Tuesday, January 11, 2011

You Get More Flies with Honey...

....Well then what does it take to get successful, educated, attractive men? Do i need to cover myself in coffee to get my ideal guy? I mean ranch dressing attracts rednecks, soy sauce attracts Asians, bagels with cream cheese attracts New Yorkers and the Jewish. Currently the only thing my VS Love Spell Perfume is attracting is guys who want to fuck me. Love Spell must be code for "Horny co-eds who know the way to a girl's pants is through vodka." I know that half the problem is me. I attract the type of guy who just wants to fuck me. I'm not sure what it is about my personality that does this; It could be my overwhelming bitchiness that runs other guys off, or my constant mention of how awesome my tits are, or some other neurotic tendency of mine. 

Don't get me wrong, its nice to know that if i ever needed to get laid I have a laundry list of guys i could call. But everyone once and awhile I think "gee it would be nice to actually go out on a real date." You know actually get dressed up, have those butterflies and be taken out like the real princess i am. Actually, i'd probably prefer drinking and bowling to dinner and a movie but that's neither here nor there.

 In marginally related news: 20 something bloggers is holding nominations for there 2011 Bootleg awards and the my little kumquat Nugs (who totally validates my existence, without her and nips no one would know who i am) nominated me for Sexiest Blogger. Lets be clear, Sexiest blogger is the only thing i would be able to even compete for. My bloggy friends are so totes awesome, I pale in comparison. But since i did get nommed for this I feel like i have to validate that i am actually sexy.
Exhibit A

Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Not Sexy enough for you? How about this:

Okay, you caught me. Exhibit D is not actually me, but that's only because all pictures of me vomiting have been burned on the offhand chance I marry a senator. You know I don't want to fuck up his political career and all. I can so be a Jackie Kennedy, lets just hope those partially naked pictures of me never surface. Yes, i'm joking (No, i'm really not).

Anyways I will leave you with this tidbit: I was talking to one of my coworkers and she told me about the time she was sitting on her boyfriends face, peed in his mouth (on accident), he swallowed it and said it tasted like beer. Okay, that's true love and totally fucked up. I don't think i am ever going to be able to look at them without cracking up.


All of these stories are mine except the ones that aren't. Pictures are property of their creators. Powered by Blogger.