Tuesday, May 3, 2011

SMAC: Time to Spice Up Your Life

Sorry for the delay, there was much confusion on who i was posting this month for Shitty Movie Awareness Club (yep, Nugs finally decided on the name I have been using anyways). But I got my favorite sexy Irish Blogger Harley from No Pressure, No Diamonds. In honor of coercing Mandy Moore into joining the club, we opted to review shitty Pop Star movies. I choose Jessica Simpson fucking up Dukes of Hazzard which you can find on Nyx's blog. Harley has opted to mock one of the most mockable movies ever: Spice World. So take it away Harley:

This is my first time reviewing a shit movie (although I have been known to livetweet quite a few), and when I got the topic for the month, I was excited.
Movies with pop stars? That is a veritable goldmine of shit movies. There's The Last Song, Chasing Liberty, A Walk To Remember, Crossroads... The list goes on. And on. And on. It's like it's written into singers' contracts to star in at least one appalling movie marketed solely at teenage girls within their lifespan at the top of the charts.

I decided to do Spice World mostly because I wanted to be Ginger Spice when I was a young 'un and also partly because it harks back to a time when Victoria Beckham would say things like "hold onto your knickers girls", which of course she would never say now because she's far too much of a lady. Also it has FIVE pop stars instead of just one, which makes it five times as awesome. 

Spice World is about (you may want to sit down for this) the Spice Girls. And The Spice Girls - in case you drank too much as a baby, passed out and missed the whole of the nineties (hey, it happens) - were an extremely popular girl group from England who sang such unforgettable hits as 'Wannabe' and '2Become1'. Yes? Remember them? Good, then I'll continue.

In 1997, they made a movie about the band and their personal problems and their upcoming concert in London's Royal Albert Hall. There is so much win in this movie that the one thing I can say to condense the awesomeness into one line is: Meat Loaf is the driver of their double-decker Union Jack bus. 

Yes. Meat Loaf. Why? Who the fuck knows.

The girls - Victoria Beckham neƩ Adams sans the cat-arse pout she adopted in later years, Emma Bunton looking like a jailbait teenager with daddy issues, Melanie C with her fresh-off-the-council-estate pickpocket chic look, Melanie B with the obvious references to wild animals (when is she not in animal print?) and Geri Halliwell looking like a white chola - are happy being the most famous band except that their manager is a dick, the papparazzi are relentless, they never have time to see their ONE FRIEND Nicola, there are a lot of dream sequences and for some reason somebody tacks a bomb onto the bottom of their bus.

Which I guess isn't that much of a stretch. I'm sure there were plenty of people who would have liked to see the Spice Girls go up in a blaze of fire and disgust. Mostly teenage boys.
Naturally, this movie makes not one sweet ounce of fucking sense. I mean, it's about the Spice Girls, and was never marketed as being about anything more substantial than OMFG SEEING THE SPICE GIRLS SING AT THE END, so there's no reason to expect anything more. There are parts that will amaze you - mostly anytime Victoria Beckham cracks a smile - but in general it's just good guilty shitty fun. With platform boots. And really, there's nothing better than some badass platforms. When are they coming back into fashion? Pretty sure I still have mine somewhere...

The best way to watch this movie is with a hefty amount of a certain green substance in your system. Even if only to keep up with the dream sequences and direct you back to your youth down the yellow brick road of "Spice Up Your Life".

Watching this made me nostalgic. There were so many terrible jokes that were then laboriously explained probably because the makers wanted the seven year old girls in the audience to be able to keep up. It was fantastic. It was a fantastic clusterfuck of awful hilarity. If you feel like revisiting your youth, or if you have nothing better to do and feel like exercising your eyeballs with a lot of primary colours, or even if you just want to see Victoria Beckham act as a human and not the cylon she has so clearly become, you should watch this movie.

And now I leave you to go dream about primary colours, girls in babydolls sucking lollipops, crotch skimming minidresses and platform boots.

Watch it, laugh (possibly cry at the lame jokes), then watch it again and wonder what you've done wrong in your life that you don't own your own custom-paint-job double-decker bus.

Irish Spice

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