SUNDAY PIC: It's cookie time!

Some of you might have noticed my tweets about making Seven Layer Cookie Bars. I am happy to note that i have pictures from it!

Me taking out my frustration on Graham Crackers

If you are looking for the recipe it can be found here. It's super simple: melt one stick of butter, add graham cracker crumbs, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, pecans, white chocolate chips (i hate coconut) and a can of sweetened condensed milk, and bake for 40 minutes. So simple my sisters could do it without messing it up!

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OPEN LETTER: You Sick Twisted Fuckers

Dear People Who Post Job Scams:

I Fucking Hate You.

No seriously, if i could blow you up I totally would. You are single-handedly ruining job hunting for millions of people. I mean here are honest, hard-working people who have to tweak their resume to every job they apply for and spend hours painstakingly writing cover letters all for jobs that don't exist thanks to you jackasses. I mean in the time it takes me to apply to one of your fictitious posting I could have walked my dogs, taken a shower, gotten laid, or done anything else. In the matter of a week I probably spend 3 hours a week applying to jobs that don't exist because you fuckers can't get real jobs like the rest of us. That's 3 hours of my week I can never get back. You should be fucking paying me for those hours.

And really how much money are you making from this shit? Anyone with half a brain knows not to do those credit report shit. Any legitimate job wouldn't ask the potential employee to run a credit check to give them, the company would just run a background check on the employee, which the employee would have to sign-off on anyways. So there can't be that many dumb fucks out there that are giving you all their information. Why can't you get a real job like everyone else. I mean damn, McDonald's is always hiring.

Hey Work-at Home Scams- I'm looking at you too. You play on people's love of working in their pajamas. You are sick twisted fuckers. Torturing us with the idea that we can work while eating ice cream and watching Maury at 11 am. Really, you should just have your hands cut off for that offense. It's worse than kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies.


Sincerely,
Job Hunters Everywhere

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I'm Gonna Accomplish Something Dammit!

So I've always had a problem feeling under-accomplished. I realize most of you are rolling your eyes in disgust at me right now. How can i feel under-accomplished? I have a Masters Degree, I wrote a 105 page thesis based on primary resources, I've ridden a 300ft skycoaster, I've adopted a dog (I've stolen another one), I've won a scholarship.... yeah i'm starting to annoy myself with this list. But at the end of the day I pretty much feel like a failure since i'm 26 single, living at home with my parents, and waiting tables. So it's an uphill battle with me daily.

Anyways, because i totally have this issue I have decided i am going to come up with 11 things i am going to do in 2011. Why?- So that i am focused on something and not my fricken pathetic life, you know? Plus, i figure one of these will end up badly which makes for great blog fodder.

11 things I'm going to do in 2011

1. Finish my novel- I started writing my novel a long long time ago (...in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack) but I got writers block and a plothole after 6 chapters and never fixed it. Time to change that
2. Crochet a blanket- Nixon and Kennedy destroyed my much loved crocheted blanket my mom gave me, so its about time for me to replace it.
3. Work on my French- thus far all i remember from my French Classes is food, time to at least learn body parts or something useful
4. Have a Real Relationship- 3 date minimum, which means i can't discuss postmodernism, Star Wars or my love of bad TV until date 4.
5. Vlog- I mean besides the Karoke Blog Ring of Death, which is going to be hilarious (accomplished 4/12)
   
6. Finish My To Be Read Challenge- Bonus points if i manage to finish 24 books this year!
7. Teach Nixon and Kennedy a new trick- cause they are supposed to be trained right?
8. Learn and Master a Difficult Recipe- like a souffle, or my grandma's chicken pot pie. This could go very very wrong.
9. Have a Giveaway on my blog- self explanatory (Accomplished 6/21)
10. Pay Off My Credit Card- The 500 dollar limit is much harder to pay off than you would expect (accomplished 5/20)
    

You will note there is not a number 11. Why?- Because i am going to let you, my faithful readers (all 10 of you) to decide what task #11 is going to be. Leave your ideas in the comments and i will start a poll and let you decide what i am going to do (within reason people). Get to work!

