NO, Just No

Okay, I don't quite know when my blog turned into a dating blog. I certainly never meant for that to happen. But considering dating and work take up 70% of my free time (the dogs take up another 20%) and I don't like talking about work on here, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that it has become a topic of choice recently.

Anyways when it comes to online dating, there are just some gems I get that I can't help mocking. Like this message I was sent the other day:

WHY? Why would you send that to ANY girl as a first message. It's like saying, "I don't want to try too hard to get to know you. I'm just going to go straight for the sex angle and hope this girl is whorey enough to enjoy it." Also how hard is it to spell "you" its two extra motherfucking letter you lazy bastards!

Then I got this message:

Now this guy seems sweet enough except that when I looked at his profile he was nearly 10 years younger than me. Hence probably why he started off the message saying "ma'am." Nothing shrivels up my panties faster than being called ma'am. I am not 90. Also the fact that there was only two periods in over 50 words. Grammar matters people!

It concerns me that this guy (who isn't even legal drinking age) believes he is "going all the way this time."  What does that even mean? When I first read it, I thought he was talking about marriage but now I wonder if he is just a virgin and means getting laid. Either way I'm not looking to be anyone's cougar. There is nothing that someone who can't even remember cassette tapes is going to be able to teach me.

Also, Dear Men of the World:

 Please think about what you are picking as your profile name. If your name sounds like any of the following:

• okieoralfixation
• frostyfatdik
• yourmomgigolo 
• Needsumlovn
• NeedingAHug
• Hard2Handle

I would suggest changing it. Nothing about those names is going to make any girl want to date you, and frankly with online dating everybody is judging everybody based on superficial things. You don't want to strike out based on a really bad naming decision.

PS. Please if you are getting annoyed with my ranting about dating- tell me about it. I promise to stop if its driving y'all nuts. I also promise to find better things to talk about, like reality TV and the fact that my family is crazy.

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You Like Me, You Really Like Me

So the adorable girls over at The Artsy Sisters gave me a blog award!

Liebster is the German word for sweetheart or beloved. It comes from the German verb Lieben which is "to love." And people said I never learned anything in my 6 years of German language classes. While I don't think anyone would every call me a "sweatheart" the award is given out to up-and-coming bloggers with under 200 followers. I don't know how up and coming I am as I've been doing this for 5 years, but the thought it appreciated anyways.

With all blog awards there are rules. The rules are that you must:

1. post 11 things about yourself
2. answer 11 questions given to you
3. tag 11 blogs to give to the award to 
4. give them 11 questions to answer

Since I've never been one for rules and I don't know that I am going to be able to come up with 11 things to say about myself that people don't already know. Lets just skip right to step two. My 11 questions:

1. Trick or Treat? Which would you choose?
 Treat! Hello chocolate!

2. What is your favorite Perfume of all time?
I don't know that I have one. I do love Victoria Secrets Love Spell though

3. What fashion accessory can't you do without?
My @ symbol necklace, it just encapsulates how nerdy I really am

4. Handbag trivia: What do you have in your purse/handbag right now?
Wallet, cellphone, Ipod touch and car keys. I travel light.

5. Describe your style.
I would call it traditional american girl with some quirk. I'm big on jeans, shorts, tank-tops, skirts, and button downs. I love to have interesting embellishments though, like a fun necklace or earrings or a bow or flower in my hair.

6. How would you like to die?
Quickly and painlessly

7. What is your most embarrassing fashion blunder till date?
Daisy-duke shorts with combat boots. Oh high school.

8. Who is your celebrity crush?
Henry Cavill. He's totally yummy. It would be Matt Bomer but he's gay.

9. What is the one pet you would never have?
A spider. It's not that I am afraid of them, it's just that they are not very cuddly.

