Monday, September 8, 2014

SMM: Unsupervised Children and their Stalkers

previously on Sailor Moon, We learned that magical umbrella's can catch your fall

Episode 5: Sailor Jupiter


We open with a really pretty umbrella. I'm a little jealous the Japanese always seem to have really decorative umbrella where as the best I can find is a polka dot one. Under the umbrella a tall red-headed girl is complainig about rain. Cut to Usagi yawning and Luna chiding her for not being very observant. Lets be honest Luna, Usagi is the most clueless non-observant character on the show.  Usagi then makes fun of Luna for getting fat, because she's a cat and that is the only thing you can hurt a cat with is her weight. Of course, Usagi not being observant steps right out into the street in front of a speeding car. Luckily our tall-red head girl is there to push her out of the way otherwise this would be the shortest series in Japanese anime history.


We get a close up on the girl's earrings and they are pink roses. This is a girl after my own heart. The girl chides Usagi to be more careful, picks up her umbrella and walks off like the badass she is. All Usagi can say is "she smelled really nice." Really? She saves your life and this is the best you can come up with?

~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

 Back in Queen Beryl's chambers she is lamenting that they still haven't found the Legendary Silver Crystal and those meddlesome Sailor Scouts and their cat have been getting in her way. I'm pretty sure there is a Scooby Doo reference to be mad her but I've had a long weekend and can't find the right words. Nephrite asks to redeem himself and says they he will uses the human's greatest weakness, love, to harness their energies for their dark queen.

Back at school, Usagi is oohing over Naru's picture of her in a wedding dress. Apparently Naru's cousin is getting married but couldn't make the fitting so Naru stepped in. I have to call busllshit on this:
  1. 1. how does the bride miss her own dress fitting? This is like the most important part of a wedding. You cannot miss the dress fitting.

  2. 2. This is commonly used trope in tv and movies that the brides misses the fitting a freind/family member/boyfriend-stealing hussy steps in. But has this ever happened in real life? No two people would be close enough in size for this. Leave me a comment if you know anytime this has actually happened in real life.
Moving on, this set-up this weekend story of a bridal shop with a ghost bride that steals all the grooms away.  While Usagi and her friend go one and one about getting married and wearing a wedding dress, we see the tall red-head girl in the background.  Usagi accidentally bumps into her and the red-head tells her to be careful again. While Usagi and her friend watch on some random teacher (who is a foot shorter than the girl) questions why she isn't in the school uniform and being the badass she is the girl tells the teacher to STFU.

We are informed she is the new transfer student in class 6 with superhuman strength that apparently got kicked out of her old school for getting into a fight. So basically she is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


Later on we see the red-head girl trying to eat lunch but is tired of people staring at her and whispering being her back so she goes outside to eat lunch alone. Girl I am with you on that. Those people are being completely rude. Usagi skips her way outside getting ready to chow down when she sees the red-head girl with a pretty lunch box. Going into stalker mode, Usagi manages to sneak up behind the girl in the least convincing way possible and sees that red-head girl has a beautifully designed lunch. Seriously, the Japanese make their lunch look so fancy and I'm over here eating badly made PB&Js.

Not being able to control herself, Usagi shoots out how yummy the red-heads lunch looks and then a baseball comes flying at her face. Of course the red-headed girl catches it with one hand, making my hand her just watching the scene. Girl has some quick reflexes. She then throws the baseball back at lightening speed and yells at them to be more careful. This scene just makes me want to sign this character to an MLB contract. There has to be some team that needs an arm like that.

The red-head tells Usagi she shouldn't space out so much and tries to eat her lunch but Usagi is all "that looks delicious" like a poor puppy who hasn't been fed in a week and the red-head ends up offering her some. Usagi goes on about how delicious it is and then the red-head tells her its easy to make, leading Usagi into a tailspin that people can cook this well and for themselves. The more the two girls talk the more Usagi is totally girl-crushing on the red-head telling her how amazing she is and that her rose earrings are lovely.

The red head admits she is new in town and living by herself, which WTF Japan? This girl is in middle school and living by herself. Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? Who rented a 13 year old an apartment to live in by herself? (before you go, In the Manga!! I'm aware of the backstory. I just think its implausible and she would have to have a guardian) The redhead goes on to say that everyone in town is scared of her and won't talk to her. Usagi laughs and asks why people would be scared of a lovely girl like her and the red-head's face says it all.

Clearly the red-head has been a social outcast for most of her life because she's freakishly tall and a badass. So Usagi being nice to her is like the best thing that has ever happened. The red-head then asks where an arcade is and they are speaking Usagi's language now.

Cut to Ami walking into the arcade to find Usagi and the redhead playing the Sailor V video game. The red-head has obviously been in several fights as she has battle skills. Usagi introduces the girl to Ami and we finally get a name for the red-head, Makoto. I've actually been waiting for a name the whole episode because in the older American version she was called Lita.

