Thursday, November 20, 2014

Do You Love Your Pet?

Do you love your pet? Would you be sad if you had to get rid of them? Does the idea of getting rid of them make you want to cry?




If so, you will empathize with this story. So one of my coworkers, Carmen, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. See Carmen has been living with her best friend at her best friend's parents house (she does pay rent there but its $350). The parents are currently living 2 states away, so its been NBD. However, a couple weeks ago BF's dad lost his job so the parents are moving back to this house.

 This wouldn't be a big deal, but BF's mom is allergic to cats and Carmen has a cat named Bonk that she loves and can't bear to give up. She found this cat on her backporch one Christmas Eve a long time ago looking all busted after just getting into a fight. She nursed it back to health and love it dearly and dresses it up in silly costumes.




Anyways, so Carmen is being forced to move out to keep her cat. Unfortunately Carmen is 22, works a full-time job and is putting herself through college. So poor she is. So being that this is 2014 and the internets, we are helping her raise money for the all the deposits she needs to move.

 So if you have ever loved your pet so much that you are willing to be homeless to keep it, please go donate some moneys to Carmen's Go Fund Me. Any amount of money will help and its will be totally appreciated. 

Help us internet, you are our only hope to keep this cat!

Monday, November 17, 2014

SMM: Apparently We Can All Come and Go By Bubble

Previously: Usagi's hair magically grew a million inches overnight and there.was.so.much.crying

Episode 10: Moon


So we open back on Luna's insane plan to go to the moon because physics and logics and shit don't matter. Anime makes no sense remember? She says they should depart on the next full moon and then we get a whole lot of education information about the moon because why not.

The team watches as Usagi plays the Sailor V video game and they are all "whew she's finished crying every three seconds over Mamoru." 

~* Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

The next morning, Usagi's parents have doughnuts and her dad gives her back the Legendary Silver Crystal. He asks if her boyfriend gave her that and like any good dad, freaks out when she says yes. Watching this scene all I can think is how did a woman with purple hair and a dad with black hair  manage to have two blond children? Genetics do not work this way.

Its nighttime now and the Sailor Scouts are at the park waiting to go to the moon since the best time to go is during a full moon. They say its the white light of the moon that gives them energy and Usagi flashes back to meeting Mamoru in the park and starts missing him again. Then Luna looks like she has to fart real badly, a bunch of bubbles come out of the water and they transform into scouts.

The girls hold hands and magic bubble themselves to the moon because this shit doesn't have to make sense right? Technically they are all aliens, so sure they can breath with no oxygen and go to the moon.

The get on the moon and see the ruins of the Silver Millennium and where the castle used to be. Luna realizes they are in the middle of the prayer room and then we have a sword in the stone reference. All the scouts take turns pulling it out of the rock, but eventually its Venus that man-handles that word and yanks it out of the rock like a badass.

We have a voiceover and glowy light that eventually becomes Queen Serenity, who thanks Luna for bringing them. I love this scene because Queen Serenity is like a tiny hologram fairy and it totally reminds me of Star Wars. Also how fucked up is it that she is Queen Serenity and Usagi is Princess Serenity? Who names their child after themselves. So egotistical.

Queen Serenity goes on about how Princess Serenity loved Earth because it was so green and she loved the wind. Bitch, who likes the wind? All it does is ruin my hair. Moving on, we have flashbacks of Serenity and Endymion falling in love and then we can see the Silver Millennium how it used to be. The Scouts totally bust the Princess chops about going to Earth all the time. Then its yet another flashback to the war, Queen Beryl, Endymion dying but this time we see Princess Serenity consumed with grief commit seppuku (death by shoving a samuri sword through your stomach) to which iMac went "no fricken way would a 13 year old girl do that" and I called it a bad Romeo and Juliet knock-off.

Anyways Queen Serenity uses the Legendary Silver Crystal to lock them all away and send them to Earth to be reborn, after locking Queen Metallica away. Earth was destroyed and had to start over and the scouts were reborn to harness the true power of the crystal and destroy the great evil. 

They tell the Queen that the Crystal is all jacked up because it went into Tuxedo Mask's body and hasn't been bright and shiny since then. The Queen says it did that because Usagi really wanted to save him and that she's sure he is alive. I like this; the long-dead queen tells her reborn Earth Daughter that her reborn true love is alive because of a Crystal. Are you kidding me? Why would anyone believe her? It manages to make Usagi feel better thought and that's all that matters.

We then have some touchy feely moments of the Queen trying to make her daughter feel better and telling the scouts to protect her before they head back to earth in their magical golden bubble. Who travels by bubble?


Back in the dark underground winter hell, the four pretty boys of the apocalypse are watching as Queen Beryl descends down the staircase to meet Queen M. Being the nosy boys they are, they follow her where they watch as Queen Beryl tells Queen M that they cannot find the Crystal. Queen M says to get rid of Tuxedo Mask then but Beryl has other plans and I'm pretty sure they involve raping Tuxedo Mask's rocking anime bod.

