Life Updates and Other Bullshit

I wish I could tell you that I was doing something fabulous in all the time I haven't been blogging, but if you've been following my twitter feed you already know that I wasn't.Sadly most of my tweets recently have been about how much I need a nap.

Not my actual schedule but it sure feels like it!

Here is the run down of my life recently:

1). A friend of mine approached me about moving to Charlotte, NC. Now I have been talking about moving back to Charlotte for like a year, so after some initial reservations I talked to G-Fab and then jumped at the chance to go. Several weeks of planning later, with about a month to go before the move- my friend backed out. He fell in love or some such nonsense and couldn't do it.

I.Was.Not.Happy to say the least. Not ten minutes after I got this news I had a job interview scheduled, which brings me to...

B). I am now officially a professional writer! I know, someone pays me to write! How fucked up is that? I mean I'd like to think my writing skills are pretty good and all, but frankly I never thought anyone would ever pay me to do it. Before anyone gets super jealous and all, I only get paid 25 dollars a day. I work for a local website and they give me the topics to write about. I don't get to pick my own topics and I don't have a huge word limit, so its not all glamorous or anything. Still I get to put "Writer" on my resume which is probably the biggest ego boost of my life.

Pink Fairy Armadillo). That doesn't mean I get to quit my waitressing job, which has gone into massive overtime recently. For the last month I have been working 6 days a week on ridiculous hours. The last 3 days alone I worked 11:30-9, 10-3 and then 10-10. Then I had to go home and write for my other job and play with my (woefully neglected) dogs. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept in like a month.

38DD). In a quick run down of everything else you might want to know about: I didn't feel the earthquake. Hurricane Irene won't be doing anything but making it really windy at my house. I chewed out this guy, Kenya, I was sort of/kinda/almost involved with. I got a call from a job that rejected me a year ago asking me to reapply (shocking as shit). Also I am apartment hunting in the hopes I can one day move out of my parents house.

So yeah, a lot has happened in the last month.

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SMAC: We Love Shelly!

 Hey everyone it's time for everyone's favorite movie review chain SMAC! Except this month instead of doing shitty movies, we're doing Shelly movies! In other words were doing reviews of movies that remind us of our favorite dominatrix porn star sci-fi nerd Shelly! I'm reviewing Chris Pine's Package the new Star Trek over at The Real Mandy Moore and I'm hosting my favorite Chicagoan Lily. You can find the whole list at That Ain't Kosher, but take it away Lils:

 Hi guys! I’m Lily from Is it too early for a martini? And I’m here to do a SMAC post. Unlike most SMAC, this month we aren’t reviewing Shitty Movies. This month, we’re reviewing movies that remind us of our favorite blogger - Shelly! It’s her birthday, that’s why. So make sure you get around to wishing her a happy birthday. 

I’m reviewing Alice in Wonderland. 

It took me a while to think of which one I wanted to review. 

I decided not to do the Tim Burton one … mostly because I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t like Johnny Depp. Yeah, I don’t get the whole “Johnny Depp is so hawt!” movement. Because I don’t think he is. 

There’s also a porn version of Alice in Wonderland. If I had enough time, I’d probably review that one. Except, I’m not too fond of porn either. 

I decided, finally, on the Disney version. And why not? It is the cutest. 

I can watch this version of Alice in Wonderland a million times if I could! All in on sitting. But I think it’s highly impossible. 

Anyways, everytime I see this movie, I think of Shelly. I can replace Alice with Shelly, and the movie would be like 1000000000 X gagillion times cuter than it already is. Trust me that’s like super cute. 

If I were a good artist, I would try to make a cartoon version of Shelly so we could see that she could totes be Alice if she wanted to. But if I tried, I would totally just be a stick figure with long hair.

A few weeks ago, I reread the book the movies is based on… and I kid you not, I imagined Shelly as Alice. It was pretty sweet. And hey, someone as cool as Shelly deserves to have an animated movie about them. 

******

Happy Birthday, Shelly! I totes helped the Mad Hatter bake that cake.  

Also, don’t forget to vote Shelly for Prom Queen!

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Some People Shouldn't Reproduce

For long time readers of this blog, you already know that I work as a waitress in Myrtle Beach. For those of you who didn't know, well now you do. Working in customer service means I come into contact with a lot of people. I mean a-fucking-lot of people.  And I've recently noticed that some people shouldn't reproduce.

That's right, I'm looking at you- parents of unruly, misbehaving bratty ass children. We've had a rash of spoiled rotten, screaming, obnoxious, really really really really bad children in our restaurant recently.

You know the type: The kids who run around the restaurant with no regard for the fact that people are working there, or their own personal safety since at any given moment I am carrying around a 20 pound tray of food up a flight of stairs. Or the kids who scream at the top of their lungs for 30 minutes for no other reason than they want to be screaming at the top of their lungs. I mean blood-curdling, glass shattering screaming. The kids who interrupt the server every 3 seconds demanding a refill or crayons or ketchup or another sheet of paper, so that I can't even get everyone else's food order. The kids who are climbing in and out of their highchair and bothering other tables.

Listen, not all parents are bad. I've met some really well behaved children and really good parents. But for the rest of you, learn how to discipline your children, or at least if they are causing a scene- please for the love of god take them out of the restaurant. Before I get a 100 comments from people with their panties in a twist because I am saying this, listen I understand being a parent is hard work. I have 5 sisters, one of which is Autistic, so I understand how hard it is too keep your kid from throwing a hissy-fit over something. But my mother never let us pull that shit, and even with Lil' Miss Sis- she keeps her entertained and if she is really pitching a fit she takes my sister out of the restaurant until she clams down. But there is no fucking excuse for letting your children run up and down the stairwell with no supervision in a place of business. You want me to let my dogs loose in your office building? I bet they can chew up 3 filing cabinets in under 2 hours.

Also for parents off snotty ass preteens and teenagers, if i want to backhand your child- you have a problem. Its not my job to deal with your 12 year old's attitude problem. Teach them some manners and how to treat people. I had a girl today pitch a mother-fucking-fit because she ordered a chicken sandwich without coleslaw (our sandwiches come with coleslaw in a ramekin on the side of the plate) and the plate came out with coleslaw. She started practically yelling at the top of her lungs that "she didn't order coleslaw, and what was it doing there, and she said she wanted it left off and blah blah blah." I rang the order in correctly, sometimes the kitchen puts it on anyways. They see 300 chicken sandwiches a day, its not that big of a deal you simply move the ramekin off your plate. The kitchen made a mistake, I didn't even reach the table until after the plate had been put in front of her otherwise I would have taken it off myself. She later made a comment to her mother to hold her purse while she went to the bathroom cause she didn't want anyone stealing it.The only other person in the bathroom was a fellow waitress- who this little brat made an evil glare at. Listen bitch unless you are carrying 200 bucks in cash or pot, no coworker of mine is going to steal your cheap JCPenny Justin Beiber purse.

I really shouldn't work with people.... ever

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