, plywood, coke bottles, etc etc. Then two people had to race the boats from our restaurant to a buoy and then turn around a come back. I had to work the event but i manged to find some pictures that the news took to show you.

This was the Peanut Shops Boat and the "Sinko-de-mayo" from Dicks Last Resort*

The Flying Fish/All Build Boat**

The Sysco Boat helping out the Bully's Boat before it tipped over***

*from wmbf news story found here
** From SCnow story found here
*** From The Sun News Story found here

Good Morning: Act 1

2011-03-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

So every morning i wake up about 8:30ish to my mother yelling at someone. I pretty much lay in bed and listen to the commotion going on in the next room. Here's a taste of what its like at my house

CAST:

Mom

Sierra- My 4 year old Sister

Hannah- My 1 year old Sister

Mojo- our Havanese puppy

ACT 1:

Mom: You two watch cartoons while I take Mojo Out

*Door Opens and Shuts*

Hannah: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

*Door Opens and Shuts*

Mom: Mojo stay still while i wipe your butt

Mojo!

Hold on!

Hannah don't touch that

Argghhhhhh

Hannah!

Alright Sierra lets do your hair

Sierra!

Hannah get off your sister

Sierra: AHHHHH

I'm doing it easy

OWWWWWW

Hannah come on

Where is the nearest fire department?

Alright, your hair is done.

Hannah where is your sock?

Mojo took your sock

Mojo come back with that sock!

Woof woof

Alright lets get ready to go to school

Yes, you're going to school

No, I'm don't

It's no, I'm not

No, I'm not

Yes, you are

No, i'm not

Yes, you are. You get the next two days off from school

AHHHHHHHHH

Come on into the van

Hannah come back here

Sierra you can watch cartoons when you come home

Come on

Sierra!

*door opens and shuts

I Have a Problem and His Name is Ebay

2011-03-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

So I have an addiction to ebay. Its a very recent addiction as I only recently started making enough money at work to pay all my bills, ~~not live in a cardboard box~~, ~~not be the poorest person i know~~ and actually be able to by stuff i want. But still a little bit of extra spending cash and what am i doing with it? Not taking my dogs to the vet like i should be or ~~dealing with that stripper who i owe~~ paying off my credit card.

Nope I'm spending ridiculous amounts of time trying to win shit at auctions on Ebay. Ebay is like a void that has sucked me in. In the last two weeks I have participated in auctions for: Bones Season 2, Daria, Chuck Season 3, Daria, Chuck Season 3, One Tree Hill Seasons 1-5, Doggie DNA Test, Chuck season 3 (seeing a pattern here?) One Tree Hill Seasons 1-4, and Chuck Season 3.

Of those I won Bones season 2, and lost EVERY.OTHER.AUCTION. It started pissing me off on Saturday because i kept getting outbid in the LAST 2 SECONDS. This didn't deter me from getting what i wanted though. I ended up buying Daria on DVD through Ebay's buy it now function for cheaper than what i would have got it at auction. So if i disappear for the next two weeks I am probably nerding out on what high school was like in the 1990s with my favorite animated supergirl (yes, i consider Daria a superhero of the sarcastic, honest, smart, unenthusiastic kind).

But seriously Ebay has become a problem, I spend more time watching the little numbers on that site than i do in the 20sb chat! Also, i got the ebay app for my Ipod. I need an intervention. I need to stop. I need to get a life.

But first dammit I am going to get Chuck Season 3 on DVD!

I Got A Button Bitches

2011-03-21T10:46:00.001-04:00

So over the weekend I somehow became tech savy (yeah... not really) and made a blog button for myself.

Now who doesn't want sparkly stripper heels and a frosted martini glass on their blog? The linky is on the side if you want it!

Duck, Duck, Bitch

2011-03-17T14:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we all know that i am currently living with my parents (and it totes sucks) but what i may not have told you is that my family lives in housing development that is 90% people-on-their-death-beds. The town i live in is mostly a retirement city, so my housing development isn't any different. My parents are almost a good 20 years younger than everyone else. I think we are one of about 5 houses that have school aged children. I tell you that, so that i can tell you this:

I was out walking my dogs the other day and I always walk them along this path next to the road by my developments clubhouse (which conveniently is right across from my house). I go up the road till i hit the stop sign at the end and then walk back to my house. I do this 2-4 times a day. There is a pond behind my clubhouse where turtles and 2 ducks live. So I'm walking the dogs and they had been walked about 2 hours prior, so i didn't feel the need to take them the whole way. So i turn and cross the bridge to go back to my house and this old lady yells out to me "Hey honey."

Before she even finishes her sentence I am inwardly groaning. Old people down here only call you "Honey" and "Sugar" if they are going to be completely condescending to you. Anyways she yells "Hey honey, don't let your dogs go near the ducks."

What?

Okay first off, I have already turned around and am heading away from the pond. Heres a diagram for you:

So yeah, I've already crossed the bridge and am heading away from the pond when she yells at me to not go near the ducks. Second, the ducks weren't even out and if they were we weren't within 100 yards of them because my dogs love to bark at them.

Like what did this lady think i was going to do? Let go of the leashes i was holding so that my two terriers could chase the ducks? I don't exactly own Pit Bulls or Labradors; They aren't dogs that are bred to go duck hunting. My dogs like to chase squirrels, sure, but damn the ducks are bigger than them. Seriously, my dogs weigh all of 36 pounds combined... most five-year-old's weigh more than Nixon and Kennedy. The ducks could probably beat them up (ducks are fiesty bitches, they will kick your ass). Also, last time i checked duck could fly. Did she really think my dogs would chase them down, catch them and shake them to death? How often do you see a dog catch a duck that isn't dead? Plus pond. The ducks can swim. Nixon won't go in water and Kennedy acts like i am Hitler when i give her a bath. My dogs are not going to jump into this pond to chase down the ducks.

I just don't understand these people. All this women did was make me want to let go of the leashes so the dogs could attack her. Which would have been the actual outcome of me letting go the leashes. Nixon and Kennedy would have run up and started jumping on her because they act like they are starved for human attention. Forget the damn ducks, she might have treats. Who are these old people and why are they so annoying?

SUNDAY PIC: Corrupting the Youth of the Nation

2011-03-13T20:18:00.001-04:00

A Message to you from Lil' Miss Sis:

She happens to be showing me a cut on her finger, but the message still stands. Also yes, our house is always this messy.

Drunk and Its not even St. Patricks Day Yet!

2011-03-09T22:36:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Karaoke Blog Ring of Death for March, because March is the time for both St. Patrick's day and Spring Break (not to mention March Madness) it was only fitting that our theme is Drunken Songs! I'm being hosted by the wonderful Penny Lane over at The Chronicles of a College Girl (she's amazing, read her blog now!)

I got the horribly funny Bi from Bianca and the B-sides this month. I'm not sure how i haven't come across her before since we have like the exact same bloggy friends, but i'm pretty sure i will now be following her religiously. I except everyone else to do the same. Anyways I'm gonna let her take it away:

HELLOOOOO Karaoke-ers!! I think you should know that I did this in one take.. Yes, ONE take, because I was a little tipsy and I thought it was just fabulous at the time! Upon reaching sobriety and watching it back, however, I was totes embarrassed and wanted to be a lame-o and back out, but I just couldn't justify it. So, here are a few special notes about this performance:

1) Towards the middle, I started getting genuinely fatigued by my antics, so if you hear me panting like a dog in heat, that is why.

2) You get to meet Little Martin, my totally un-rockstar-ish guitar for a brief period, because I thought I was really bad-ass at the time I picked it up.

Anywayzzzz, stop on over at my blog, Bianca and the B-Sides, if you'd like to see Alexandra's rocking karaoke performance . Much thanks to the lovely and talented Coyote Rose for hosting this awful video, you are truly a brave soul.

Stop Pissing Me Off

2011-03-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

So there are a number of things pissing me off recently and i started this blog to vent, so dammit I'm gonna motherfucking vent.

1. I'm so tired of people and their blanket statements about political parties. Seriously, all liberals are not tree-hugging, gay, minority baby-killers just like all conservatives are not homophobic, racist, ignorant gun owners. I mean I dare anybody out there to find a conservative that is all "i'm going to litter because i don't give two shits about the environment" or a liberal that says "we should abort all babies because the human race should die off." Blanket statements just make me want to punch puppies because they are so ignorant and ridiculous. Seriously, stop- they just make you look foolish.

2. Shitty Tippers. Listen you motherfuckers, I work for 2.13 an hour. That's way way way under minimum wage. I don't complain about that so much cause its the way it works. But for you douchebags to tip less than 10% just makes me want to crotch punch you. Lets do a little math here. If the check is $100 bucks then 10% is 10 dollars. Of those 10 bucks I have to tip out 3 to my busser/food runner/bartender, leaving me a net of 7 dollars.

And I've been getting a string of shitty tippers at work recently, most of the Canadian, European, general American douchebag kind. But seriously I got 5 on $93 check, 13 on $147 and 5 on $70, I lose money on those tables. I mean i am basically paying for those people to eat in my restaurant. There is a reason that tips should be 15-18%. The other day i got a string of all of them and i just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I can't afford dog food on some of the tips i have been making. I can't wait for the summer season to start

Also if you go to a restaurant and run up a $125 bill and then pay 75 dollars on gift cards, you still need to tip on that initial 125 dollars. I still have to tip out based on that 125 dollars, so even though you might have only paid 50 bucks, leaving me a 7 dollar tip is still going to make me want to string you up by your toes and throw tomatoes at you.

3. Gas Prices- i know there is like a bunch of unrest and uprisings in the middle east, but dammit that is not an excuse for OPEC to be raising my gas prices. $3.50 a gallon is beyond too much. I'm old enough to remember when i got gas for .98 cents a gallon. I can't afford to get gas with the shitty tippers i am getting right now!

4. People who type like this:

"damn ur beautiful wuz gud can i get to kno u. do u like blk guys. i just move to [redacted] from jersey u should def gimme a chance to get to kno u sexi hit me u eva cum to da [redacted]"

This is an actual message sent to me on OKCupid. I mean i'm flattered that some guy think i am beautiful but I have no fucking clue what he said after that. I'm pretty sure this isn't English, its not even Ebonics, its just a bunch of letters randomly thrown onto a computer screen. I am impressed that he managed to use periods, even though they were not used properly. But yeah, he won't be getting a return response.

SUNDAY PICS: Gremlins 1st birthday

2011-03-06T02:29:00.001-05:00

So it was Baby Sis's (otherwise known as Gremlin) 1st birthday on the 26th of February. Here are pictures from her birthday party.

Give Me Cake Bitches!

