Monday, October 20, 2014

SMM: Savior Complexes and How Can These Bitches Fly?

Episode 8: Sailor V

We open where the last episode left off, with Sailor Moon being saved by Sailor V and her badass self. Sailor Moon is all "are you Sailor V?" *Fangirl Squeal*

Cut to Queen Beryl looking none fucking pleased that there is yet another meddlesome kid she has to deal with.

The other Sailor Scouts get to their feet and Rei, the ever keenful one, points out that she doesn't look like the Sailor V that they are used to seeing. I'm really glad they brought this up because the costume change was weird to not be mentioned. Sailor V says this is true because she normally wears this mask. Sailor Moon is all YAYAY it is Sailor V!!! when Artmeis (the little white cat) cuts her off saying its rude because she's not just Sailor V she is also Princess Serenity of the Silver Millennium, Moon Kingdom (**my thoughts on this later) and Sailor Moon's eyes get even wider than I thought possible.

~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

Sailor Moon is all YAY princess when the tiara on her head changes shape into bullhorns (???) and then she has a flashback to the Silver Millennium but can't quite grab onto it. Only then does she realize Zoisite is still behind her trying to kill her. Zoisite disappears back into nothingness and Tuxedo Mask gets all freaked out by Princess Serenity and hightails it out of there while Usagi cries out after him. Tuxedo Mask gets all pouty because he's shitty at protecting people.

Sailor V comes down off the roof and applauds Sailor Moon for doing such a good job. I have to say this scene smacks of being patted on the head, being told you did a good job and now let the grown-ups take over. Sailor Moon doesn't get this condescension I see because she is way too engrossed on her idol standing right in front of here.

Sailor V then says she has been instructing them all on how to fight through the Sailor V game and Usagi suddenly seems like less of a hallucinating nut-job. Luna chimes in on the communicator and Sailor V is "bitch I took care of this I will meet you soon." Sailor V changes back into her human girl mode and introduces herself as Minako Aino. This scene really shows how much they managed to make Mina and Usagi look almost identical.

The scouts all make there way to the underground arcade command center and Luna apologizes that she couldn't come meet the princess. The Scouts ask where Mina has been all this time and she says she met Artemis long before they had met Luna. Mina had taken it upon her 14 year old girl self to investigate all the crime in Tokyo because you know being a super hero is every 14 year old girl's dream. After a while she realized there was a dark evil lurking behind all of these crimes.  Mina realizes its the same person who destroyed the Silver Millenium before. She says that they had managed to seal her away but that the seal was broken and they need to seal her away for good otherwise she will steal everyone's happiness.

Sailor Moon then asks where the Legendary Silver Crystal is and its at this point you realize Sailor V has been lying because she says she hid the crystal away for safekeeping, which any 5 year old kid can tell you is code for "I don't know where it is, but I don't want you to know that."

The Scouts say that the princess can count on them to help protect her. They part ways and Mina and Artemis walk home. Mina realizes the other Sailor Scouts will soon remember everything and that she needs to get this shit wrapped up before that happens. Artemis chimes in that Mina can count on them and that she doesn't need to fight alone. Mina is having none of this bullshit, as home-girl has a mission that can't be completed by anyone else.

We then cut to flashbacks of the silver Millenium in Usagi's dream where she screams out to Mamoru but calls him Endymion and he calls her Princess Serenity. I need to start taking shots everytime someone  in this show has a flashback that tells them everything but they can't figure it the fuck out. Usagi wakes up and convinces herself its all a dream. She convinces herself it was because she met the princess the other day and not because common sense says otherwise.

Usagi is walking through the park and is contemplating how it feels like Sailor V is hiding something from her and for once I applaud that Usagi has some of sixth sense about something because the character has starting to seem a little oblivious. Usagi runs into Mamoru and they have a cut little interchange where he's sorry he couldn't protect her and she's all I stole your pocketwatch like a creeper. He says that he has something of hers that he needs to trade back anyways.

Luna walks off sad-faced because she can't protect Usagi from falling in love with Tuxedo Mask. Just then Artemis shows up being all "we've been keeping things from you and we should probably tell you the truth." I like this turn of events because in the original Anime it felt like Luna pulled all the shots and kept Usagi in the dark. This time around even she is in the dark and it feels less like a betrayal.