About this time Motoki- the cute arcade attendant shows up saying how Usagi has all the cute friends and I immediately think Pedophile alert as he looks to be at least five years older than them.  Makoto has flashbacks to a blond-hair guy who kind of looks like Motoki who she calls senpai and abruptly looses the video game and gets all flustered.

Motoki brings up the weird zombie bridal shop and the three girls go over there to look. Makoto falls in love with a wedding dress in the window and the three girls talk about their dream wedding dresses. Makoto says she would wear whatever dress her husband likes best and I have to throw a- 

If I had wore what my husband liked to our wedding I would have gotten married in a white lace thong and bra set. Seriously, most men can't tell the difference between pumps and slingbacks. Don't let them make your style decisions.

Moving on, the girls hear some random women talking about the ghost bride that walks around and seduces women. So the three girls go to Rei's temple to tell her about it. Rei has this weird flash on Makoto. Makoto walks around aimlessly while Ami, Rei and Usagi talk about the ghost bride giving Luna the chance to inspect Makoto like the weird know-it-all-stalker cat she is. Rei and Luna have their weird know-it-all powwow about how they will see Makoto again soon as she leaves the temple. 

Time jump: it is now the middle of the night and the creepy ghost zombie bride is coming alone. Even though its late at night Motoki is closing up the arcade and the zombie bride comes for him and tells him to be her slave with her creepy glowy eyes.  Cut to Makoto walking home even though it late at night and she is all of 13 and shouldn't be out by herself. Zombie Motoki comes up to her and tell her he loves her and transfixes her with his evil glowy stare.

Plot Convenience Alert: who happens to just-so-happen to be walking by when this is going on? Mamoru, because of course he is. He sees the evil green energy coming off zombie Motoki and  immediately knows what is going on.

After the commercial break, we find Usagi running in her dream. She wakes up to find Tuxedo Mask helping her out the window. She thinks she's dreaming and I think this is proof she has the worst cover ever. He's already figured out who Sailor Moon is. If this was Spider-man, Mary Jane Watson would be dead already.  Moving on, he takes her to where Motoki and Makoto are having all their energy zapped out of them. 


At least this wakes up Luna and the cat is smart enough to alert Ami and Rei. Somehow all three girls manage to get to the bridal shop at the same time even though Usagi had a good 3 minute head start.  Once there the ghost bride is draining everyone of their energy and the three girls are smart enough to know whats up and we get CGI transformation time,

Sailor Moon is all hell-no you don't get to use people's love against them and the ghost bride throws rose petals at them? Mars manages to do her fire thing and make the roses disappear. About this time Nephrite shows up and calls them all pathetic and easily fooled by appearances.

And now we conveniently cut to a flashback of Makoto being in love with some older boy who blows her off for his girlfriend. Makoto is crushed and decided to leave town and go to a different school because a boy blew her off. I'm sorry if I got to move everytime a boy didn't like me back I would still be moving around. Anyways this causes Makoto to go into a downward spiral of no one understanding her and no one loving her and being alone. I'm pretty sure every 13 year old girl has felt that way once but at least Makoto has legit reasons for feeling that way.

Sailor Moon talks her down from the ledge like every good friend does until nephrite cuts her off an uses the ghost bride to attack the three girls. Makoto gets all-hell- no and starts throwing people around with her superhuman strength. Then out of nowhere, because the cat fucking knows everything, Luna throws her a pen. Somehow Makoto knows exactly what to do and is not freaking out about the talking cat and transforms into Sailor Jupiter.  More CGI transformations but the lightening does look amazingly cool.


Nephrite can't believe his amazingly bad luck. I have to say there would be less sailor guardians if the four pretty boys of the apocalypse would stop causing trouble. Jupiter attacks with her own flower petals and Nephrite has a weird deja vu feeling with Jupiter (I will leave the speculation to you guys). Jupiter then whips out her tiara antenna and lighting blasts everyone away in a bad-ass bitch kind of way.

All the zombie people wake up and we see Tuxedo mask run off the roof while Luna questions his motives. Jupiter than explains that she wanted to move because of her broken heart but also because the wind told her too. I kind of wish the wind would tell me what to do with my life. 

Luna then whips out a new wand, which really where does the cat carry all this shit? She doesn't have enough fur to hide it all and its not convenient to hided it all in that video game machine. Luna slides the wand over to Sailor moon and dubs her the leader and all I can think is why? Usagi is clearly not the person you would want to be in charge of a crime fighting unit. She should be in charge of a cake finding unit.  Luna tells her its her job to protect the princess they haven't found yet and the silver crystal they also haven't found yet. Should be easy to protect if you don't know where they are in the first place.

Only two Legendary Silver Crystal mentions and Usagi didn't even cry once this episode! 

Next time we get some background on iMac's biggest question: what the fuck is up with Tuxedo Mask and his stalking? 
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