Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Why Your Online Dating Emails Suck (Part 2)

So some time ago circa July 2010 I wrote a blog telling people why their online dating emails suck in the hopes that people would stop sending out sucky messages. Unfortunately people have not heeded my advice and the emails have gotten worse, also so have the profiles. So in the spirit of Christmas, pull up a chair and I will help the needy know why they suck again.

 1. If something like this is written on your profile:
~#Dating site logic dictates that the women on this site have no time for an intelligent and hard working guy so carry on elsewhere ;)#~
Nothing about that sentence makes me want to message you. It screams "Bitter party of one right here." Lets just insult every woman on the site, that's going to guarantee you get laid right? Listen, dating fuck sucks. There is a lot of rejection and women are bitches and men are just out to screw you.  But you can't say that in a dating profile! Also you can't say this either:
Hey any keepers out there? Why is dating in [redacted] so hard!? I hate Fake people!!! I'm not into plus size girls No Drama or games please
Wow, there is so much wrong in those sentences I don't know where to begin. Obviously there are no keepers out there or at least ones that aren't up to his standards. Also this is all his profile says. He doesn't say anything about  why he's single or what he does for hobbies or why he's a great guy. He's too busy judging women as fake or drama queens to actually you know have a coherent thought about himself. No girl is going to read this and think "I want to know him better." Also the random capitalization just makes me want to shank him.

2. Your using your cellphone/mirror to take a picture of yourself:

This guarantees I will not respond to a guy's message. First of all, dumbassess, if you own a camera that was made post 2001 it has a self-timer function on it. Learn how to use it, love it, because it will make you look like less of a dumbass. Nothing is more retarded looking than seeing someone's phone/camera in a picture of them. I don't even pay attention to the person's face in these pictures. I'm too busy playing "guess that model of phone."

Also all it does is suggest to me that you don't have any friends to take your picture. Because if you own a cellphone or camera and you have friends, 10-1 some drunk female friend of yours is going to be all "OMG lets take a picture!!!" How do I know this? Because I'm female and I have those drunks friends, and nobody leaves their house without a phone.

3. Your message contains less than 4 words in it:

Yesterday alone, I received 4 messages that didn't have a complete sentence in it. "Hey" and "Whats up" are not proper messages. All that suggests is that these men took one look at my picture and thought "I'd probably bang her" and sent me a message. Listen boys I'm not going to put in any more effort than you did. I quickly clicked delete and moved on with my life. Next time try reading the girls profile and picking out something interesting about her and then send a message with a question in it. Girls love talking about themselves, give them a reason to.

Also "You're pretty, wanna chat?" is also not going to illicit a response except for me to go take anti-nausea medicine so I don't vomit all over myself. I don't want to chat with you assholes, I don't even know you. And frankly if thats the most scintillating conversation you can muster, you won't last 3 seconds in a chat room with me.
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