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Under the Covers: Dumbfounded

So I figured I hadn't done any book reviews in awhile, which means i am overdue for one....


TITLE: Dumbfounded: Big Money. Big Hair. Big Problems. Or Why Having It All Isn't For Sissies

AUTHOR: Matt Rothschild

GENRE: Memoir

SUMMARY: A self-described chubby kid with a “Jewfro” hairdo, Rothschild was raised by his maternal grandparents after his mother decided she would rather live in Italy with her fourth husband than raise a son. Rothschild’s grandmother, Sophie, a sassy senior with a mouth like a sewer, ruled the manor at her family’s apartment on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. (Even in the 1990s, the Rothschilds were the sole Jewish residents in the building.) Young Matt is a hopeless misfit—both inside his home and out. He forever aspires to win the praise of his grandfather, who wishes he’d try out for a sports team rather than sport his grandmother’s dresses. He attempts to earn the sympathy of his grade-school classmates by pretending his mother committed suicide. He’s eventually shipped off to a boarding school, his sexual confusion reaching its peak when he shares a room with the campus stud. Rothschild, who readily admits to changing names, places, and events, labors a bit too hard for laughs in this occasionally funny but ultimately contrived debut. --Allison Block**


ROSE'S REVIEW: If you ever wondered what if would be like growing up jewish, rich and struggling with your sexuality in Manhattan's upper-east side, then this is the book for you. Rothschild life is both fascinating and heartbreaking. Even though he grew up notoriously rich, you never feel like he's just some spoiled rotten celebutante. Rothschild is more David Sedaris than Paris Hilton. His childhood antics are so captivating that you wonder how Rothschild could be so sweet and so gullible growing up in NYC. He becomes someone you root for anyways, especially after you are introduced to his mother. His grandparents are the perfect mis-matched couple. His grandfather fled before the holocaust and is all about his Jewish Origins, even though the family doesn't keep to the traditions. His grandmother is a pistol, who randomly takes trips around the world to take pictures and brings back (fake) Chinese natives to work in the house and she hates her husband's family. In and out of schools all his life because of his zany ways, Rothschild is the most compelling when he hits college and everything falls apart for him. But he seems to make it out okay since he is now a famous author.

I happen to come across the hardcover copy of this book in Books-a-Million sale stock for 2 dollars. Unable to pass up such a deal (especially when the front cover had a quote from Jen Lancaster about how funny the book is), I devoured this book on my off time from work. It's not perfect (and life isn't either) and sometimes you can feel the author's anger towards his mother dripping through the pages. But its still a great memoir and a really funny read.

GRADE: B

** From booklist found on Amazon

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Project Runway (8.9): We're having a bridesmaid- pageant problem

Chris's high-fashion design

So i'm back from my hiatus, refreshed and ready to wonder what kind of shit the judges were smoking during judging this week. Because yet again, i think they jacked everything up. I realize this comes as a shock to no one, as i have been saying that all season.

Challenge: Create a high-fashion look inspired by some $8 buck eyeshadow on sale at wal-marts everywhere. I give it 1 1/2 corn husk dresses out of 5. I could have put words into a hat and created a more interesting challenge than design based on some cheap eyeshadow.

I have to say i was pleasantly surprised that this weeks episode was devoid of any of the faux- stupid- ridiculous drama that the show fabricates. Which isn't to say that there wasn't drama as Hitler Gretchen has decided that the Bordeaux wine-red color that has been used all season (vomit, really pick another color) was her color -and how dare that Michael C., who sews like a blind man with 3 fingers and arthritis, dare use her color.  I mean Hitler Gretchen was seriously pissed off he had the same colors as her, like it matters. I love the color pink, but that doesn't mean i get to bitch slap G-fab everytime he shows up in a pink button down looking way better than me. I do, however, think about taking off my shoe and beating him with it when that happens.
Andy High-Fashion Design

Moving on, when Tim came with the *surprise twist* (which was a surprise to no one who regularly watches PR) to create a ready-to-wear (RTW) companion for the high fashion look. I don't know why the designers were surprised by this, its a pretty standard weapon in the PR arsenal. But yet, there stood everyone mouths agape like they just got out of a production of Deep Throat. Seriously, shut your mouth before someone shoves a cock in it. And by someone i mean the PR producers who apparently think that this season is amazing even though it sucks harder than a NYC prostitute.

