Monday, August 18, 2014

SMM: Mary Poppins Bullshit

previously on Sailor Moon, we learned that beautiful people just don't commit murder

Episode 4- Masquerade Dance Party


We open with Luna being the internet's favorite cat and using her computer skills to do research on the Sailor Guardians. My favorite part of the opening is that it clearly labels Rei as an Aries, because Rei is so an Aries. Also, apparently Luna keeps really good records as it even has all of their blood types.  She then brings up Mamoru and labels him suspicious. This cat has good instincts on people because she has clearly figured out he is Tuxedo mask even though no one else has.


~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

Luna is waking up Usagi again as this girl is perpetually late to everything all the times. Luna could not possibly be rolling her eyes any harder. We cut downstairs to Usagi's mother reading the paper and saying how great Sailor Moon is to Usagi. Then her mother flips the page and we see a picture of a legendary treasure exhibit. This people is called foreshadowing 101.

Usagi makes her way to school and notices that there are noticeably more police officers out than normal. She tried to convince Luna to let her transform into a marathon runner so that he won't be late to school.  Luna tell her no and then we get a Luna voice-over recapping who Sailor Moon is. Finally, Usagi gets to school and her classmates tell her about the Princess of D being in town with her legendary secret treasure. Of course Luna goes to school with Usagi so she overhears all of this. I'm sorry how does no one notice a cat going into a school building? Or the cat walking with Usagi down the street? No cat I have ever met would do these things.

Later we see Rei telling Ami how smart and brilliant she is and how Rei has never been to an arcade before. Well obviously, arcades stopped existing in 2001 so of course she has never been to one. Ami tell Rei that she had never been to one before Usagi dragged her there either.  Then we get more voice-over narrative from Luna about who these two girls are.I have to wonder, we are on episode 4 is a recap of the last three episodes necessary? Is it because they are showing episodes 2 weeks apart and think people forget that quickly? 

Rei asks where Usagi is and Luna tells them that she got detention for sleeping in class. Surprise, surprise. Ami then teaches Rei how to play video games and its apparent that Rei is uncomfortable with being friends with people. Usagi shows up and Luna proceeds to have a meeting right there in the middle of an arcade
 where anyone can walk in on them at any time. You know I think I need to start counting all the times we have unnecessary cat talking in public.

Clearly not enough high-fives in Rei's world
They ask who the Youma are and Luna says she is not sure but that they must protect the princess as they are her guardians. But of course they have no idea who the princess is because Luna says her power is sealed away so her enemies can't find her. They have to protect her because she has the Legendary Silver Crystal that is the all-powerful Macguffin that will destroy the world. Luna says the guardians are the key to finding the princess and the crystal because once all the guardians are awakened they will know who the princess is. You know for some reason I don't think its going to be that simple.

We then cut away to see Usagi playing video games not listening to any of this. This is the 14 year old girl I expect. Luna then jumps on her head and starts yelling at her to pay attention. We got more of the Princess of D and her legendary treasure backstory and that she is throwing a dinner party tonight. Usagi says she wants to go to the party and Rei in her creepy fortune-teller says that's a bad idea. 


Over at Queen Beryl's camp we get to see Jadeite being teased by the other kings of the dark kingdom (Now known as the the four pretty boys of the apocalypse) for losing out to a pack of girls. Queen Beryl then goes on about rising their great ruler and evil running the world.

Usagi comes home from hanging out the arcade and we see a man in a Tuxedo. I am going to assume this is her father we have never seen before and I have to wonder how this guy with dark black hair and Usagi's mother with purple hair managed to have such a blonde child.  Daddy says that he is going to the dinner party tonight to get an interview for the magazine he works for.

Usagi then decides she is going to the party and uses her magic pen to transform into a princess as Luna makes "what what what" faces.We then see Usagi, Rei and Ami in party dresses heading for the ball and trying to figure out how they will get in. This seems to not be a problem as this party has the worst security ever and the three girls just waltz right in. This Princess of D must not be particularly concerned for her safety as the guards toss out the cat but let three girls without invitations right on in. 


The three girls all say they must find the princess, but Usagi, of course, runs off to be a 14 year old girl and dance the night away. Usagi klutzly knocks into someone and gets her dress as wet and runs off to dry it. Tuxedo Mask sees her and follows her out to ask her to dance. I love that these two see each other all the time and yet both are too dense to realize who the other is. They dance and Usagi gets all girly and emotional because she's 13 and has no idea what butterflies in your stomach are like. Luna then says something and Tuxedo Mask runs off. Luna and Usagi then have a completely inappropriate conversation on the middle of the dance floor when everyone is staring at them. Seriously, these two do not know how to be low-key about the talking cat shit.

Back upstairs, Ami and Rei are actually doing their jobs and protecting the princess from Nephrite who attacks the princess with a Youma. CGI Transformation time! 

The princess of D then runs through the ballroom and transforms the ballroom into a energy-zapping lifevoid. Luna and Usagi run out of the room where Usagi grabs hold of the princess to get her to calm down manages to get knocked off the balcony. Tuxedo Mask catches her arm just in time, showing how much of a dreamboat he is to save the girl. His fingers slip though and they both go falling off the balcony until Luna yells at Usagi to use her pen and it turns into.... an umbrella??? 


This is supposed to help them gently land? Are you kidding me? This is some Mary Poppins Bullshit right there. No umbrella is helping you land from falling off a balcony. Tuxedo Mask thanks her and then runs off again and Luna reminds her that she has work to do since she is supposed to be this bad-ass superhero and stuff. 

During Sailor Moon's transformation we remember that her Tiara got burned up in the last episode and somehow Tuxedo Mask's hand-holding has created Sailor Moon a new, better Tiara? This shit seriously makes no sense. 


Sailor Moon runs over to help Mercury and Mars take down Nephrite but none of their normal tricks work. Tuxedo masks yells down that the only thing that can defeat Nephrite is powerful light and this somehow means that sailor Moon needs to reflect the moonlight from her Tiara towards Nephrite. This shit gets more WTF as it goes on but YAY the Princess of D is saved. 

We then see the four pretty boys of the Apocalypse standing on the rooftop and introducing themselves to the Sailor Guardians and saying they will get the crystal at any cost.  The princess then wakes up and the girls run off to not be seen. The Princess of D then shows us her magical treasure which is a statue of herself made of diamonds. 

Over on the balcony, Sailor Moon is asleep on a bench and Tuxedo Mask being all creepy-stalker comes over and looks down at her. He then leans over and kisses her, which is both charming in a Sleeping Beauty way and creepy in take-advantage of someone sleeping way.


 Luna yell at him to leave Usagi alone, completely blowing Sailor Moon's marginal cover of being a different person. Luna don't you know that as soon as someone knows a superhero's identity that its all over for them? I mean you put Usagi's whole family at risk let alone could have made her a media target. For such  smart cat, that's kind of a dumb move.  Luna asks if Tuxedo Mask is working on their side or the enemies and Tuxedo Mask makes a flippant remark about not knowing before diving over the balcony.

On the other side of town we see a girl stuck out in a rain storm running home.

Luna inappropriately speaks in front of everyone: 2 times 
Legendary Silver Crystal Count: 9 times
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