Queen M then demands more energy and Queen B is all like I can do that with my four idiot pretty boys who don't remember that I brainwashed them. Of course upon hearing this news the four pretty boys regain all their memories, because plot convenience. We see a flashback of the four pretty boys pledging their allegiance to Endymion and how they were reborn to protect their master. Queen Beryl walks in on this happening, calls them all pawns and then re-brain washes them because these boys are so simple-minded. She tells them to get rid of the Princess and get her that Crystal! 

Back in the underground Arcade Bat-lair, the scouts are checking out he thermal reactions around the north pole, because thats what all 13 year old girls do. The realize this has to be where Queen Beryl is hiding, but alas the bad guys have turned Toyko into the North Pole to steal their energy.

The scouts rush to stop them and Sailor Moon demands Tuxedo Mask back, to which Kunzite counters with "you can have his corpse." They start to attack, get repelled by the scouts and then Sailor Venus runs up the wall like a badass and is all "remember your past lives!!" She then breaks down how the scouts and the four pretty boys of the Apocalypse used to be twue rrove and the other scouts remember.


I am all for this plot development, as they have been clearly leading up to it throughout the last 9 episodes but I know other Sailor Moon fans hate this because reasons. So sound off in the comments and tell me if you like this development, hate it or are indifferent too it.

The brain washed pretty boys don't give two shits though and zap the scouts. Sailor Moon takes ten seconds out of crying over Tuxedo Mask and does a nice moon boomerang toss to interrupt them. She then breaks out her moon healing escalation and flies up above earth and saves the world? I have no sarcasm left for this. 

The four scouts band together and say that Usagi shouldn't have to save them all the time and try to unbrain wash their former lovers. It doesn't work but hey they made a valiant effort.

Back in the evil frozen underworld, Queen Beryl brain washes Tuxedo Mask into doing her dirty work and we see a dark Mamoru. You can tell he is evil by the glowing red eyes.


DUN DUN DUN...


Legendary Silver Crystal Count: 12
Usagi cries: 0 times this episode!!

SMM: Magical Hair Growth and Twue Rrove


Episode 9: Serenity


We open where we left off, with a giant green bubble of energy heading straight for a flying Sailor Moon when Tuxedo Mask leaps through the air to her defense and gets all knocked around. Only then does Tuxedo Mask remember that he is really Endymion and that Sailor Moon is really Princess Serenity and that they were all reborn on earth. Of course he conveniently remembers this before passing out because every good soap opera needs a fainting scene.

~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

Like any hormonal thirteen year old girl, Sailor Moon freaks the fuck out and starts screaming which causes her to transform into the princess she really is. We get this whole cool clock that had stopped is now moving backwards scene and Usagi starts to remember her past life as a princess.  She remembers going to Earth to stalk the handsome prince and them falling in true love.

Then she remembers the war breaking out and the people of Earth charging the moon kingdom and Endymion jumping in the way before to save her life. Sailor Moon freaks out more and starts crying and suddenly her tears turn into the Legendary Silver Crystal, dun dun dun!!

This is of course intercut with scenes of all the bad guys being like "crystal get it!!" 


We then watch part of the crystal be absorbed into Tuxedo Mask's body before Queen Beryl shows up and demands that Kunzite take the Crystal. I'm starting to think Beryl is all bluster and no work. She never does any of the actual fighting her. She just leaves it up to the four pretty boys of the apocalypse. What kind of evil villain doesn't get her hands dirty?

The Sailor Scouts valiantly try to protect the princess but are ultimately not strong enough to repel the attacks. Kunzite takes off with Tuxedo Mask's body and Sailor Moon has a total meltdown. She struggles to get away from the Scouts to save him, but like smart girls they don't let her go.

Back at the under-ground arcade headquarters, Usagi is still crying because she just lost of the love of her life and what else can you do but cry when that happens? If I lost my husband, I would need three bottles of wine and two months of crying to be able to even leave the house.

Sailor Venus ain't having that shit though, because she has work to do. She grills Usagi about what she remembers and how they used to live on the Moon. Rei, the ever observant one, points out at Usagi is the real princess not Minako and Artemis apologizes for lying to them but they were doing it to protect the Legendary Silver Crystal. 

Then backstory-palooza happens where we see more of the moon kingdom and the fight and of the Sailor Scouts former lives. We get to watch Endymion die for the third time this episode, which is just overkill TBH. Artemis says they successfully sealed away the evil Queen Metallica last time but the she has escaped again. Usagi  hears this and death shakes Sailor Venus asking who it was that took Mamoru and where they are.  Sailor Venus asks her to calm her tits but Usagi freaks out more being all "I am not a princess!!"

