Tuesday, June 8, 2010

We're A Bunch of Drunk MF'ers

Ever spit out a tequila shot on yourself?

Yep, Guilty.

For those of you who don't follow my Twitter (and you should, I'm much funnier and more neurotic in 140 characters) I suppose you need a recap of ACC's wedding.

So Saturday I drove 4 hours through the interior of NC (IE. I looked at motherfucking trees) to get to the wedding because my GPS took me that way instead taking the 40/85 route, which is a little longer but through actual cities. Seriously, folks driving back roads through NC makes me the angriest Jersey bitch ever. Some people haven't learned how to go the god damn speed-limit. Some haven't learned that cruise control is your best friend, and rest don't understand that i am not blowing my horn at you ever 4 seconds because i know you from somewhere MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS!.

I finally arrived, picked up my friend from the mall (long story- not really just boring and inconsequential) and headed to the hotel. Because i booked my room late i ended up in a huge-fucking-ass King room. The bed was literally longer than i was and I'm not some petite princess. My friend that i was sharing the room with arrived and we got ready and headed down to the hotel lobby to catch the bus to the wedding. ACC's brilliant mother actually hired a 55 passenger bus to drive us to and from the wedding and the hotel (I love her). Unfortunately, the bus driver got lost and we nearly arrived late, to which i said don't worry ACC is 15 minutes late for everything (seriously she is) this shouldn't be any different.

The wedding ceremony was really short, like 30 minutes and ACC and her fiance kept cracking up during the ceremony which made me keep cracking up. And then the bar was open while we waited for the reception to start, which means everybody started drinking at about 6:30. I finished an entire rum and coke and was moving onto a margarita when the reception finally started. The bridal party was announced and snafu's were made. Apparently the DJ got the songs backwards for the mother and father of the bride and groom, and the Bride's parents hated the groom's parents song choice. Dinner was served at which point, the song "that's what friends are for" started playing and i turned to the lady next to me at the buffet and said ACC's going to kill the fucking DJ.

NO, seriously he had wanted to start the reception with that and she had told him that 80% of her guests were under 30 and she didn't want to hear that song. Luckily, the maid of honor, ACC's sister, ran over to the DJ and got him to change the song before ACC turned into bitchzilla and ripped his head off. But then about 10 minutes later, he brought out a Frank Sinatra impersonator, another thing ACC had explicitly told the DJ she didn't want. I don't know who this fucking DJ is but just because 70% of the guests are from NJ, doesn't mean we all are Sinatra fans and the fact that most of us were barely alive when Sinatra died didn't help his case. Luckily, ACC was several drinks in by then and didn't fling herself at the DJ and Impersonator with dinner knives and stab them to death. You ever had a 5'2 girl in a wedding dress throw herself at you with dinner knives in each hand? ACC's a scary bitch when she wants to be, she's little but she'll fuck you up.

Alright, this post is getting a little lengthy, so you'll just have to hear the rest of the story on Part Two!


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