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SUNDAY PIC: Tattoo You

Please let me note that I have tattoos in two of these sections, and probably a third whenever i find the cash for it. And yes I pay taxes and have a job.


**Stolen from Graphjam

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Its Restaurant Wars Bitches!! (TC 8.7)

I had a bad feeling about this episode before it even aired. I mean restaurant wars is always rife with problems and personality clashes but i never expected such a blow away. But lets start at the beginning.

QUICKFIRE: The chefs were taken to Le Bernadin to watch Justo Thomas cut and portion fish in like groundbreaking time. I work at a fish restaurant and i watch the chefs butcher fish daily, Justo made it look easy. Anyways the chef's had ten minutes to butcher and portion a cod and a fluke. Which is a whole two minutes longer than it took Justo, meaning some poor suckers weren't going to finish.

Among the unfinishers was Hootie-Ho Carla who didn't even get through one fish, and other Tiffany who, although she works in a seafood restaurant, sliced her fish the wrong way. In the top was Pissed-Off Asian Dale, Professor Blais, Everyone Hates Marcel and Douchebag Mike.

The top four were given 45 minutes to make a dish from the un-portioned parts of the fish, basically all the shit you don't normally want to eat: the heads, fins, collars, etc.  At this point my mom goes "well Dale is going to win" cause you know he's Asian. Yes, its a little bit racist but hey he still won! For the record all 4 dishes sounded disgusting. I probably would have order Marcel's only because i didn't know any of the words he used in his dish.

ELIMINATION: It's Restaurant Wars Bitches! Because Dale won he got to choose the other team captain and since he hates Marcel and doesn't want to work with him, choosing him was the logical course of action. They divided up into teams like this:

• Team Marcel: Everyone Hates Marcel, Douchebag Mike, Russian Bride Angelo, Hand of Death Antonia, and Other Tiffany
• Team Dale: Pissed-Off Asian Dale, Professor Blais, Tre, Hootie-Ho Carla and Italian Sausage Fabio

From the outset I knew Marcel was doomed. He picked people not exactly known for working well together. In a twist, the diners would eat at both restaurants and decide the winner this time. By the time planning the menu had started Team Marcel was in the weeds. Marcel in his control freak ways was trying to dominate the discussion causing his teammates to get pissed off. Over on Team Dale, things were going swimmingly. Professor Blais seemed to be taking fun and quirky to a whole new level with ideas like Tuna in a Can.

Onto the actual competition: The chefs had to cook outside. Marcel tried to help his teammates and they didn't listen. He tried to lead the team (not in the nicest way) and they blew him off. It became apparent that Douchebag Mike was not going to listen to Marcel regardless of what he said. Antonia not so much either. But instead of just going with it Marcel tried harder to be bossy, which never makes the situation better. Other Tiffany floundered at front of the house, she tried- she just didn't know what she was doing. On the otherside, Fabio ran the best front of the house I have ever seen on Top Chef. I mean he made it look easy.

In a blow away only 17 out of 76 diners picked Team Marcel, making Team Dale the winner in a landslide. They called in Team Marcel to judges table and his team promptly threw him under the bus for not being a leader, which if he had tried to do and they had all blown him off.  But it didn't matter, he was team leader and he was bound to go home from the outset, which makes me sad because i love Marcel. He is an asshole and cocky but i still find him likeable, which is more than i can say for Douchebag Mike and Pissed-off Asian Dale.

I don't remember much from Judges table for the winners, I was too distracted by the funny wing things on Padma's shirt. I mean she either looked like she was trying to take flight, or make her shoulders look Dynasty-huge. Either way not a good look for her.

