Monday, September 29, 2014

SMM: Clark Kent's Glasses Are A Better Disguise


Episode 6: Tuxedo Mask


We open with Sailor Moon looking at her awesome new Moon Stick.

~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

We see a sequence of the princess on the balcony  with a legion of men in suites with swords and shields storming the castle below. We see the princess scream "Legendary Silver Crystal" and then we see Mamoru wake up and look at his pocket watch. Do people still wear pocket watches besides Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory?

Mamoru says he heard someone calling to him in his dreams and opens the window to his apartment and see the outline of the princess flashing before him. He wonders who she is and what the Legendary Silver Crystal is.
I'm assuming the same morning, we cut to Usagi running up to Ami and Makoto on the street corner to walk to school. They congratulate her on one being late for a change and even I have to give her a plus +2 for that. Usagi says she has been having bad dreams a lot which keep waking her up earlier.

We then flashback to the same dream sequence Mamoru was having except Usagi sees a knight trying to save her. She then rounds the corner and runs right into Mamoru because of course she does. This anime is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop and it amazes me that iMac still hasn't put together what is going on. He watches anime's way more complicated than this one.

Usagi cries and then yells at Mamoru, who tells her that she should be more careful and calls her bun-head. It's still not the same as being called meatball head. Mamoru tries to help her up but being a stubborn 13 year old Usagi brushes him off and gets up herself. Then she gets all flustered because girl you like him and we all know it. Mamoru walks off an Makoto asks who he is. Usagi says she doesn't know but she bumps into him a lot. Makoto notices Usagi blushing and immediately starts teasing her.

Ami then notices Mamoru's outfit comes from a very elite private high school and asks if Usagi knows his name.

Usagi replies that he is Mamoru Chiba and a real jerk, because when you are 13 and you like a guy they are all real jerks to you. Makoto teases Usagi some more and I like Makoto because as least she calls it as she sees it.

Ami then notices the TV screen (in the middle of a walkway in town??) talking about Tuxedo Mask who claims to be committing the recent wave of crimes in order to obtain the Legendary Silver Crystal. The real star of this scene is a cutaway to Usagi's mom using a cat toy to play with Luna back at the house, because even though she is a talking cat with her own computer system and magically bag of tools, she cannot escape playing with a feather on a pole.
Moving on to school, the chatter is all about Tuxedo mask and the Legendary Silver Crystal. The thing is they all keep talking about the Crystal being an incredible treasure but no one knows what the fuck it is. Proof that a little mystery is the only thing needed to make something famous.

We cut away from the chatter of teenager girls to see Tuxedo Mask standing on a rooftop looking glum saying this way he can gather information and the crystal will be his mwahahahahaha

Cut to Queen Beryl watching the news from her crystal ball. Zoisite and Kunzite chuckling to themselves about how it will be interesting watching the Sailor Scouts, Tuxedo Mask and the humans all fight over the Crystal. Beryl says no, that Crystal belongs to the dark kingdom and how they have failed to gather enough energy for their dark ruler. Nephrite begs for another chance by Zoisite says to leave everything to him and his epic golden flowing hair.

That night the Sailor Scouts and Luna are holding a meeting in the arcade after dark. I'm sorry, how exactly did they get in there when its closed? I hardly think the owner gave Luna a key so she can have her secret covert meetings. Luna is concerned about what Tuxedo Mask is doing and doesn't want to think he is the enemy. Makoto asks who the real enemy is and Luna says she has been doing research and has some ideas. She tells them that the Crystal has the power to destroy whole planets. So basically its the Death Star in shiny wearable form. Luna then drops the bombshell that she was sent from the moon. So basically Luna is an alien cat, which explains her ability to pull giant wands out of thin air.

Usagi then hallucinates that the Sailor V game was talking to her and that is the least weird thing going on in this episode. Sailor Moon than asks about Sailor V and the team wonders if she is one of them... Cue Foreshadowing.

At the TV station they are talking about the Crystal and what it is. They cut to a "doctor who specializes in researching the Crystal" and its clearly Zoisite and his epic golden locks dressed as a woman. He uses the tv broadcast to transfix all the people watching into helping him find the Crystal and zapping the energy out of them at the same time.

Usagi goes home to find her mother clearing out her closets looking for the Crystal and I have to wonder, since none of these people even know what the Crystal looks like, how would they know when they found it?

