Friday, May 16, 2008

Redifining Happily Ever After

Fairytales always end with the prince marrying the princess and living happily ever after. But what is happily ever after? Everyone is searching for it but does it even exist and if so what is it and is it the same for everyone?

I've been on this path in my life now for quite awhile. I'm chasing after something i thought was my dream and I'm still pretty sure it is. But I'm terrified that when i finally achieve it that it won't be what i wanted at all, or that I'll get it and have no one to share it with. Society dictates that as woman we are supposed to want to grow up, go to college, get married and have kids. I don't really understand what the point of college is if all were really supposed to do is get married and have kids anyways. Women who choose never to get married get looked down upon. We might not call them "spinsters" anymore but the connotations remain. Society assumes that if a woman doesn't get married that she's either too demanding, or not attractive enough or a lesbian. Why does a woman have to be married to be worth anything? Some men never marry and nobody looks down on them for that. I'm terrified that i will never be married but thats only because i buy into societies expectation for me. I'd rather be alone that unhappily married, and i refuse to settle for less than can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm going to be successful either way and I'm going to survive on my own two feet so why should i be tethered to a man for that?

I always thought my PHD would be enough for me, but now I'm not sure. Hopeless romantic that i never thought i would admit to being, I can honestly say that love is more powerful than any piece of paper no matter how well-educated. I want to find that kind of love and i know it exists because I've had a small taste of it. The problem for me becomes that when i find it what will i be willing to do for it? I can already say that if I thought I'd found it, I'd give up everything for it. I firmly believe that when your in love with someone you want them to be happy so much that your willing to give up your dreams for them and put their happiness above your own. The paradox lies in that, because if this person really loved you they wouldn't want you to give up your dreams.

So the question for me remains what is Happily Ever After for me? is it my PHD and my dreams or is it getting married and having kids and a life. I'm not so afraid of the marriage part but the kid thing scares me. I'm not at a point right now in my life where i think I'm ready for them. I can barely depend on myself, i can't imagine someone else depending on me. I also think that i missed the mom gene in the genetic lottery. I think my sister got a double dose and i was left short. This isn't to say that if it happened i wouldn't rise to the challenge, but if i can plan around them i'm sure going to try right now. I just wish i knew what i was supposed to be chasing. And is it really possible to have both: have your dreams and have love without compromising on one or both things?

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