Usagi then looks at the Legendary Silver Crystal again and is all "I can't believe I had this inside me." Sailor Venus, proving to be the worst friend ever, says that Usagi's strong love for Tuxedo Mask brought out the Crystal and Usagi then promptly faints from all the flashbacks of death she is dealing with.

Back in the underground cave of winter-doom, Beryl and Kunzite lament how they couldn't find the Legendary Silver Crystal even though they clearly saw it go into Tuxedo Mask's body.  Beryl says to keep Tuxedo Mask alive until they find that Crystal and then storms off. Of course the four pretty boys of the Apocalypse all have a strange feeling of deja-vu like they know Tuxedo Mask but brush it off because plot convenience. 

Usagi then wakes up in her bed, freaking out that Queen Metallica has killed Endymion.  Can I just take a moment to complain that I never know what to call these characters? I mean fuck, they all have three different names. Do I call her Usagi, Princess Serenity, Sailor Moon? This show is like schizophrenic acid-trip. I never know which person I am talking about.

Time of Luna's flashback of coming to earth and being found by Usagi but then not trusting her and causing her all this pain. Luna has massive kitty guilty. Luckily the other Sailor Scouts decide its time to go see how Usagi is doing because they can't stand waiting around for her to feel better. Apparently without Usagi, there is no sunshine for the rest of the Sailor Scouts.

When they find Usagi though, her hair has grown like twenty-million feet over night. Apparently Rapunzel doesn't have a thing on this girl. 
The scouts help her cut her extra-long hair and put it back up for her. Minako, again being horrible at this girl thing, talks about Usagi's hair back in the Silver Millenium which causes Usagi to flashback yet again before freaking out about Mamoru. The girls tell her to get a hold of herself, but come on no 13 year old girl can do that.

Ami tells Usagi that Princess Serenity used to always cheer them up with her smile. Thanks Ami, because every girl wants to be responsible for other people's happiness, like Usagi doesn't have enough on her plate to deal with.

Rei, clearly the only sensible person here, helps calm Usagi down saying that they are here to help her and protect her. That Usagi doesn't have to be the princess; she can just be her.

Then Luna suggest they all go to the moon where they used to be happy because the laws of physics and shit don't matter here.



So moon here we come!

# of "Legendary Silver Crystal's":11
# of times Usagi Times: Infinity

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Growing up-ish


I finally reached that moment when I realized, Fuck I'm an adult. 

I'm not entirely sure when it happened. I mean turned 30 and it didn't feel any different than turning 25 or 21 or 18. Yet, somehow I have realized that I am a fully-functioning adult and that concerns me.


I guess this really shouldn't come as all that much of a surprise to me. I am thirty; I've managed to hold down the same job for an entire year and I don't hate it and plan to leave ASAP. I got married this year and now (if you follow my Twitter feed you already know this), Imac and I are shopping for a house. 

House Hunting has been bitter sweet at best. The only reason we have the money to buy a house right now (as opposed to August when we had originally intended) is because iMac's grandfather died and iMac got part of his mother's inheritance. I'm not going to the whole story with iMac grandfather and the inheritance and their nonsense. Lets just some it up with rich people are crazy and I'm suddenly glad my family is poor middle class and there will be no money to fight over.


Back to the adult thing, so iMac and I have been shopping for houses and we keep finding ones we like only to have them go under contract like the next day. It's been totally devastating to fall in love with a house only to have it snatched out from under you. Fortunately, we put an offer on this massive 3000 sq ft house, which is more space than we will ever use, and after waiting a week they finally accepted our offer. 

The house is a foreclosure which means we are getting it cheaper than what its worth, even though its about 30K over the amount we wanted to spend on a house.  That being said it comes with no appliances so we have to buy all of those and we have to have it re-fenced or the dogs are going to escape.  Basically we are spending so much money on this house its ridiculous and secretly I am terrified our mortgage loan is going to fall through.

Our biggest problem so far is that iMac and I can't agree on basic things like what color we should paint the dining room or if we should get stainless steel appliances or slate appliances. First world problems, I know. On the plus side, the new house has so many cabinets that my husband will never do this again:



So even though I am an adult, I am clearly still neurotic and paranoid (also we close dec 10th, party at my house!!).

Monday, October 20, 2014

SMM: Savior Complexes and How Can These Bitches Fly?


Episode 8: Sailor V


We open where the last episode left off, with Sailor Moon being saved by Sailor V and her badass self. Sailor Moon is all "are you Sailor V?" *Fangirl Squeal*

Cut to Queen Beryl looking none fucking pleased that there is yet another meddlesome kid she has to deal with.

The other Sailor Scouts get to their feet and Rei, the ever keenful one, points out that she doesn't look like the Sailor V that they are used to seeing. I'm really glad they brought this up because the costume change was weird to not be mentioned. Sailor V says this is true because she normally wears this mask. Sailor Moon is all YAYAY it is Sailor V!!! when Artmeis (the little white cat) cuts her off saying its rude because she's not just Sailor V she is also Princess Serenity of the Silver Millennium, Moon Kingdom (**my thoughts on this later) and Sailor Moon's eyes get even wider than I thought possible.




