Thursday, April 19, 2012

OPEN LETTER: Stop Raping My Childhood

Dear Movie Directors, Writers and Producers (I'm looking at you Michael Bay):

Stop Ruining My Childhood with your shitty movie remakes!

First they made the Transformer Movies, which weren't completely awful and to be honest I didn't watch Transformers that much when I was a kid, so i didn't mind so much. Then they went and remade Thunder Cats, and again I wasn't so mad because I didn't watch that much of it. A remake of Footloose followed and I could live with that because it was in the right spirit and stuff.

Now with this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake where the Turtles are aliens, not mutants and may or may not be teenagers - we have an issue. Listen, you needn't rewrite an entire backstory because you think it makes them cooler. The turtles were never cool, they were funny and frankly Mutants is a far more likely backstory than aliens. I'm just grateful it was an April Fool's joke that Donatello was going to be female, or I was seriously going to have to get all indignant with this idea.

But the mf'ing straw that broke the mf'ing camels back is this new reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Oh, you haven't heard about this? Let me help you out. They (people unknown at this moment) intend to reboot the Sabrina franchise with an edgy dark movie where Sabrina is a superhero and Salem (who may or may not be a cat in the movie, I'm not sure) is going to be a prince and Sabrina's love interest. WHAT. THE. FUCK? What was wrong with the original Sabrina story? I mean it only spawned a hit TV show with loveable kooky aunts.

Do you people really think these shitty remakes are going to be blockbusters? All you are doing is raping the childhood of my generation. Is nothing sacred to you guys? Are you going to make a Clarissa Explains it All Movie where Sam sneaks in the window and rapes her? Is Full House going to become an incestuous gay-love triangle between Danny, Joey and Jessie? Is Topanga going to be Corey Matthews split personality/drag character?

When will the madness end?
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