Friday, June 3, 2011

SMAC: What A Whore

It's time for another installment of Shitty Movie Awareness Club and I'm supa supa excited to be getting my homegirl Nyx on my blog. She's my favorite adorable Delawarean. She's taking on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which is totally overdue to be mocked. I'm up on Serenity Now, Insanity Later doing one of the silliest movies from the 90's BeBe's Kids. Anyways take it away Nyx: 

So for this month’s movie ring, we’re doing animated tales. And I get to be on Tit’s blog. ZOMG. *jackpot*

Oh yea. And I’m Nyx, from at Notions. Check me out. Or not. Whatevs.

So I chose to review a movie that, even when I was little, thought was stupid. I’m reviewing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Yep. I’m attacking a Disney classic, bunnies and little men and all. Bonus points if y’all can name the Dwarfs. Without Googling it.

So here’s the skinny: Snow White’s evil stepmother married her father, the king, and (seriously, it is ALWAYS the stepmother) is also apparently a narcissistic freak who stares in the mirror all day long (this sounds like me). Although, it’s not just any ordinary mirror. Apparently it’s a magic mirror.

Seriously, if I had a magic mirror I totes wouldn’t be using it to tell whether or not I was the prettiest in all the land. Nope. I’d totally be spying on…everyone. Wait. I’m beginning to see a parallel with facebook…..

Anyways, this mirror tells the Queen that Ms. White is the fairest in all the land. Boo. Yah.

The Queen orders a huntsman to kill Snow White. However, apparently they just don’t make huntsmen like they used to, because this guy apparently has issues with killing an innocent child. So he lets her run free. Which is where the seven dwarfs come in. Snow comes across their cottage and they allow her to live there. She cooks, and cleans, and I presume performs sexual favors.




Yep. I went there.

Of course, this doesn’t trick facebook the magic mirror. Mr. Tattle-tale mirror tells the Queen that her beloved step-daughter is still alive, and yes, she’s still prettier, so neener neener neener.

So, the Queen gets it in her head that she personally needs to kill Snow White. Y’know the saying. If you want something done right, do it yourself. It’s a cliché because it’s true. So the Queen, after a heavy dosing of narcotics (I presume), grabs an apple and poisons it. She also dresses like a hag and shuffles her way to the dwarfs’ cottage, gives Snow White the apple, which successfully poisons the young princess.





Wait. Hold the phone. Maybe it’s the times I live in, but if some dirty old hag gave me an apple, I’d be all “ew.” I don’t know where that shit has been, y’know? I mean, it could have tuberculosis on it or some shit like that. No thankyou.

Anyways, the little twit eats the apple, is poisoned, and falls into an eternal sleep. The Dwarfs, upset as they are over the loss of their prostitute, chase the Queen up onto a cliff…which is then struck by lightning and she falls to her death.

Oh, and some random prince comes by, kisses the twit Snow White, and she is revived. Happy ever fucking after.

Moral of the story:

Don’t fuck with dwarfs. Especially old, sexually deprived ones.

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