Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Closure of Sorts

So recently I got in touch with my ex-boyfriend. The one i don't talk about; the only I've ever loved and the one that broke my heart (even though i left him). He and I dated for 4 years, through all of my High school and for most of his. I broke up with him for a myriad of reasons but it was mostly because I changed and what I wanted changed and I was different. But when we broke up he said some really awful things to me. Things that I don't know I ever got over, and things for the last 7 years I have believed were true.

So when I started talking to him it was cordial at first, but you know how these things go, it eventually devolved into talking about the breakup. And he didn't remember the things he said, which was hard for me to understand because they have been etched into my brain. So when I finally told him, he was kind of shocked. He didn't remember saying them and he had been drunk a lot after the breakup, and he didn't mean them.

For me this was hard to deal with. Here I've been hanging onto something someone said 7 years ago, when he forget the day after he said them. But its sort of been nice to have that kind of closure and understanding because now I don't think those things about me either. Whats funny about all this is that even after he said all those nasty things to me I still wanted him to be happy. I loved him for 4 years and yeah we didn't work out and if he needed to say all those things to me to get closure and to move on and be happy with someone else than I was willing to hear them.

Because the funny thing about love is that it doesn't go away. I still care about all of the guys I dated (even though none of them worked out) and want them all to be happy. I want them all to move on and find people that they can love and be with and have a life with. I don't want them to wallow over me, or be angry; They deserve to be happy. That's what I wanted for them when we were together and that's what I want for them when we aren't together. Life is too short to hold grudges or anger or to be miserable over a failed relationship. We tried, it didn't work out, move on and be happy somewhere else. Because that's what i want for me too.
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