With so few designers left i can actually make comments on all of them, YAY!

  • April-  Sweetie, I'm gonna give you the same advice i gave Ivy Stalin a couple weeks ago. Color will not hurt you. I have seen enough babydoll-punk-black-funeral wear outfits from you to last a lifetime. Taste the rainbow. Her High Fashion was boring and her RTW look made her model look fat, which is hard to do with a size -2 model.
  • Mondo- The boy can't dress himself but he knows how to design. I love his use of color- its not as good as Uli's use of print, but its close. His High-fashion look reminded me of a peacock tail but it was fabulous anyways. The back was gorgeous and he took a big gamble using all those pattern fabrics and colors. I mean it could have been a hot-tranny-mess and it wasn't. His RTW garment was adorable and very slimming. I wouldn't have bought it, but i would have made UNC_Sis try it on at a store.
  • Ivy Stalin- While i applaud the queen of Beige for using color this week, it would be helpful if her designs didn't suck. Her high fashion dress looked like a bad bridesmaid's dress from the little mermaid and her RTW look was boring boring boring and made the model look fat. The color was the only thing keeping those dresses from being sucked into the black hole of blah.
  • Michael C.- I honestly didn't have a problem with his dresses aside from that awful wine-color him and Hitler Gretchen keep fighting over. Yes, the train on his high fashion dress did look like it was made from all the curtains in Tara (thanks Michael Kors) and his RTW dress was a little too short, but neither were as bad as Chris or Gretchen's outfits.
  • Chris- How he did not end up in the bottom 3 is beyond me. His high fashion design was atrocious. I mean the lace cut-outs and the with the aubergine color- eww. Then there is the fact that it looked lie a marshmallow exploded on it. It was just a fail. His RTW was just boring. Chris is lucky that other people shitted on their designs worse because his was pretty awful
  • Hitler Gretchen- This is where i wonder what the judges are smoking before runway. Her high fashion look was something akin to a molting hippie mu-mu. I mean everything about it was wrong, the color, the fabric, the beading, the feather- it was just wrong. There was nothing high fashion about it at all. Her RTW outfit was not cohesive with her high fashion look and honestly it was just boring. Personally i think that Hitler Gretchen must have blackmail on the judges because i cannot figure out for the life of me why they love her clothes so much.
  • Valerie-Cries-A-Lot- For someone who was one of my early favorites, i cannot seem to remember why i like her anymore. Between her constant crying and every episode breakdowns, her clothing is total suckage. Her high fashion dress was like a white-angel dress that wasn't high fashion and was really boring. Her black RTW dress wasn't cohesive with her high fashion dress, looked poorly made and was ugly and boring, Then her belly-aching after she wasn't auf'ed about how she deserved to be auf'ed made me want to take a knife to my own throat. I kind want her to just have a nervous breakdown next week and start throwing fabric around the room like a wood nymph so she can get carted off to the mental institution. That would be more interesting than anything else she has done in the last 4 episodes.
  • Andy-  Personally, i think he should have won. His high fashion outfit was impeccable. I haven't seen pants that well made since Christian Siriano. Plus his warrior design was amazing and just really cool to look at. His RTW dress was adorable, its exactly the kind of little black dress I would want to wear, plus it matched his high fashion look without being costumey or a bad knock-off. 
Winner: Mondo

Out: Ivy Stalin

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Memo

***************From the Desk of Coyote Rose****************


Dear Readers (all 12 of you):

I'm sure you are wondering where my project runway post is for this week. I'm sure you are all thinking something along the lines of "where is her fucking post? Does she think she's too good to recap PR for me anymore? Where does she get off not writing?" But alas, I have not even seen last weeks Project Runway, nor have i watched Monday night's new episode of Chuck (I did watch the new Glee but thats a different story altogether).  And i probably won't watch either until after this weekend. 

See I work today and tomorrow and then I'm driving off to the concrete and glass city of Charlotte for a reunion with a bunch of my friends this weekend. So I Won't be Posting. Anything. All Week. I'm sorry, it's not you- it's me. I'm working my ass off right now (what little ass i had to begin with) and that doesn't give me much time to watch tv, or blog. Plus I don't have a good topic for this weeks post.  I don't want to be one of those bloggers that just word vomits onto a post (kinda like i'm doing right now) and then expects everyone to kiss my ass and tell me how amazing my post is when we all know that is sucks harder than a New York City Prostitute.