In the dark kingdom, Queen Beryl and Metallica (Metalia) are discussing the Princess Serenity and how to lure her out and get the Crystal for themselves. Kunzite shows up and is all let me be your humble servant. Kunzite then speaks directly to Sailor V demanding that she bring the Crystal at once to the tower or he is going to kill everyone in Tokyo. For good measure Kunzite even turns off all the power to the city. See pretty boys of the apocalypse, this is how a real threat works. Even though Artemis tells her its a trap, Minako demands to go to see Kunzite alone even blowing off dinner with the other Sailor Scouts.

Luna then alerts the scouts to the blackout and Usagi is all "mamo-chan" and we cut to Mamoru having a dream about the princess, thinking someone was calling him and waking up to the blackout. Considering we were just talking about dinner in the last scene, either Mamoru is a vampire who sleeps all day or just took an extra long nap after school.

Back to Minako, who transforms into Sailor V and I have to say this is one of my favorite transformations.  It's very similar to the Sailor Moon transformation but shorter,

She and Kunzite have a bit of a of conversation where he demands the crystal and she's like no. She throws her boomerang, it bounces off him, he throws green energy at her, she tries to convince him of his previous life. Fangirls every where get all squeally.  Then the Sailor Scouts uses their own green energy bubble (?) to teleport to the roof of the building to save Sailor V. Sailor V tries to tell them to leave because its too dangerous and the scouts are all 'but we are such good friends we can't leave you alone to fight even though we met you less than 48 hours ago."

The scouts all attack, Sailor Moon tries her moon healing escalation, which doesn't work and then Kunzite starts blowing bitches up. The scouts try to bubble off the roof, but Sailor Moon gets knocked out and of course who comes to save the day (hint: its not Mighty Mouse)?  Tuxedo mask, who catches Sailor Moon before she plummets to her death,

Usagi is all you came to save me again and then is like "boy it's too dangerous for you here, let us girls fight this battle" before she kisses him and jumps away. Mamoru then has a long introspective about how Usagi has so many sides and how he is totes obssessed with her and her bun-hair.

Sailor Moon then jumps into the air and floats there for an unnaturally long time, which I don't get. Is this supposed to be one of her super-powers? I have to say its better than the sonic crying from Episode 1. Kunzite goes to attack and then Tuxedo Mask jumps into the way to save Sailor Moon and they both float in the air until they are knocked away and the episode ends in true Anime style with a cliffhanger.

** Spoiler Alert: do not read if you don't know what is going to happen**

Okay you were warned. There was a lot of talk on tumblr about Sailor V lying about being the Princess. Some people argued that she didn't know she wasn't really the Princess. My read on this is that Minako knows full well that Usagi is the Princess. In the Manga, Sailor V was the Princess' bodyguard and double. Sailor V would pretend to be the Princess to keep her safe. It seems clear that Sailor Moon Crystal staying much more true to the Manga. Sailor V knows that Usagi is the princess but feels like its her duty to keep her safe, hence all the "I can do this alone" and "its my job and burden to bear" stuff that we get from Sailor V in this episode.

**Spoilers ended**

#Silver Crystal Count: 8

Monday, October 6, 2014

SMM: Character Development and Other Such Nonsense

Episode 7: Mamoru Chiba

We open back in Mamoru's bedroom where Usagi is still confused about where she is and how Mamoru is Tuxedo Mask. Usagi recaps the night before and then feels like a dumbass for not realizing Mamoru was Tuxedo mask like a million years ago. But then she has to ask him to confirm he's Tuxedo Mask and I'm all why? Who else keeps a top hat and mask on the table in his bedroom?

~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

Usagi asks why he became Tuxedo Mask and he gives us this  backstory of losing his parents as a child and not remembering who he was. He just keeps having dreams of a girl and the words "Legendary Silver Crystal." Mamoru think the key to regaining his lost memories is finding the Crystal. It's horribly sad but I also wonder how a teenage boy is living on his own and attending a fancy private school. What is with Japan's parental guardian laws?

He asks why Usagi is after it and she says its because Luna told her to find it an protect it. I'm slightly concerned that Mamoru doesn't ask who Luna is but I have the feeling he's already realized there is a talking cat afoot. He asks Usagi to keep it a secret between them and they stare lovingly into each others eyes for until Usagi freaks out and tells him that Luna is waiting for her. He grabs to stop her but its only because she forgot her bag which he sticks between the buns on her head. RUDE.