WINNER: Professor Blais

OUT: Everyone Hates Marcel (the Hand of Death Antonia Strikes Again)

**Quotable**

"I don't have time to bleed"- Italian Sausage Fabio

"If your redneck cousin won the lottery what would he do with his caviar- dip it in ranch dressing"- Professor Blais

"Prison breaks are organized with more efficiency and teamwork"- Anthony Bourdain

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Thanks Mom

So i have been bequeathed the Stylish Blogger award by Jen @ Fingerprints of Autism, who also happens to be my mom.

Yes, my mom is a blogger and yes she reads my blog. It doesn't really bother me too much. She says i am pretty much the same in real life as i am on my blog (read: a complete bitch). Plus, i am pretty much a walking, talking, taller, much hotter version of my mom anyways. Except I don't give two shits what people think about me, which people find to be very endearing somehow.

Anyways, you know the awards drill: You have to tell 7 facts about yourself (i am running out of facts here people) and then nominate bloggers for the award. So without further ado...

1. I was a bastard child (seriously, my mom was 16, my dad was 23)
2. I have 2 sisters named Hannah. My mom had one with my stepdad and my dad had one with my stepmom. It's like living on an episode of Pete & Pete people.
3. I used to have my belly-button pierced.
4. I have been through 6 different hurricanes. That's what you get when you live on the coast
5. I speak 3 languages: English, French and German, and I speak all 3 of them very very badly.
6. I really want one of these Twitter Necklaces.
7. I have always been a nerdy bookaholic. I am in love with the written word. I read just about everything I could get my hands on when i was a kid. Some of my favorite books are still the Babysitters Club, Sideways Stories from Wayside School and the Fudge books. I can't wait till my little sisters are older so that i can shower them in books.

Now for the part you have all been waiting for (or skipped down to) I pass this award too:

• Tudor Rose @ Tales of a Librarian
• Smooches @ Cruel Smooches
• Shelly @ Shelly's Musings
• Lor (and her imaginary friends Rox and Penny) @ Late to the Party
• Sassy Sassy @ Sassy Sassy and Cult Jam
• Penny Lane @ The Chronicles of a College Girl
• Tsa @ The Tsarista Sez

Go Forth and Prosper Bitches!

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SUNDAY PIC: Jazz Hands

So I couldn't decide on a Sunday Pic for this week, because i found two on ICanHasCheeseburger that were perfect. So I'm posting both, you can tell me which one you think is funnier.

Football A

Football B

** Disclaimer I did not take or caption these pics, because i am not that funny

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Fishing For a Win (TC 8.6)

Lets just start off by saying there was a lot of douchery on Top Chef this week. Everyone is hating on Jamie because she is still there and Casey is not. Everyone Hates Marcel and Pissed Off Asian Dale are having a bitch fight. Also I'm christening Jamie as Jamie-bitches-a-lot, she's like a doll nobody wanted. In fairness, Marcel is kind of an asshole. I find him an endearing asshole, but i could see how people wouldn't find him so endearing.

Moving on...

ELIMINATION: There was no quickfire this week instead all the chefs were divided into 4 teams of 3 and then sent fishing for 5 hours.Whatever fish they caught would then be used to cook for 200 people. To make matters worse it would be a double elimination. Teams were divided as such:

1. Pissed Off Asian Dale, Hootie-Ho Carla, and Tre
2. Douchebag Mike, Russian Bride Angelo, and Other Tiffany
3. Antonia, Jamie-bitches-a-lot, and Bitchy Tiffany
4. Professor Blais, Everyone Hates Marcel and Italian Sausage Fabio

Then went fishing. Teams 1 & 3 were on one boat, that managed to catch fish within the first 5 minutes out. Team 2 & 4 had a little less luck but eventually started catching fish. Fishing brought out all sorts of quirky things. Angelo won't go swimming in a pool because he's watched Jaws too many times. Dude, buy a life jacket and a pair of balls. Fabio and Dale discussed how their fathers were expert fishers. Fabio's dad was on the Italian national fishing team, leading me to ask "they have national fishing teams?" Do they have national procrastinating teams too? Cause i should be on the American team

Anyways the teams then cut up and cooked the fish. Members on teams 1 and 3 decided to make one dish a piece, where as team 2 (Mike, Angelo, Other Tiffany) opted to make 2 dishes and team 4 (Blais, Marcel, Fabio) opted to make one dish between the three of them. I knew one dish for 3 chefs was a bad idea. It was simply a case of too many chefs in one pot, ya know?

