Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Don't Poke the Serial Killers

This is an actual message sent to me on Okcupid (for the record this site is a blogging goldmine, which is 3/4ths of the reason i keep an account, cause i sure as hell haven't met any guys off it yet):

Hi there. My name is {redacted} and I am a white guy who lives in {Redacted}, SC. I saw your profile and I really like everything I see and read on there. I am in an open relationship, however, mine is a little complicated. I am dating a wonderful woman who happens to want me to be with other women. She has some emotional and intimacy issues and mentally cannot handle having sex with anyone. Light kissing, hugs & occasional hand holding is about the only physical contact she can handle. Anyways, Here is the main reason I am writing you. We are going to be taking a trip to Myrtle Beach {redacted} for as a late Birthday getaway for me. My girl has a fantasy about watching me with another woman while she "hides" and enjoys the show. I know this is a little weird and all but I like the way you describe yourself and how you look in the photos and I would love it if you would consider joining us for a night of fun. I hope to hear back from you. Take care,

PS. in case you look over my profile and it reads as single, it is because not too many people are open minded about dating a guy who has a girlfriend who wants him to sleep around...

Okay, lets start off with the obvious, who the fuck sends this kind of message? In what planet is it okay to send a completely random girl a message asking her to prostitute herself out for free because your girlfriend has "emotional intimacy issues" (read: doesn't actually exist). Furthermore, nothing in my profile suggests i would in any way game for this. Unless the term "History Nerd" is now code for sexually adventurous.  Oh, and no problem let me check your profile, which comes with a picture so i already know you are a white male, idiot, but thanks for reminding me in case your just really an albino black guy. Hrm... you list yourself as a "sexual deviant" well obviously since you are  fucking a blow up doll "dating" a girl with intimacy issues so no blowjobs for you. This was my reply to him:
I don't know what in your right mind would possess you to send this to me. There is nothing about my profile that suggests i would in any way be game for this nonsense.

Frankly I think you're a serial killer, get professional help.

Okay I know i shouldn't poke the serial killers but seriously, I don't think this guy has any fucking clue how insulting his message was. I'm sorry when did Okcupid become a place to randomly get hookers, because i'm insulted at the implication that i would sleep with some random guy i have never met before. Thats certainly safe behavior.

Oh his response...
All you had to do was like the others who aren't interested. All you had to do was say "thanks for the compliment and for thinking of me but no thank you I am not into this kind of thing." there was no need to be rude or insulting to a serious attempt at flattery.

This was supposed to be flattering? And no Creepy McSerial Killer, a no thanks would not suffice in this instance. When you treat someone like they are a hooker for hire, a no thanks is not fucking good enough. Want to flatter me? Tell me i'm smart or interesting or at least look at my fucking profile and pick something out. Also, this makes it totally obvious he was sending this message to several girls in the hopes that some girl with low self-esteem and body image,  poor soul would take pity on his woe-is-me situation and pity fuck him before he strangles her and dumps her body into the ocean.

How do these people find me?
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