I'm very confused by this next scene because Usagi literally just woke up from sleeping and it was daytime and now she is walking home and its nighttime. Did he just hold that bag on her head for 8 hours?  Anyways Usagi is all introspective because Mamoru called her Usako, which is a term of endearment I think. Usagi is all two steps away from doodling Usagi Chiba all over her notebooks, or whatever her name would be if they got married because I am not an expert on Japanese familial names and how they work.

We then spy on Luna being all sneaky in her acarde fortress where she is clearly talking to Sailor V about everything that has been going on and how Usagi isn't that great at being the leader of this ragtag group. Luna asks for more time but Sailor V isn't having it. This just confirms my theory that Sailor V was the badass in charge the whole time.

Down in the netherworld, Queen Beryl is awaking the Queen Metalia (who I really want to call Queen Metallica) is complaining that Beryl didn't get her the Crystal yet. Beryl says the Sailor Scouts have been meddling kids and stopping her progress. Metalia says they cannot defeat her again and that Beryl must stop them from re-awaking the moon kingdom.

Then we get some character backstory on Queen Beryl. Good job Sailor Moon Crystal for having backstory and more three-dimensional characters than the original Sailor Moon. The bad guys are still bad and the good guys are still good, but at least we get some motivation for their actions. Beryl was led by a mysterious force and discovered the Dark Kingdom but secretly she wants the Crystal for herself. Then she says "Legendary Silver Crystal" 6 times in a row and tells Zoisite to go get Sailor Moon for her.

And randomly we are in Japan's version of Blockbuster where Naru and friends are picking out movies. Rei just happens to be walking passed the Blockbuster and overhears people talking about Sailor Moon. Clearly Rei is getting bad mojo vibes from the movie store.

Now its lunchtime because fuck continuity and real time bullshit. Makoto, Ami and Usagi are having lunch or more accurately:  Ami is using a knock-off Ipad to research Sailor V, Usagi is eating Makoto's lunch and Makoto is sitting there laughing.  Ami points out that Sailor V has a crescent shape on her head like Luna and then out of nowhere Unimo, the annoying nerd, shows up acting all weird, being obsessed with Sailor Moon and wanting to catch her.

Luna pops her head out of the bushes because cat. Ami asks if she knows anything about Sailor V and Luna manages to be the worst lying cat ever claiming to know nothing about her. Usagi happens to be stuffing her face at the time because hands are overrated and gets ketchup all over her face. Then Usagi gets all embarrassed and vogues? IDK Anime is weird.

Usagi then realizes that she has Mamoru's pocketwatch and gets all pensive about her new love but that she's not telling them about it because she doesn't want Luna to stop her from seeing him again. Just like a mother cat trying to protect her. Then we see Mamoru across town sniffing Usagi's handkerchief like a fucking creeper.

Usagi tries to walk home with Naru but Naru is all NOPE I have to hunt down Sailor Moon like everyone else in the classroom. Luna then pops out of nowhere to stand on Usagi's shoulder and tell her that the entire class is possessed . Damn well they better be possessed otherwise the talking cat is really going to seem out of place. They take Naru's dvd back to the arcade, because clearly this is where all good research happens. They stick the dvd into the arcade machine (???) because they suddenly have DVD slots and the machine just stops working. Usagi bangs on it and freakishly Sailor V starts talking to her in a non-hallucination but still creepy way.

Mamoru is riding the bus home being all why did I tell a 13 year old girl that shit because 13 year old girls are horrible at keeping secrets. Then he realizes that everyone on the bus is hunting down Sailor Moon and gets all worried for his new 13 year old love.

Ami manages to crack the DVD which shows Zoisite hypnotizing everyone to capture Sailor Moon and bring her to the dark Kingdom. Cut to the other Sailor Scouts realizing that shit is fucked up in town and that everyone is after Sailor Moon. The three Sailor Scouts run off to help Usagi but she's just staring at Mamoru's pocketwatch. She finally transforms which seems like a stupid thing to do when the entire town is after you, but hey 13 year old girl. The town tries to capture her but she waves her wand and they wonder what they fuck they are doing there.