So I'm taking the week off. I promise I will be back in full force on Tuesday.

Ciao,
Coyote Rose

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SUNDAY PIC: Someone needs to save that kid


Please someone intervene, I feel sorry for that kid. Skanky moms need to get friends their own ages.

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People I Wanna Fuck

So one of my fav bloggers, the fantastic That Ain't Kosher or as we 20sb chatters call her "Nugs", has bequeathed the Seven Things meme to me. She did seven alternative uses for condoms which was hilarious. I mean a dog tuxedo, really?

Anyways the seven things meme is very open. You can basically write about whatever seven things you want. Since it was given to me after discussing uses for condoms, I am going to write about the Seven Actors I wanna fuck. Plus, seriously who doesn't want to see pictures of hot, possibly half-naked men?

Cavill
1. Henry Cavill- For anyone who hasn't seen the Tudors, i suggest you go out and rent season 1. Even if you don't like history, even if you hate Jonathon Rhys Myers- you need to rent season 1 just for the incredibly hot Henry Cavill playing Charles Brandon shacking up with the King's sister Princess Margaret on a boat. It's so hot i wanted to take my own clothes off. Seriously, this man is so gorgeous he doesn't even need to talk. He can just stand there and look fabulous. Supposedly, Stephanie Meyers wanted Cavill to play Edward in the Twilight movies, but he was deemed to old. Such a shame, i won't touch Twilight with a 20 foot pole, but i'd be watching those movies for some half naked Cavill.

2. Zachary Quinto- I will have you know this was a hard decision for me. I felt like i could only pick one guy from Star Trek and both Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are equally hot. If i could have a threesome with both of them, I would die a happy woman. But ultimately the super sexy Spock won out. Why? Because he took a uptight character like Spock and made him super hot, even with the pointy ears. Plus Quinto knows how to play a bad guy and thats just hard to resist
Salling

3. Mark Salling- Hands down, this man is the #1 reason to watch Glee. Look at his fucking abs! I want to lick stuff off of them. Plus put a guitar in his hands and let him sing and i melt into a puddle. He plays the badboy with the good heart, but his muscles, nipple ring and bad attitude had me from the first scene he was in. Also, i like him better sans mohawk.

4. Harrison Ford- Yes, there is an old man on this list. But he's Harrison-fucking-Ford! I mean he's both Han Solo and Indiana Jones. You cannot beat that with anything. It's like a royal flush- nothing beats that. Plus at  the ripe old age of 60-something, he still looks pretty fucking awesome. I'd even let him take the whip to bed.

Cook
5. Jason Cook- Never heard of him? I'm not surprised. He's a soap opera actor. He started off on Days of Our Lives (which i have never watched) before joining General Hospital a couple years ago as the adorable Dr. Matt Hunter, younger brother of the hot Dr. Patrick Drake. The hotty that plays Dr. Drake (Jason Thompson) gave his on-screen younger brother a run for this spot. But there is something about Cook's impish smile and those sparkly eyes that screams "I'm awesome- you know you want me." And guess what? I totally do.

6. Zachary Levi- If you have never seen Chuck, well i'm sorry for you. That show has a plethora of hot men: Adam Baldwin, Ryan McPartlin, Joshua Gomez, Matt Bomer (before Bryce Larkin was killed off *cries*) Brandon Routh. But it is Levi's title character of Chuck that wins me over. Levi has the incredible knack for playing the everyday gamer nerd in such a way that is just oh-so-charming. Granted, from what i seen of Levi in interviews and on twitter, he is the everyday nerd that just so happens to be a good actor. I mean him with his Iphone lightsaber application on Leno was adorably hilarious.

Stone
7. Josh Holloway- the Affirmative Action Blonde on the list. Holloway was the best piece of ass on Lost. I mean seriously the show tried to get as many shirtless shots of him as humanly possible, and i don't think a single female viewer minded. He was walking porn. Plus, he was sexy covered in mud, with glasses, bloody, being a jackass and even with a daisy. Its no wonder Kate and Juliet were all over him in the show. I'm surprised Hurley and Jack weren't trying to tap his ass too.


