Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Santa: Creepy Fat Fucker


I was talking with a few of my coworkers about Christmas and one of them, K*, was very upset that i never believed in Santa Claus. My family never had me believe in Santa, they did it a little with UNC-Sis and Lil' Miss Sis but Santa isn't really a big thing in my family. We believe in giving presents to loved ones and all that crap.

But it got me thinking.... what kind of fucking role model is Santa for children? I mean lets just run down the list of laws he is breaking:

  • Breaking and Entering- Lets start with the most obvious one. This creepy old man slides down your chimney under the pretense of leaving presents. How is this different from some creepy teenager sliding in your window to make a sandwich? I mean he is unlawfully entering your house and the only reason he gets away with it is because he leaving stuff instead of taking stuff. I would still tase his ass if i found him in my house.
  • Blackmail- Think about it. He tells children if they are good they get presents and if they are bad they get coal. Now if your a poor kid with a coal furnace, that coal might be useful. Otherwise, Santa is essentially blackmailing children into behaving under the pretense of getting "presents."
  • Kidnapping- I know this sounds funny but he keeps the elves held hostage and he doesn't let them leave. That is the very definition of kidnapping. I mean those poor elves probably haven't seen their families in years. I mean do they even have medical or dental there? Does Santa even feed them? 
  • Slavery- The man is forcing elves to do work without pay. Enough said.
  • Child Labor Laws- I mean among the 100 other labor laws he is breaking (I mean do they even get bathroom breaks?), he is forcing children to do work without consent of their parents and they have to work more than 40 hours a week.
And this is supposed to be a good thing for our children? I mean we are basically glorifying a criminal, and Children are supposed to be excited about that? How fucked up are we?

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