~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

Sailor Moon is all YAY princess when the tiara on her head changes shape into bullhorns (???) and then she has a flashback to the Silver Millennium but can't quite grab onto it. Only then does she realize Zoisite is still behind her trying to kill her. Zoisite disappears back into nothingness and Tuxedo Mask gets all freaked out by Princess Serenity and hightails it out of there while Usagi cries out after him. Tuxedo Mask gets all pouty because he's shitty at protecting people.

Sailor V comes down off the roof and applauds Sailor Moon for doing such a good job. I have to say this scene smacks of being patted on the head, being told you did a good job and now let the grown-ups take over. Sailor Moon doesn't get this condescension I see because she is way too engrossed on her idol standing right in front of here.




Sailor V then says she has been instructing them all on how to fight through the Sailor V game and Usagi suddenly seems like less of a hallucinating nut-job. Luna chimes in on the communicator and Sailor V is "bitch I took care of this I will meet you soon." Sailor V changes back into her human girl mode and introduces herself as Minako Aino. This scene really shows how much they managed to make Mina and Usagi look almost identical.

The scouts all make there way to the underground arcade command center and Luna apologizes that she couldn't come meet the princess. The Scouts ask where Mina has been all this time and she says she met Artemis long before they had met Luna. Mina had taken it upon her 14 year old girl self to investigate all the crime in Tokyo because you know being a super hero is every 14 year old girl's dream. After a while she realized there was a dark evil lurking behind all of these crimes.  Mina realizes its the same person who destroyed the Silver Millenium before. She says that they had managed to seal her away but that the seal was broken and they need to seal her away for good otherwise she will steal everyone's happiness.

Sailor Moon then asks where the Legendary Silver Crystal is and its at this point you realize Sailor V has been lying because she says she hid the crystal away for safekeeping, which any 5 year old kid can tell you is code for "I don't know where it is, but I don't want you to know that."

The Scouts say that the princess can count on them to help protect her. They part ways and Mina and Artemis walk home. Mina realizes the other Sailor Scouts will soon remember everything and that she needs to get this shit wrapped up before that happens. Artemis chimes in that Mina can count on them and that she doesn't need to fight alone. Mina is having none of this bullshit, as home-girl has a mission that can't be completed by anyone else.




We then cut to flashbacks of the silver Millenium in Usagi's dream where she screams out to Mamoru but calls him Endymion and he calls her Princess Serenity. I need to start taking shots everytime someone  in this show has a flashback that tells them everything but they can't figure it the fuck out. Usagi wakes up and convinces herself its all a dream. She convinces herself it was because she met the princess the other day and not because common sense says otherwise.

Usagi is walking through the park and is contemplating how it feels like Sailor V is hiding something from her and for once I applaud that Usagi has some of sixth sense about something because the character has starting to seem a little oblivious. Usagi runs into Mamoru and they have a cut little interchange where he's sorry he couldn't protect her and she's all I stole your pocketwatch like a creeper. He says that he has something of hers that he needs to trade back anyways.

Luna walks off sad-faced because she can't protect Usagi from falling in love with Tuxedo Mask. Just then Artemis shows up being all "we've been keeping things from you and we should probably tell you the truth." I like this turn of events because in the original Anime it felt like Luna pulled all the shots and kept Usagi in the dark. This time around even she is in the dark and it feels less like a betrayal.


In the dark kingdom, Queen Beryl and Metallica (Metalia) are discussing the Princess Serenity and how to lure her out and get the Crystal for themselves. Kunzite shows up and is all let me be your humble servant. Kunzite then speaks directly to Sailor V demanding that she bring the Crystal at once to the tower or he is going to kill everyone in Tokyo. For good measure Kunzite even turns off all the power to the city. See pretty boys of the apocalypse, this is how a real threat works. Even though Artemis tells her its a trap, Minako demands to go to see Kunzite alone even blowing off dinner with the other Sailor Scouts.

Luna then alerts the scouts to the blackout and Usagi is all "mamo-chan" and we cut to Mamoru having a dream about the princess, thinking someone was calling him and waking up to the blackout. Considering we were just talking about dinner in the last scene, either Mamoru is a vampire who sleeps all day or just took an extra long nap after school.

Back to Minako, who transforms into Sailor V and I have to say this is one of my favorite transformations.  It's very similar to the Sailor Moon transformation but shorter,

She and Kunzite have a bit of a of conversation where he demands the crystal and she's like no. She throws her boomerang, it bounces off him, he throws green energy at her, she tries to convince him of his previous life. Fangirls every where get all squeally.  Then the Sailor Scouts uses their own green energy bubble (?) to teleport to the roof of the building to save Sailor V. Sailor V tries to tell them to leave because its too dangerous and the scouts are all 'but we are such good friends we can't leave you alone to fight even though we met you less than 48 hours ago."

