Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Rejection... and other things i suck at

I'm about to tell you a deep dark secret....

...I do not do well with rejection. Shocker, I know. I seem to have it so well together right? (I can hear you snickering).

Listen, I will be the first to admit that I am an ardent perfectionist. I expect myself to be perfect 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I do not accept failure or defeat.

So when i am faced with those i do not do so well. I run the gambit of emotions: worthlessness, anger, contempt, self-loathing. Basically, i throw myself the worlds biggest pity party complete with Peanut Butter M&M's (or whatever chocolate is within arms distance).

The thing is I firmly believe that everything is within my own control. That every time i get rejected from a job- its my own fault. It couldn't possibly be because someone was more qualified or because i was up against 500 other people. No, it has to be my fault. I should be more qualified, or I should know how to use program XYZ. I go over every minute of the interview, questioning and re-questioning everything i said, everything i did, every face the interviewer made at me.

I feel for my friends, especially G-Fab, who has to talk me down from a complete meltdown every time i am rejected from something. And its happened a lot lately. Since February I have been rejected from 6 PhD schools, 30 jobs and by 2 guys. That's a lot of rejection to take in five months. I'm starting to think I'm the worlds biggest screw-up.

Yes, I realize that this is counter-productive and that I do not actually control everything and everyone in the world. I also realize that good things come to those who wait, but patience is not a virtue i was blessed with. I'm very much a type A personality. I need a plan, a schedule, a course of attack, basically i need something to do. G-Fab suggested I take up a hobby and i have. But i hate not knowing where my life is going. I hate feeling like things are out of my control. And i hate waiting...

On the bright side, things can't get too much worse for me- so things have to start looking up soon. Just bear with me in the interim
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