So the other day I was dirty talking (or texting) with someone we will just call an ex. And he said something so awful that all i could do was laugh. I mean it was so ridiculous and unsexy that i actually texted him back saying "there was nothing sexy about that last line." Anyways, it got me thinking about all the sexual terms that i cannot stand. I mean some of them are so awful- i don't know who came up with them or why the remain in the vernacular. I mean what is so wrong with the terms penis and vagaina? Lets start with the one that inspired this post:
- Meat- The actual line was "i'm going to fuck your hole with my meat." Really? I actually sent him a text back stating "Really? will you be fucking me with a salami or an oven roasted ham?" I mean why is this term even allowed. There are like 30 other terms he could have used for his cock that would have been perfectly acceptable. Meat is a term best used at the grocery store.
- Fun Bags- I don't think there is a girl in the world that likes this term. Yes, my tits are nice but fun bags is just obnoxious. You want to go have fun with a bag? Put a walmart bag over your head and suck in.
- The Beast With Two Backs- OMG, really? What 90 year old grandma in 1932 came up with this term? ITS. AWFUL. There are so many other terms for having sex: nookie, fucking, making love.
- Seed- As in "spilling his seed" etc. Seriously, are you a papaya? Some sort of flowering plant? Then use the terms: sperm, semen, little wiggly dudes. Seed is just oh so obnoxious and really annoying.
- Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder- Who came up with this term? It's just wrong. No, really its wrong. If it was over the shoulder my boobs would be on my back, not on my chest. So really this term is just all wrong for Bras in general.
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I just LOLed. His MEAT? Brutal. Perfect response, though.
Over the shoulder boulder holder is perfectly acceptable to use among women. I think anyways. I come from a family of large breasted women, and my mom and I find this term to be funny.
But if someone was like, "OH baby, I wanna take your over the shoulder boulder holder off..." I would yell STOP!
I can't decide which is worse.... your hole or his meat. Hole? Really??
Hahaha omg. That is the worst line ever. I can even picture his face after pressing send, thinking "ah wtf did I just say that for...". x
That is so ridiculous. I hate the term meat and calling a vagina a "hole" is so unflattering.
This list is awesome, btw. I can't wait until you expand it. :D
That line is the funniest/saddest thing I've ever heard. Kudos to your guy for trying, though.
And "making the beast with two backs" is from Othello... sorry, I was an English major/Shakespeare nerd and I can't make fun of that one. Shakespeare = Genius!
loved this post - actually laughed out loud when i read the 'beast with two backs'. that is a new one for me.
I have never heard of Beast with two Backs! That's terrible! Yet strangely amusing.
I can't help but laugh when guys are like "oh yea, suck that big fat cock" and they have like a 2 inch dingaling. I just wonder who they're trying to convince, me or them?
Another unappetizing word: Schlong
i dated one of these smooth operators. we were walking on the beach one day, he was right behind me- and out of nowhere he says "can you feel my boner in your butt?"
PS: i hate douchebags.
I agree with all of that. And the next time my husband asks me if he can "donkey-punch" me I am going to kick him in his balls.
@Suburban- I know, i couldn't make this shit up on my own. I seriously couldn't stop laughing when i read that text. I was like Seriously?
@Amanda- I hate that term. It just irks the heck out of me regardless of who is using it. I just don't want my boobs equated with boulders. My tits are much more fun!
@StayBabe- I know hole is pretty bad, but the meat just clinched it for me as the worst dirty talk ever.
@Andy- I have to think he was high or hungry or both to have sent that, because he didn't even think it was that bad.
@Erika- I know, i couldn't keep a straight face reading it. I mean hasn't he watched enough porn to know better? I hope to do a part 2 at some point. I'm gonna need more bad dirty talk first
@Boston- Yeah, his dirty talk is normally much better. Oh Shakespeare- you have failed me. This is just a term that should have stayed in the dark ages.
@Skye Blue- Really? I've heard that term for years and i have hated it since day 1. Glad to make you laugh though!
@Alexis- It's amusing and still oh so very wrong
@GFab- Them, you know how to properly use a ruler. Luckily, no guy has ever said that to me during the act because i would have to choke down my laughter. And yes, schlong is a no.
@Lucky- Oh yeah he's a smooth operator all right. And ewww, that's disgusting anywhere not just the beach. Yes, douchebags suck and not in a good way
@Mrs. Crazy- Donkey punch? Forget kick him in the balls, thats a castrate with a rusty spoon offense. That's just a crappy thing to do to a person, period.
Other words I find unattractive; 'wang', as G said 'schlong', 'vag', 'nookie'.... the list goes on.
I've been told I was going to have my 'member' pleasured with a 'warm, velvety breathing area.'
Um. Someone has been reading too many romantical novels.
And I like the term 'sweater puppies' for breasts. Who doesn't like puppies? On your chest!
@Harley- Yes, wang is really unacceptable. I don't mind nookie, however.
@Orion- LMAO, that's hilarious. That not dirty talk that just bad use of the English language. I don't mind sweater puppies so much. I don't understand how my boobs are being compared to puppies, but i'm not wholly offended by it.
Funbags. Man, unless you are a frilly, gay British man named Nigel then you have no business with this term!
Thanks for sharing this entry.
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