The scouts all attack, Sailor Moon tries her moon healing escalation, which doesn't work and then Kunzite starts blowing bitches up. The scouts try to bubble off the roof, but Sailor Moon gets knocked out and of course who comes to save the day (hint: its not Mighty Mouse)?  Tuxedo mask, who catches Sailor Moon before she plummets to her death,

Usagi is all you came to save me again and then is like "boy it's too dangerous for you here, let us girls fight this battle" before she kisses him and jumps away. Mamoru then has a long introspective about how Usagi has so many sides and how he is totes obssessed with her and her bun-hair.



Sailor Moon then jumps into the air and floats there for an unnaturally long time, which I don't get. Is this supposed to be one of her super-powers? I have to say its better than the sonic crying from Episode 1. Kunzite goes to attack and then Tuxedo Mask jumps into the way to save Sailor Moon and they both float in the air until they are knocked away and the episode ends in true Anime style with a cliffhanger.


** Spoiler Alert: do not read if you don't know what is going to happen**


Okay you were warned. There was a lot of talk on tumblr about Sailor V lying about being the Princess. Some people argued that she didn't know she wasn't really the Princess. My read on this is that Minako knows full well that Usagi is the Princess. In the Manga, Sailor V was the Princess' bodyguard and double. Sailor V would pretend to be the Princess to keep her safe. It seems clear that Sailor Moon Crystal staying much more true to the Manga. Sailor V knows that Usagi is the princess but feels like its her duty to keep her safe, hence all the "I can do this alone" and "its my job and burden to bear" stuff that we get from Sailor V in this episode.

**Spoilers ended**


#Silver Crystal Count: 8

Monday, October 6, 2014

SMM: Character Development and Other Such Nonsense


Episode 7: Mamoru Chiba


We open back in Mamoru's bedroom where Usagi is still confused about where she is and how Mamoru is Tuxedo Mask. Usagi recaps the night before and then feels like a dumbass for not realizing Mamoru was Tuxedo mask like a million years ago. But then she has to ask him to confirm he's Tuxedo Mask and I'm all why? Who else keeps a top hat and mask on the table in his bedroom?




~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

Usagi asks why he became Tuxedo Mask and he gives us this  backstory of losing his parents as a child and not remembering who he was. He just keeps having dreams of a girl and the words "Legendary Silver Crystal." Mamoru think the key to regaining his lost memories is finding the Crystal. It's horribly sad but I also wonder how a teenage boy is living on his own and attending a fancy private school. What is with Japan's parental guardian laws?

He asks why Usagi is after it and she says its because Luna told her to find it an protect it. I'm slightly concerned that Mamoru doesn't ask who Luna is but I have the feeling he's already realized there is a talking cat afoot. He asks Usagi to keep it a secret between them and they stare lovingly into each others eyes for until Usagi freaks out and tells him that Luna is waiting for her. He grabs to stop her but its only because she forgot her bag which he sticks between the buns on her head. RUDE.



I'm very confused by this next scene because Usagi literally just woke up from sleeping and it was daytime and now she is walking home and its nighttime. Did he just hold that bag on her head for 8 hours?  Anyways Usagi is all introspective because Mamoru called her Usako, which is a term of endearment I think. Usagi is all two steps away from doodling Usagi Chiba all over her notebooks, or whatever her name would be if they got married because I am not an expert on Japanese familial names and how they work.

We then spy on Luna being all sneaky in her acarde fortress where she is clearly talking to Sailor V about everything that has been going on and how Usagi isn't that great at being the leader of this ragtag group. Luna asks for more time but Sailor V isn't having it. This just confirms my theory that Sailor V was the badass in charge the whole time.

Down in the netherworld, Queen Beryl is awaking the Queen Metalia (who I really want to call Queen Metallica) is complaining that Beryl didn't get her the Crystal yet. Beryl says the Sailor Scouts have been meddling kids and stopping her progress. Metalia says they cannot defeat her again and that Beryl must stop them from re-awaking the moon kingdom.




Then we get some character backstory on Queen Beryl. Good job Sailor Moon Crystal for having backstory and more three-dimensional characters than the original Sailor Moon. The bad guys are still bad and the good guys are still good, but at least we get some motivation for their actions. Beryl was led by a mysterious force and discovered the Dark Kingdom but secretly she wants the Crystal for herself. Then she says "Legendary Silver Crystal" 6 times in a row and tells Zoisite to go get Sailor Moon for her.

And randomly we are in Japan's version of Blockbuster where Naru and friends are picking out movies. Rei just happens to be walking passed the Blockbuster and overhears people talking about Sailor Moon. Clearly Rei is getting bad mojo vibes from the movie store.