Zoisite falls down from nowhere and captures Sailor Moon like the devious but beautifully haired villain he is.  He demands the Crystal but obviously Sailor Moon doesn't have a fucking clue where it is. The scouts show up in time to throw attacks at Zoisite who is holding Sailor Moon. Do they think the attacks will just hurt Zoisite and not hostage too? Or do they just not care that their leader is going to be hurt by these attacks?

Either way it doesn't matter and Zoisite bubbles himself and doesn't even get a scratch. He manages to knock out all the scouts and continue to grill Sailor Moon until he choke holds her to passing out.  Luna then freaks out into the computer screaming. Of course, who shows up just in time to save the day? Tuxedo Mask, because of course.

He catches Sailor Moon and faces off with Zoisite who proves to be too powerful for him. Zoisite realizes Tuxedo Mask wants the Crystal too, but then Tuxedo Mask is all nope I really just like Usagi because awwwwww and also way to give away Usagi's not-so-secret identity. Zoisite is not phased by true love and goes to kill Sailor Moon when finally the Calvary arrives in the form of Sailor V and her magical boomerang tiara and badass cat. Seriously, there could have been no better way to introduce her character.

So finally Sailor Venus arrives and the whole next episode is devoted to her. Fangirls everywhere can start squealing.

Crystal Count:18

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Judgy McJudgerson Judges the New Fall Premieres

 So I recently upgraded my Tivo to a fancy new model (the Roamio- it is perfect name because I would run away with this box) that happens to record 6 shows at once and have entirely too much free space on it. So I figured I would grade a few of the new buzzy shows this season, these are the results


Red Band Society

Pros: Octavia Spencer, Ricky from My So-Called Life (Wilson Cruz), Sexy Dave Annabell and some adorably cute dying teenagers.
Cons: It's about dying teenagers who live in the hospital, so the chance of death is high
Thoughts: The mean-girl cheerleader who is dying from a bad heart is funny but she gets old fast. It hurts to watch brilliant but emotionally-fragile Emma as the anorexic but the lead character Jordi is adorable and potentially the first to die. Really the best parts aren't the kids but the Hospital Staff. I wanna be Octavia Spencer's snarky nurse when I grow up and Ricky is the perfect wing-man to her character. I can't help but want to root for rookie Nurse Dobler even though she clearly kind of ditzy.
Verdict: Even iMac is hooked

How to Get Away with Murder

Pros: Viola Davis, twistier than a roller coaster, Lawyer verbiage
Cons: too much cast, more secrets than a 13 year-old girls diary
Thoughts: Viola Davis' star presence totally stole the show in the first episode but the secondary and tertiary characters are too thinly written to stand-up to her. Granted its the first episode and they only had an hour to set-up everything. I'm hoping the supporting cast gets a little more depth. Also, the roller coaster twists and turns have the potential to get old fast especially when everyone is keeping secrets.
Verdict: Intrigued but could go south quick

Pros: The Casting, Good Premise
Cons: The title, the writing
Thoughts: So this was pitched as "My Fair Lady" updated for the modern world and I was all "THAT SOUNDS AWESOME." I was thoroughly let down though. The casting is good for the show but its quickly became a caricature of all the vapid shallow things that people do now a days. I'm not saying there aren't people like lead character Eliza Dooley but you don't want to watch them on tv. Plus they lost me when Eliza goes to beg Henry to make her a better person. Bitch please, pick yourself up. You don't need a man to change you, you can change you at any time.
Verdict: Dads was funnier

So what about you guys? Anything I should check-out that I haven't yet?

Monday, September 29, 2014

SMM: Clark Kent's Glasses Are A Better Disguise

Episode 6: Tuxedo Mask

We open with Sailor Moon looking at her awesome new Moon Stick.

~*Shiny Moonlight Makeup Song*~

We see a sequence of the princess on the balcony  with a legion of men in suites with swords and shields storming the castle below. We see the princess scream "Legendary Silver Crystal" and then we see Mamoru wake up and look at his pocket watch. Do people still wear pocket watches besides Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory?

