Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Christmas Round-Up

So because I didn't really have internet or a computer during my Christmas vacation like I thought I would, I never got the chance to tell you guys all the great stories from Christmas. So here is just a little Christmas round-up edition.

Revenge of the Aunt
So my mom is the youngest of 5. She has one older sister who is married and has three sons that are around UNC-Sis and my ages. UNC-Sis and I grew up with these three boy cousins. In fact, they lived a ten minute walk down the road from us and we spent every summer at their house. My mom, being the agitator that she is, spent years torturing the youngest boy and by extension my aunt and uncle. She would buy him barbies for birthdays and noisy toys at Christmas. She would constantly goad him into doing things and then he'd do them. Of course, my aunt would catch him and he'd get into so much trouble. In fact, this particular cousin has called my mother "evil" on more than one occasion. Mischievous is more like like. When my mother wasn't torturing the youngest cousin, she was buying the older two the nosiest toys, toys will tiny pieces, legos by the bundle, and generally anything else that my aunt would not buy her kids.

So this year we go over to my aunt's house for Christmas eve. While everyone else is playing White Elephant, my aunt (and she corralled a couple second cousins to do this too) bring out a shit-ton of toys for Lil' Miss Sis and Baby sis. What do these toys contain? You guessed it tons of legos, toys with little pieces, Elefun, things that make tons of loud noises or a mess. My aunt cackled so hard it was unbelievable. She said this was for all the years that my mother had tortured her and all the legos she had stepped on over the years. My mother silently wept the entire car ride home

This game is the devil

My Mom is A Four Year-Old
So during that game of White elephant when my sisters were being showered with toys with tiny pieces, my mother won a red bucket that was filled with six fake white snowballs. Sometime after the game while my cousins were trying to put together a tiny foosball table and I was chowing down on Cheesecake, my mother managed to start a snowball fight with my aunt. Which then proceeded to include every female adult at the party and twice snowballs ended up in leftover Italian sausage and sauce.

My Sister Tried to Steal My Boyfriend and Other Adventures
You would think this story would involve UNC-Sis but no. Five-year-old Lil Miss Sis kept telling Imac that he was handsome and hanging around him. It was a kinda cute. That being said Lil Miss Sis was a pill to me on this trip home. I couldn't tickle her because I would "scratch her," I couldn't tickle Baby Sis because Lil Miss Sis wouldn't have it. Lil Miss Sis kept telling me I was being naughty and that Jingle (their Elf on the Shelf) was watching. I couldn't play with Baby Sis because Lil Miss Sis kept yelling that it upset her that she couldn't help her sister (hello, I'm her sister too). I have never been reprimanded so much by a five year old.

 Towed and the Wet Imac
So  Imac and I were staying with my parents in their apartment in Sarasota for the first half of our Christmas trip. Now its a huge apartment complex with tons of parking and virtually no people there. I have the feeling more people live there when its not Christmas time. Anyways the first night or two we were parking right next to my parent's cars and we didn't think anything of it. My mom suggested to me while we were out that Imac park in the visitors spots which were like four spots over from where we already parked. Later than night, Imac and I drove over to the hot tub in my parents complex for an hour or two and on the drive back I suggest to Imac to park in the visitors spots. He shrugged his shoulders at me and parked where he had been parking. We both went inside where I proceeded to help wrap presents for two hours. UNC-Sis comes home from works and takes her dogs out and comes back in and tells us that someones car is getting towed. You can figure out where this is going right?

Yep, its Imac's car that got towed not 3 hours after we parked it, in a completely deserted parking lot, the night before Christmas Eve. Imac and I spent four hours the next morning (Christmas Eve) trying to get his car out of lock-up. It wouldn't have been so bad except Imac's car is in his grandfathers name and the tow people made us jump through so many ridiculous hoops to get it out. We had to get his grandfather to fax a thing with the insurance ,Vin number, both Imac's license and his grandfather's and it had to be notarized and signed. So we called his grandfather (who happened to be bedridden with the Flu) and he gets the bank to fax it for us, but it wasn't notarized the first time so the tow people made us called again and get it notarized and refaxed. It was completely ridiculous and on Christmas Eve and from a parking lot that had like no cars in it. And it wasn't like the complex had it towed, no this was a tow company that just paroled around for cars to take.

When are You Having My Grandchildren?
So Imac and I spent the second half of our Christmas trip with his mother in Naples, Florida. The first day or so was pretty normal. I think his mom was trying to feel me out. By that night and several beers later, we were at dinner when this happened:

Imac's Mom: So when are you getting married?
Imac: Um... 2015
Me: (choking on my dinner) 2013 is in like 4 days, you might want to roll that number back baby
Imac: Um 2016?

The rest of the trip was spent with his mother kindly but firmly telling us that she (and by extension us) are not getting any younger and that she wants grandkids soon. By the time we had to leave, I was like please get me out of here before she pokes holes in the condoms or something.

Anyways that was my Christmas. Slightly strange, full of family and pretty fun.
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