I'm a gang baby, I'll bust a cap in yo ass

mmmm Cake

Lets just make a bigger mess


I not doing nothing wrong

The End of Meathole Guy

2011-03-03T00:58:00.001-05:00

So i have been debating on whether or not to post this story on the blog, because i find it super embarrassing. But then i remembered that Mandy Moore told the story of how she lost her virginity on a Disney cruise and then i didn't feel so bad about it. Plus it feels wrong to not explain why Meathole guy will no longer be making appearances on my blog. For those of you who are not longtime readers i refer you to Meet Meathole Guy and The Return of Meathole guy.

So for most of December and January I got texts from Meathole guy about coming to visit and needing me and all that other nonsense guys tell you that is really code for "dammit I want sexy time now!" Finally towards the end of January I decided to go up to Grad School Town and get my winter clothes out of storage. Since its kind of a suck drive and i can't see several of my Grad School friends during the day, I opted to stay the night with Meathole guy.

Big Mistake.

So i show up and I was pleasantly surprised at first. Meathole guy actually had furniture in his apartment, like an actual couch and bed. Granted the bed was a twin mattress and on the floor, but it was a step-up from the air mattress he has been sleeping on (we always had sex at my apartment during grad school). Anyways we talked for a couple hours and i busted his balls a little and then we got down to sexy time.

Now normally Meathole guy isn't one for foreplay. His idea of foreplay is to play with my tits for 20 minutes, but for a change the foreplay was actually pretty good. I mean we were getting pretty hot there and I had hickeys from my neck to my tits to prove it. (Sidenote: who leaves hickeys anymore? As my Ex- future husband said when i told him this story "that just seems like he was trying to brand you, what are we in high school?") I'm going to save you the details here but the short version is the condom broke and he tried to play it off like it didn't happen. Of course, I caught on and slammed on the brakes because

I don't want no fucking kids right now.
I don't want kids with anyone i call Meathole guy
I don't want no fucking kids right now!

Now 4 hours prior to my arrival I had texted Meathole guy and asked if he needed me to pick up condoms to which he replied that he had it covered. But i guess covered meant he had one, because 12:30 at night I sent him out to buy condoms.

and i waited....

and waited....

and read a book...

and waited....

and took a nap....

and at 2:30 am, two hours later I finally texted him, because at this point i thought the worst. He was either in a ditch somewhere, or got into a car accident or arrested. I mean Grad School Town is fairly small it takes 10 minutes to get to walmart.

Where was he?

At his friends apartment (the guy lives on the 1st floor of the same building)....

... watching Piranhas.

Has that sunk in yet?

No?

Maybe now?

Still not?

Okay?

So yes, Meathole guy left me half-naked in his bed waiting for him to return for more sexy time to watch these creepy little boogers:

Seriously, WTF?

Who leaves a hot half-naked chick in there bed for 3 hours to watch a crappy B-movie with his buddies? Way to make me feel unattractive, unwanted and bad in bed all in one fell swoop. So yeah I promptly went to sleep because by this time i wanted to forget this night ever happened. Meathole guy rolled in an hour later and crashed out next to me. To add insult to injury, he declined on morning sex the next morning too.

My Ego= broken into a million little pieces.

I had to call my ex's (who i am still facebook friends with) to make sure i wasn't bad in bed and didn't know it. They assured me i wasn't, Meathole guy assured me i wasn't. I'm still not really sure i believe any of them. Meathole guy didn't even have a good excuse either. He wasn't drunk or getting high. He just decided that after texting me for 2 months, an hour of foreplay and 15 minutes of actual sex that he just didn't want anymore that night.... or he forgot i was there. I don't know what happens in his head.

So yeah his fucking rights have been terminated. If this didn't do it, the fact that he has a kid he neglected to tell me about the entire time i have been sleeping with him (started on-and-off in october of 2009) would have done it for him.

Where the fuck do i find these guys?

SMAC: Stick It

2011-03-02T11:52:00.001-05:00

So its time for the Sucky Movie Awareness Ring and this month we opted to Sports Movies. There is such a plethora of bad sports movies, we probably could have done this theme for three months in a row. I get the pleasure of hosted the incredible Nicole Sweeney from Sweeney Says who is doing one of the my favorite guilty pleasure sport movies: Stick It.

If you are looking for my post. I'm reviewing The Mighty Ducks over at Andres Rio's blog Good Music, Bad Math. Anyways, take it away Sweeney:

When I saw the chosen genre for this month, I wasn't really sure where to go with it. I asked my Facebook friends to decide for me. My "worst sports movie you've ever seen. go." status received some excellent entries, but once I saw this one, I knew I had a winner.

My choice had to be Stick It. It didn't even occur to me as a sports movie because it's mostly an insanely cheesy grrrlpower movie. However, because gymnastics play a substantial role in the film, I'm going to go ahead and say it qualifies.

First of all: the fact that this movie makes me question the legitimacy of gymnastics is probably its greatest offense. This is an Olympic sport! And fine, my childhood memories of gymnastics class don't expand beyond the Ocean Spray vending machine and the supremely exciting foam pit. But I do remember perpetually bruised hips as I hauled my fat ass around the uneven bars when I took gymnastics for a P.E. credit in high school. The girls in this movie are a collection of predictable stereotypes, who, in spite of spending most of their time in a training facility, mostly seem to stand around in leotards exchanging uninspired insults.

Something else I should point out: I hadn't seen this movie in a long time. As a general rule, I love most awful movies in a completely unironic way. Even this one has a bit of a soft spot in my heart. Assume that every criticism I have of this movie is probably only half-hearted, because I secretly like it more than I would ever admit. Except for right now. On the internet. However, I remember finding the main character to be one of the most annoying leads ever. This is not even due to the fact that she is a big fucking brat, but mostly because she actually spends 80% of the movie like this:

I get it, you're hardcore. If I could edit this movie and remove all 900 times she does this, I would probably like her a lot more. The movie would be about 20 minutes long. Also, now that I have rewatched it, she reminds me of Kristen Stewart, which makes me dislike her even more.

The opening credits are set to Jump On It, so you know you're in for a real winner pretty much from the start. This is not a criticism of the soundtrack. I actually like the soundtrack, but that's because I have no taste.

Stick It is about a girl named Haley Graham who is apparently often being picked up by the cops. In the beginning of the film Haley gets picked up by for her usual rowdy-trouble-making-super-tom-boy antics. She is told that she can choose military school or really expensive gymnastics camp. She chooses military school and is assigned gymnastics camp. This is completely plausible, of course.

We learn that Haley was once a wildly successful gymnast, until she walked out of the World Championships and cost her entire team a shot at medals. (We will later learn that she did not get nervous and choke; her coach had an affair with her mother thereby destroying her love of the sport) Haley is, of course, wildly persnickety upon her arrival at gymnastics camp. We also learn that her coach is something of a has-been who somehow manages to charge exorbitant rates for his services by promising parents that their daughters will all see Olympic gold with his tutelage.

Obviously, Haley begrudgingly learns from him and she makes him a better person and earns him some redemption. Also, in the end, Haley shows her rebel cred by explaining (via voiceover) the injustices of the gymnastics judging system and then organizing a protest among her competitors. After her teammate is penalized for having a bra strap showing, the girls all scratch so that they can choose the winners in each event instead of the judges. She's so punk rock.

This is one of those movies that makes me think of my college roommate, Vagina. Vagina probably secretly loves this movie, but will openly express that there are just so many things wrong with it. I won't even address Wei Wei, the little Asian girl obsessed with hip hop, because she's awesome. Haley's nemesis is a girl named Joanne. Joanne is one of the dumbest girls I have seen in a movie. Or anywhere. It's a level of stupid that goes beyond what is amusing, because her stupidity is even less plausible than a girl getting to go to a fancy gymnastics training facility as punishment for a crime. That said, Joanne might actually be my favorite character. Because I find Haley that annoying.

In spite of all of this, I might also secretly like this movie. THEY DO FRONT HANDSPRINGS IN PROM DRESSES. And then there is this absurd business with the cell-phone-hands calling one another to convey all of Haley's oh-so-brilliant zingers. All right, yes, I might feel the urge to adopt that with my little sister. I secretly like this movie because of everything that makes it awful. Because, as I said, I have no taste.

If you are perusing this month's ring in search of a terrible sports movie and you also happen to enjoy absurdly stupid teen movies, then this should be your winner. But you should probably get drunk first. In fact, this whole post should have been a Stick It drinking game (opportunity fail). I'd suggest a game where you drink each time Haley throws up the horns, but I want you drunk, not hospitalized.

SUNDAY PIC: Nickelodeon Table

2011-02-27T11:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry, you'll have to click for full size. I found this on Graphjam and it made me sad for all the Nickelodeon shows I loved and lost. I mean who remembers Hey Dude, Salute your Shorts, Weinerville and Clarissa Explians it all. I demand these shows on DVD now!

Pretty People Do Get Ahead

2011-02-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

So everyone remember my coworker that dropped her pants in the middle of the restaurant? Well she got fired about a week ago for being THE. WORST.WAITRESS.EVER.

No really, I can't count he number of just stupid things she has done between not knowing the food she is serving (seriously, she we went to a table and was like "do you know what kind of fish this is" to the customer) to being unable to refill drinks and just other retarded nonsense. Listen, she is a nice girl. She's sweet and willing to do things if you ask her, but i've met paper plates smarter than this girl. She's just vapid; there is nothing going on up there.

That being said she is gorgeous. She is super skinny and a model on the side. I mean this girl is really really pretty.

And that is apparently enough to get you hired because home girl already has another waitressing job at another restaurant. The girl has been fired from like every job she has (including from Hooters) because she has three pennies rattling around where her brain should be, and yet she has no problem getting hired. I mean all these managers had to do was call any one of her previous jobs and they would have been told not to hire her at all costs.

Being a knock-out apparently circumvents all that.

Willful Ignorance, Barbarianism and Other Nonsense

2011-02-22T23:24:00.002-05:00

So i got a bunch of topics to cover, just bear with me:

1. So I frequent a blogger site, and a lot of my best bloggy buddies have come from it. Recently there has been some drama on the site and my buddies and I have been getting a lot of crap for being "cliquish" and crap. Okay, if by cliquish you mean a bunch of people that have similar interests and personalities. I mean human nature by necessity is cliquish. People naturally gravitate towards other people of similar education/racial/socioeconomic status. It's not being cliquish, its called being human.

2. Furthermore, people need to grow some thicker skin. One of the drama cases was upset because we corrected her spelling. Okay, really? It's the Internet. I've had a person tell me to "go fucking kill myself" on the Internet, if you can't take a little bit of criticism you are in the wrong fucking place. I mean how does anyone go through life getting upset when they get corrected? Do they live in a bubble? Do they work a job where it is all rainbows and fucking puppy dogs and people piss glitter? Cause the real world is harsh and people are douchebags; get a helmet

Subsection A: Also its the fucking Internet. Typo's happen but blatantly using words incorrectly or foolish misspellings just make people look really fucking lazy. It takes less than 30 seconds to google a word on the Internet. Bookmark Merriam Webster.com and be done with it, or get a browser with spell-check. I mean a little red squiggly line comes up under any word i misspell. It makes life super simple. Then you won't look foolish when you use the word "plaid" instead of the word "played" or "desert" and "dessert." No one is expecting anyone to be a genius or to know the difference between the words "consternation" and "conservation" but damn figuring out the difference between there/they're/their isn't that complicated.