.... and for kicks 8. Emma Stone- I felt this list wasn't complete without my token girl-crush. Stone is drop-dead gorgeous. Plus she's super funny and looks kick-ass with a gun in her hands. She's the kind of girl i want on my side when shooting up zombies or taking on evil sorority girls. I'd totally do her.


And now for the seven bloggers who have to undertake the Seven Things Meme:
Geophrie (my G-Fab) @ Far Too Important
Orion @ Swift Serenity
Lucky @ Things I Like to Eat (.....and other such nonsense)
Ally @ Veritable Ally
Rie @ Random Ramblings
Andy @ Andy hmmmm
Naomi @ the Naomi Chronicles

Have fun coming up with a topic! Also, who do y'all want to fuck?

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Tag You're It!

So I have decided that this blog needs a new tagline. It's not that i don't currently love the one i have, but i don't talk about sports, books or music much anymore (not that those won't randomly show up from time to time).

Anyways, I am currently running a poll (check the right side) with a few of my favorite options but you guys read my shit all the time and i realized, who better to help me decided than my readers. So I leave it up to you to decide what my new tagline should be. Some of the ones already suggested:
  • When i think of leopard print i have two immediate thoughts: eww and Coyote Rose
  • I'm bat-shit crazy but chances are you'll still love me
  • My boobs hurt, my dogs are loud and i am going to bed so i can go back to work in 11 hours. This is my life
  • the smell of books make me horny
  • It's all about the meat holes baby
  • Lets take a dip in my jacusy
So leave your comments, suggestions, opinions, random thoughts in the comments section. Tell me how you would describe my blog.

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    Project Runway: I Take New York From the Balls (8.7)


    Andy's bikini and wrap
    Hello Kiddies, its time for another weekly installment where i complain the judges are on crack and that half the designers are evil megolmaniacs.  Yes, thats right- its time for another PR rant.


    Challenge: Design resort wear, then Tim came in with the velvet bag of doom and told all the designers they would be designing their clothes, but that someone else would actually be executing the look. I give this 3 corn husk dresses out of 5, because its hard to work with someone else's skill set.

    Anyways, from the moment the magic velvet bag of doom came out everyone start complaining they didn't want Michael C. Apparently, despite his two wins (which is 2 more than half the people on the show) Michael C. sews like a blind man with arthritis. And who was the lucky winner of working with the walking target? Mondo.



    Mondo's bikini
    Now listen, i have mocked Mondo all season long because he can't dress himself. I mean he just doesn't know how to put on clothes that match. And tonight i found out why- because he just runs around his apartment in his underwear. Well that makes sense because tighty-whities don't have to match anything. No wonder this guy thinks that camo, studded leather, orange glasses frames (no lenses!) and trucker hats all go together. He obviously doesn't get out in society much. But for the first half of this episode, i personally wanted to deck Mondo. He just went on and on and on about how awful Michael C. was and how he couldn't sew. I mean he was getting up to Gretchen-Level-Douchebag and then it was like the heaven's opened and Mondo saw the light. He actually admitted to being an ass to Michael C. and that Michael was more talented than people gave him credit for. Thank you Mondo for coming back to the lightside. We knew you had it in you.

    Gretchen's design
    Anyways, the designers were losing their minds because someone else had to execute their looks. Stalin Ivy (upgraded from Ivy Goebbels) changed her design 3 times because she didn't think Michael D. could execute it. Then she stood over him like some sort of KGB prison guard while he tried to sew it. I mean really? Michael D. is not an idiot regardless of what Ivy seemed to think and standing over him like a schoolteacher about to whack him with a ruler is not going to help his sew better. I wouldn't have been able to work under that kind of pressure.

    Hitler Gretchen talked to Casanova like he was a deranged seven-year old, causing Casanova to quip "She believed that i am a retard." Valerie and Andy seemed to have the best team dynamic because they both respected each others skill set. That is until Valerie had a nervous breakdown when Tim and Michael Kors came by to do critiques. Listen, i love Valerie- she is one of my early season picks to make it to the finale. But she does pick some god- awful colors for clothes, and to be honest the tape-measurer as a headband look is only going to take you so far.

