Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Birth of Tits (Part 2)

How cute was I?
When we left off my 16 year old mother's water had just broke...

Some time later, my mom and grandparents arrived at the hospital and let the doctors take over. Somehow in all this commotion, my mom managed to call my twenty-two year old father to tell him that his daughter was being born. How she did this before the invention of the cellphone is still a mystery to me because my dad is notoriously hard to track down. He’s the kind of guy you send to the store to get milk and he comes back three hours later with milk and 3 live chickens. He's a bit of a whack-a-doodle and totally a dirty hippie. (UPDATE: according to my mom he showed up at the house sometime after her water broke)

So my mom is in labor at the hospital and my dad is driving to meet her, when he stops at a bar to tell his buddies that my mom is in labor. I don’t really understand the thought process that suggests stopping into a bar to announce a child’s birth is good idea when said mother is being knocked out with anesthesia, but hey this is my dad we are talking about. He's that guy.

So he’s at a bar announcing and of course his buddies want to buy him a drink to celebrate, then another, then a round of shots and well you get the picture. Several drinks and hours later he stumbles out of the bar and manages to make it to the hospital. But of course, it’s so late/early that the hospital doors are locked and everyone has to enter the hospital through the emergency room entrance.

Meanwhile my mother is in labor in the operating room FREAKING OUT. She's got the nurses looking for my dad; she's got the hospital paging my dad. She's totally alone knocked up on anesthesia having me.

My drunken father never gets the memo about the hospital doors because my grandparents/mother couldn’t get a hold of him to alert him of this (its the 1980s yo). So he sleeps in his car until morning when the hospital doors open up. Thus missing my birth entirely. I was obviously a special child right?

He doesn't even show up until the next day. My mom had surgery, went through recovery and was already taking visitors when my dad showed up hungover. The whole room was full of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc when my dad shows looking like a sad sack holding a green garbage bag of roses (he didn't want to spill the water from the vase or some shit). Can you say awkward?

Coming Up: You're not fucking naming my kid that
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