Ultimately teams 1 and 2 ended up in the top, with teams 3 and 4 in the bottom. The Judges loved Carla's bluefish lettuce wrap with bagel and horseradish, Dale's Fish Taco and Team 2's Striped bass with corn and tomato spice rub. Also, did anyone else notice that just about everyone used the same ingredients? It was like all the teams used corn, tomatoes, watermelon and some sort of fish.  Carla should have won simply for having something different.

Conversely, teams 3 and 4 floundered (flounder, like the fish? I crack myself up sometimes). The Judges felt team 4's bass was overworked. They loved Antonia's porgy po-boy (we have porgy at my restaurant, I know that fish well) and should would have won if she hadn't been on a sinking ship with Bitchy Tiffany and Jamie. I have to give props to Antonia she did not throw her teammates under the bus, even though the judges were practically begging her too.

WINNER: Hootie-Ho Carla

OUT: Jamie-bitches-a-lot and Bitchy Tiffany

**Quotables**

"Marcel is kind of an asshole"- Tre

"Sitting in Marcel's lap, holding his rod"- Professor Blias

"This is psychological warfare"- Italian Sausage Fabio

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You Get More Flies with Honey...

....Well then what does it take to get successful, educated, attractive men? Do i need to cover myself in coffee to get my ideal guy? I mean ranch dressing attracts rednecks, soy sauce attracts Asians, bagels with cream cheese attracts New Yorkers and the Jewish. Currently the only thing my VS Love Spell Perfume is attracting is guys who want to fuck me. Love Spell must be code for "Horny co-eds who know the way to a girl's pants is through vodka." I know that half the problem is me. I attract the type of guy who just wants to fuck me. I'm not sure what it is about my personality that does this; It could be my overwhelming bitchiness that runs other guys off, or my constant mention of how awesome my tits are, or some other neurotic tendency of mine. 

Don't get me wrong, its nice to know that if i ever needed to get laid I have a laundry list of guys i could call. But everyone once and awhile I think "gee it would be nice to actually go out on a real date." You know actually get dressed up, have those butterflies and be taken out like the real princess i am. Actually, i'd probably prefer drinking and bowling to dinner and a movie but that's neither here nor there.

 In marginally related news: 20 something bloggers is holding nominations for there 2011 Bootleg awards and the my little kumquat Nugs (who totally validates my existence, without her and nips no one would know who i am) nominated me for Sexiest Blogger. Lets be clear, Sexiest blogger is the only thing i would be able to even compete for. My bloggy friends are so totes awesome, I pale in comparison. But since i did get nommed for this I feel like i have to validate that i am actually sexy.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Not Sexy enough for you? How about this:

Okay, you caught me. Exhibit D is not actually me, but that's only because all pictures of me vomiting have been burned on the offhand chance I marry a senator. You know I don't want to fuck up his political career and all. I can so be a Jackie Kennedy, lets just hope those partially naked pictures of me never surface. Yes, i'm joking (No, i'm really not).

Anyways I will leave you with this tidbit: I was talking to one of my coworkers and she told me about the time she was sitting on her boyfriends face, peed in his mouth (on accident), he swallowed it and said it tasted like beer. Okay, that's true love and totally fucked up. I don't think i am ever going to be able to look at them without cracking up.

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SUNDAY PIC: Retarded Squirrel

 

Win. I know people who type like this and it makes me want to punch puppies, or teach them remedial English.