    April's look
    Anyways onto the runway: Overall it was another really blah episode when it came to the clothes. Michael C.'s pantsuit thing was actually kind cute and it was nice to see a pattern for a change. Oh how i long for the days of Uli and her adorable German accent and cool pattern dresses. Mondo's bikini and jacket was actually really adorable IMO, but the judges were right when they said it could be found in any Target or JCPenny in America. I mean it would totally sell though.  Sidenote: Nina when was the last time you were in a Kmart? You can never find cute, well-made clothes in Kmart. You mostly find stuff even bums wouldn't want to wear.  I loved loved loved Andy's bikini and wrap. I don't care what the judges think about the color scheme, i loved that purple and silver/grey together. If i saw that on a rack anywhere, i would be picking it up to try it on. It was so gorgeous that even G-Fab wanted to buy it.

    Ivy's sad outfit
    And then there was the bad (and alot of crap that made me go whuuh?): Michael Ds outfit did not look like resort wear it looked like something someone would wear to a funeral. I personally thought it was ghastly and way too complicated and ugly for resort wear. Ivy's neutral color scheme was in full swing again, and she made this top that was long with a skirt that was long. It was just too much long and uncolorful and sad. Seeing this outfit makes me think Stalin Ivy's childhood vacations were spent in stamp museums or in a sweatshop sewing soccer balls together. And of course, when she made the bottom 3 Stalin Ivy threw Michael D. under the bus, ran over him, backed-up and ran over him again and the found a tank to drive over him with too. I could tell the judges were appalled by her behavior and so was I. He only executed Ivy's sad and dowdy look, Stalin Ivy still designed it. And i don't buy her crap about that being all Michael D. could sew, i have seen him make much much better things. Stalin Ivy is just evil and delusional.

    Then there was Hitler Gretchen's jumpsuit monstrosity. Okay, the bitch loves a jumpsuit- I get it. But did she have to use the worlds ugliest color combination and then make her model look pregnant. Only Hitler Gretchen could make a size 2 model look like a size 20. I mean her jumpsuit even made her model look like she had a fat ass. It should have been auf'ed just for doing that. Also it made her model's boobs look like they were down by her belly-button, because that's so flattering right? April's outfit looked more like bad lingerie than a resortwear look. Valerie only managed to squeak by because the top of her outfit was weird and the bottoms weren't much better. Casanova got reamed for designing old lady clothes again, although i didn't think his outfit was that bad. Yes, it was a boring color scheme and it was more work wear than resort wear and it was made for an older clientele. But listen, 50 is the new 30 and old bitches want to look stylish too and Casanova made an outfit that would have worked for that.

    And then the judges were obviously doing acid during judging because they loved April and Michael Ds design, and hated Mondo's and Casanova's. And there were way way way worse designs that Mondo's and Casanova's (cough cough Gretchen). This is the second season in a row where i have to question the Holy Fashion Trinity's taste level. It's like somewhere after season 5, they just stopped caring about what was good and started caring about driving the viewers totally up the wall.

    Winner: April

    Out: Casanova

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    SUNDAY PIC: He'd get my change


    I have to say, if i saw this guy on the street he would get my change. You know, after i stopped cracking up at the sign. Best use of Star Wars ever.

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    Fuck Yeah Friday Awards

    So okay, i've been like way way behind on blogging. I'm sorry, I got a job that actually requires me to work 40 hours at random times with back-breaking work (aka running up and down stairs like 100 times a day). Anyways, i've gotten some awards recently and i've been way behind on thanking people and giving them out. So its time to catch-up.


    First up I was given The One Lovely Blog Award from the Fabulous Tsaritsa at The Tsaritsa Sez. So a big thanks to the Tsaritsa, whose blog is absolutely fabulous and wonderful. Anyways with this award comes rules, I must list 7 things about me and then pass the blog onto 7 bloggers (its supposed to be 9 but whatever). So here goes:
    1. I looked like a walk-talking clone of Shirley Temple when i was a kid.
    2. I am totally addicted to General Hospital.
    3. I personally think Peanut Butter M&M's are the best thing since sliced bread.
    4. I hate mushrooms. I won't eat the slimy little fuckers
    5. I have always wanted to own a black leather jacket but i think i look stupid in them
    6. I broke both my wrists. My right wrist when i was 3, and my left wrist when i was 6.
    7. I have been a blonde, brunette, redhead and I accidently dyed my hair pink once.
    And now for 7 lovely bloggers to pass this award too:
    1. Ella at Can You Dig it?
    2. Harley at Domestic Depravity
    3. Rochelle at Small Town Book Nerd
    4. Tudor-Rose at Tales of a Librarian
    5. That Ain't Kosher at That Ain't Kosher
    6. Gemma at This Fact Might Save Your Bacon
    7. Ally at Vertiable Ally

    I was also bequeathed the A Blog with Substance Award from the adorable Anna-Grace at Tantalizing Testimonies. So thanks to Anna-Grace and check out her adorably cute and southern-sweet blog. So with this award i have to sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words, and then pass it on to 10 blogs i think have substance (again, doing 7). So here goes:

    My Five Words: Humor, Dating, Life, Family, Friends.

