Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Setting off the Smoke Alarm

So I may have mentioned once or twice that I think my family is insane. I may have also mentioned that my stepdad spent 20 years in the military and is like Jack Bauer from 24. I might not have mentioned that he loves to smoke cigars. He's been smoking them as long as I've known them. He buys big boxes of them from Nicaragua and has subscriptions to Cigar Aficionado.

I happen to hate the smell of smoke- cigar, cigarette, pot, burning leaves, pizza boxes, etc. I'm just not a fan of anything burning really. Now that you know that, i can start my story. When i was a kid (read 10-13) I used to love to sleep late on the weekends. I mean when you have to get up at like 7 am every morning to walk to school, sleeping till 10 on the weekend is kind of like a perk, right?

Well not to my stepdad. He would decided some time around 9-10 that i had slept in quite long enough. So he would light a cigar and then belly crawl (like military under barbed wire) into my bedroom and fill the room with cigar smoke. So I would wake up to the awful smell of Nicaraguan cigar and then proceed to cough for the next 2 minutes while he would laugh. Now first off, I want everyone to picture a 35 year old man belly crawling into a pink bedroom while smoking a cigar. Everyone got that mental imagine? Good.

Moving on, after a couple times of him doing this I wised up. I started locking my bedroom door under the pretense that it would deter him from doing this. I was wrong. Instead he would lay on his stomach and smoke his cigar and blow it under the door. When this proved difficult, he put a towel across the crack under my door. He would pick up the towel, blow the smoke under the door, and put the towel back down. Thus, trapping the smoke in my bedroom.

This continued for awhile before it became less funny to him. Then he moved on to other ways of torturing UNC-Sis and I, but those are for other posts. I don't know why any of this surprised me. When UNC-Sis was like 4, he would stick my mom's cigarettes between UNC-Sis's toes while she was sleeping and then try to light it.

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