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Dim Sum, Lose Sum (TC 8.5)

Another week, another devastating elimination on Top Chef. It's like all the rootable people are going first this season, but I digress.

QUICKFIRE: Make a dish faster than Tom Colicchio, which is almost impossible. Tom comes in and makes a dish (which looked incredible) in 8 minutes and 37 seconds. I can't even make toast in 8 minutes and 37 seconds. Further proof that i will never be a chef in any real capacity.  Anyways all the chefs scramble to get ingredients and start cooking but that Wiley Everyone Hates Marcel went and grabbed the fish Tom used in his dish, therefore avoiding the pile-up at the fridge. 8 minutes and 37 seconds later everyone's dishes were finished. Pissed Off Asian Dale, Jamie and Russian Bride Angelo ended up in the bottom, and Douchebag Mike, Professor Blais and Everyone Hates Marcel in the top. Douchebag Mike won and got immunity and a new car. That's pretty damn good for a dish that took less time than most people take to shower.

ELIMINATION: This has to be the scariest elimination challenge i have ever seen. Work as a team to several several types of Dim Sum to locals in China Town during the lunch rush. OMG, I have never seen so many scary Asian people at one time. No wonder Dale is pissed off all the time. Anyways, Douchebag Mike does something I think is very gracious and offers to Expo since he has immunity. Jamie, who doesn't cook anything ever apparently, refuses to run the front of the house and Carla and Casey ultimately volunteer.

Then the chefs go to a market in Chinatown where no one speaks English, which was hilarious. Casey got chicken feet which i immediately knew was a mistake and disgusting.Italian Sausage Fabio got choked up when he saw that the market sold turtles for turtle soup, since apparently he has a pet turtle that is his princess. Okay, how fricking adorable is Fabio? I want to like marry him, or clone him, or just listen to him talk for hours on end. Then they were off to the Chinese restaurant where the chefs were super cramped in tiny spaces and didn't have normal cooking supplies. The oven wouldn't go up above 300 degrees and there was no regular stove-tops, just woks.

Then food never came out to the angry Chinese people waiting for food. It was a first class Clusterfuck. What little food did came out of the kitchen went straight to the judges and there were some really angry Asian people looking like they were going to start a bitch fight if they didn't get fed soon. The chefs just didn't have a sense of urgency about them, they were more worried about plating and styling. Dude, as a waitress i know one thing: It doesn't matter what it looks like as long as it tastes good. The chefs, however, forgot this vital ingredient and the judges were less than pleased. I seriously thought there wouldn't even be a winner and that they would all have to go to judges table for elimination.

But alas, I was wrong. Hootie-Ho Carla, Antonia, Jamie, Tre and Casey were called in for elimination. Antonia was spared because she made a fairly decent shrimp toast, but was knocked for doing a horrid green bean dish with Jamie. Jamie was also knocked for doing a scallop pot sticker/ravioli thing. Tre did this orange soup desert thing that essentially melted. Carla's spring rolls looked more appetizing than it was and Casey's chicken feet were cooked wrong, mostly by Antonia because Casey was off working the floor. In Fairness, I wanted Jamie gone but i understood why they kicked off Casey. Her chicken feet were left by 3/4th of the customers. Inedible tops sucky but can still be digested.

On the Top were Pissed Off Asian Dale, Italian Sausage Fabio, Other Tiffany, and Russian Bride Angelo. Fabio had the first top chef miracle when his short ribs came out perfect from an oven that didn't go over 300 degrees. The judges loved Dale's sticky rice, which an Asian losing an Asian challenge would just be wrong.

