Monday, August 4, 2014

SMM: Beautiful People Just Don't Kill

 Episode 3: Rei- Sailor Mars

We open on Queen Beryl in her usual sexy queen outfit giving the smack down to Jadeite for being pretty shitty at handling the sailor scouts. He apologizes and we meet the two other kings of the Dark Kingdom: Nephrite and Zoisite. I vaguely remember Zoisite being a girl in the original run of Sailor Moon back when I was a kid. I have to say even know, Zoisite has hair any girl would be jealous of.
We also get some background story on the Legendary Silver Crystal, Beryl says anyone who obtains it will be the ruler of the whole universe. So basically its the same as just about every other macguffin and I half expect Indiana Jones to show up just in time to save it from the Nazis. Jadeite vows to destroy the sailor scouts and the scene fades out.

We open on a dark-haired girl by a fire saying she can feel the evil coming. That's a really nifty trick to have in case you ever have to go out at night alone in a dangerous city.

~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

A little girl is running away from the temple saying bye to Rei the dark-haired girl who can feel the evil coming to get her.

Then we cut to school where the students are talking about  the Demon Bus that passes a certain avenue every night at 6 pm. Listen I live in the South where there are only two types of buses: school and greyhounds. So my experience with buses is that they are all demon buses in their own way.  Either snot-nosed-kids are riding them torturing each other or you are on a greyhound for 13 hours with the weirdest collection of people you can imagine and you are terrified of getting left in a Hardees in bum-fuck-nowhere during the stop for food.
Anyways for whatever reason Luna, who is at school with Usagi is listening to the other students talk about the bus. I'm sorry is it cool in Japan to take your cat with you everywhere? because in America that would be grounds for being teased and as well as never going to happen. Usagi is sleeping at school again and Luna tries to wake her up by using the arcade as cover for a meeting. It works pretty well.

Ami and Luna are talking at the arcade about the evil and having to protect the princess and the Legendary Silver Crystal, while Usagi plays that Sailor V game per usual. Yet again a magical prize pops out of the machine and I am starting to wonder how the cat manages to rig it so that these prizes only drop for Usagi. Isn't the kid who plays the game next going to feel gypped he doesn't get a cool watch or something?

Usagi and Ami are hanging out waiting for the bus while Usagi whines that Ami is always studying. Ami tells her they can take a bus which a beautiful girl rides around this time of day.  This also happens to be the mysterious demon bus. Ami and Usagi get on the bus and Usagi sees Rei and immediately gushes about how beautiful she is and also creepily stares at her. Usagi then creepily stalks the girl off the bus to her house/shrine. Usagi you need to just reign it in a little. I'm pretty sure stalking is a crime in Japan too.
Sidenote: There has been some fervor on the internet on how this shows that Usagi is bisexual and blah blah blah. I'm not going to get into that here. If you think Usagi is bisexual great, if you think she is not great. I think the Japanese have a very different way of looking at sexuality than the Western World. This is a country that created Tentacle porn and some of the other anime iMac has made me watched is downright bizarre including one where a girl had to wear a chastity belt until a spirit could take over her body and have sex with the girl's stepbrother. Basically: Japan's ideas of sexuality are very different than North Americas and we should just go with it.

Rei feeling the "evil-twinges" gets all bad-ass on us and throws an ofuda scroll (yes, I had to Google what these were called) at Usagi's forehead, knocking her to the ground. I'm sorry this is what you get for being a creepy stalker Usagi.  Of course, Usagi just gushes more about how cool Rei is and how she's a shrine maiden.  This is all interrupted with Rei's kid friend from the previous day shows up missing. The kids mother is basically a bitch and says that the area hasn't been safe since the shrine got there. We here more about the Demon 6:00 pm bus and how people disappear when they ride it.
 Usagi hears tons of people talking about it at school. Usagi says she wants to go visit Rei after school again and Luna thinks Rei might be the princess they are looking for on account of her being so beautiful, because you know only beautiful people can be princesses.