Subsection B: Sometimes its not what you say but how you say it. There is a big difference between saying "Haha, fat people are stupid," and saying "Do you think there is a correlation between people being overweight and their education levels, I think there is because X,Y & Z." If you want to come off as offense and a bitch, use the first sentence. It's guaranteed to offend overweight people everywhere.

3. Apparently I'm like a train wreck. So i work with this guy and he has the tendency to tell me i am beautiful or gorgeous (its not just me, he does this to several of the girls at work. He's mostly just being nice and funny) and every time he says it to me, i totally crack up laughing. Then i stopped last night and realized there is something totally fucked up that i start laughing when someone tells me i am gorgeous. I mean i make jokes about being sexy and having awesome boobs all the time, but i don't actually believe that shit. I guess I'm still the awkward chubby kid from middle school. No fucking joke, you remember Mia in the Princess Diaries? That was me except like 20 pounds heavier with some acne.

4. Fishing is fucked up. No really, think about it. You're just going around minding your own business, when all of a sudden some hook jerks you up by the mouth and pulls you out of your environment. Then you're just flopping around suffocating to death, while some weird ass fucking alien things laugh at your while drinking beer. That's like barbarian. Its such an awful way to go. At least when you shoot a deer its dead in the first like 30 seconds. It's not flopping around for 2 minutes suffocating its lungs out. We're a fucked up race to do this to some poor little fish.

5. Steve (my hair) looks fucking awesome today. I don't know why he is in such a good mood, but i've got awesome Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman hair except marginally more controlled. I thought everyone should know that.

Gotta Make the Beef Tongue (TC 8.9)

2011-02-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm like the worst blogger in the world because i have totally neglected this blog for the last week. I'm sorry I had like real life shit to do for a change. Anyways let me get on with the recapping

QUICKFIRE: Make a unique fondue and the other chefs would be judges. Now i have never had fondue but i've always wanted to try it. Watching the chefs do it just made me super hungry and a little jealous. Anyways, letting the chef decided is both really smart and really dumb. People like Douchebag Mike are always going to pick on personality over food quality, but alas such is life. I do love that they called the chefs out for who they put on the bottom and on the top. Somehow yet again Pissed-off Asian Dale wins. I'm getting really tired of him winning.

ELIMINATION: They send the chefs to Rockefellar Center to be on the Jimmy Fallon show. I love Jimmy Fallon. Personally, i think he is the funniest late night host, and thats hard to say because i love Letterman. He makes them play cellphone shoot out where they have to take pictures with their cellphones of flashing items on a screen. Whatever they shoot is what the chef has to make Fallon and his whole family for his b-day lunch. I love this idea because its so fricken random.

The shoot-out goes like such:

Hand of Death Antonia- Beef Tongue
Italian Sausage Fabio-Hamburger with French Fries
Russian Bride Angelo- Pulled Pork
Professor Blais- Ramen noodles
Pissed-Off Asian Dale- Philly Cheese Steak
Hootie-Ho Carla- Chicken Pot Pie
Other Tiffany- Chicken and Dumplings
Douchebag Mike- Sausage and Pepper Sandwich

Okay, i love that Jimmy Fallon and his wife (who is adorable) are big fans of the show. It makes it that much nicer that they are doing a challenge for him, as opposed to other people who TC have done challenge for who obviously have never seen the show before. The best part is that between Jimmy, his head writer Miles and his announcer, the jokes never stop coming. Also, I love Fallon's adorkable use of baseball analogies. If he wasn't a red sox fan, he would be man after my own heart.

The judges and guests aren't huge fans of Blais' Ramen or Fabio's Hamburger. They complain that Pissed-Off Asian Dale's cheesesteak is way too salty. Carla's Pot Pie seemed to be a huge hit. Tom didn't even want to comment on it because he was too busy eating it. Heck, the extendable fork came out for that pot pie. They also liked Antonia's beef Tongue and Angelo's pulled pork with coffee and dill. So it was no surprise they ended up in the top three.

Also the beef tongue song is the best thing that has ever happened on Top Chef. I dare you not to laugh watching this video:

WINNER: Hootie-Ho Carla

OUT: Italian Sausage Fabio (I'm a sad panda)

**Quotables**

"I've never done a booger, burger- I don't even know how to pronounce them"- Fabio

"I think i was expecting like a smoke machine and laser beams to come out" -Fallon on Professor Blais

"And then the salt monster just attacked me"- Fallon

"I drank a keg of beer and i'm currently intoxicated"- Fallon

Karaoke Ring of Death

2011-02-09T22:11:00.001-05:00

Hey, so a bunch of my friends have been doing Karaoke Blog Ring of Death (#KBROD) for sometime now, but i'm just now getting on the bandwagon. This is my first month, so go easy on me bitches. I'm being hosted at the awesomely hot Kit Marsden's Blog (you can scoot on over there to see me make an idiot out of myself in a second).

Anyways, I'm hosting the adorable Amanda from The Long Road Set here. Her writing is so awesome that people actually want to pay her for it (color me green with envy). Anyways this months KBROD theme was Love/Anti-love songs. She choose Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, which I think is a fabulous choice. Enjoy (plus she laughs about half way through, Her laugh is infectious).

Lions and Tigers and Memes, Oh My!

2011-02-08T16:59:00.002-05:00

So two of my favoritest bloggers, You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun and Penny Lane, tagged me in Memes last week and since i'm like a totally lazy bitch I am just now getting around to them.

Anyways, Lucky tagged me in the 5 things you love meme.

So my 5 current loves:

1. My New Twitter Necklace. I know that these necklaces have been mentioned on my blog like ad nauseum now, but i totes love mine. I'm just that nerdy. Plus the comments i have been getting about it are hilarious. I wear it backwards at work so that my coworkers can't see my twitter handle and they keep asking me what its about. One asked me "if i like punctuation?" Why yes, yes I do.

2. Lindor Truffles- These are like a gift from the chocolate gods. So fricken yummy. I happen to be in love with milk chocolate with a white chocolate filling ones. I can eat like a whole bag in one days. I just don't look at the calorie count.

3. Karaoke Blog Ring of Death (#KROD)- My fellow 20something Bloggers came up with the Karaoke ring of death. The premise is your Vlog yourself singing and/or dancing to some song and then send it to another blogger, who sends theirs to another blogger and so on and so forth. This is my first month doing it and I am totes excited for everyone to see how super retarded and whorey i look in mine.

4. Nyquil- Because i have been a sick bitch for so long that i have gone through an entire bottle already. I swear I am going to be better soon, right? RIGHT???

5. Barefoot Moscato- I realize this blog is become about food and drink right now, but guess what? I don't give a fuck. I'm not much of a wine drinker. I typically go straight for the hard liquor (vodka, tequlia, rum) cause if i'm getting drunk I want to do it as fast as possible. But since hard liquor is expensive and i'm a poor bitch I've started drinking wine. This is the only wine i can drink like 4 glasses of without getting tired of it. It's super sweet and fruity and i can drink it with anything, well thus far.

Okay and now for my 5 ~~Poor Bastards~~ Lucky Bloggers I am passing this on to

Geoph the Fabulous @ The Far Too Important Blog
Nugs (My lesbian Lover) @ That Ain't Kosher
Gemma @ This Fact Might Save Your Bacon
Harley (the Hottest Irish Bitch Ever!) @ No Pressure, No Diamonds
Kris @ Because or Why Not

And Penny Lane gave me the Memetastic Award!

So the rules are i have to tell you 5 things about me but only 1 of them is true:

My eyes are two different colors. One is green and one is blue.
I can speak German, French and Italian.
I used to have class with Clay Aiken before he became famous (UNCC BABY!)
I used to have my nose peirced.
The first concert I attended was Disturbed

Okay, have fun guessing and now i am passing this award onto:

TSA @ The Tsarista Sez
Andy @ Andy Hmmmmm
Mandy @ The Real Mandy Moore
You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun @ Things I Like to Eat (... and Other Such Nonsense)
Sam @ A Redhead Named Sam

I'm Running Out of People to Root For (TC 8.8)

2011-02-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

With Marcel recently departed from the Top Chef Stage (that sound you hear is me sobbing in the corner) the Chef's are in need of a new villain, because you know there is always one. So whose going to fill the void: Russian Bride Angelo, Pissed-off Asian Dale or Douchebag Mike. My bet is on Douchebag Mike.

QUICKFIRE: The Chefs come in to see Lord of the Crazy Isaac Mizrahi standing in there Kitchen, causing Fabio to quip that he going to have to make a great dish and then Mizrahi is going to wear it. But alas, it is not something that interesting. The Challenge is to make a plate that will be judged on presentation and aesthetics only.

For the record, i hate these kind of challenges. It's not that i have a problem with aesthetics, god knows i won't eat food that doesn't look appetizing. It's just that if the plate is beautiful and the food sucks it is just as bad. So i think it would have been more interesting if the Chef has to create a pretty dish and then the judges had to eat it too.

Anyways there as some kooky plates including Angelo's egg-bag-crocodile skin thing that looked like vomit in a bag. Hand of Death Antonia created a tree on her plate modeled after The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstien. Professor Blais made some sort of black and blue ice cream vomit thing. Tre basically put colored squiggles on a plate. My Favorite was Carla's green and red plate; she made a green lattice and then layered beets and cucumber, it looked gorgeous and i wanted to eat it too. But somehow Blais's Black ice cream thing wins. I'm still scratching my head on that one. Black food in general is unappetizing because food, generally, isn't black. Sure you can say blackberries, but name me another food that is black.

ELIMINATION: Then 3 men come waltzing into the room like something straight out of the Godfather. I mean all they needed was machine guns in there briefcases and it would have totally fit into Godfather 4. The chefs were then divided into 3 teams: Frankie No, Jr, and Dino. Contestants would have to create a dish inspired by the Rao family, who own a very famous Italian restaurant in NYC. Team Dino would have to do Antipasta, which is a starter with no pasta (duh). Team Jr had to do Primi, which is the pasta dish and Team Frankie No would be doing Secondi, which is a meat dish. Teams were divided as such:

Dino/Antipasta: Hootie Ho Carla, Hand of Death Antonia and Other Tiffany
Junior/Primi: Douchebag Mike, Tre and Pissed-off Asian Dale
Frankie No/ Secondi: Russian Bride Angelo, Professor Blais and Italian Sausage Fabio

Onto the cooking: They introduce the judges and guest eaters and I got distracted by Rao's Bartender's vest. It was like a shiny sparkly travesty. I think you could see it from space. That's a What Not to Wear episode all in itself. Anyways the Antipasta group goes off without too many hitches. Other Tiffany manages to burn some of her polenta but otherwise the judges seem to like everything they make.