10. What is your secret obsession?
The TV show Chuck and Star Wars. I don't know if either of those are a secret though.

11. If you could be one other person for a day, whose life would you want to live?
I would love to be Emma Stone for a day. She is fabulous and funny and gets to travel. She's totally my girl-crush

And now onto the part everyone has really been waiting for. The Awards go to:

• Ginntastic
•  1., B., Platypus 
• Pink Nightmare
• Smile Big and Pretty
• The Year of the Phoenix
• I am, Therefore I do
• Lauren vs. Reality
• Starting Over, Same Story: Different Person
• This is Not Your Blog
• Angry Ukulele Chick
• Keeping it Trashy in the Bible Belt

And you're 11 questions are:

1.  Dead or Alive: Name the one US President you would want to meet?
2. Forget normal colors if you had to dye your hair some extreme color, what color would it be?
3. Burrito or Nachos?
4. If you had to move to a third-world country, what one would you go to?
5. What's your dream job?
6. What band have you always wanted to see in concert? 
7. TV Show you love to watch, but are ashamed to admit you watch?
8. Are vertical strips really slimming?
9. Which cartoon do you look like?
10.  I'm getting a new tattoo, what should I get?
11. How many times a day do you check your cellphone?

Alright girls: GO!

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Are You Chained In A Basement?

So in my single-girl world, I have been out dating and whats-not. I don't normally bring up random guys I'm not seriously dating on this blog, but this guy is special. I met him on one of those free online dating sites I keep profiles on, mostly to use as blog fodder here. He seemed sweet enough from his profile. He had two bachelors degrees and was going back to school to get his teaching license so he could teach Middle School English. He listed a ton of great books that he had read and liked, and in this town people who read things like The Great Gatsby and Fahrenheit 451 are scarce. So I agreed to meet him for drinks Thursday night and gave him my phone number.

He promptly spent all day Tuesday texting me. The boy blew up my phone, to the point that he was spending me 3 texts for every 1 of mine. But the conversation was pretty normal and he seemed like a nice, intelligent guy- so I overlooked it. Until around 4 o'clock when this happened:

Red Flag #1. I just looked at my phone when he sent that and was like WTF. I'm sorry you are a grown ass man in your mid-20s, you don't need my permission to go to work. But I thought, maybe he was just trying to be polite and tell me he wouldn't be texting me that much because he was going to work.

But then he texted me on his break...and again when he got off work, which was right around the time I was going to bed. So I politely sent him a text saying I was going to bed and it was nice talking to him. When he responded with, "Okay, it was nice talking to you. I'll text you in the morning." -Red Flag #2.

At that point I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by this guy, so I sent him back a politely worded text that said something like "Listen, you seem like a really sweet guy, but you are coming on way too strong and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here." He apologized and then let me go to bed. Wednesday was better, he texted me less but he was still texting me things like: "How is your day going? I'm thinking about going to the beach, what do you think? I'm really looking forward to meeting you tomorrow."- Red Flag #3.  At this point I realized that I was dealing with a Stage 5 Clinger.

By this point I couldn't get out of the date, and I would feel like an awful bitch standing someone up. Plus he seemed like a generally nice, sweet guy and I thought "Go, maybe he will be normal." Except he texted me twice that day telling me how excited he was to meet me and then a half an hour before the date he texted me to tell me he was leaving to come meet me.

And for the most part he was normal, except that he must have told me how pretty/smart/great I was like 15 times in the course of 2 hours. Don't get me wrong I like being complimented, but it was way way too much for a first date. So I was grateful to end the date as early as I could without being mean about it, and immediately called Nugs to tell her everything.

I hadn't even made it home before he texted me again telling me how nice it was to meet me and get to know me. I haven't been returning his texts in the hopes that he gets the hint. I have to say the best part of this whole debacle is the series of texts I have been getting from Nugs about it. Some of her quips include:

• Are you chained in a basement?
• Are you still alive? Was he waiting outside with a Photoshop of your first eight kids?
• If I haven't heard from you in a few days and there's a new purse called The Coyote Rose, I'm putting out an Amber Alert
• Hiding in the Bushes is the new chocolates. I should know. I mean. Wait.
• He's like John Cusack in Say Anything, only with a rotting animal carcass

Anyone else ever had a run in with a Stage 5 Clinger?

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Um No Thank You

Okay Cracked.com just did an article about the 7 types of people Who Need to Get Out of The Freaking Way. And while I agree with all of them I have to make an amendment to #5.

I'm going to need it to include people who hang out on the top of stairwells when you are trying to use them.