Mamoru says he heard someone calling to him in his dreams and opens the window to his apartment and see the outline of the princess flashing before him. He wonders who she is and what the Legendary Silver Crystal is.
I'm assuming the same morning, we cut to Usagi running up to Ami and Makoto on the street corner to walk to school. They congratulate her on one being late for a change and even I have to give her a plus +2 for that. Usagi says she has been having bad dreams a lot which keep waking her up earlier.

We then flashback to the same dream sequence Mamoru was having except Usagi sees a knight trying to save her. She then rounds the corner and runs right into Mamoru because of course she does. This anime is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop and it amazes me that iMac still hasn't put together what is going on. He watches anime's way more complicated than this one.

Usagi cries and then yells at Mamoru, who tells her that she should be more careful and calls her bun-head. It's still not the same as being called meatball head. Mamoru tries to help her up but being a stubborn 13 year old Usagi brushes him off and gets up herself. Then she gets all flustered because girl you like him and we all know it. Mamoru walks off an Makoto asks who he is. Usagi says she doesn't know but she bumps into him a lot. Makoto notices Usagi blushing and immediately starts teasing her.

Ami then notices Mamoru's outfit comes from a very elite private high school and asks if Usagi knows his name.

Usagi replies that he is Mamoru Chiba and a real jerk, because when you are 13 and you like a guy they are all real jerks to you. Makoto teases Usagi some more and I like Makoto because as least she calls it as she sees it.

Ami then notices the TV screen (in the middle of a walkway in town??) talking about Tuxedo Mask who claims to be committing the recent wave of crimes in order to obtain the Legendary Silver Crystal. The real star of this scene is a cutaway to Usagi's mom using a cat toy to play with Luna back at the house, because even though she is a talking cat with her own computer system and magically bag of tools, she cannot escape playing with a feather on a pole.
Moving on to school, the chatter is all about Tuxedo mask and the Legendary Silver Crystal. The thing is they all keep talking about the Crystal being an incredible treasure but no one knows what the fuck it is. Proof that a little mystery is the only thing needed to make something famous.

We cut away from the chatter of teenager girls to see Tuxedo Mask standing on a rooftop looking glum saying this way he can gather information and the crystal will be his mwahahahahaha

Cut to Queen Beryl watching the news from her crystal ball. Zoisite and Kunzite chuckling to themselves about how it will be interesting watching the Sailor Scouts, Tuxedo Mask and the humans all fight over the Crystal. Beryl says no, that Crystal belongs to the dark kingdom and how they have failed to gather enough energy for their dark ruler. Nephrite begs for another chance by Zoisite says to leave everything to him and his epic golden flowing hair.

That night the Sailor Scouts and Luna are holding a meeting in the arcade after dark. I'm sorry, how exactly did they get in there when its closed? I hardly think the owner gave Luna a key so she can have her secret covert meetings. Luna is concerned about what Tuxedo Mask is doing and doesn't want to think he is the enemy. Makoto asks who the real enemy is and Luna says she has been doing research and has some ideas. She tells them that the Crystal has the power to destroy whole planets. So basically its the Death Star in shiny wearable form. Luna then drops the bombshell that she was sent from the moon. So basically Luna is an alien cat, which explains her ability to pull giant wands out of thin air.

Usagi then hallucinates that the Sailor V game was talking to her and that is the least weird thing going on in this episode. Sailor Moon than asks about Sailor V and the team wonders if she is one of them... Cue Foreshadowing.

At the TV station they are talking about the Crystal and what it is. They cut to a "doctor who specializes in researching the Crystal" and its clearly Zoisite and his epic golden locks dressed as a woman. He uses the tv broadcast to transfix all the people watching into helping him find the Crystal and zapping the energy out of them at the same time.

Usagi goes home to find her mother clearing out her closets looking for the Crystal and I have to wonder, since none of these people even know what the Crystal looks like, how would they know when they found it?

Luna then talks through her computer to Ami, who is standing in broad daylight (even though it was night 5 seconds ago) saying things are getting pretty crazy with a rush of people are breaking into building looking for the Crystal that they wouldn't recognize if they found. Luna says to regroup at the arcade. When they get to the arcade it is night again. Does time change in Japan more frequently than it does for the rest of the world?

Anyways Luna then does a special code on the video game machines and a giant underground batcave opens up under the arcade machines. When did Luna have time to do all this and who took orders from a talking cat to get it done?

