Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Chipmunk faces, Fictional Relationships and the Return of Meat Hole Guy

So I'm gonna like Danaconda this post (meaning i'm going to just write random shit and hope it all flows together. If you don't read Dan's blog you should totes start, unless you know you don't like hearing about penis and housing it every 4 words.) because there is a lot of shit going on in my life right now but almost none of it goes together in any way.

First off, you should know i'm sick. In fact my whole family is sick. Baby sis has sounded like Baby Darth Vader for like 2 weeks now. I'm just waiting for her start choking my mom with her mind when she doesn't get her a bottle fast enough. We finally took baby sis to the doctors, apparently she has whooping cough. She's going to survive, it just going to suck to be her for like the next month.

Anyways i'm sick in my typical way. I have really bad allergies and sinus problems, so like once or twice a year i develop a sinus infection that ends up draining into my maxillary sinus. Lot of fancy words later: basically my right jaw is swollen and i look like a chipmunk harvesting for winter on one side of my face. Which is both hilarious and totally fucked up. I'm ready to hack off the right side of my face because of it. Otherwise I have been popping Ibuprofen like they are M&M's. And to be honest this is a great way to diet since i can't open my mouth wide enough to get in anything that isn't in puree form. I actually had to cut a cheeseburger and eat it with a fork.

And since I don't want to deprive my readers of any of the shenanigans going on in my life. You should know that i am somehow in two relationships at work that i don't know anything about. One of our cooks decided I am dating one of food runners/expo guys. Which would be all well and good if you know it was true, and i wasn't like way too hot for this guy. Apparently I met my future in-laws over Christmas, there are pictures and everything! According to the cook, the fictional in-laws really liked me, which is good cause i would hate to be unliked by these people. I'm betting I will be fictionally knocked up by Valentines days.  Who wants to start picking out baby names?

My New Years was relatively quite. I worked till 11 o'clock and then rushed to a bar to ring in the New Year with two of my hot female coworkers, Jules and Beth (names have been changed to protect the innocent). The highlight of my night, besides watching New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys singing together was having this text exchange with Meathole Guy:

Meathole Guy: I want your pussy right now
Me: Aren't you in Michigan?
Meathole Guy: No, I've been drinking since 8
Me: Are you in Myrtle Beach?
Meathole Guy: I'm in east Lansing, Michigan

Sometimes i don't know what i am going to do with this boy. Happy New Years Bitches!
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