Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lies My Stepdad Tells Me

I've always said that my family is insane. I mean we are a quirky bunch, but i realize that I don't really go into it in a lot of detail. Sure, i talk about my mom making my sister and I compete for Christmas presents, or the fact they hide our Easter baskets around the house, or babysitting Lil Miss Sis. But i realize i have never told any of the random crazy shit my stepdad does to us.

Some background info: My parents are obviously divorced. My mom started dating my step-dad (SD) when i was like seven, they married when i was twelve. So he's been around the vast majority of my life. Now SD spent twenty years in the military. Fifteen of them in some sort of special forces unit, jumping out of airplanes, going to third world countries, and living in the jungle. So just imagine Jack Bauer as your step-dad. Its intimidating. The man can kill me with his thumbs!

Also imagine trying to get away with anything with that guy as your parent, and my mom is no push-over either. I used to have to compound lies and have proof to get away with anything. I once bought movie tickets to a movie i didn't go to just to hang out with my boyfriend one night, and they still busted me. Sneaking out of the house? forget it- wasn't happening.

But this is all beside the point. SD used to love to mess with UNC-Sis and I. I mean embarrassing us was his forte. But his favorite thing to do was to tell us some ridiculous lie and see if he could get us to believe it. His favorite time of year to get us? Christmas

Act I:
Christmas time, I'm about nine years old, UNC-Sis is four and SD tells us that because Christmas was supposed to fall on a Saturday this year, the government decided to move it to Sunday. Arguing ensued, where he actually said that the government passed a law to do it.

Act II:
Christmas time, the next year. SD tells us that Toy 'r us has burned down and we won't be getting any presents this year. I argued, being 10 and a wise guy, that if it had burned down it would have made the news, so i was going to watch it tonight. He stated that it was in the news the night before and i had missed it. He continued tells us this until we believed it. I think UNC-Sis might have cried (she was 5).

Act III:
Christmas, two years later. SD tells me they bought me a horse for Christmas (I had been taken horse-back riding lessons at the time) but as they were driving it back to our house it fell out of the trailer and got hit by a car.  I contend that I never fell for this lie. I was 12 at the time, and had already lived through this game twice before. SD contends that i fell for it and was upset for days. But really, at 12, I was smart enough to know that my parents couldn't A). Afford a horse and B). our tiny backyard was not conducive to having a horse. The debate continues.

Now really, what kind of person does this to children? and around Christmas time. I mean, really, this could almost be considered cruel and unusual punishment. The worst part is that SD always found it so funny. He finds it even funnier retelling these stories now that we are adults. I fear for Lil Miss and Baby sis's sanity having to grow up with round two of this.


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