It's not so good for group Junior/Primi. The Judges basically hate everything they made. Douchebag Mike's rigatoni is undercooked. Tre's risotto is way too heavy on the garnish, and they hate everything about Dale's pasta-pancetta travesty. Team Frankie No/Secondi saves the day though. Italian Sausage Fabio's Pollo Allo Cacciatora and Polenta is delightful; the Judges just rant and rave about how good it was. They don't love Angelo's pork chop saying that it drowning in sauce but it is still better than anything Team Junior made. Professor Blais's pancetta cutlet is also generally well-liked.

We head in to judges table and Douchebag Mike is ranting about how Other Tiffany's dish wasn't really an Antipasta. Doesn't matter the Judges call all of Team Dino/Antipasta and Italian Sausage Fabio into the winner's circle. I thought for sure that Fabio was going to take the Italian challenge but it ends up going to Hand of Death Antonia's Mussels and Fennel dish. Fabio complains the dish is actually French, but it doesn't matter a win is a win.

On the flip side, all of team Junior/Primi is brought in for elimination. They pretty much slaughter all of them. Mike's undercooked pasta, Dale's bland dish and Tre's over-garnished Risotto. I was hoping Douchebag Mike was going to get knocked out or Pissed-Off Asian Dale. But alas it was Tre, the only cheftestant that i could never give a nickname too because he never does anything worth giving a nickname too. That was always my problem with Tre, he is likable without doing anything interesting.

WINNER: Hand of Death Antonia

OUT: Tre

**Quotables**

"Make a great dish and then i have to wear it."- Italian Sausage Fabio

"It looks like a godfather movie scene. I love it."- Fabio

"That goes like Charles Manson or something."- Isaac Mizrahi

"Some poor bastard in the witness protection program is eating this right now."- Anthony Bourdain

SMAC: Nugs Fucks a Movie

2011-02-02T12:04:00.001-05:00

So I joined (was coerced) into doing a Movie Review Ring by my partner-in-crime/lesbian lover Nugs from That Ain't Kosher. We are doing awful romantic comedies this month cause you know its February. Anyways, I'm hosting Nugs here and my review can be found at Shelly's Musings. So Enjoy.

Take it away Nugs:

Hey, guys. Welcome to the second installment of the Horrible Movie Massacre. Yeah, I never took the time to come up with a creative title. This time around, in honor of Valentine's Day, we're all reviewing hilariously bad romantic comedies. So, basically, romantic comedies.

This month, I get the real kick in the ass of sharing a blog with Coyote Rose twice- she'll be posting her Karaoke Ring of Death video for me next week. That is super awesome because I've been waiting for an excuse to go halfsies with her for a while, and now we get to rock your bodies two times in a week's span.

Did I just make a Justin Timberlake reference? I am very, very sorry.

BTW, you can read McGriddle Pants' review on my page here.

So the movie I chose to watch was Valentine's Day. I knew that it would most likely be really, really awful, but as the creator of this blogring I decided to sacrifice my dignity for all of you. <3

Jesus, this wasn't even funny bad. It's up there with Twilight as the worst film ever. EVER. I wanted to download videos of adorable baby ducks being sacrificed to lions just so I'd have something else to look at. I mean, I'm not a romantic comedy fan to begin with so I expected to hate this movie, but OH MY GOD. A porno starring my grandparents would have been less scarring than this pile of shit.

So, I essentially forced myself to sit through a film where the main character is the most annoying holiday of the calendar year, with probably the most obnoxious cast ever assembled. Valentine's Day features at least ten people that make me mentally violent. Here's the IMDB link so you can get a look at the cast and share my pain.

There are a shit-ton of major issues that I took offense to, but here are the worst:

-Taylor Swift bothers the fuck out of me. Her voice sucks, her lyrics are trivial and inane and HOLY HELL does she have a giant head. Taylor Swift's head is so huge and ridiculous that if an alien and a praying mantis had a baby, she would eat it. It's bad enough everyone loves all her stupid songs but now I have to look at her in TWO mediums? Is there no escape? Next you'll tell me that Justin Bieber wrote a book. Oh, wait...

I'm going back to sleep.

-That 4-year-old from Twilight with the weird face is in this movie, too. I LOATHE everything connected to Twilight, except for the terrible reviews. And the machine gun I will use on all the actors, writers, and everyone involved with the creation of that horrific abortion.

My only comfort is the fact that everything these kids do outside of Twilight is horribly panned and makes nine dollars at the box office, so chances are that they will have no careers once that shitshow is over.

-Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg from Mike and Mike In the Morning are the radio announcers. Are you serious??? I know it's important to hit a different demographic every so often, but this is just shameful.

-OLD PEOPLE MAKING OUT! NO! NO! NO!

-The one redeeming quality that I was looking forward to was the casting of Bradley Cooper, who's pretty hot and usually a reliable comic relief. However, all his scenes were with fucking Julia "Ponymouth" Roberts, and the writers neglected to give him any shirtless parts, so that was a total wasted opportunity. However, Eric Dane is in a towel, so there's a plus. From the neck down, he is a YES PLEASE.

The entire storyline with those two characters pissed me off. Why have a gay couple in there if you're not going to focus on it at all? "We're so edgy; we'll have some gay guys up in here. And oh, there's their two seconds. Back to the Horse Face."

Not to mention Eric Dane's character (whose name I forget, because I'm trying to block out the entire film) is a professional NFL player, so chances are that he would not live in LA, seeing as how the team closest to them is two hours away in San Diego. Of course, women that watch this movie aren't supposed to know that, because this is the most cliched, sophomoric, redundant piece of crap I have ever encountered in my life. I wanted to slowly peel off my own skin just to have another activity to engage in.

Oh right, Valentine's Day takes place in LA, as if I didn't have enough reasons to be repelled by this movie.

-There's this one part where Jr. Ponymouth tells the old people that she wants to bone her boyfriend for the first time. Tell me on what logical plane of existence would you discuss your sex life with the grandparents of the kid you babysit for? Where and when does that make any sense?

-Oh God, the Ponymouth Laugh. Like nails on a chalkboard. There it is.

-No guy anywhere, ever, would act like this. There's a scene where Eric from That 70's Show finds out that Anne Hathaway (no nickname for her, because I like her and I've been told we look alike) is a phone sex operator after they've been dating for like five seconds. So he freaks and dumps her. Then he feels bad, so he pastes together a creepy collage of the two of them and waits outside her window with Sadeyes. AND SHE DOESN'T CALL SECURITY.

WHAT THE FUCK? That's only acceptable when I did this to Coyote last week. Love you...

The main problem with this movie (besides the fact that it is a steaming pile of FAIL) is that they were so desperate to cram all these "A-list" celebrities into the cast that the writers forgot to actually develop the characters. I didn't give a rat's ass what happened to anyone, unless they all met (un)timely deaths. The 30 seconds where Ponymouth's plane hit turbulence were the thirty seconds I gleefully enjoyed because I thought it might crash. No such luck, though.

BTW, the "plot twist" with the Grey's Anatomy dude is SO predictable. I saw that coming even before the big setup.

I have never ached so hard for the ending of a film in my life. This movie succeeded in making me feel stereotypical, screechy and bitchy because it gave me heinous cramps and made me really want to hurt someone.

I think I'll go watch Reservoir Dogs.

Snotapocalypse and other nonsense

2011-02-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

So my house has the plague. Okay, no not really but its sort of been that way. Someone in our house has been sick every week since before fucking Christmas! That's 6 weeks of sickness! First my mom and stepdad, then baby sis got Whooping Cough. You ever had the CDC call your house? I have. Then Lil' Miss Sis got sick, and I got sick and now Lil' Miss Sis is sick again. And lets not forget that i am the worst sick person ever. I've been even more bitchy and less tolerable than normal. I just can't handle people's stupidity when i'm fighting off the evil death cold. Plus its like snotapocalypse has exploded in my house. There are tissues everywhere. I have personally been used as a snot rag by Baby Sis at least once. It's beyond disgusting. I mean snot bubbles everywhere!

In totally unrelated news: Henry Cavill has been cast as the new Superman. You may remember him from my people i want to fuck list. Its nice to know that his hot body will now be in bright blue spandex on a movie screen for all to ogle. I'm pretty sure this is going to take my fantasies to a whole new level. Lets just hope they don't cast someone sucky for Lois Lane (like Kristen Stewart).

So the Superbowl is this weekend and while i am still lamenting the loss of my Jets to the Steelers, i am hoping i can use the event to A). watch a really good football game, B). Hang out with some really hot guys and C). Get really drunk. Also i will be rooting for the Packers cause how selfish do the Steelers have to be? Haven't they won enough fucking superbowl rings? Share the Love people! (this coming from a Yankees Fan, I laugh at my own hypocrisy)

Also, i have been made a finalist for Sexiest Blogger on the 20sb bootleg awards. I'm not saying to vote for me or anything because i refuse to whore myself out anymore than i already have. But i do promise that my Karaoke ring of death video more than makes up for it.

Peace out, Bitches!

SUNDAY PIC: It's cookie time!

2011-01-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

Some of you might have noticed my tweets about making Seven Layer Cookie Bars. I am happy to note that i have pictures from it!

Me taking out my frustration on Graham Crackers

If you are looking for the recipe it can be found here. It's super simple: melt one stick of butter, add graham cracker crumbs, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, pecans, white chocolate chips (i hate coconut) and a can of sweetened condensed milk, and bake for 40 minutes. So simple my sisters could do it without messing it up!

OPEN LETTER: You Sick Twisted Fuckers

2011-01-27T21:37:00.001-05:00

Dear People Who Post Job Scams:

I Fucking Hate You.

No seriously, if i could blow you up I totally would. You are single-handedly ruining job hunting for millions of people. I mean here are honest, hard-working people who have to tweak their resume to every job they apply for and spend hours painstakingly writing cover letters all for jobs that don't exist thanks to you jackasses. I mean in the time it takes me to apply to one of your fictitious posting I could have walked my dogs, taken a shower, gotten laid, or done anything else. In the matter of a week I probably spend 3 hours a week applying to jobs that don't exist because you fuckers can't get real jobs like the rest of us. That's 3 hours of my week I can never get back. You should be fucking paying me for those hours.

And really how much money are you making from this shit? Anyone with half a brain knows not to do those credit report shit. Any legitimate job wouldn't ask the potential employee to run a credit check to give them, the company would just run a background check on the employee, which the employee would have to sign-off on anyways. So there can't be that many dumb fucks out there that are giving you all their information. Why can't you get a real job like everyone else. I mean damn, McDonald's is always hiring.