Luna then talks through her computer to Ami, who is standing in broad daylight (even though it was night 5 seconds ago) saying things are getting pretty crazy with a rush of people are breaking into building looking for the Crystal that they wouldn't recognize if they found. Luna says to regroup at the arcade. When they get to the arcade it is night again. Does time change in Japan more frequently than it does for the rest of the world?

Anyways Luna then does a special code on the video game machines and a giant underground batcave opens up under the arcade machines. When did Luna have time to do all this and who took orders from a talking cat to get it done?


As they rush down the stairs one of the Sailor Scouts sums up what I am thinking perfectly, "are you kidding me?" Luna says the energy is being concentrated at one spot, the TV station. Luna thinks Tuxedo Mask is doing it and and Usagi freaks out because NOT HER SECRET CRUSH!! Luna tells Usagi to clam down, which is a bad thing to say to a woman of any age, she then says Tuxedo Mask might be tricking her and Usagi runs out like the hormonal 13 year old girl she is.

Usagi runs through the street trying to figure out if Tuxedo mask is her friend or enemy while the Sailor Scouts actually get to work bringing down Zoisite. And its CGI Transformation time!

While her team is actually doing work, Usagi gets all weak and tired probably from all the running and meetings and not eating dinner.  She starts to pass out when Tuxedo mask catches her like the good stalker he is. She wakes back up and Tuxedo Mask apologizes for causing all the chaos. He says he didn't mean for this to happen he just really wanted that Crystal but he doesn't have any bad-ass super powers like the Sailor Scouts. Usagi says she doesn't have any powers either but bitch please, we saw your super sonic cry in the first episode.

The Sailor Scouts are having no luck against Zoisite, who vanquishes them pretty freaking easily. Queen Beryl comes down from the sky to gloat and I just can't help thinking how much Queen Beryl would be the perfect outfit for a drag queen. Luna and the Scouts are all "Sailor Moon where are you??"

Just this time Tuxedo Mask tells Usagi that she'd better transform and help her friends and she's all "WHAT WHAT WHAT you know who I am?!?"

Bitch please, everyone on the show knows who you are except maybe your mother. Your disguise is more pitiful than Clark Kent's glasses. I mean if you wanted to hide yourself better you could start by changing your hair, because no one else wears it like that. Usagi gets all "woe is me" saying that she doesn't have any skills and then Tuxedo Mask pulls out the biggest sappy power- "you have a special power to make people smile." Are you kidding me? Thats as bad as being heart on Captain Planet. There is a reason they call "Heart, not it" over on Snark Squad. 

Usagi suddenly feels stronger and then transforms. Apparently CGI transformations also gives Sailor Moon the ability to jump all the way across town on onto the roof of a TV Station. That's one powerful jump.

Queen Beryl tells her to bow before her power and Sailor Moon is all "nah, bitch I think not." She breaks out "Moon Healing Escalation," which I hope sounds cooler in Japanese because it makes me think its better suited for a hospital than vanquishing foes. Anyways Zoisite gets all blasted and Queen Beryl picks up he-of-the-pretty-hair and disappears back to the nether regions. Sailor Moon heals all the transfixed people before passing out again. This girl passes out more than anyone I know. Luckily, Tuxedo Mask is there to catch her as she falls again, He creepily kisses a passed out girl again and if I was Sailor Moon I would be taking out a restraining order.

As Tuxedo Mask carries Sailor Moon home, we get our first glimpse of Sailor V and we know its the real Sailor V because its Artemis with her (looking all smug with his cat self)!!

Usagi has the dream again about the knight coming to save her and wakes up in a weird bed. She sees Mamoru's pocketwatch of the moon and I'm just wondering how she switched out of her Sailor uniform? Did Mamoru change her out of it while she was passed out, because that's creepy as shit. Also did nobody worry where Usagi was when she didn't come home the night before and none of her friends had heard from here? These are literally the worst family/friends ever.

She wonders whose watch it is and wonder if it's Tuxedo Masks when Mamoru notices she's awake from the doorway where he is creeping again. It's only then does Usagi realize that Tuxedo Mask and Mamoru look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!!


And then the episode ends and I get sad that I still have to wait for Episode 8 before I get my Sailor V!!



#Crystal Count: 19 (which means they said the words Legendary Silver Crystal once every 1.57 seconds)
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