As they rush down the stairs one of the Sailor Scouts sums up what I am thinking perfectly, "are you kidding me?" Luna says the energy is being concentrated at one spot, the TV station. Luna thinks Tuxedo Mask is doing it and and Usagi freaks out because NOT HER SECRET CRUSH!! Luna tells Usagi to clam down, which is a bad thing to say to a woman of any age, she then says Tuxedo Mask might be tricking her and Usagi runs out like the hormonal 13 year old girl she is.

Usagi runs through the street trying to figure out if Tuxedo mask is her friend or enemy while the Sailor Scouts actually get to work bringing down Zoisite. And its CGI Transformation time!

While her team is actually doing work, Usagi gets all weak and tired probably from all the running and meetings and not eating dinner.  She starts to pass out when Tuxedo mask catches her like the good stalker he is. She wakes back up and Tuxedo Mask apologizes for causing all the chaos. He says he didn't mean for this to happen he just really wanted that Crystal but he doesn't have any bad-ass super powers like the Sailor Scouts. Usagi says she doesn't have any powers either but bitch please, we saw your super sonic cry in the first episode.

The Sailor Scouts are having no luck against Zoisite, who vanquishes them pretty freaking easily. Queen Beryl comes down from the sky to gloat and I just can't help thinking how much Queen Beryl would be the perfect outfit for a drag queen. Luna and the Scouts are all "Sailor Moon where are you??"

Just this time Tuxedo Mask tells Usagi that she'd better transform and help her friends and she's all "WHAT WHAT WHAT you know who I am?!?"

Bitch please, everyone on the show knows who you are except maybe your mother. Your disguise is more pitiful than Clark Kent's glasses. I mean if you wanted to hide yourself better you could start by changing your hair, because no one else wears it like that. Usagi gets all "woe is me" saying that she doesn't have any skills and then Tuxedo Mask pulls out the biggest sappy power- "you have a special power to make people smile." Are you kidding me? Thats as bad as being heart on Captain Planet. There is a reason they call "Heart, not it" over on Snark Squad. 

Usagi suddenly feels stronger and then transforms. Apparently CGI transformations also gives Sailor Moon the ability to jump all the way across town on onto the roof of a TV Station. That's one powerful jump.

Queen Beryl tells her to bow before her power and Sailor Moon is all "nah, bitch I think not." She breaks out "Moon Healing Escalation," which I hope sounds cooler in Japanese because it makes me think its better suited for a hospital than vanquishing foes. Anyways Zoisite gets all blasted and Queen Beryl picks up he-of-the-pretty-hair and disappears back to the nether regions. Sailor Moon heals all the transfixed people before passing out again. This girl passes out more than anyone I know. Luckily, Tuxedo Mask is there to catch her as she falls again, He creepily kisses a passed out girl again and if I was Sailor Moon I would be taking out a restraining order.

As Tuxedo Mask carries Sailor Moon home, we get our first glimpse of Sailor V and we know its the real Sailor V because its Artemis with her (looking all smug with his cat self)!!

Usagi has the dream again about the knight coming to save her and wakes up in a weird bed. She sees Mamoru's pocketwatch of the moon and I'm just wondering how she switched out of her Sailor uniform? Did Mamoru change her out of it while she was passed out, because that's creepy as shit. Also did nobody worry where Usagi was when she didn't come home the night before and none of her friends had heard from here? These are literally the worst family/friends ever.

She wonders whose watch it is and wonder if it's Tuxedo Masks when Mamoru notices she's awake from the doorway where he is creeping again. It's only then does Usagi realize that Tuxedo Mask and Mamoru look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!!

And then the episode ends and I get sad that I still have to wait for Episode 8 before I get my Sailor V!!

#Crystal Count: 19 (which means they said the words Legendary Silver Crystal once every 1.57 seconds)

Monday, September 8, 2014

SMM: Unsupervised Children and their Stalkers

previously on Sailor Moon, We learned that magical umbrella's can catch your fall

Episode 5: Sailor Jupiter

We open with a really pretty umbrella. I'm a little jealous the Japanese always seem to have really decorative umbrella where as the best I can find is a polka dot one. Under the umbrella a tall red-headed girl is complainig about rain. Cut to Usagi yawning and Luna chiding her for not being very observant. Lets be honest Luna, Usagi is the most clueless non-observant character on the show.  Usagi then makes fun of Luna for getting fat, because she's a cat and that is the only thing you can hurt a cat with is her weight. Of course, Usagi not being observant steps right out into the street in front of a speeding car. Luckily our tall-red head girl is there to push her out of the way otherwise this would be the shortest series in Japanese anime history.