Now its lunchtime because fuck continuity and real time bullshit. Makoto, Ami and Usagi are having lunch or more accurately:  Ami is using a knock-off Ipad to research Sailor V, Usagi is eating Makoto's lunch and Makoto is sitting there laughing.  Ami points out that Sailor V has a crescent shape on her head like Luna and then out of nowhere Unimo, the annoying nerd, shows up acting all weird, being obsessed with Sailor Moon and wanting to catch her.

Luna pops her head out of the bushes because cat. Ami asks if she knows anything about Sailor V and Luna manages to be the worst lying cat ever claiming to know nothing about her. Usagi happens to be stuffing her face at the time because hands are overrated and gets ketchup all over her face. Then Usagi gets all embarrassed and vogues? IDK Anime is weird.



Usagi then realizes that she has Mamoru's pocketwatch and gets all pensive about her new love but that she's not telling them about it because she doesn't want Luna to stop her from seeing him again. Just like a mother cat trying to protect her. Then we see Mamoru across town sniffing Usagi's handkerchief like a fucking creeper.

Usagi tries to walk home with Naru but Naru is all NOPE I have to hunt down Sailor Moon like everyone else in the classroom. Luna then pops out of nowhere to stand on Usagi's shoulder and tell her that the entire class is possessed . Damn well they better be possessed otherwise the talking cat is really going to seem out of place. They take Naru's dvd back to the arcade, because clearly this is where all good research happens. They stick the dvd into the arcade machine (???) because they suddenly have DVD slots and the machine just stops working. Usagi bangs on it and freakishly Sailor V starts talking to her in a non-hallucination but still creepy way.




Mamoru is riding the bus home being all why did I tell a 13 year old girl that shit because 13 year old girls are horrible at keeping secrets. Then he realizes that everyone on the bus is hunting down Sailor Moon and gets all worried for his new 13 year old love.

Ami manages to crack the DVD which shows Zoisite hypnotizing everyone to capture Sailor Moon and bring her to the dark Kingdom. Cut to the other Sailor Scouts realizing that shit is fucked up in town and that everyone is after Sailor Moon. The three Sailor Scouts run off to help Usagi but she's just staring at Mamoru's pocketwatch. She finally transforms which seems like a stupid thing to do when the entire town is after you, but hey 13 year old girl. The town tries to capture her but she waves her wand and they wonder what they fuck they are doing there.

Zoisite falls down from nowhere and captures Sailor Moon like the devious but beautifully haired villain he is.  He demands the Crystal but obviously Sailor Moon doesn't have a fucking clue where it is. The scouts show up in time to throw attacks at Zoisite who is holding Sailor Moon. Do they think the attacks will just hurt Zoisite and not hostage too? Or do they just not care that their leader is going to be hurt by these attacks?

Either way it doesn't matter and Zoisite bubbles himself and doesn't even get a scratch. He manages to knock out all the scouts and continue to grill Sailor Moon until he choke holds her to passing out.  Luna then freaks out into the computer screaming. Of course, who shows up just in time to save the day? Tuxedo Mask, because of course.



He catches Sailor Moon and faces off with Zoisite who proves to be too powerful for him. Zoisite realizes Tuxedo Mask wants the Crystal too, but then Tuxedo Mask is all nope I really just like Usagi because awwwwww and also way to give away Usagi's not-so-secret identity. Zoisite is not phased by true love and goes to kill Sailor Moon when finally the Calvary arrives in the form of Sailor V and her magical boomerang tiara and badass cat. Seriously, there could have been no better way to introduce her character.



So finally Sailor Venus arrives and the whole next episode is devoted to her. Fangirls everywhere can start squealing.


Crystal Count:18

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Judgy McJudgerson Judges the New Fall Premieres

 So I recently upgraded my Tivo to a fancy new model (the Roamio- it is perfect name because I would run away with this box) that happens to record 6 shows at once and have entirely too much free space on it. So I figured I would grade a few of the new buzzy shows this season, these are the results


 

Red Band Society

Pros: Octavia Spencer, Ricky from My So-Called Life (Wilson Cruz), Sexy Dave Annabell and some adorably cute dying teenagers.
Cons: It's about dying teenagers who live in the hospital, so the chance of death is high
Thoughts: The mean-girl cheerleader who is dying from a bad heart is funny but she gets old fast. It hurts to watch brilliant but emotionally-fragile Emma as the anorexic but the lead character Jordi is adorable and potentially the first to die. Really the best parts aren't the kids but the Hospital Staff. I wanna be Octavia Spencer's snarky nurse when I grow up and Ricky is the perfect wing-man to her character. I can't help but want to root for rookie Nurse Dobler even though she clearly kind of ditzy.
Verdict: Even iMac is hooked