    And my 7 Bloggers:
    1. AngryTrvlGurl at AngryTrvlGurl
    2. Stephanie Rose at Did Someone Say Nachos
    3. Dana at Ducks Don't Quack
    4. Anonymous Batman at I'm Anonymous Because I'm Batman
    5. Stay At Home Babe at Stay at Home Babe
    6. Geophrie at The Far Too Important Blog
    7. BooyaBobby at Inside the Mind Booya
    Congrats to everyone and a big thank you for my shiny new awards!

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    Stop Making My Life Hell

    So everyone here should know that i currently work as a waitress. And everyone also knows that i just went through Labor Day weekend hell. For those who don't know, I happen to work in Myrtle Beach, SC, which is a major tourist destination in the US. Not only that, i work at one of the major hotspots to visit at Myrtle Beach. So needless to say, it was motherfuckingbusy this weekend. Saturday night there was an hour and forty-five minute wait time just to get sat at my restaurant. Anyways, like typical people were snotty, rude and generally unpleasant to me, which made me think: some people just don't understand what its like to work in a restaurant.

    And so i have compiled a list of the top ten things people should know about restaurant waitresses:
    1. It's not the waitresses fault you have to wait to get a table- Seriously, we can't help it most of the time. If you see open tables its often because we just don't have enough servers to wait on all the tables in the restaurant. I mean we can only wait on so many people at once. Also, many times the wait at the door has to do with the cooks. They can only push out so much food at one time. 
    2. Servers are not stupid- Yes, i work as a waitress. I also have a masters degree and speak 3 languages. I'm not a high school drop-out that got knocked up with kids at 16. Please stop generalizing that all waitresses are stupid. I had a table over the weekend that treated me like i was a motherfucking idiot. I treat my dogs better than they treated me. But they couldn't pronounce "salmon" correctly, so i think we know who wins in this fight..
    3. We aren't rolling in money- sure, we get paid in cash and sometimes we make 200 bucks in a single night. But for every 200 dollar night there are 3 days where we don't break 50 bucks. Also, we have to tip out the food runners, bussers, bartenders.
    4. We bust our asses- People seem to think if they don't see their server that they are sitting on their fat asses somewhere doing nothing. WRONG. If you don't see me I am probably rolling silverware, or refilling the ice buckets, or bussing tables, or waiting for your food to come up. Just because you don't see me working doesn't mean i am not.
    5. We are not mind readers- If you tell me you want your cheeseburger plain, I don't assume that means without cheese. I also don't know that you are allergic to dairy/wheat/crawfish/air or that you are morally opposed to eating pork if you don't tell me. And seriously, if you are in a seafood restaurant and you don't tell the wait staff that you are allergic to shellfish, you deserve to die of an allergic reaction. The Darwin awards called and accepted you as a member.
    6. I can tell in the first 15 minutes how well you are going to tip me- No joke, if you sit down, don't acknowledge my presence and then treat me like i am stupid, I know you aren't going to tip me well at all. At that point, you become expendable to me. I'll treat you well because its my job and i don't want you to bitch to my boss. But don't expect me to be quick on your refills or to go out of my way to get the cooks to do something special for you. It pays to be nice, assholes.
    7. Not everyone can be a server- I have heard it said that any stupid high school drop-out with big tits can be a waitress. NOT.TRUE. There is actually a skill set required to be a server, not every idiot can do it. You have to be able to multi-task, kiss-ass, have patience and balance, be personable and be able to deal with people treating you like shit. I've met a lot of hot-headed people who couldn't take the last part. Being personable is the big thing, we have a guy at my job who started off as a waiter and was so bad with people they made him a food runner after two days of training. The simple fact is not everyone knows how to kiss ass properly
    8. We are paid almost 100% by the customer- Waitresses make 2.13 a fucking hour. THAT'S. IT. We depend entirely on your tip, so don't be a douchebag and not tip on principle. Furthermore, I have to tip out the food runners, bussers, and bartenders every night. So when people leave me 2 bucks on a 91 dollar check, i actually lose money on that table. It's like i'm paying to serve your ass. Unless the service is so shitty that you didn't see your waitress for 30 minutes and your food was an hour late and cold, there is no excuse for not tipping at least 10 percent. If the service was really shit- tell the management that will get us in more trouble than you shitting on our tips.
    9. Stop sucking down your drinks- nothing pisses us off more than the asslicker that sucks down his drink 3 times and makes us run to get him refills before we have even taken the food order. You are not a motherfucking camel about to traipse across the Sahara, you are not going to die of thirst before i get back to your table. At least wait until after i have gotten your food order before rattling your glass of ice at me.
    10. You are not the only people asking us stuff- So are our other tables, the management, the dishwashers, the cooks, the bartenders, etc. We are constantly being asked questions or being asked to do something. So please give us a break if we forget the extra lemons, or the ketchup, or that you wanted two cherries in your drink instead of one. I had a table ask me for cocktail sauce and as i entered the kitchen to get it: I had a cook asking me about one of my tickets, the management asking me to run someone else's food, and waitress asking me to grab a bucket of ice. We get distracted.
    There you go. I hope after reading this, you understand that sometimes my life is hell and not as glamorous as i make it sound (yeah, right).  Also next time you go into a restaurant already pissed off about something else, you won't take it out on the waitress. Otherwise, she might accidentally drop a pitcher of sweet tea on your lap.

