Tuesday, May 25, 2010

OPEN LETTER: Dear Creepy Asian Guy

Dear Creepy Asian Guy In My Apartment Complex:

I realize you are a paying tenant in this complex and i can respect that. But please cease and desist from leering at me like you haven't eaten in a week and I some piece of juicy orange chicken. I am neither sweet nor tasty and I will beat the shit out of you. It is a creepy and a little weird to see you ogling me from the third floor balcony as I am getting into my car.

Also, would it kill you to put on some pants? I mean creepy part aside, seeing you standing in like white see-through boxers in broad daylight is something i never needed to see. In fact every time i do see it, i feel the need to wash my eyes out with a Clorox, then baking soda and then more Clorox. I cannot afford to keep buying bottles of bleach at this rate- I have two dogs to support. Do you know how much kibbles 'n bits costs?

While we are on the topic of clothing, finding a shirt wouldn't hurt either. I didn't know pot-bellied Asians existed. I mean it shouldn't come as a shock as there is 7'6 Chinese man playing center for the Houston Rockets. But yet, I still find you an anomaly. I suppose less drinking and leering at women from the balcony and more, I don't know-jogging, might fixing that.

So please, do all the women in the apartment complex a favor and please stop leering from the balcony. Invest in a pair of binoculars and watch us from the window. We won't be able to see you staring at us from the ground and therefore it will be marginally less creepy. But i swear to god if you ever try to touch me, i will shove a fork in your eye while screaming "that's the way we do it in America, Bitch!"*

Sincerely,

The Women in the Apartment Complex

PS. smiling while leering does not make it acceptable behavior. It just makes me think you are plotting to kidnap me and keep me in an underground bunker while saying things like "yes, King of the creepy Asians, i would love to give you a foot massage."**

*Yes, i know i sound vaguely racists right now but i promise this would be the same if it was a creepy pot-bellied white guy wearing boxers leering at me


**Ewww, I hate touching people's feet.
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