Hey Work-at Home Scams- I'm looking at you too. You play on people's love of working in their pajamas. You are sick twisted fuckers. Torturing us with the idea that we can work while eating ice cream and watching Maury at 11 am. Really, you should just have your hands cut off for that offense. It's worse than kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies.

Sincerely,
Job Hunters Everywhere

I'm Gonna Accomplish Something Dammit!

2011-01-25T13:20:00.001-05:00

So I've always had a problem feeling under-accomplished. I realize most of you are rolling your eyes in disgust at me right now. How can i feel under-accomplished? I have a Masters Degree, I wrote a 105 page thesis based on primary resources, I've ridden a 300ft skycoaster, I've adopted a dog (I've stolen another one), I've won a scholarship.... yeah i'm starting to annoy myself with this list. But at the end of the day I pretty much feel like a failure since i'm 26 single, living at home with my parents, and waiting tables. So it's an uphill battle with me daily.

Anyways, because i totally have this issue I have decided i am going to come up with 11 things i am going to do in 2011. Why?- So that i am focused on something and not my fricken pathetic life, you know? Plus, i figure one of these will end up badly which makes for great blog fodder.

11 things I'm going to do in 2011

Finish my novel- I started writing my novel a long long time ago (...in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack) but I got writers block and a plothole after 6 chapters and never fixed it. Time to change that
Crochet a blanket- Nixon and Kennedy destroyed my much loved crocheted blanket my mom gave me, so its about time for me to replace it.
Work on my French- thus far all i remember from my French Classes is food, time to at least learn body parts or something useful
Have a Real Relationship- 3 date minimum, which means i can't discuss postmodernism, Star Wars or my love of bad TV until date 4.
Vlog- I mean besides the Karoke Blog Ring of Death, which is going to be hilarious (accomplished 4/12)
Finish My To Be Read Challenge- Bonus points if i manage to finish 24 books this year!
Teach Nixon and Kennedy a new trick- cause they are supposed to be trained right?
Learn and Master a Difficult Recipe- like a souffle, or my grandma's chicken pot pie. This could go very very wrong.
Have a Giveaway on my blog- self explanatory (Accomplished 6/21)
Pay Off My Credit Card- The 500 dollar limit is much harder to pay off than you would expect (accomplished 5/20)

You will note there is not a number 11. Why?- Because i am going to let you, my faithful readers (all 10 of you) to decide what task #11 is going to be. Leave your ideas in the comments and i will start a poll and let you decide what i am going to do (within reason people). Get to work!

SUNDAY PIC: Tattoo You

2011-01-23T12:08:00.000-05:00

Please let me note that I have tattoos in two of these sections, and probably a third whenever i find the cash for it. And yes I pay taxes and have a job.

**Stolen from Graphjam

Its Restaurant Wars Bitches!! (TC 8.7)

2011-01-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

I had a bad feeling about this episode before it even aired. I mean restaurant wars is always rife with problems and personality clashes but i never expected such a blow away. But lets start at the beginning.

QUICKFIRE: The chefs were taken to Le Bernadin to watch Justo Thomas cut and portion fish in like groundbreaking time. I work at a fish restaurant and i watch the chefs butcher fish daily, Justo made it look easy. Anyways the chef's had ten minutes to butcher and portion a cod and a fluke. Which is a whole two minutes longer than it took Justo, meaning some poor suckers weren't going to finish.

Among the unfinishers was Hootie-Ho Carla who didn't even get through one fish, and other Tiffany who, although she works in a seafood restaurant, sliced her fish the wrong way. In the top was Pissed-Off Asian Dale, Professor Blais, Everyone Hates Marcel and Douchebag Mike.

The top four were given 45 minutes to make a dish from the un-portioned parts of the fish, basically all the shit you don't normally want to eat: the heads, fins, collars, etc. At this point my mom goes "well Dale is going to win" cause you know he's Asian. Yes, its a little bit racist but hey he still won! For the record all 4 dishes sounded disgusting. I probably would have order Marcel's only because i didn't know any of the words he used in his dish.

ELIMINATION: It's Restaurant Wars Bitches! Because Dale won he got to choose the other team captain and since he hates Marcel and doesn't want to work with him, choosing him was the logical course of action. They divided up into teams like this:

Team Marcel: Everyone Hates Marcel, Douchebag Mike, Russian Bride Angelo, Hand of Death Antonia, and Other Tiffany
Team Dale: Pissed-Off Asian Dale, Professor Blais, Tre, Hootie-Ho Carla and Italian Sausage Fabio

From the outset I knew Marcel was doomed. He picked people not exactly known for working well together. In a twist, the diners would eat at both restaurants and decide the winner this time. By the time planning the menu had started Team Marcel was in the weeds. Marcel in his control freak ways was trying to dominate the discussion causing his teammates to get pissed off. Over on Team Dale, things were going swimmingly. Professor Blais seemed to be taking fun and quirky to a whole new level with ideas like Tuna in a Can.

Onto the actual competition: The chefs had to cook outside. Marcel tried to help his teammates and they didn't listen. He tried to lead the team (not in the nicest way) and they blew him off. It became apparent that Douchebag Mike was not going to listen to Marcel regardless of what he said. Antonia not so much either. But instead of just going with it Marcel tried harder to be bossy, which never makes the situation better. Other Tiffany floundered at front of the house, she tried- she just didn't know what she was doing. On the otherside, Fabio ran the best front of the house I have ever seen on Top Chef. I mean he made it look easy.

In a blow away only 17 out of 76 diners picked Team Marcel, making Team Dale the winner in a landslide. They called in Team Marcel to judges table and his team promptly threw him under the bus for not being a leader, which if he had tried to do and they had all blown him off. But it didn't matter, he was team leader and he was bound to go home from the outset, which makes me sad because i love Marcel. He is an asshole and cocky but i still find him likeable, which is more than i can say for Douchebag Mike and Pissed-off Asian Dale.

I don't remember much from Judges table for the winners, I was too distracted by the funny wing things on Padma's shirt. I mean she either looked like she was trying to take flight, or make her shoulders look Dynasty-huge. Either way not a good look for her.

WINNER: Professor Blais

OUT: Everyone Hates Marcel (the Hand of Death Antonia Strikes Again)

**Quotable**

"I don't have time to bleed"- Italian Sausage Fabio

"If your redneck cousin won the lottery what would he do with his caviar- dip it in ranch dressing"- Professor Blais

"Prison breaks are organized with more efficiency and teamwork"- Anthony Bourdain

Thanks Mom

2011-01-20T14:26:00.000-05:00

So i have been bequeathed the Stylish Blogger award by Jen @ Fingerprints of Autism, who also happens to be my mom.

Yes, my mom is a blogger and yes she reads my blog. It doesn't really bother me too much. She says i am pretty much the same in real life as i am on my blog (read: a complete bitch). Plus, i am pretty much a walking, talking, taller, much hotter version of my mom anyways. Except I don't give two shits what people think about me, which people find to be very endearing somehow.

Anyways, you know the awards drill: You have to tell 7 facts about yourself (i am running out of facts here people) and then nominate bloggers for the award. So without further ado...

I was a bastard child (seriously, my mom was 16, my dad was 23)
I have 2 sisters named Hannah. My mom had one with my stepdad and my dad had one with my stepmom. It's like living on an episode of Pete & Pete people.
I used to have my belly-button pierced.
I have been through 6 different hurricanes. That's what you get when you live on the coast
I speak 3 languages: English, French and German, and I speak all 3 of them very very badly.
I really want one of these Twitter Necklaces.
I have always been a nerdy bookaholic. I am in love with the written word. I read just about everything I could get my hands on when i was a kid. Some of my favorite books are still the Babysitters Club, Sideways Stories from Wayside School and the Fudge books. I can't wait till my little sisters are older so that i can shower them in books.

Now for the part you have all been waiting for (or skipped down to) I pass this award too:

Tudor Rose @ Tales of a Librarian
Smooches @ Cruel Smooches
Shelly @ Shelly's Musings
Lor (and her imaginary friends Rox and Penny) @ Late to the Party
Sassy Sassy @ Sassy Sassy and Cult Jam
Penny Lane @ The Chronicles of a College Girl
Tsa @ The Tsarista Sez

Go Forth and Prosper Bitches!

SUNDAY PIC: Jazz Hands

2011-01-16T11:53:00.001-05:00

So I couldn't decide on a Sunday Pic for this week, because i found two on ICanHasCheeseburger that were perfect. So I'm posting both, you can tell me which one you think is funnier.

Football A

Football B

** Disclaimer I did not take or caption these pics, because i am not that funny

Fishing For a Win (TC 8.6)

2011-01-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

Lets just start off by saying there was a lot of douchery on Top Chef this week. Everyone is hating on Jamie because she is still there and Casey is not. Everyone Hates Marcel and Pissed Off Asian Dale are having a bitch fight. Also I'm christening Jamie as Jamie-bitches-a-lot, she's like a doll nobody wanted. In fairness, Marcel is kind of an asshole. I find him an endearing asshole, but i could see how people wouldn't find him so endearing.

Moving on...

ELIMINATION: There was no quickfire this week instead all the chefs were divided into 4 teams of 3 and then sent fishing for 5 hours.Whatever fish they caught would then be used to cook for 200 people. To make matters worse it would be a double elimination. Teams were divided as such:

Pissed Off Asian Dale, Hootie-Ho Carla, and Tre
Douchebag Mike, Russian Bride Angelo, and Other Tiffany
Antonia, Jamie-bitches-a-lot, and Bitchy Tiffany
Professor Blais, Everyone Hates Marcel and Italian Sausage Fabio

Then went fishing. Teams 1 & 3 were on one boat, that managed to catch fish within the first 5 minutes out. Team 2 & 4 had a little less luck but eventually started catching fish. Fishing brought out all sorts of quirky things. Angelo won't go swimming in a pool because he's watched Jaws too many times. Dude, buy a life jacket and a pair of balls. Fabio and Dale discussed how their fathers were expert fishers. Fabio's dad was on the Italian national fishing team, leading me to ask "they have national fishing teams?" Do they have national procrastinating teams too? Cause i should be on the American team

Anyways the teams then cut up and cooked the fish. Members on teams 1 and 3 decided to make one dish a piece, where as team 2 (Mike, Angelo, Other Tiffany) opted to make 2 dishes and team 4 (Blais, Marcel, Fabio) opted to make one dish between the three of them. I knew one dish for 3 chefs was a bad idea. It was simply a case of too many chefs in one pot, ya know?

Ultimately teams 1 and 2 ended up in the top, with teams 3 and 4 in the bottom. The Judges loved Carla's bluefish lettuce wrap with bagel and horseradish, Dale's Fish Taco and Team 2's Striped bass with corn and tomato spice rub. Also, did anyone else notice that just about everyone used the same ingredients? It was like all the teams used corn, tomatoes, watermelon and some sort of fish. Carla should have won simply for having something different.

