Saturday, November 7, 2009

Looking Through the Wall

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
~Staind

The older i get the less i trust people's intentions. Specifically the people I call friends. I have never really trusted my friends, for good reason. Growing up my friends couldn't be counted on for anything. They were self-serving, they blew me off all the time, some treated me badly, and we moved a lot so i grew accustomed to never getting to close to people. But i'm grad school now and i want to have friends i can count on, and people i can trust. But i never feel like i can, something always holds me back from really letting people get too close. And there are times where i feel like i am justified in doing so, because these people always let me down. So even though i have people i call friends, I always feel a little like i'm on the outside looking in; like i will never really belong.

Most of the time this is in my own head. It's my mindset that makes it this way, but its also my way of protecting myself from people who can hurt me. And its not with everyone, I trust UNC-Sis and G-Fab implicitly- they would never intentionally hurt me. I really felt lucky during undergrad because i found a group of friends i could trust and count on and I never felt on the outside with them. But moving to a new city and getting new friends, I just feel like i'm starting over again. I want to trust people but i never really can let myself. I suppose it shouldn't matter too much. In a couple months i will be moving again and i will have to start this whole thing over.

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