Wednesday, February 2, 2011

SMAC: Nugs Fucks a Movie

So I joined (was coerced) into doing a Movie Review Ring by my partner-in-crime/lesbian lover Nugs from That Ain't Kosher. We are doing awful romantic comedies this month cause you know its February.  Anyways, I'm hosting Nugs here and my review can be found at Shelly's Musings. So Enjoy.

Take it away Nugs:

Hey, guys. Welcome to the second installment of the Horrible Movie Massacre. Yeah, I never took the time to come up with a creative title. This time around, in honor of Valentine's Day, we're all reviewing hilariously bad romantic comedies. So, basically, romantic comedies. 

This month, I get the real kick in the ass of sharing a blog with Coyote Rose twice- she'll be posting her Karaoke Ring of Death video for me next week. That is super awesome because I've been waiting for an excuse to go halfsies with her for a while, and now we get to rock your bodies two times in a week's span. 

Did I just make a Justin Timberlake reference? I am very, very sorry. 

BTW, you can read McGriddle Pants' review on my page here.

So the movie I chose to watch was Valentine's Day. I knew that it would most likely be really, really awful, but as the creator of this blogring I decided to sacrifice my dignity for all of you. <3 

Jesus, this wasn't even funny bad. It's up there with Twilight as the worst film ever. EVER. I wanted to download videos of adorable baby ducks being sacrificed to lions just so I'd have something else to look at. I mean, I'm not a romantic comedy fan to begin with so I expected to hate this movie, but OH MY GOD. A porno starring my grandparents would have been less scarring than this pile of shit. 

So, I essentially forced myself to sit through a film where the main character is the most annoying holiday of the calendar year, with probably the most obnoxious cast ever assembled. Valentine's Day features at least ten people that make me mentally violent. Here's the IMDB link so you can get a look at the cast and share my pain.

There are a shit-ton of major issues that I took offense to, but here are the worst:

-Taylor Swift bothers the fuck out of me. Her voice sucks, her lyrics are trivial and inane and HOLY HELL does she have a giant head. Taylor Swift's head is so huge and ridiculous that if an alien and a praying mantis had a baby, she would eat it. It's bad enough everyone loves all her stupid songs but now I have to look at her in TWO mediums? Is there no escape? Next you'll tell me that Justin Bieber wrote a book. Oh, wait...

I'm going back to sleep.

-That 4-year-old from Twilight with the weird face is in this movie, too. I LOATHE everything connected to Twilight, except for the terrible reviews. And the machine gun I will use on all the actors, writers, and everyone involved with the creation of that horrific abortion.

My only comfort is the fact that everything these kids do outside of Twilight is horribly panned and makes nine dollars at the box office, so chances are that they will have no careers once that shitshow is over.

-Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg from Mike and Mike In the Morning are the radio announcers. Are you serious??? I know it's important to hit a different demographic every so often, but this is just shameful. 


-The one redeeming quality that I was looking forward to was the casting of Bradley Cooper, who's pretty hot and usually a reliable comic relief. However, all his scenes were with fucking Julia "Ponymouth" Roberts, and the writers neglected to give him any shirtless parts, so that was a total wasted opportunity. However, Eric Dane is in a towel, so there's a plus. From the neck down, he is a YES PLEASE. 

The entire storyline with those two characters pissed me off. Why have a gay couple in there if you're not going to focus on it at all? "We're so edgy; we'll have some gay guys up in here. And oh, there's their two seconds. Back to the Horse Face." 

Not to mention Eric Dane's character (whose name I forget, because I'm trying to block out the entire film) is a professional NFL player, so chances are that he would not live in LA, seeing as how the team closest to them is two hours away in San Diego. Of course, women that watch this movie aren't supposed to know that, because this is the most cliched, sophomoric, redundant piece of crap I have ever encountered in my life. I wanted to slowly peel off my own skin just to have another activity to engage in. 

Oh right, Valentine's Day takes place in LA, as if I didn't have enough reasons to be repelled by this movie.

-There's this one part where Jr. Ponymouth tells the old people that she wants to bone her boyfriend for the first time. Tell me on what logical plane of existence would you discuss your sex life with the grandparents of the kid you babysit for? Where and when does that make any sense? 

-Oh God, the Ponymouth Laugh. Like nails on a chalkboard. There it is.

-No guy anywhere, ever, would act like this. There's a scene where Eric from That 70's Show finds out that Anne Hathaway (no nickname for her, because I like her and I've been told we look alike) is a phone sex operator after they've been dating for like five seconds. So he freaks and dumps her. Then he feels bad, so he pastes together a creepy collage of the two of them and waits outside her window with Sadeyes. AND SHE DOESN'T CALL SECURITY.

WHAT THE FUCK? That's only acceptable when I did this to Coyote last week. Love you...

The main problem with this movie (besides the fact that it is a steaming pile of FAIL) is that they were so desperate to cram all these "A-list" celebrities into the cast that the writers forgot to actually develop the characters. I didn't give a rat's ass what happened to anyone, unless they all met (un)timely deaths. The 30 seconds where Ponymouth's plane hit turbulence were the thirty seconds I gleefully enjoyed because I thought it might crash. No such luck, though. 

BTW, the "plot twist" with the Grey's Anatomy dude is SO predictable. I saw that coming even before the big setup. 

I have never ached so hard for the ending of a film in my life. This movie succeeded in making me feel stereotypical, screechy and bitchy because it gave me heinous cramps and made me really want to hurt someone. 

I think I'll go watch Reservoir Dogs.


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