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The Carrie/Big Dilemma

Any Female who hasn't been living in a closet the last 10 years has probably caught an episode of Sex and the City. Besides the dynamic of four females in their 30's living and dating in New York City, the next biggest plot of that show was the relationship between Carrie and Mr. Big. Carrie have this on again/ off again relationship. Mr. Big had a fear of commitment and intimacy and Carrie knowing this, is still unable to give him up. They go through a carousel of problems. He decides to move to Paris without telling her. He comes back without telling her. He gets married and then has an affair with Carrie. He divorces his wife and then moves to Napa, California, but still manages to find ways to see Carrie. Carrie, for her own issues, takes him back every time ruining her relationship with good boy Aidan. But by the end of the series Mr. Big realizes that Carrie is the one and chases her to Paris to tell her that. After seven seasons, he finally realizes that he can't be without her. It's the perfect happy ending because everyone knew that Carrie was meant to be with Mr. Big.

For a TV show, it's the perfect love story. But what happens when you fall into the Carrie/Big dilemma in real life? What do you do when your in love with someone who is unwilling to commit to you but you can't give them up? Stupid girl that i am, I've been doing it for years. Frat Boy, as he will be referred to, and I have been playing this silly game off and on for 4 years. He's unwilling to commit to me but is more than content to sleep with me when readily available. For 4 years i have tried to move past him. I dated Accountant guy, there was that lapse of judgment with Pretty boy, Tattoo guy and most recently i was after Redsox Fan. But at the end of the day, i end up right back where i started with Frat boy. I like to tell myself its because none of these other guys stuck. But even i know thats not true, because if Frat boy had called I'd have gone running.

Graduate school is rapidly approaching and somehow it has turned into being about Frat Boy. Or at least trying to get over Frat boy, because if anything is going to work it's going to be finding someone new. My problem lies in TV. If it could work out for Carrie and Mr. Big, could it work out with me and Frat boy? or am i just letting the TV fool me?

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Redifining Happily Ever After

Fairytales always end with the prince marrying the princess and living happily ever after. But what is happily ever after? Everyone is searching for it but does it even exist and if so what is it and is it the same for everyone?

I've been on this path in my life now for quite awhile. I'm chasing after something i thought was my dream and I'm still pretty sure it is. But I'm terrified that when i finally achieve it that it won't be what i wanted at all, or that I'll get it and have no one to share it with. Society dictates that as woman we are supposed to want to grow up, go to college, get married and have kids. I don't really understand what the point of college is if all were really supposed to do is get married and have kids anyways. Women who choose never to get married get looked down upon. We might not call them "spinsters" anymore but the connotations remain. Society assumes that if a woman doesn't get married that she's either too demanding, or not attractive enough or a lesbian. Why does a woman have to be married to be worth anything? Some men never marry and nobody looks down on them for that. I'm terrified that i will never be married but thats only because i buy into societies expectation for me. I'd rather be alone that unhappily married, and i refuse to settle for less than can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm going to be successful either way and I'm going to survive on my own two feet so why should i be tethered to a man for that?

I always thought my PHD would be enough for me, but now I'm not sure. Hopeless romantic that i never thought i would admit to being, I can honestly say that love is more powerful than any piece of paper no matter how well-educated. I want to find that kind of love and i know it exists because I've had a small taste of it. The problem for me becomes that when i find it what will i be willing to do for it? I can already say that if I thought I'd found it, I'd give up everything for it. I firmly believe that when your in love with someone you want them to be happy so much that your willing to give up your dreams for them and put their happiness above your own. The paradox lies in that, because if this person really loved you they wouldn't want you to give up your dreams.

So the question for me remains what is Happily Ever After for me? is it my PHD and my dreams or is it getting married and having kids and a life. I'm not so afraid of the marriage part but the kid thing scares me. I'm not at a point right now in my life where i think I'm ready for them. I can barely depend on myself, i can't imagine someone else depending on me. I also think that i missed the mom gene in the genetic lottery. I think my sister got a double dose and i was left short. This isn't to say that if it happened i wouldn't rise to the challenge, but if i can plan around them i'm sure going to try right now. I just wish i knew what i was supposed to be chasing. And is it really possible to have both: have your dreams and have love without compromising on one or both things?

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