Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Hardest Post I Have Ever Written

So anyone who follows my Twitter or has been around 20sb bloggers probably already knows that Imac and I broke up. For those who didn't know, Imac and I broke up.

I would love to tell you it was an amicable breakup and that it was a mutual decision but Nugs would call me a lying liar-face. I broke up with him and I spent all day Tuesday crying over it. I stopped crying Tuesday night just long enough to open my fridge to get a soda, see his Bud Light can sitting there and then I totally lost it again.

I did it for the right reasons though. We had been together just short of 4 months and while I was totally enamored of him, he just didn't feel the same way about me. I had known for a couple weeks that things were going downhill. All of his friends knew me as his girlfriend; I had introduced him as my boyfriend; We were together 4-5 nights a week; he had asked me if i wanted to go on a cruise with him and his sisters in the fall and yet 4 months in, we still weren't facebook official and his family still didn't know he was dating anyone.  So I asked him why he was dating me and his response was "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together." Which left me completely clueless to how he felt. So I had to force a very long conversation where he told me that he didn't want anything serious, commitment sucks and that he didn't want to ever marry me.

I was crushed. Thank god for Nugs and my Nip Clique girls because I was a trainwreck  and they got me through it. It wasn't like I wanted to marry him; I'm not ready to marry anyone let alone someone I was dating for 4 months. All I really wanted him to say was "I like you. I care about you. I want to be with you and we'll see where it goes." I didn't need some epic vow of love or to move in with him; I just wanted to know that he wanted to be with me and I just wasn't some placeholder girlfriend for him until something better came along. What I got was that he has commitment issues and that I wasn't it for him. So I ended it.

I don't wish him any ill-will and I want what's best for him. I want him to be happy because I care about him and he deserves that. I can honestly say, he probably won't ever find anyone who treated him as well as I did. I adored him and I was always baking cookies for him and doing nice things for him. But I wasn't appreciated and I didn't feel cared about.

Its been a really hard last 2 days because I've gotten accustomed to having him around and its kind of like having my arm chopped off. I'm used to it being there and its hard to deal with the fact that its gone. I still want to act like its there. I miss talking to him. I miss the way he would wrap his feet around mine because my feet are always cold. I miss the way his nose always ran during sex. But overtime I will forget and move on, because I deserve to be happy too. I promise to be back to normal and snarky next week. I don't like being all emo, but I owed you guys the truth and honestly writing this has been therapeutic for me.

As for that can of Bud Light, I flushed it down the toilet this morning.
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