SUNDAY VID: My Mama Told Me When I Was Hatched...

Weird Al never fails to amuse me. Thank god for parody.

The porcupine is my favorite part.

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Take My Shit (Giveaway)

Because one man's trash is another man's.... trash?  No seriously, I've been wanting to do a giveaway forever (since all the cool blogs do it or something), so i'm finally getting around to it. Plus its one more excuse to vlog (because i'm a narcissist, yo).

Update: Okay i have no idea why that screenshot makes my skin look all blotchy. I swear if you watch the video it does not look like that. Thanks for making me look like i'm part werewolf Youtube!

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Who Are These People?

So I know i might have mentioned Online dating once or twice before but it never fails to amuse me. I just don't understand where these men come from. It's like they are all from the planet I'm-never-gonna-get-laid. The recent batch of emails i have received have had me rolling in laughter and texting my home girl Nugs being like "dude are they fucking serious?"

The first two emails have to do with something Nugs wrote on my Profile. Yes, i let my friends create my Okcupid profile because she's fucking awesome at it. Anyways she wrote:

You like smart, quirky women who like to have fun. Aren't intimidated by opinionated women who can take care of themselves. If you are intelligent, I need a guy who knows the difference between Julius Caesar and Little Caesar.

Pretty fucking funny right? I mean i am a history nerd and all. Well these are some of the emails i have received recently:

1. Wasn't Julius Caesar's nickname Little Caesar? Because he was a short statured conqueror from France? 

 *Facepalm* Someone took remedial European History

2. hey there...im Kyle...i love little caesers!!

A. Trust me i can tell since you are at least 300lbs in your profile pic.
B. what the fuck does that have to do with what is written? Did you even read the whole sentence?

3. Julius Caesar, oh you mean that guy back in roman times that was famous for making pizza and defeating rival empires with his fattening up strategy, lol J/K I was checking out your profile and liked what I read, so I figured I'd see if you were up for getting to know me. I have a couple tatts, one that I plan on getting covered with something else. You said you like tatts, do you have any? Anyway, hope to hear from! Have a great night little lady!

 This guy at least seems like he googled Julius Caesar before sending me a message which i appreciate and all. But he lost all credibility when he called me little lady.

So far okcupid is 0-32

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Introduce Yourself, No Way, Introduce Yourself, Okay

So 20sb bloggers is doing a vlog day today with the prompt to Introduce yourself. Here is my very strange and awkward attempt to be a real person. Also i'm sorry for the sound quality.

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SMAC: What A Whore

It's time for another installment of Shitty Movie Awareness Club and I'm supa supa excited to be getting my homegirl Nyx on my blog. She's my favorite adorable Delawarean. She's taking on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which is totally overdue to be mocked. I'm up on Serenity Now, Insanity Later doing one of the silliest movies from the 90's BeBe's Kids. Anyways take it away Nyx: 

So for this month’s movie ring, we’re doing animated tales. And I get to be on Tit’s blog. ZOMG. *jackpot*

Oh yea. And I’m Nyx, from at Notions. Check me out. Or not. Whatevs.

So I chose to review a movie that, even when I was little, thought was stupid. I’m reviewing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Yep. I’m attacking a Disney classic, bunnies and little men and all. Bonus points if y’all can name the Dwarfs. Without Googling it.

So here’s the skinny: Snow White’s evil stepmother married her father, the king, and (seriously, it is ALWAYS the stepmother) is also apparently a narcissistic freak who stares in the mirror all day long (this sounds like me). Although, it’s not just any ordinary mirror. Apparently it’s a magic mirror.

Seriously, if I had a magic mirror I totes wouldn’t be using it to tell whether or not I was the prettiest in all the land. Nope. I’d totally be spying on…everyone. Wait. I’m beginning to see a parallel with facebook…..

Anyways, this mirror tells the Queen that Ms. White is the fairest in all the land. Boo. Yah.

The Queen orders a huntsman to kill Snow White. However, apparently they just don’t make huntsmen like they used to, because this guy apparently has issues with killing an innocent child. So he lets her run free. Which is where the seven dwarfs come in. Snow comes across their cottage and they allow her to live there. She cooks, and cleans, and I presume performs sexual favors.

Yep. I went there.

Of course, this doesn’t trick facebook the magic mirror. Mr. Tattle-tale mirror tells the Queen that her beloved step-daughter is still alive, and yes, she’s still prettier, so neener neener neener.

So, the Queen gets it in her head that she personally needs to kill Snow White. Y’know the saying. If you want something done right, do it yourself. It’s a cliché because it’s true. So the Queen, after a heavy dosing of narcotics (I presume), grabs an apple and poisons it. She also dresses like a hag and shuffles her way to the dwarfs’ cottage, gives Snow White the apple, which successfully poisons the young princess.

Wait. Hold the phone. Maybe it’s the times I live in, but if some dirty old hag gave me an apple, I’d be all “ew.” I don’t know where that shit has been, y’know? I mean, it could have tuberculosis on it or some shit like that. No thankyou.

Anyways, the little twit eats the apple, is poisoned, and falls into an eternal sleep. The Dwarfs, upset as they are over the loss of their prostitute, chase the Queen up onto a cliff…which is then struck by lightning and she falls to her death.

Oh, and some random prince comes by, kisses the twit Snow White, and she is revived. Happy ever fucking after.

Moral of the story:

Don’t fuck with dwarfs. Especially old, sexually deprived ones.

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