SMM: Beautiful People Just Don't Kill
Previously on Sailor Moon: We learned that cats really do own the internet
Episode 3: Rei- Sailor Mars
We open on a dark-haired girl by a fire saying she can feel the evil coming. That's a really nifty trick to have in case you ever have to go out at night alone in a dangerous city.
~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~
A little girl is running away from the temple saying bye to Rei the dark-haired girl who can feel the evil coming to get her.
Then we cut to school where the students are talking about the Demon Bus that passes a certain avenue every night at 6 pm. Listen I live in the South where there are only two types of buses: school and greyhounds. So my experience with buses is that they are all demon buses in their own way. Either snot-nosed-kids are riding them torturing each other or you are on a greyhound for 13 hours with the weirdest collection of people you can imagine and you are terrified of getting left in a Hardees in bum-fuck-nowhere during the stop for food.
Ami and Luna are talking at the arcade about the evil and having to protect the princess and the Legendary Silver Crystal, while Usagi plays that Sailor V game per usual. Yet again a magical prize pops out of the machine and I am starting to wonder how the cat manages to rig it so that these prizes only drop for Usagi. Isn't the kid who plays the game next going to feel gypped he doesn't get a cool watch or something?
Usagi and Ami are hanging out waiting for the bus while Usagi whines that Ami is always studying. Ami tells her they can take a bus which a beautiful girl rides around this time of day. This also happens to be the mysterious demon bus. Ami and Usagi get on the bus and Usagi sees Rei and immediately gushes about how beautiful she is and also creepily stares at her. Usagi then creepily stalks the girl off the bus to her house/shrine. Usagi you need to just reign it in a little. I'm pretty sure stalking is a crime in Japan too.
Tentacle porn and some of the other anime iMac has made me watched is downright bizarre including one where a girl had to wear a chastity belt until a spirit could take over her body and have sex with the girl's stepbrother. Basically: Japan's ideas of sexuality are very different than North Americas and we should just go with it.
Rei feeling the "evil-twinges" gets all bad-ass on us and throws an ofuda scroll (yes, I had to Google what these were called) at Usagi's forehead, knocking her to the ground. I'm sorry this is what you get for being a creepy stalker Usagi. Of course, Usagi just gushes more about how cool Rei is and how she's a shrine maiden. This is all interrupted with Rei's kid friend from the previous day shows up missing. The kids mother is basically a bitch and says that the area hasn't been safe since the shrine got there. We here more about the Demon 6:00 pm bus and how people disappear when they ride it.
Usagi is on the bus complaining about Ami having to go to so many cram schools and Luna tells her that they can stay in touch by the magic matching watches that just mysteriously "fell" out of the Sailor V game. Luna then realizes that someone is watching then and starts acting all cat-like prompting Usagi to not get a fucking clue. Then of course, who is sitting next to them? Mamoru of course, because you didn't see him sitting there before you sat down on the bus? He asks if she is talking to her cat again, because that seems to be a thing with her. Usagi asks who is he and if he goes to junior high and Mamoru has to whip out his school ID because he is in High School and pshhaw that someone thinks he is in junior high. My only thought was, do high school students in Japan wears suits everyday? I can't get my 30 year-old Fiancee in a suit now. Usagi catches herself staring at Mamoru and does the only thing a 13 year old can do at this point, try to hide under her 8 pound cat.
Elsewhere Usagi is freaking out and crying because no one can save her here and she clearly doesn't have any power to save herself. Listen, its not a Sailor Moon episode if she doesn't cry at least once. Then Luna chimes in on the magic watch where she is tracking Usagi's coordinates on the computer. Seriously, this cat knows how to use a computer than most people I know. Ami and Luna realize if they can get Usagi to transform to Sailor Moon it will magically teleport them to her. I don't know how this logic works, but I just go with it.
Time for CGI transformations.
There is a lot of posturing between Jadeite and the Sailor Scouts. Mercury does her aqua mist but Jadeite turns it into freezing water. Jadeite then traps Moon and Mercury and Rei wakes up from her trance, immediately knows that Usagi is Sailor Moon (see how hard this is Tuxedo Mask? Rei has only known her for 2 days). Usagi tells Rei everything because Usagi is horrible at keeping secrets. Rei jumps in and stops Jadeite saying she has powers too and we suddenly see the greek symbol for Mars on her forehead. Luna throws her a pen and is all like "transform bitch" and I have to wonder how Luna is carrying this shit around with her. Does she have a little kitty knapsack with all this stuff in it?
We then cut to the airport where a little old Japanese man is carrying a small box as photographers take pictures.
Silver Crystal Count: 6
Usagi Cry Count: 1