Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Hostile Take-Over

So that bitch who owns me is currently hog-tied in my kennel to think about what she did. Don't be confused, she's sick- which is the only reason i could get the drop on her. She's a quick little biped, and if i hadn't managed to jump on her before she reached the squirty bottle I'd be eating stale dog food in the dark cold garage with Kennedy. But luckily she was tired and tripped over one of Lil' Miss Sis's strategically placed toys. Hence I, Nixon Alexander J*****, will be in charge of this blog. It's only appropriate that i should rightfully rule this blog. I am only named after two of the most illustrious rulers of all time. Who wants to read my owner's juvenile whining when you can listen to me talk about how i am going to take over the world?

Oh Wait, Kennedy wants to say something....

Kennedy shoves Nixon off the Keyboard

Hi, Hi, Hi, I'm Kennedy, I'm a Cancer and I enjoy cuddling on the couch, long walks, stealing Nixon's treats and the color pink. At least I think its the color pink, I mean i am colorblind but Pink is such a good color with my fur and all. I'm Fiesty, Fun and Frisky!

Nixon drags Kennedy away by the tail

That's entirely enough of your asinine shit, Kennedy. Go feed the prisoner, we are going to need her to open the door for us later. Once i have my mind control device firmly in place and not malfunctioning. Its taken me years to tweak it so that the human doesn't blow up. Don't be confused, its not that i don't love my human. She did rescue me from the pound and dealing with all those mouth-breathing dogs that eat their own poop. She does feed me, and rub my tummy. But the bitch doesn't let me hump her and i just can't deal with that! How am i supposed to show her that i am dominate in this relationship any other way? I can't drag her around by the tail like i do Kennedy!

Yeah, yeah! She did save me from some mexicommies... mexicannies.... mexconties....

Mexicans! You insipid fool. Now get back to guarding the prisoner! Don't fall for any of her tricks. I don't care how many tummy rubs she offers you.

Now that that is taken care of lets take some calls from my loyal minions. Toby in Toledo, you're on with Emperor Nixon.

"Yeah, Emperor Nixon when you finally take control of all the humans, What is the first thing you are going to do?"

Excellent question Toby. When i finally have mind control devices planted in all the humans, dogs will no longer have to eat that stale dry kibble they call dog food. Dogs will be served steak every night. When we run out of cows we shall move onto Lions. Those treacherous bastards refused to sign a non-competitive agreement in Africa and have to be gotten rid of.

Buttercup in Tuscon, you are on with Emperor Nixon.

"Hi, Emperor Nixon. I'm a long-time listener, first-time caller. I just love your show and your fur is so well groomed. I was just wondering what your favorite TV show was?"

Thanks, Buttercup. I don't have time for TV shows. I am too busy perfecting my human-mind control device and i'm sorry that your owner had to give you such a moronic name. She's probably one of those women who dresses their dogs in clothes too. Don't human's know that clothing is only for their ugly bodies. Our species was designed to look beautiful completely naked.

Next Caller, you are on with Emperor Nixon.

"Yeah, Emperor Nixon when you takeover what are we going to do about those damn cats?"

Great question. I have just recently concluded a deal with the militant squirrel army that will allow us to rid the world of cats altogether.

uh... Nixon

They have agreed to help us drown all the pussies and in return we must stop chasing them up trees. They have, however, agreed that we can chase the chipmunks and moles.

Nixon, hey, Nix. I uhh.....

So when i am Supreme Emperor of the World, cats will no longer be a problem. We can make them work in our sweatshops creating tennis balls and treats for us!

NIXON!

What do you want Kennedy? Can't you see i am trying to conduct my weekly radio show here. I don't have time for you pointless dribble!

Yeah, but Nixon, Mom woke up and she's like opening the doors to the kennel and no matter how many times i chase my tail she doesn't seem to pay attention to me.

Shit! This concludes the Emperor Nixon radio hour. Please tune in next week when i will be discussing how to properly hog-tie your humans. Quick, get the jar of peanut butter and knife and stash it for next week Kennedy!
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