WINNER: Pissed Off Asian Dale

OUT: Casey

**Quotables**

"Some form of Chef's Tourette's"- Antonia

"We're going to go into Cardiac arrest if we have to cook at his speed"- Angelo

"I'm a 36DD if i didn't wear bras you would have been hurt in the quickfire today"- Bitchy Tiffany

"When I move to US I bought  tutle, she's a little princess"- Fabio

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TBR Challenge 2011

So way back in 2009, I tried to do the To Be Read Challenge. Basically what you do is pick 12 books to read in a year. Reading 12 books in a year has never been a challenge for me before but in 2009 I was in grad school and once classes started in the fall I couldn't find the time to finish the last 2 books. But this year is going to be different. With no Grad School to get in my way, I should be able to finish well under time. So here is my list for 2011.

• January- The Orchid Affair by Lauren Willing
• February- Confessions of a Rebel Debutante by Anna Fields
• March- She Went All the Way By Meg Cabot
• April- Bulletproof Mascara by Bethany Maines
• May- My Fair Lazy by Jen Lancaster
• June- Are You There Vodka, Its me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
• July- Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler
• August- Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
• September- Compact with the Devil by Bethany Maines
• October- A Beautiful Blue Death by Charles Finch
• November-Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris
• December-Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

And my List of Alternates:

• The September Society by Charles Finch
• The Fleet Street Murders by Charles Finch
• Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster
• A Little Bit Wicked by Kristen Chenowith 
• Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley

If you feel compelled to sign up yourself, a complete set of rules and sign-up link can be found here

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Chipmunk faces, Fictional Relationships and the Return of Meat Hole Guy

So I'm gonna like Danaconda this post (meaning i'm going to just write random shit and hope it all flows together. If you don't read Dan's blog you should totes start, unless you know you don't like hearing about penis and housing it every 4 words.) because there is a lot of shit going on in my life right now but almost none of it goes together in any way.

First off, you should know i'm sick. In fact my whole family is sick. Baby sis has sounded like Baby Darth Vader for like 2 weeks now. I'm just waiting for her start choking my mom with her mind when she doesn't get her a bottle fast enough. We finally took baby sis to the doctors, apparently she has whooping cough. She's going to survive, it just going to suck to be her for like the next month.

Anyways i'm sick in my typical way. I have really bad allergies and sinus problems, so like once or twice a year i develop a sinus infection that ends up draining into my maxillary sinus. Lot of fancy words later: basically my right jaw is swollen and i look like a chipmunk harvesting for winter on one side of my face. Which is both hilarious and totally fucked up. I'm ready to hack off the right side of my face because of it. Otherwise I have been popping Ibuprofen like they are M&M's. And to be honest this is a great way to diet since i can't open my mouth wide enough to get in anything that isn't in puree form. I actually had to cut a cheeseburger and eat it with a fork.

And since I don't want to deprive my readers of any of the shenanigans going on in my life. You should know that i am somehow in two relationships at work that i don't know anything about. One of our cooks decided I am dating one of food runners/expo guys. Which would be all well and good if you know it was true, and i wasn't like way too hot for this guy. Apparently I met my future in-laws over Christmas, there are pictures and everything! According to the cook, the fictional in-laws really liked me, which is good cause i would hate to be unliked by these people. I'm betting I will be fictionally knocked up by Valentines days.  Who wants to start picking out baby names?

My New Years was relatively quite. I worked till 11 o'clock and then rushed to a bar to ring in the New Year with two of my hot female coworkers, Jules and Beth (names have been changed to protect the innocent). The highlight of my night, besides watching New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys singing together was having this text exchange with Meathole Guy:

Meathole Guy: I want your pussy right now
Me: Aren't you in Michigan?
Meathole Guy: No, I've been drinking since 8
Me: Are you in Myrtle Beach?
Meathole Guy: I'm in east Lansing, Michigan

Sometimes i don't know what i am going to do with this boy. Happy New Years Bitches!

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SUNDAY PIC: Year in Review (Part 2)

So I wait for JibJab's Year in Review video every year. As soon as December hits I start checking the site like once a week. I always find them to be super entertaining. This year was no exception:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

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