Conversely, teams 3 and 4 floundered (flounder, like the fish? I crack myself up sometimes). The Judges felt team 4's bass was overworked. They loved Antonia's porgy po-boy (we have porgy at my restaurant, I know that fish well) and should would have won if she hadn't been on a sinking ship with Bitchy Tiffany and Jamie. I have to give props to Antonia she did not throw her teammates under the bus, even though the judges were practically begging her too.

WINNER: Hootie-Ho Carla

OUT: Jamie-bitches-a-lot and Bitchy Tiffany

**Quotables**

"Marcel is kind of an asshole"- Tre

"Sitting in Marcel's lap, holding his rod"- Professor Blias

"This is psychological warfare"- Italian Sausage Fabio

You Get More Flies with Honey...

2011-01-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

....Well then what does it take to get successful, educated, attractive men? Do i need to cover myself in coffee to get my ideal guy? I mean ranch dressing attracts rednecks, soy sauce attracts Asians, bagels with cream cheese attracts New Yorkers and the Jewish. Currently the only thing my VS Love Spell Perfume is attracting is guys who want to fuck me. Love Spell must be code for "Horny co-eds who know the way to a girl's pants is through vodka." I know that half the problem is me. I attract the type of guy who just wants to fuck me. I'm not sure what it is about my personality that does this; It could be my overwhelming bitchiness that runs other guys off, or my constant mention of how awesome my tits are, or some other neurotic tendency of mine.

Don't get me wrong, its nice to know that if i ever needed to get laid I have a laundry list of guys i could call. But everyone once and awhile I think "gee it would be nice to actually go out on a real date." You know actually get dressed up, have those butterflies and be taken out like the real princess i am. Actually, i'd probably prefer drinking and bowling to dinner and a movie but that's neither here nor there.

In marginally related news: 20 something bloggers is holding nominations for there 2011 Bootleg awards and the my little kumquat Nugs (who totally validates my existence, without her and nips no one would know who i am) nominated me for Sexiest Blogger. Lets be clear, Sexiest blogger is the only thing i would be able to even compete for. My bloggy friends are so totes awesome, I pale in comparison. But since i did get nommed for this I feel like i have to validate that i am actually sexy.

Exhibit A


Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Not Sexy enough for you? How about this:

Okay, you caught me. Exhibit D is not actually me, but that's only because all pictures of me vomiting have been burned on the offhand chance I marry a senator. You know I don't want to fuck up his political career and all. I can so be a Jackie Kennedy, lets just hope those partially naked pictures of me never surface. Yes, i'm joking (No, i'm really not).

Anyways I will leave you with this tidbit: I was talking to one of my coworkers and she told me about the time she was sitting on her boyfriends face, peed in his mouth (on accident), he swallowed it and said it tasted like beer. Okay, that's true love and totally fucked up. I don't think i am ever going to be able to look at them without cracking up.

SUNDAY PIC: Retarded Squirrel

2011-01-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

Win. I know people who type like this and it makes me want to punch puppies, or teach them remedial English.

Dim Sum, Lose Sum (TC 8.5)

2011-01-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

Another week, another devastating elimination on Top Chef. It's like all the rootable people are going first this season, but I digress.

QUICKFIRE: Make a dish faster than Tom Colicchio, which is almost impossible. Tom comes in and makes a dish (which looked incredible) in 8 minutes and 37 seconds. I can't even make toast in 8 minutes and 37 seconds. Further proof that i will never be a chef in any real capacity. Anyways all the chefs scramble to get ingredients and start cooking but that Wiley Everyone Hates Marcel went and grabbed the fish Tom used in his dish, therefore avoiding the pile-up at the fridge. 8 minutes and 37 seconds later everyone's dishes were finished. Pissed Off Asian Dale, Jamie and Russian Bride Angelo ended up in the bottom, and Douchebag Mike, Professor Blais and Everyone Hates Marcel in the top. Douchebag Mike won and got immunity and a new car. That's pretty damn good for a dish that took less time than most people take to shower.

ELIMINATION: This has to be the scariest elimination challenge i have ever seen. Work as a team to several several types of Dim Sum to locals in China Town during the lunch rush. OMG, I have never seen so many scary Asian people at one time. No wonder Dale is pissed off all the time. Anyways, Douchebag Mike does something I think is very gracious and offers to Expo since he has immunity. Jamie, who doesn't cook anything ever apparently, refuses to run the front of the house and Carla and Casey ultimately volunteer.

Then the chefs go to a market in Chinatown where no one speaks English, which was hilarious. Casey got chicken feet which i immediately knew was a mistake and disgusting.Italian Sausage Fabio got choked up when he saw that the market sold turtles for turtle soup, since apparently he has a pet turtle that is his princess. Okay, how fricking adorable is Fabio? I want to like marry him, or clone him, or just listen to him talk for hours on end. Then they were off to the Chinese restaurant where the chefs were super cramped in tiny spaces and didn't have normal cooking supplies. The oven wouldn't go up above 300 degrees and there was no regular stove-tops, just woks.

Then food never came out to the angry Chinese people waiting for food. It was a first class Clusterfuck. What little food did came out of the kitchen went straight to the judges and there were some really angry Asian people looking like they were going to start a bitch fight if they didn't get fed soon. The chefs just didn't have a sense of urgency about them, they were more worried about plating and styling. Dude, as a waitress i know one thing: It doesn't matter what it looks like as long as it tastes good. The chefs, however, forgot this vital ingredient and the judges were less than pleased. I seriously thought there wouldn't even be a winner and that they would all have to go to judges table for elimination.

But alas, I was wrong. Hootie-Ho Carla, Antonia, Jamie, Tre and Casey were called in for elimination. Antonia was spared because she made a fairly decent shrimp toast, but was knocked for doing a horrid green bean dish with Jamie. Jamie was also knocked for doing a scallop pot sticker/ravioli thing. Tre did this orange soup desert thing that essentially melted. Carla's spring rolls looked more appetizing than it was and Casey's chicken feet were cooked wrong, mostly by Antonia because Casey was off working the floor. In Fairness, I wanted Jamie gone but i understood why they kicked off Casey. Her chicken feet were left by 3/4th of the customers. Inedible tops sucky but can still be digested.

On the Top were Pissed Off Asian Dale, Italian Sausage Fabio, Other Tiffany, and Russian Bride Angelo. Fabio had the first top chef miracle when his short ribs came out perfect from an oven that didn't go over 300 degrees. The judges loved Dale's sticky rice, which an Asian losing an Asian challenge would just be wrong.

WINNER: Pissed Off Asian Dale

OUT: Casey

**Quotables**

"Some form of Chef's Tourette's"- Antonia

"We're going to go into Cardiac arrest if we have to cook at his speed"- Angelo

"I'm a 36DD if i didn't wear bras you would have been hurt in the quickfire today"- Bitchy Tiffany

"When I move to US I bought tutle, she's a little princess"- Fabio

TBR Challenge 2011

2011-01-05T17:41:00.002-05:00

So way back in 2009, I tried to do the To Be Read Challenge. Basically what you do is pick 12 books to read in a year. Reading 12 books in a year has never been a challenge for me before but in 2009 I was in grad school and once classes started in the fall I couldn't find the time to finish the last 2 books. But this year is going to be different. With no Grad School to get in my way, I should be able to finish well under time. So here is my list for 2011.

January- The Orchid Affair by Lauren Willing
February- Confessions of a Rebel Debutante by Anna Fields
March- She Went All the Way By Meg Cabot
April- Bulletproof Mascara by Bethany Maines
May- My Fair Lazy by Jen Lancaster
June- Are You There Vodka, Its me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
July- Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler
August- Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
September- Compact with the Devil by Bethany Maines
October- A Beautiful Blue Death by Charles Finch
November-Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris
December-Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

And my List of Alternates:

The September Society by Charles Finch
The Fleet Street Murders by Charles Finch
Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster
A Little Bit Wicked by Kristen Chenowith
Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley

If you feel compelled to sign up yourself, a complete set of rules and sign-up link can be found here

Chipmunk faces, Fictional Relationships and the Return of Meat Hole Guy

2011-01-04T19:42:00.002-05:00

So I'm gonna like Danaconda this post (meaning i'm going to just write random shit and hope it all flows together. If you don't read Dan's blog you should totes start, unless you know you don't like hearing about penis and housing it every 4 words.) because there is a lot of shit going on in my life right now but almost none of it goes together in any way.

First off, you should know i'm sick. In fact my whole family is sick. Baby sis has sounded like Baby Darth Vader for like 2 weeks now. I'm just waiting for her start choking my mom with her mind when she doesn't get her a bottle fast enough. We finally took baby sis to the doctors, apparently she has whooping cough. She's going to survive, it just going to suck to be her for like the next month.

Anyways i'm sick in my typical way. I have really bad allergies and sinus problems, so like once or twice a year i develop a sinus infection that ends up draining into my maxillary sinus. Lot of fancy words later: basically my right jaw is swollen and i look like a chipmunk harvesting for winter on one side of my face. Which is both hilarious and totally fucked up. I'm ready to hack off the right side of my face because of it. Otherwise I have been popping Ibuprofen like they are M&M's. And to be honest this is a great way to diet since i can't open my mouth wide enough to get in anything that isn't in puree form. I actually had to cut a cheeseburger and eat it with a fork.

And since I don't want to deprive my readers of any of the shenanigans going on in my life. You should know that i am somehow in two relationships at work that i don't know anything about. One of our cooks decided I am dating one of food runners/expo guys. Which would be all well and good if you know it was true, and i wasn't like way too hot for this guy. Apparently I met my future in-laws over Christmas, there are pictures and everything! According to the cook, the fictional in-laws really liked me, which is good cause i would hate to be unliked by these people. I'm betting I will be fictionally knocked up by Valentines days. Who wants to start picking out baby names?

My New Years was relatively quite. I worked till 11 o'clock and then rushed to a bar to ring in the New Year with two of my hot female coworkers, Jules and Beth (names have been changed to protect the innocent). The highlight of my night, besides watching New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys singing together was having this text exchange with Meathole Guy:

Meathole Guy: I want your pussy right now
Me: Aren't you in Michigan?
Meathole Guy: No, I've been drinking since 8
Me: Are you in Myrtle Beach?
Meathole Guy: I'm in east Lansing, Michigan

Sometimes i don't know what i am going to do with this boy. Happy New Years Bitches!