How to Get Away with Murder

Pros: Viola Davis, twistier than a roller coaster, Lawyer verbiage
Cons: too much cast, more secrets than a 13 year-old girls diary
Thoughts: Viola Davis' star presence totally stole the show in the first episode but the secondary and tertiary characters are too thinly written to stand-up to her. Granted its the first episode and they only had an hour to set-up everything. I'm hoping the supporting cast gets a little more depth. Also, the roller coaster twists and turns have the potential to get old fast especially when everyone is keeping secrets.
Verdict: Intrigued but could go south quick



Selfie
Pros: The Casting, Good Premise
Cons: The title, the writing
Thoughts: So this was pitched as "My Fair Lady" updated for the modern world and I was all "THAT SOUNDS AWESOME." I was thoroughly let down though. The casting is good for the show but its quickly became a caricature of all the vapid shallow things that people do now a days. I'm not saying there aren't people like lead character Eliza Dooley but you don't want to watch them on tv. Plus they lost me when Eliza goes to beg Henry to make her a better person. Bitch please, pick yourself up. You don't need a man to change you, you can change you at any time.
Verdict: Dads was funnier


So what about you guys? Anything I should check-out that I haven't yet?

Monday, September 29, 2014

SMM: Clark Kent's Glasses Are A Better Disguise


Episode 6: Tuxedo Mask


We open with Sailor Moon looking at her awesome new Moon Stick.

~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

We see a sequence of the princess on the balcony  with a legion of men in suites with swords and shields storming the castle below. We see the princess scream "Legendary Silver Crystal" and then we see Mamoru wake up and look at his pocket watch. Do people still wear pocket watches besides Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory?

Mamoru says he heard someone calling to him in his dreams and opens the window to his apartment and see the outline of the princess flashing before him. He wonders who she is and what the Legendary Silver Crystal is.
I'm assuming the same morning, we cut to Usagi running up to Ami and Makoto on the street corner to walk to school. They congratulate her on one being late for a change and even I have to give her a plus +2 for that. Usagi says she has been having bad dreams a lot which keep waking her up earlier.

We then flashback to the same dream sequence Mamoru was having except Usagi sees a knight trying to save her. She then rounds the corner and runs right into Mamoru because of course she does. This anime is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop and it amazes me that iMac still hasn't put together what is going on. He watches anime's way more complicated than this one.

Usagi cries and then yells at Mamoru, who tells her that she should be more careful and calls her bun-head. It's still not the same as being called meatball head. Mamoru tries to help her up but being a stubborn 13 year old Usagi brushes him off and gets up herself. Then she gets all flustered because girl you like him and we all know it. Mamoru walks off an Makoto asks who he is. Usagi says she doesn't know but she bumps into him a lot. Makoto notices Usagi blushing and immediately starts teasing her.

Ami then notices Mamoru's outfit comes from a very elite private high school and asks if Usagi knows his name.

Usagi replies that he is Mamoru Chiba and a real jerk, because when you are 13 and you like a guy they are all real jerks to you. Makoto teases Usagi some more and I like Makoto because as least she calls it as she sees it.

Ami then notices the TV screen (in the middle of a walkway in town??) talking about Tuxedo Mask who claims to be committing the recent wave of crimes in order to obtain the Legendary Silver Crystal. The real star of this scene is a cutaway to Usagi's mom using a cat toy to play with Luna back at the house, because even though she is a talking cat with her own computer system and magically bag of tools, she cannot escape playing with a feather on a pole.
Moving on to school, the chatter is all about Tuxedo mask and the Legendary Silver Crystal. The thing is they all keep talking about the Crystal being an incredible treasure but no one knows what the fuck it is. Proof that a little mystery is the only thing needed to make something famous.

We cut away from the chatter of teenager girls to see Tuxedo Mask standing on a rooftop looking glum saying this way he can gather information and the crystal will be his mwahahahahaha

Cut to Queen Beryl watching the news from her crystal ball. Zoisite and Kunzite chuckling to themselves about how it will be interesting watching the Sailor Scouts, Tuxedo Mask and the humans all fight over the Crystal. Beryl says no, that Crystal belongs to the dark kingdom and how they have failed to gather enough energy for their dark ruler. Nephrite begs for another chance by Zoisite says to leave everything to him and his epic golden flowing hair.

That night the Sailor Scouts and Luna are holding a meeting in the arcade after dark. I'm sorry, how exactly did they get in there when its closed? I hardly think the owner gave Luna a key so she can have her secret covert meetings. Luna is concerned about what Tuxedo Mask is doing and doesn't want to think he is the enemy. Makoto asks who the real enemy is and Luna says she has been doing research and has some ideas. She tells them that the Crystal has the power to destroy whole planets. So basically its the Death Star in shiny wearable form. Luna then drops the bombshell that she was sent from the moon. So basically Luna is an alien cat, which explains her ability to pull giant wands out of thin air.