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      Project Runway: Lets Have a Bitch Fest (8.6)

      Chris' Dress

      After last weeks amazing episode, it was only fitting that this weeks episode was going to be blah and boring. Which isn't to say that we didn't get drama, but it was boring made up drama.

      Challenge: Take an awful Bridesmaids dress and make it into something cute and wearable. I give this 2.5 corn husk dresses out of 5- mostly because its hard to work with models that aren't negative 2, and really those dresses were the worst colors ever.

      Sidenote: I have never been a bridesmaid, so i have never had an awful bridesmaids dress. But i am supposed to be the maid of honor in G-Fab's wedding, so G-Fab don't give me anything crappy!

      After the designers picked which awfully tacky bridesmaids dresses they wanted, the show turned into the hate on Michael C. drama hour. Everyone was sitting around not understanding why Michael C. was still on the show because he can't sew/cut/design/kiss-Gretchens-ass etc. Even adorable little Valerie, who has been nothing but cute and sweet, turned on Michael C. and talked about how crappy he was. I mean these people are just the biggest fucking bitches.

      Valerie's Dress
      In an unrelated note, Hitler Gretchen had to call her mom, because that's the only person who can put up with shit, to get moral support because she was in the bottom 3 once. Wah wah wah, cry me a river bitch. Then Michael D. was all like "Gretchen doesn't have a malicious bone in her body." Sweetie, have you met Gretchen? I've seen serial killers that were nicer than that girl.

      Anyways, then Tim comes in tells everyone that not only will there be a runway, but they will be showing their designs in a showcase and the general public will be voting with buttons on which design they think is best. Of course this causes more (made up) drama. Ivy Goebbels goes around telling everyone that Michael C. is telling people that she is a bitch and not to vote for her. Michael C. finds out the next day and swears he didn't say it, he even goes to Ivy and swears he didn't say it. Ivy says that she can only "judge a person by their character" and that she doesn't believe Michael C. Well, I do believe Michael C for the following reasons:
      1. Ivy is a bitch. She has been a bitch in every episode thus far
      2. We haven't seen Michael C. do anything mean or malicious on this show. I mean he doesn't even talk trash about the other designers unlike um everyone else
      3. Project Runway has like a dozen camera operators, and they love the drama. If Michael C. had said that they would have it on film, or they would have people on film saying that he told them that, and we have neither of those things.
      Andy's outfit
      Personally, i think Ivy was being brainwashed by Hitler Gretchen to spew hate speech about Michael C. I mean Gretchen does seem to have that mind control thing down, amIright?