Usagi is on the bus complaining about Ami having to go to so many cram schools and Luna tells her that they can stay in touch by the magic matching watches that just mysteriously "fell" out of the Sailor V game. Luna then realizes that someone is watching then and starts acting all cat-like prompting Usagi to not get a fucking clue. Then of course, who is sitting next to them? Mamoru of course, because you didn't see him sitting there before you sat down on the bus? He asks if she is talking to her cat again, because that seems to be a thing with her. Usagi asks who is he and if he goes to junior high and Mamoru has to whip out his school ID because he is in High School and pshhaw that someone thinks he is in junior high. My only thought was, do high school students in Japan wears suits everyday? I can't get my 30 year-old Fiancee in a suit now. Usagi catches herself staring at Mamoru and does the only thing a 13 year old can do at this point, try to hide under her 8 pound cat.
 Back at the temple, the kids family is badgering Rei to use her powers to find the kid. They are blaming her for the child's disappears and Usagi shows up and yells at them. Arguing that Rei is too beautiful to do anything like this, because beautiful people don't do bad things right? This just reminds me of Elle's argument in Legally Blonde.
Rei says that people treat her coldly because she is beautiful and has these mysterious powers. Usagi volunteers to help Rei find the kid, but Rei shuns her.  Rei then is hanging out by the fire and sees a vision of Jadeite attacking Usagi. Rei runs to help Usagi but the Jadeite shows up in the demon bus and hypnotizes Rei and brings her on the bus. The bus, driving erratically, then goes right past Usagi who sees Rei on the bus and runs after it. Usagi transforms into a flight attendant and even Luna is like Dafuq are you changing into a flight attendant for? Usagi jumps on the back of the bus as it crashes into a wall and goes into the void of wherever? Of course Tuxedo Mask sees all of this and is like "she totally transformed" but doesn't recognize that its Usagi even though he catches her cat and she is the only person running around Tokyo with that hairstyle. Clearly Mamoru's powers of perception aren't that great.
Luna contact Ami on those watches telling her that Usagi is in trouble. Back in void-land, Nephrite is telling Jadeite how this plan is never gonna work. Jadeite looks down at Rei and strokes her face noting how beautiful she is and how he is attracted to her

Elsewhere Usagi is freaking out and crying because no one can save her here and she clearly doesn't have any power to save herself. Listen, its not a Sailor Moon episode if she doesn't cry at least once. Then Luna chimes in on the magic watch where she is tracking Usagi's coordinates on the computer. Seriously, this cat knows how to use a computer than most people I know. Ami and Luna realize if they can get Usagi to transform to Sailor Moon it will magically teleport them to her. I don't know how this logic works, but I just go with it.

Time for CGI transformations.

There is a lot of posturing between Jadeite and the Sailor Scouts. Mercury does her aqua mist but Jadeite turns it into freezing water. Jadeite then traps Moon and Mercury and Rei wakes up from her trance, immediately knows that Usagi is Sailor Moon (see how hard this is Tuxedo Mask? Rei has only known her for 2 days). Usagi tells Rei everything because Usagi is horrible at keeping secrets. Rei jumps in and stops Jadeite saying she has powers too and we suddenly see the greek symbol for Mars on her forehead. Luna throws her a pen and is all like "transform bitch" and I have to wonder how Luna is carrying this shit around with her. Does she have a little kitty knapsack with all this stuff in it? 
Ami and Usagi get all excited at the prospect of having Rei on their team and Rei seems happy to not be the only person with magical powers. Jadeite is clearly thrown off by having a third teenage girl to fight and the Sailor Scouts get the upper hand. Sailor Moon uses her boomerang as a magic lasso to capture Jadeite and Sailor Mars uses her special powers of throwing flame sticky notes ofuda scrolls to vanquish him.

Back in town Rei hugs her little kid friend and tells her the Sailor Guardians saved her. Ami and Usagi tell Rei they were looking for someone like her and Rei seems happy. Now I remember Rei being snarky in the original run of Sailor Moon and I hope they keep some of the girl's snark. Someone has to tell Usagi to stop crying all the time. The three girls walk off talking about how they still need to find the princess and the "Legendary Silver Crystal."

We then cut to the airport where a little old Japanese man is carrying a small box as photographers take pictures.

Silver Crystal Count: 6
Usagi Cry Count: 1
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