SUNDAY PIC: Year in Review (Part 2)

2011-01-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

So I wait for JibJab's Year in Review video every year. As soon as December hits I start checking the site like once a week. I always find them to be super entertaining. This year was no exception:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Serve and Spike (TC 8.4)

2010-12-30T00:26:00.001-05:00

Listen, I know i was a lazy fucker last week and didn't blog Top Chef, but it was Christmas and i had shopping to do and shit so like please forgive me and all that shit. I did, however, take notes about the show which ended with me screaming "NOOOOO" all pansy Luke Skywalker-style. But we shall get to that, it's just a little bit late

QUICKFIRE: The (gratuitious product placement challenge) Swanson Broth Quickfire to make stuffing with no knives or kitchen tools. Pots were obvi still allowed but not other things. The best part was Italian Sausage Fabio using a wire rack as cheese grater and Hootie-ho Carla using a pot to crush an onion. Anyways a lot of people made stuff that didn't look like stuffing. Carla, Bitchy Tiffany and Casey were in the bottom with Marcel and Tre in the top and Ta-da: Tre wins with Southwestern stuffing with bacon, cheddar and peppers.

ELIMINATION: And then out come tennis canisters with different colored balls. The chefs are divided into two teams (orange and yellow but really i thought those balls looked green) and people from each team would have to go head to head against each other for points at The US Open (hence the tennis balls). First team to 4 points would win and the 4 losing chefs from the other team would be up for elimination.

Teams tried to talk strategy and what they would cook. Carla wanted to make a vegetarian soup which Pissed off Asian Dale ditto think was classy enough, which signaled to me that she was going to win this challenge. Spike and Yellow team on the other hand decide that the Orange team is going to put Professor Blais up first and want to put up there worst dish first so that Orange would waste a point.

Here are the Match ups (Orange vs. Yellow, winner in bold):

Italian Sausage Fabio vs. Casey
Pissed off Asian Dale vs Bitchy Tiffany
Everyone Hates Marcel vs. Russian Bride Angelo
Antonia vs. Other Tiffany
Professor Blais vs. Sexy Fedora Spike
Hootie-Ho Carla vs. Tre

You will note that Jamie (yellow) and Douchebag Mike (orange) never had to go because the Orange team won. However, the yellow team determined that Jamie's dish was the worst from the get-go, because her chick-peas wouldn't cook or something but she flat-out refused to go first, second or any other time. She actually hid behind her cooking station to keep from going. On one hand its smart because you can't get sent home if they judges don't taste your food. On the other hand its totally fucked up to not cook for a cooking competition, and then to get attitude when the other contestants call you out on not cooking TWICE in the first 4 episodes of the show. When its all said and done, she got to stick around for another episode.

WINNER: Hootie-Ho Carla

OUT: Sexy Fedora Spike (which makes me totes sad)

**Quotables**

"Jedi Fucking Stuffing"- Bitchy Tiffany

"I'm gonna crush potato with my head"- Fabio

Year In Review (Part 1): Open Letter

2010-12-28T22:22:00.001-05:00

Dear 2010:

So long and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Seriously 2010, you fucking sucked ass. I don't think i have had a worse year in my life. I mean you set the bar super low for 2011 to be better. Hell, all it would need is like one good thing to happen for it to be infinitely better than you.

Lets just start at the beginning, kay? First, there was my speeding ticket. The first one i have ever gotten in my life, and the cop wasn't even cute and it was in goddamnspeedtrap of a town. I mean i could have gotten over it if i had least gotten a cute cops phone number out of it. But no, he was boring and didn't have any leniency that it was my first ticket ever, fucker!

Then there was getting rejected from all 6 of the PhD programs i applied to. Nothing says "its gonna be a crappy year" like watching your entire life's ambition go down the toilet. Do you have any idea how hard I fucking worked for that? I have still not gotten over this blow to my everything and have periodic crying fits about it. I hope your happy 2010 for screwing up my psyche for life.

But no, that wasn't enough- you had to make it worse. I couldn't find a fucking "real job" (sidenote: I am a waitress I do have a job, just not one that allows me to live above the poverty line) so i had to move back in with my parents. Do you know how depressing it is living with your parents at age 26? I didn't think so. Worse they live in a hellhole of a town that i have spent the better part of my life trying to get out of. I need daily doses of chocolate and wine to not run screaming into the night because this town sucks so hard.

I know you're just sitting there laughing with glee about all the misery you have inflicted on me this year 2010, but guess what- you are about to be fucking over. So while i have to continue with my life and all the mayhem you caused, you get to retire to some nice condo in Boca to live out your years with Long Island Ice Teas. But I assure you, one day 2010, I will find you and inflict all this misery back on you.

Fuck You,
Coyote Rose

SUNDAY PIC: Christmas Survivor 2010

2010-12-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, so its pretty well known that my family celebrates Christmas a little differently than other people. I mean between Christmas Survivor and the shit my stepdad does to us, I am surprised we are not all in a mental institution. Anyways, UNC-Sis and I talked mom out of video taping Christmas Survivor this year, but we couldn't talk her out of taking pictures or holding it at our grandparents house (I have never seen my grandmother laugh so hard). So in all their Glory, this years Christmas Survivor:

Challenge One: pull all the tissues out of a tissue box one at a time, using only one hand

Coyote Rose Vs. UNC-Sis

Lil Miss Sis

Challenge Two: Get four ping pong ball out of a tissue box strapped to your back by jumping


Best Picture Ever

Challenge Three: Bounce ping-pong balls off a table to get tic-tac-toe in water glasses on counter. This challenge was originally supposed to be "move an Oreo from your forehead to your mouth using only the muscles on your face" but UNC-Sis and I vetoed that.

Anyways, even though UNC-Sis stomped us all in Challenge Two, I triumphed in One and Three and took the coveted Christmas Survivor prize of a foot massager.

Santa: Creepy Fat Fucker

2010-12-21T12:49:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a few of my coworkers about Christmas and one of them, K*, was very upset that i never believed in Santa Claus. My family never had me believe in Santa, they did it a little with UNC-Sis and Lil' Miss Sis but Santa isn't really a big thing in my family. We believe in giving presents to loved ones and all that crap.

But it got me thinking.... what kind of fucking role model is Santa for children? I mean lets just run down the list of laws he is breaking:

Breaking and Entering- Lets start with the most obvious one. This creepy old man slides down your chimney under the pretense of leaving presents. How is this different from some creepy teenager sliding in your window to make a sandwich? I mean he is unlawfully entering your house and the only reason he gets away with it is because he leaving stuff instead of taking stuff. I would still tase his ass if i found him in my house.
Blackmail- Think about it. He tells children if they are good they get presents and if they are bad they get coal. Now if your a poor kid with a coal furnace, that coal might be useful. Otherwise, Santa is essentially blackmailing children into behaving under the pretense of getting "presents."
Kidnapping- I know this sounds funny but he keeps the elves held hostage and he doesn't let them leave. That is the very definition of kidnapping. I mean those poor elves probably haven't seen their families in years. I mean do they even have medical or dental there? Does Santa even feed them?
Slavery- The man is forcing elves to do work without pay. Enough said.
Child Labor Laws- I mean among the 100 other labor laws he is breaking (I mean do they even get bathroom breaks?), he is forcing children to do work without consent of their parents and they have to work more than 40 hours a week.

And this is supposed to be a good thing for our children? I mean we are basically glorifying a criminal, and Children are supposed to be excited about that? How fucked up are we?

Blog Swap: 2011: What I'm Not Going to Fuck Up Next Year

2010-12-20T10:51:00.002-05:00

So 20something Bloggers is doing a blog swap and I got matched up with Jen @ Life Spelled JEN (Don't forget to check out my post at her site!). Jen has amazing taste in shoes if i do say so myself. Anyways we both thought the prompt sucked for the swap, so we changed it to "2011: What I'm not going to fuck up next year." So I'm going to let her take it away:

Hi i'm Jen. i'm twenty-three, currently finishing my MBA and starting my life all over. back in September i made some radical changes, started a new career and moved out on my own. my blog is a fun adventure of the things i experience and the various loves i have: reading, taking photos, running and pretty much living my life. i recently opened an etsy shop with fabulous treasures i found along the way. i hope you can stop by and take a look and maybe even enter my giveaway!!

******************************************************************************************

In 2010 the biggest fucks up that occurred in my life were cause i didn't do something. i didn't speak up when i should have. i didn't leave when i should have. i didn't apologize when i should have. and biggest one of all...i didn't get my crap together as fast as i should have.

this new year i fully intend on doing everything possible to make sure that i don't screw up my relationship, do poorly in school and see my family. having a full time job and going to night classes until 9:00 PM three nights a week makes relaxing very difficult. i try to make time for myself, my boyfriend and everything else in my life but it normally doesn't go as planned.

i want to make sure that this year i won't fuck that up. i want to be less of a neurotic mess and just take a step back and enjoy myself. i'm always going a mile a minute and it can be so exhausting. i want to take it slow and roll with the punches.

basically what i don't want to fuck up this new year is my life. last year i screwed it up royally and it took me half the year to get myself together. i would prefer that not happening again.

what are you trying to not fuck up in 2011??

A Notorious Egg Slut (TC 8.3)

2010-12-16T23:22:00.001-05:00

Okay, so i know this blog is like way super late. I'm sorry, with Christmas and all the other assorted shit I've been doing (AKA sleeping) I just haven't gotten around to watching it. So I'm going to do something completely different this blog. I'm going to live blog it... well okay I'm going to blog it as i watch it on Tivo, which is like watching it live except 24hrs later and with a pause button. But it's exactly the same, Okay? Okay don'tcallmealazyass.

First up is the contestants talking about how Bat-shit Crazy Jen went. I mean it was an EPIC fallout. Then they bitch that Jamie is still here cause she cut her finger. Boo-fucking-hoo to both of them. They could have kicked them both off and I would have been fine with it.

QUICKFIRE: They split the teams into 4 groups of 4 for a Mis-En-Place relay race and then dish creation. First each member of the team must prep either garlic, lamb or artichokes. The Green team consisting of Italian Sausage Fabio, Russian Bride Angelo, Other Tiffany and Douchebag Mike stomp everyone else's asses and hit a clock that starts a 15 minute timer for everyone to finish their dishes. The Red and Blue teams finish shortly after but the White team (consisting of Marcel, Bitchy Tiffani, Pissed off Asian Dale and Hootie Ho Carla) takes forever and only has 8 minutes to cook.

The White team makes lamb carpaccio because that means they can use raw lamb as does the red team (Happy Gay Dale, Hurt Finger Jamie, Antonia and Casey). The Blue team (Professor Blais, Sexy Fedora Spike, Tre and Stephen the Sommelier) makes a lamb chop with crispy artichokes. The Green team makes a lamb chop with garlic and yogurt. The Blue teams wins and each member gets to take home five thousand dollars but no immunity.

ELIMINATION: Each group with dine at a new york restaurant and then create a dish for that restaurant.

