Thursday, March 3, 2011

The End of Meathole Guy

So i have been debating on whether or not to post this story on the blog, because i find it super embarrassing. But then i remembered that Mandy Moore told the story of how she lost her virginity on a Disney cruise and then i didn't feel so bad about it. Plus it feels wrong to not explain why Meathole guy will no longer be making appearances on my blog. For those of you who are not longtime readers i refer you to Meet Meathole Guy and The Return of Meathole guy.

So for most of December and January I got texts from Meathole guy about coming to visit and needing me and all that other nonsense guys tell you that is really code for "dammit I want sexy time now!" Finally towards the end of January I decided to go up to Grad School Town and get my winter clothes out of storage. Since its kind of a suck drive and i can't see several of my Grad School friends during the day, I opted to stay the night with Meathole guy.

Big Mistake.

So i show up and I was pleasantly surprised at first. Meathole guy actually had furniture in his apartment, like an actual couch and bed. Granted the bed was a twin mattress and on the floor, but it was a step-up from the air mattress he has been sleeping on (we always had sex at my apartment during grad school). Anyways we talked for a couple hours and i busted his balls a little and then we got down to sexy time.

Now normally Meathole guy isn't one for foreplay. His idea of foreplay is to play with my tits for 20 minutes, but for a change the foreplay was actually pretty good. I mean we were getting pretty hot there and I had hickeys from my neck to my tits to prove it. (Sidenote: who leaves hickeys anymore? As my Ex- future husband said when i told him this story "that just seems like he was trying to brand you, what are we in high school?") I'm going to save you the details here but the short version is the condom broke and he tried to play it off like it didn't happen. Of course, I caught on and slammed on the brakes because
  1. I don't want no fucking kids right now. 
  2. I don't want kids with anyone i call Meathole guy   
  3. I don't want no fucking kids right now!
Now 4 hours prior to my arrival I had texted Meathole guy and asked if he needed me to pick up condoms to which he replied that he had it covered. But i guess covered meant he had one, because 12:30 at night I sent him out to buy condoms.

and i waited....

and waited....

and read a book...

and waited....

and took a nap....

and at 2:30 am, two hours later I finally texted him, because at this point i thought the worst. He was either in a ditch somewhere, or got into a car accident or arrested. I mean Grad School Town is fairly small it takes 10 minutes to get to walmart.

Where was he?

At his friends apartment (the guy lives on the 1st floor of the same building)....

... watching Piranhas.

Has that sunk in yet?

No?

Maybe now?

Still not?

Okay?

So yes, Meathole guy left me half-naked in his bed waiting for him to return for more sexy time to watch these creepy little boogers:
Seriously, WTF?

Who leaves a hot half-naked chick in there bed for 3 hours to watch a crappy B-movie with his buddies?  Way to make me feel unattractive, unwanted and bad in bed all in one fell swoop. So yeah I promptly went to sleep because by this time i wanted to forget this night ever happened. Meathole guy rolled in an hour later and crashed out next to me. To add insult to injury, he declined on morning sex the next morning too.

My Ego= broken into a million little pieces.

I had to call my ex's (who i am still facebook friends with) to make sure i wasn't bad in bed and didn't know it. They assured me i wasn't, Meathole guy assured me i wasn't. I'm still not really sure i believe any of them. Meathole guy didn't even have a good excuse either. He wasn't drunk or getting high. He just decided that after texting me for 2 months, an hour of foreplay and 15 minutes of actual sex that he just didn't want anymore that night.... or he forgot i was there. I don't know what happens in his head.

So yeah his fucking rights have been terminated. If this didn't do it, the fact that he has a kid he neglected to tell me about the entire time i have been sleeping with him (started on-and-off in october of 2009) would have done it for him.

Where the fuck do i find these guys?

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