Now I generally avoid my neighbors in whatever apartment complex I am living in. It's not that they are bad people per say, it's just that generally I don't care to meet any of them. Just because you live in the same area as I do is not reason enough for me to talk to you. Now there is the one floppy-haired kid (late teens/early 20s) who I know and say hi to, but outside of that I don't really bother with my neighbors.

But the stairwell is not your personal hang-out spot and would you kindly move your asses so I can get into the safety of my apartment. This happens to me all the time. The kids who live across the hall from me use the stairwell right next to my apartment as their personal hangout spot. They even have beach chairs set-up and shit. 

But whatever, I can handle them most of the time. This past weekend, however, I was bringing back laundry to my apartment and I go to walk up the first flight of stairs (I live on the third floor) and these two old redneck looking guys are hanging out on the top of the second floor stairwell, smoking. Now I've maybe seen these guys once or twice before, but I certainly don't know them. So I'm standing their with my huge laundry basket waiting for them to move off the top of the stairwell so I can go up.

And there they are just staring at me from the top like I had four fucking heads.

And I waited for them to move..

and waited...

and finally the one guy goes "Do you need some help with that?"

EXCUSE ME? No. I do not need you, some random guy I have never spoken to before, helping me with my basket of laundry that includes several dozen pairs of Victoria Secrets underwear. Yes, it was nice of him to offer to help but it would have been nicer if he had just moved out of my fricken way!

I ended up being like "No" and then just going around to use the back-stairwell to my apartment, even though it was out of my way. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's like other people are trying to use the stairs and I'm in their way? What no, that doesn't happen. The worst is when I'm out walking the dogs because the dogs think everyone wants to be jumped on by them or that everyone should want to pet them (and yes, that's because I can't control my dogs and I'm a bad dog owner, KAY?), and I'm trying to get into my apartment without my dogs mauling these people.

Seriously, you have apartments people. Go hang out in them.

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SUNDAY PIC: Tramp Stamp

So I was out at Cheesy Tourist Trap #2 in my town Friday night. Now I love these cheesy tourist traps in my town because they are the best place for people watching. So Friday night I saw this:

Yes, that is a guy in his early 30s, smoking a cigar while getting an airbrushed tramp stamp. I didn't get a great look at the tattoo when it was done, but I'm pretty sure it looked something like this:

It was seriously the highlight of my night.

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Tales From the RA Vault: People in Glass Study Rooms...

...Shouldn't take off their clothes.

So for those of you who are new(ish) to this blog a long long time ago in a galaxy far away I was a resident advisor in college. Okay that long long time ago was 2005-2006 and the galaxy far away was North Carolina, but whatever those are minor details. Anyways every once and awhile (typically when I run out of interesting things to say about my life) I will dig a story out of the RA vault to tell. This story didn't happen to me, but to a fellow RA that I knew.

So we had several suite style housing options on our campus. These suites typically consisted of 4 teeny-tiny bedrooms, a kitchen, bathroom and living room where four students would live. Buildings typically had 100-200 of these type rooms in a building. Also in these buildings were study rooms where students could go study in the quiet without their roommates around. These study rooms were glass on 3 sides.

So one night a group of students in one of the all-freshman buildings (I believe) decided they were going to go play poker in one of the study rooms late at night. Seems innocuous enough right?

Well sometime during this game of poker the game turned into strip poker and then it turned into sexual favors poker. Now at some point one of these students should have had the wherewithal to say "we're in a glass room and at any point someone could walk by and see this shit, maybe we should move into one of our suites? You know behind brick walls."

But yeah right, that didn't happen.

Well the RA on duty for the night has to do 2 sweeps of the building before going to bed. At 10 the security guard takes over and does sweeps of the building too. Sometime between midnight and 2 a.m. (roughly), the security guard is doing his sweep of the building and finds these students partially-to-fully naked and with several peoples heads in other people's laps (to put it politely). I don't even know what housing laws they broke, besides nudity in public and the fact that an orgy looked like it was going to break out at any second. So of course my friend the RA was woken up and forced to come down to see this to write a report. No word on if the students were allowed to put their clothes back on before she got there.

Because that's what I want to wake up to in the middle of the night- naked freshman.

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