Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Why Your Online Dating Emails Suck

So I'm listed on an online dating site. No this has nothing to do with my friends who made me a fake profile last year. I don't really use the site for dating. I've never actually met a guy from the site, not because I'm morally opposed to it or anything. But because the majority of the guys on the site aren't worth my time or effort. Don't be confused, I get several emails a week but i probably reply to one out of every 5-9. Why is that? Because their emails/profiles suck. Don't be confused I scour a person's profile before I even open their email. I'm like Human Resources, I'm looking for any reason to reject you for the job. So I present to you the Top Five reasons I won't be responding to your online dating email/wink/nudge/etc :

5. No Picture-  Seriously, without a picture I won't even open your email. Why? Not because i am a shallow bitch who only cares what someone looks like although i kinda am but because I don't know if you are really: a girl, 500 pounds, have more facial hair than a gorilla, a serial killer (yes, i can tell a serial killer by a picture) haven't showered in months, look like you are 12, or dateline NBC. I'm just playing it safe here buddy

4. Your opening sucks- Listen, I know I'm cute and adorable and I have a great profile. I wrote it- of course its awesome. So stating the obvious in your first email isn't winning you any brownie points. Try something interesting for a change, make me think you actually read my profile. I give you plenty of things to go on with my profile, read it, pick something, ask a question. Its not that hard. Don't believe me? Here are the last 3 emails i received:
Dater A: Hi your cute and i like your profile
Dater B: I like your pics and profile, hope to talk to you soon!!
Dater C:  You profile is cool... and your really pretty
Wow with such a boring opening, I should just be throwing myself at you because you are such a great conversationalist. The guys that get my attention actually have something to say or questions to ask.

3.Obvious Hung Up On Ex/ Think Women are Evil-  I must be joking, right? Wrong, I have had emails from guys who start off emails with "You're probably won't respond to this." Damn straight I won't. I don't have time for your whiny passive-aggressive I hate women stance. I had an email from a guy once, whose profile was all about how his ex-girlfriend broke his heart and she was the love of his life and he needed someone to fix the whole in his heart and blah blah blah.... Listen, I don't buy fixer-upper cars. I'm not going to get a fixer-upper boyfriend.*

2. Deal Breakers-  There actually isn't anything most guys can do about these. I'm 26 years old with masters degree, it is highly unlikely i am going to have anything in common with a 22 year old high school drop out with 2 kids working as a cook at Olive Garden. So guys without college degrees and guys with kids get knocked out in the first round. Its not that i don't like kids, its just that I'm not ready to be any one's mother.

1. Lack of Punctuation/ Improper Punctuation- Nothing makes me delete an email/wink/nudge faster than bad grammar or no grammar. If you can't manage proper English you can't handle me. I mean nothing about bad grammar makes you sexy or interesting. It makes you look like a dumbass and i don't have time for that. Don't believe me?
Exhibit A:
Hi my name is [deleted] and just moved to [nowhere] I'm looking to meet a friend I like to stay active as much as possible I like everything from rock to hip hop and i'll try anything atleast once (well almost I am into young or older women I don't judge just trying to new people if this sounds like you hit me up
And Exhibit B:
born t enjoy life,
im friendly,looking t find lovely pretty girl,
im romantic,cool,i respect people,
like swimming,jacusy,going out,drink,relax,enjoy walking on the beach,
chillin at home,,,
That doesn't make me want to email you back. It makes me want to send you to remedial English. So to all you male online-daters out there (actually all online daters period) take heart. Now you know what not to do, so start doing stuff right and maybe someone will respond to you now.

*That particular guy got irate when i deleted his email without responding and wrote me a nasty email. I wrote back stating how A. he was too young, B. he was too hung up on his ex, and C. his grammar made me want to commit homicide and that dating me would be a bad idea.
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