Monday, July 21, 2014

Sailor Moon Monday: Cats rule the internet

Episode 2: Ami- Sailor Mercury

We open on a middle school in Japan where a blue haired girl is doing complex mathematical equations. Listen I don't know what the schools are like in Japan, but that looks way to hard for a 13 year old. The teacher hands her back her test where she got a perfect score, because of course she did she was just going calculus on the blackboard at 13.

Then we watch two boys walk by talking about the brilliant girl in class 5  that has a 300 IQ and that she even studies during breaks and has no friends. Of course blue-haired brilliant girl is sitting on a bench studying while they walk by because of course. We then watch the blue-haired girl watch wistfully at Usagi and her friends laughing.
 Credits time: they sing way too much about shiny make-up and then say they are not helpless girls. It's a confusing song.

After the credits it time for the villains! We see last weeks head villain, Jadeite talking to Queen Beryl who is demanding more energy for their master. Queen Beryl is clearly evil, did you see how much cleavage that dress shows? They say "Legendary Silver Crystal" like three times in two minutes. Jadeite then goes and raises the demon of the week.
 Cut back to Usagi's house as she flops down on the bed complaining about being hungry. She asks Luna why she is sticking around and Luna warns her that more evil is coming. Like any good 13 year old, Usagi throws a bitch fit about having to be in danger and not wanting to do it again. I can't blame her, I wouldn't want creepy zombies trying to steal my energy either.
She asks Luna what this evil is and Luna replies "spirits that are not supposed to exist in this world." Thanks for being completely generic Luna. Luna says to find her allies and save the princess. Usagi hopes Tuxedo Mask and Sailor V are on her side and Luna says she has someone a little less fancy in mind.

Usagi is now asleep and Luna is using some sort of super computer to do research on the blue-haired girl, Ami. I would really love to know where Luna is hiding that big super computer in that tiny bedroom. On the bright side, on the internet no one knows if you are a cat and if you are you would probably be treated like royalty.
 Back at school, all the students are huddled around some board with grades on it. Ami has a perfect score in every class. Clearly they are setting Ami up to be the smart girl with no friends. Usagi and friends are talking when unimo tells them that Ami is taking classes up at the Crystal Seminar for super smart people, which is conveniently by the same arcade Usagi goes to. We find out Ami is a genius, her mother's a doctor and their family is rich. Yeah, I'd be jealous of this girl too.

On the way home, bemoaning her grades Usagi sees Ami petting Luna and runs over to talk to her. Ami says Luna come down from the sky like an angel and we all see why Luna likes Ami the best. Usagi then thinks about how cute Ami is and hopes they can be friends so Ami can teach her to study. Seriously the girls needs to learn how to study.

Usagi drags Ami to the arcade where of course Ami is great at the sailor V game. Of course she is, she's a genius and does everything perfect. When Ami finishes the game a blue pen pop-out and Usagi being the spoiled girl she is wants one too and starts shaking the arcade game until one pops-out.

Ami then realizes she has to run to seminar. She says all she is good at is studying and wants to be a doctor like her mom. Usagi's eyes get even wider than they already are (seriously if they get any bigger they will be the only thing on her face) and its clear she has a total girl-crush on Ami.
  At seminar we meet Ami's teacher that gives her a study disk to use. Ami's eyes turn green and we all quickly realize this is the new demon of the week.

Next day Usagi and friends are going to get ice cream. One of their friends walks by rattling off the digits to Pi and doesn't even acknowledge them. Random friend A says that their friend is now going to the Crystal Seminar too. Usagi goes to find Ami to see if she wants to come get ice cream and Ami clearly wants to go but the brainwashing as gotten to her and she says she has to study. This seems fishy to me, I love to nerd out on books and stuff but I am out the door if someone says ice cream. I don't see anyone saying no to a waffle cone.

Back at Crystal Seminar the teacher is trying to enroll anyone she can. Listen the sign of a good school is how selective they are. The minute you start letting in just anyone something is wrong. Usagi like any good 13 year old is like fuck extra studying and crumples up the flyer and tosses it away. Didn't this girl learn anything about littering from the last episode? What do you know its Mamoru it hits in the face again, and he questions her about Luna talking.  Usagi freaks out and runs away. This is a complete legit reaction to being busted with a talking cat.
Usagi and Luna go home with Ami's Crystal Seminar disk she left and Usagi does whatever every good QA tester does and punches keys on the board until something fishy comes up. They find the brainwashing on the disk and rush over to the Crystal Seminar school to save Ami. The pen Usagi "won" at the arcade earlier turns her into a doctor and I have to wonder why she chose doctor. It's a school, wouldn't a teacher be a better disguise? Also this is the sluttiest doctor disguise ever. It's like the porn version of a doctor.

Inside the teacher is pressuring Ami to work faster so that she can use Ami's amazing brain to take over Tokyo and find the Legendary Silver Crystal. The teacher picks up Ami's pen she won and throws it across the room, Ami goes to pick it up and the teacher grabs her. Just then Usagi runs into the room and Luna attacks the teacher to get Ami free. The teacher asks who Usagi is and she replies a doctor. Usagi tells Ami about the brainwashing which causes the teacher to become all super villainy.

Luna tells Usagi to transform and Usagi hesitates before doing so and we get another 3 minutes of CGI transformation. What amazes me about these transformations is that is seems like Sailor Moon's hair gets longer during these. The girl can step on her hair. Why does her mother let her have it this long? Isn't it heavy?

Sailor Moon taunts the minor villain of the week before starting to cry and scream again. Seriously I cannot get over how bad sonic crying is as a super power. I mean hell Aqua-man has better powers than that. The sonic crying does nothing and the teacher attacks her with thousands of papers. They stick Sailor Moon to the wall and all I can think is this is what they mean by death by a thousand paper-cuts. Also considering how bad Usagi is at school, being killed by tests should be her worst nightmare.

The villain goes after Sailor Moon and Ami screams for her to stop and we see the Greek symbol for Mercury on her forehead. Luna instructs her to transform and for someone with a genius IQ, I find it hard to believe that Ami isn't like "why the fuck is this cat talking to me? Am I hallucinating?" Instead genius girl does as the talking cat says and we get her nifty transformation sequence and another minute of CGI.
 Ami pulls out her special trick of aqua-mist and confuses the demon of the week. Its funny, Sailor Moon can't do anything without instruction and yet Sailor Mercury knows how to do her special attack 30 seconds after changing into the suit? I call bullshit here.

The mist isn't enough and lucky for everyone Tuxedo Mask shows up to save Sailor Moon from the papers. Sailor Moon boomerangs the demon of the week and Tuxedo Mask disappears. Well that is how you end a fight sequence in 3 seconds.

Jadeite hovers over the city the next morning look displeased about the appearance of a new Sailor Scout. Ami and Usagi walk to school and says they are going to be friends from now on, which is good since they will be spending a lot of time together.

# of times someone says "Legendary Silver Crystal" this episode: 5 1/2
# of times Usagi cries/whines: 2
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