Green picks Ma Peche which is the Guest Judge David Chang's Restaurant (Eclectic Asian food)
Red gets Townhouse by David Burke (modern American Food)
Blue gets Marea by Micheal White (Italian)
White gets Wd-50 which is Wylie Dufresne's restaurant (molecular gastronomy/french-ish)

But the team members will be working against each other and two people will be going home. Italian Sausage Fabio is already upset because he has to cook French and Vietnamese food, which is so out of his Italian comfort zone. So the Green team goes to eat and Russian Bride Angelo doesn't STFU and other Tiffany wants to bitch slap him, and honeslty I can't blame her. Angelo kinda likes to hear the sound of his own voice. Stephen the Sommelier has the same can't STFU problem. What is with mouthy chefs? You're paid to cook, not sound pretty. Everyone Hates Marcel is blown away by the food at WD-50. You can tell he looks up to Wylie Dufresne and its kinda cute on Marcel (granted i just think Marcel is cute). But Carla is intimidated cause its so not her style of food. Hootie-Hoo, Carla and you'll be just fine.The red team seems to have the most out-of-body (or maybe out-of-food experience) at Townhouse when their cocktails come out with dead fish in them. The food looks like Dr. Suess took a cooking class and then went to town. I mean this food looks like the cracked out version of Green Eggs and Ham.

Then they are off and cooking. Marea and the blue team are up first: Tre makes Swordfish, Sexy Fedora Spike makes seared Branzino (which is apparently a Seabass- yes I had to google that, getoffme), Professor Blais makes a crudo of Spanish Mackerel, and Stephen the Sommelier makes Salmon with figs. None of this seems particularly Italian to me. I mean where is the pasta? but then I'm not a chef or Italian so wtf do i know anyways?

Ma Peche and the Green team are the second to go. I can't understand half the shit that is coming out of Fabio's mouth right now; its something about an Asian grandma and making pasta. Dude, i need captions for him some days. Fabio made roasted lamb with BBQ sauce, Other Tiffany made a crudo of summer flounder, Douchebag Mike made sockeye salmon, and Angelo made turmeric marinated fish with shit and white chocolate. White chocolate and fish? OMG seriously i think i need to vomit thinking about that but the Judges seem to really like it.

Red team and Townhouse are third, and apparently Happy Gay Dale needs reassurance from Casey that his food is good, but he's taking the kitchen sink approach to cooking and throwing everything in. Dale made a roasted veal loin with peanuts, popcorn and French toast. Yes, i would consider that kitchen sink cooking. Antonia made a pea puree and a carrot puree with scallops, however, it kinda looked like baby food with scallops thrown on top of it. Casey made a coconut halibut "scallop" with tapioca. Jamie made smoked tomato and bacon soup with a salad. Jamie's food looked the most normal but at Townhouse that could be a problem.

White and Wd-50 are last on deck. Pissed-off Asian Dale makes a sunny-side up egg dumpling with braised pork belly. Bitchy Tiffani makes three types heirloom melons with powdered ham and cheese. WTF, i don't even understand the idea of that dish. Carla makes a southern favorite of Shrimp and Grits (btw, biggest seller at the restaurant i work at) with poached shrimp. Everyone Hates Marcel makes Vadouvan Lamb with Tzatziki sauce.

Russian Bride Angelo, Pissed-off Asian Dale, Tre and Antonia are in the top and Stephen, Bitchy Tiffany, Fabio and Happy Gay Dale are in the bottom. This makes me sad because I love Italian Sausage Fabio, even though I only understand half of what he says, and Happy Gay Dale.

WINNER: Pissed-Off Asian Dale and he gets a 6 night trip of New Zealand. Color me Jealous!

OUT: Stephen and Happy Gay Dale.

**Quotables**

"It doesn't look like curry, it looks like popcorn butter, so i'm going to make popcorn with it"- Happy Gay Dale

"It tastes like a head shop"- Anthony Bourdain on Stephen's food.

"Were you aware that Wylie Dufresne is a notorious egg slut?"- Anthony Bourdain

"I have great knowledge of Led Zepplin, doesn't make me Jimmy Page."- Tom

SUNDAY VID: Go Elf Yourself

2010-12-12T00:42:00.001-05:00

My mom made this the other day and then we all promptly cracked up at it. Baby sis face is just too perfect. She looks like she could be an elf. For the record: this is me, my mom, Lil' Miss Sis, UNC-Sis and Baby sis

Oh, Wow (TC 8.2)

2010-12-09T14:22:00.001-05:00

"Oh, Wow" - Bitchy Tiffany

That sums up my thoughts on this episode perfectly. Its the second episodes of Top Chef All-Stars and the shit has already hit the fan. I mean i knew this season was gonna be great and drama filled, but i didn't expect the gloves to come out so early.

So after some discussion of last weeks challenge and a collective sigh of relief that they were not the first person eliminated, the Chefs find Joe Jonas of squeally Jonas Brothers fame arriving in their kitchen. My first thought was "ewwww Jonas brother" but that was quickly wiped away when Pissed-off Asian Dale thought he was a pastry chef.

QUICKFIRE: Create a midnight snack for children staying the night at the Natural History Museum, there would be no plates or utensils though.

The Chefs all ran around like chickens with their heads cut off and Pissed-off Asian Dale took all the sugar from the cabinet so everyone had to search for it. Ultimately in the bottom was:

Other Tiffany- who made some coconut ride pudding balls with applesause (EDIT: apparently it was grapefruit sauce- even worse). That looked unappealing even over the tv screen. It was just so bland looking. Put some color in there!
Douchebag Mike- who made a chocolate coconut corn bar. It looked like cow poop that rolled downhill into some corn.
Stephen the Sommelier- who made a snickerdoodle with mint, white chocolate and apricot. Stephen just doesn't cook for kids, his palette is too high brow for that. Kids don't like mint.

On the flipside was Bitchy Tiffany- who made a chocolate rice krispie snowball thing. I wanted to reach through the tv screen and steal one. I have a serious chocolate addiction. Sexy Fedora Spike was also in the top for potato and carrot chips with a marshmallow and marscapone dipping sauce. But instead of picking a winner the Jonas Brother told the contestants that the kids at the Natural History Museum would choose. So the chefs divided into two teams (Marcel and Spike together- totally sexy) to make a 150 servings of Bitchy Tiffany and Sexy Spike's dishes. Then they took them to the museum where in a shock to no one, Bitchy Tiffanys chocolate rice krispie snowball won, because all kids love a sugar high.

ELIMINATION: Then Tom comes in and tells the Chefs that their elimination challenge starts now. They will stay in the two teams they are in and create breakfast for the kids staying the night in the Natural History Museum and their parents. But the two teams will either have to use the diet of the T-Rex (meats, cheese, dairy only) or the Brontosaurus (Fruits, Grains, Veggies only). Because Tiffany won she got to choose which her team would cook and she went T-Rex. Now at the time this seemed like a no brainer. I mean all kids love eggs, bacon and sausage, whereas the Bronts only have like pancakes (which i forgot you can't make pancakes without eggs and milk).

Anyways, the chefs had to sleep at the Museum and Stephen the Sommelier whined because he's used to like an actual bed and real accommodations. That boy needs to live a little and like go camping or something. Get Dirty Boy. Anyways, the two teams come up with game plans and then all the girls go to bed while all the boys grab flashlights and go search the museum. I'm sorry, those girls are so boring. I would have totally been grabbing a flashlight and going to search the museum. I mean doesn't every little kid want to be locked in a museum overnight?

Then the challenge begins at 4 am, which sucks because 4 am is only a good time for sex, hangovers and sleeping. Then Jamie slices her hand open and has to go get stitches (boo-fricken-hoo). The T-rex team realizes they are in real trouble because they have no spices, herbs or anything else to really flavor their meat and eggs. The judges and kids come in and eat and have a delightful conversation about how kids don't like vegetables. I dunno about everyone else i was happy to see Katie Lee (formerly-Joel), the host for the first season, back as a judge. I was happy for two reasons: 1. because its nice to see the show acknowledging her existence and flashbacks to season one and 2. because it reminded me how glad i am that Padma now hosts the show. Katie Lee was always so boring and monotone.

Anyways, it seems a no brainier than team Bronto was the winner even though they had those yucky vegetables. The judges seemed to like Sexy Fedora Spike and Hootie-hoo Carla's V9 Gazpacho even though it was a little too spicy for the kids. They raved over Italian Sausage Fabio and Stephen the Sommelier's Gnocchi with Spinach, leeks and mushrooms and Everyone Hates Marcel, Professor Blais and Russian Bride Angelo banana parfait with roasted berries.

On the flip side, team T-Rex seemed a little surprised that they lost and they seemed very mad that they didn't have anything besides meats, eggs and dairy. I don't know what they missed because it seemed perfectly clear to me when Tom explained the challenge. But then Jen lost her mother fucking mind. She yelled at the judges, she argued and basically she came off as a complete bitch. I mean no one likes to be criticized and i get that, but that is the point of the show. I mean the judges just do their job and not knowing your dish is bad is worse than admitting to your mistakes.

WINNER: Angelo, Marcel and Blais

OUT: Jen

**Quoteables**

"Basically I'm making Crack for Small Children"- Nice Dale

"In Italy, a midnight snack is a roasted chicken with some pasta"- Italian Sausage Fabio

"I'm giving a Ritz cracker Hand Job"- Nice Dale (while helping make Bitchy Tiffany's snowballs)

Behind the Velvet Rope

2010-12-07T11:03:00.000-05:00

I was out Sunday night with some of my coworkers, our job was hosting roller skating from 10-12 and being of the young goofy category we couldn't pass it up.

So we were driving down to the rink (which was in the boondocks) and of course the topics turned to such things as Four Loko, drug use and sex. Two of my coworkers were going on and on about the number of people they have slept with and what they have done in bed and i just stayed silent. One person admitted to sleeping with upwards of 40 people and the other person was around the same number.

Now 40 people isn't a flabbergasting number, I know a guy whose claimed to sleep with a 100 chicks. But the way these two people were talking about how many people they slept with and bragging about it and acting like they had done everything.

I've pretty much done all the same shit they have done in bed (and then some probably) but i've only slept with 4 people. Yep, 4 people in my entire 26 years on the planet (and i was the oldest person in the car) and I'm probably just as proud of that as those two were proud of their 40 people.

I look at it this way: I'm a exclusive club. It takes nothing short of a miracle to sleep with me. No drunken idiot at a bar can just take me home. I have standards and class (well somedays) and most days I'm a complete bitch.

Plus my track record is marginally impressive. Of the four guys i have slept with: 3 have a college degree, 2 of them have masters degrees (or are working on them), 2 of them are teachers, 1 owns his own house (same guy also owns a motorcycle which is wicked hot).

I'm not saying this to make anyone feel badly about how many people they have slept with. I really don't give a shit how many people someone has slept with (unless that person is sleeping with me) and i don't think badly of people who have higher numbers. I'm just saying that sleeping with 40 people doesn't make you better in bed and sleeping with 4 doesn't make you worse.

SUNDAY VID: So You Want to Close Your Facebook Account

2010-12-05T11:12:00.001-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook. But sometimes with certain users i want to reach through the computer and ring their necks. If i get one more Farmville request...

**Vid made by Dwkazzie