      Moving on to Runway, I found most of the clothes this episode to be rather blah and boring, much like the episode itself. Ivy's yellow top and white pants seemed to be more about the extra fabric she bought than the bridesmaids dress but overall it was cute. April's little black dress with ruffle was just okay. Casanova's blue biker pants with camel top was mildly interesting, just because i was trying to figure out where the dress went. Andy did the smart thing and dyed his dress black and made the cutest top and shorts. I would have totally bought both. Gretchen's shorts and top combo looked like she rolled it in dirt for like 5 hours and then threw it on her model. I just didn't get the appeal of it at all.Anyways, Michael C. made this cute little black dress with lace and while it wasn't my favorite I think it did deserve to be in the top. I mean he had one of the worst dresses to work with, and that back he created was adorable. Also have i mentioned how much i love pockets on dresses? Chris, also, had a completely adorable dress. I would have totally bought it except that i would ditch the belt. Mondo made an adorable cute 60's mod dress that won over the public's vote.
      Peach's outf

      On the flipside: Peach's dress was a complete trainwreck. It was this awful avocado color (not her fault, but she could have bought dye) and then just styled wrong. She had butt ruffles and a weird racer-back and bra straps. It was just four-ways of wrong. Michael D. got busted for just putting tacky lace fabric over a dress he shortened. Plus it made his already larger-than-normal model look twice as large and that was the real tragedy there. Valerie, who i have loved up until this episode, just lost her mind. She did this weird color-blocking thing that made her models look like she had size G boobs and not in a good way. Plus it made her model look fat and schizophrenic. I mean it was a hot-tranny-wreck, there was nothing fierce about it.

      Anyways, i giggled with glee when Michael C. won because that puts him on par with Hitler Gretchen (both have 2 wins) and because everyone acts like he can't do anything right. I mean even the judges were like "WTF designers" with the Michael C. hate. I just felt so bad when he came back into the room and announced that he won and no one congratulated him. Way to be a bunch of pissy-ass-whiny-bitch-motherfuckers! The judges are in charge here, not you. And personally, Casanova summed it up best when he said he might not understand the designs but Michael C. is a nice humble guy. Wait, when did i start agreeing with Casanova? Wait, when did i start understanding what Casanova was saying?

      Winner: Michael C.

      Out: Peach

      **Also don't forget to check out G-Fab's blog about this episode!

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      SUNDAY PIC: is a song and dance really necessary?

      This week it's actually a Sunday Video. Lil' Miss Sis loves this show, but really is it necessary to do this everytime you run into your friends?



      I have to admit its rather catchy, but i just imagine G-Fab bitch slapping me if i ever came up to him doing this.

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      Well, That Was Unsexy


      So the other day I was dirty talking (or texting) with someone we will just call an ex. And he said something so awful that all i could do was laugh. I mean it was so ridiculous and unsexy that i actually texted him back saying "there was nothing sexy about that last line." Anyways, it got me thinking about all the sexual terms that i cannot stand. I mean some of them are so awful- i don't know who came up with them or why the remain in the vernacular. I mean what is so wrong with the terms penis and vagaina? Lets start with the one that inspired this post:

      • Meat- The actual line was "i'm going to fuck your hole with my meat." Really? I actually sent him a text back stating "Really? will you be fucking me with a salami or an oven roasted ham?" I mean why is this term even allowed. There are like 30 other terms he could have used for his cock that would have been perfectly acceptable. Meat is a term best used at the grocery store.
      • Fun Bags- I don't think there is a girl in the world that likes this term. Yes, my tits are nice but fun bags is just obnoxious. You want to go have fun with a bag? Put a walmart bag over your head and suck in.
      • The Beast With Two Backs- OMG, really? What 90 year old grandma in 1932 came up with this term? ITS. AWFUL. There are so many other terms for having sex: nookie, fucking, making love.
      • Seed- As in "spilling his seed" etc. Seriously, are you a papaya? Some sort of flowering plant? Then use the terms: sperm, semen, little wiggly dudes. Seed is just oh so obnoxious and really annoying.
      • Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder- Who came up with this term? It's just wrong. No, really its wrong. If it was over the shoulder my boobs would be on my back, not on my chest. So really this term is just all wrong for Bras in general.
      That's all i can come with right now (getoffmei'msick) but don't worry i will be updating the list as soon as some douchebag uses another crappy term.

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