Usagi then hallucinates that the Sailor V game was talking to her and that is the least weird thing going on in this episode. Sailor Moon than asks about Sailor V and the team wonders if she is one of them... Cue Foreshadowing.

At the TV station they are talking about the Crystal and what it is. They cut to a "doctor who specializes in researching the Crystal" and its clearly Zoisite and his epic golden locks dressed as a woman. He uses the tv broadcast to transfix all the people watching into helping him find the Crystal and zapping the energy out of them at the same time.

Usagi goes home to find her mother clearing out her closets looking for the Crystal and I have to wonder, since none of these people even know what the Crystal looks like, how would they know when they found it?

Luna then talks through her computer to Ami, who is standing in broad daylight (even though it was night 5 seconds ago) saying things are getting pretty crazy with a rush of people are breaking into building looking for the Crystal that they wouldn't recognize if they found. Luna says to regroup at the arcade. When they get to the arcade it is night again. Does time change in Japan more frequently than it does for the rest of the world?

Anyways Luna then does a special code on the video game machines and a giant underground batcave opens up under the arcade machines. When did Luna have time to do all this and who took orders from a talking cat to get it done?


As they rush down the stairs one of the Sailor Scouts sums up what I am thinking perfectly, "are you kidding me?" Luna says the energy is being concentrated at one spot, the TV station. Luna thinks Tuxedo Mask is doing it and and Usagi freaks out because NOT HER SECRET CRUSH!! Luna tells Usagi to clam down, which is a bad thing to say to a woman of any age, she then says Tuxedo Mask might be tricking her and Usagi runs out like the hormonal 13 year old girl she is.

Usagi runs through the street trying to figure out if Tuxedo mask is her friend or enemy while the Sailor Scouts actually get to work bringing down Zoisite. And its CGI Transformation time!

While her team is actually doing work, Usagi gets all weak and tired probably from all the running and meetings and not eating dinner.  She starts to pass out when Tuxedo mask catches her like the good stalker he is. She wakes back up and Tuxedo Mask apologizes for causing all the chaos. He says he didn't mean for this to happen he just really wanted that Crystal but he doesn't have any bad-ass super powers like the Sailor Scouts. Usagi says she doesn't have any powers either but bitch please, we saw your super sonic cry in the first episode.

The Sailor Scouts are having no luck against Zoisite, who vanquishes them pretty freaking easily. Queen Beryl comes down from the sky to gloat and I just can't help thinking how much Queen Beryl would be the perfect outfit for a drag queen. Luna and the Scouts are all "Sailor Moon where are you??"

Just this time Tuxedo Mask tells Usagi that she'd better transform and help her friends and she's all "WHAT WHAT WHAT you know who I am?!?"

Bitch please, everyone on the show knows who you are except maybe your mother. Your disguise is more pitiful than Clark Kent's glasses. I mean if you wanted to hide yourself better you could start by changing your hair, because no one else wears it like that. Usagi gets all "woe is me" saying that she doesn't have any skills and then Tuxedo Mask pulls out the biggest sappy power- "you have a special power to make people smile." Are you kidding me? Thats as bad as being heart on Captain Planet. There is a reason they call "Heart, not it" over on Snark Squad. 

Usagi suddenly feels stronger and then transforms. Apparently CGI transformations also gives Sailor Moon the ability to jump all the way across town on onto the roof of a TV Station. That's one powerful jump.

Queen Beryl tells her to bow before her power and Sailor Moon is all "nah, bitch I think not." She breaks out "Moon Healing Escalation," which I hope sounds cooler in Japanese because it makes me think its better suited for a hospital than vanquishing foes. Anyways Zoisite gets all blasted and Queen Beryl picks up he-of-the-pretty-hair and disappears back to the nether regions. Sailor Moon heals all the transfixed people before passing out again. This girl passes out more than anyone I know. Luckily, Tuxedo Mask is there to catch her as she falls again, He creepily kisses a passed out girl again and if I was Sailor Moon I would be taking out a restraining order.

As Tuxedo Mask carries Sailor Moon home, we get our first glimpse of Sailor V and we know its the real Sailor V because its Artemis with her (looking all smug with his cat self)!!

Usagi has the dream again about the knight coming to save her and wakes up in a weird bed. She sees Mamoru's pocketwatch of the moon and I'm just wondering how she switched out of her Sailor uniform? Did Mamoru change her out of it while she was passed out, because that's creepy as shit. Also did nobody worry where Usagi was when she didn't come home the night before and none of her friends had heard from here? These are literally the worst family/friends ever.

She wonders whose watch it is and wonder if it's Tuxedo Masks when Mamoru notices she's awake from the doorway where he is creeping again. It's only then does Usagi realize that Tuxedo Mask and Mamoru look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!!


And then the episode ends and I get sad that I still have to wait for Episode 8 before I get my Sailor V!!



#Crystal Count: 19 (which means they said the words Legendary Silver Crystal once every 1.57 seconds)
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