We get a close up on the girl's earrings and they are pink roses. This is a girl after my own heart. The girl chides Usagi to be more careful, picks up her umbrella and walks off like the badass she is. All Usagi can say is "she smelled really nice." Really? She saves your life and this is the best you can come up with?

~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

 Back in Queen Beryl's chambers she is lamenting that they still haven't found the Legendary Silver Crystal and those meddlesome Sailor Scouts and their cat have been getting in her way. I'm pretty sure there is a Scooby Doo reference to be mad her but I've had a long weekend and can't find the right words. Nephrite asks to redeem himself and says they he will uses the human's greatest weakness, love, to harness their energies for their dark queen.

Back at school, Usagi is oohing over Naru's picture of her in a wedding dress. Apparently Naru's cousin is getting married but couldn't make the fitting so Naru stepped in. I have to call busllshit on this:
  1. 1. how does the bride miss her own dress fitting? This is like the most important part of a wedding. You cannot miss the dress fitting.

  2. 2. This is commonly used trope in tv and movies that the brides misses the fitting a freind/family member/boyfriend-stealing hussy steps in. But has this ever happened in real life? No two people would be close enough in size for this. Leave me a comment if you know anytime this has actually happened in real life.
Moving on, this set-up this weekend story of a bridal shop with a ghost bride that steals all the grooms away.  While Usagi and her friend go one and one about getting married and wearing a wedding dress, we see the tall red-head girl in the background.  Usagi accidentally bumps into her and the red-head tells her to be careful again. While Usagi and her friend watch on some random teacher (who is a foot shorter than the girl) questions why she isn't in the school uniform and being the badass she is the girl tells the teacher to STFU.

We are informed she is the new transfer student in class 6 with superhuman strength that apparently got kicked out of her old school for getting into a fight. So basically she is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Later on we see the red-head girl trying to eat lunch but is tired of people staring at her and whispering being her back so she goes outside to eat lunch alone. Girl I am with you on that. Those people are being completely rude. Usagi skips her way outside getting ready to chow down when she sees the red-head girl with a pretty lunch box. Going into stalker mode, Usagi manages to sneak up behind the girl in the least convincing way possible and sees that red-head girl has a beautifully designed lunch. Seriously, the Japanese make their lunch look so fancy and I'm over here eating badly made PB&Js.

Not being able to control herself, Usagi shoots out how yummy the red-heads lunch looks and then a baseball comes flying at her face. Of course the red-headed girl catches it with one hand, making my hand her just watching the scene. Girl has some quick reflexes. She then throws the baseball back at lightening speed and yells at them to be more careful. This scene just makes me want to sign this character to an MLB contract. There has to be some team that needs an arm like that.

The red-head tells Usagi she shouldn't space out so much and tries to eat her lunch but Usagi is all "that looks delicious" like a poor puppy who hasn't been fed in a week and the red-head ends up offering her some. Usagi goes on about how delicious it is and then the red-head tells her its easy to make, leading Usagi into a tailspin that people can cook this well and for themselves. The more the two girls talk the more Usagi is totally girl-crushing on the red-head telling her how amazing she is and that her rose earrings are lovely.

The red head admits she is new in town and living by herself, which WTF Japan? This girl is in middle school and living by herself. Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? Who rented a 13 year old an apartment to live in by herself? (before you go, In the Manga!! I'm aware of the backstory. I just think its implausible and she would have to have a guardian) The redhead goes on to say that everyone in town is scared of her and won't talk to her. Usagi laughs and asks why people would be scared of a lovely girl like her and the red-head's face says it all.

Clearly the red-head has been a social outcast for most of her life because she's freakishly tall and a badass. So Usagi being nice to her is like the best thing that has ever happened. The red-head then asks where an arcade is and they are speaking Usagi's language now.

Cut to Ami walking into the arcade to find Usagi and the redhead playing the Sailor V video game. The red-head has obviously been in several fights as she has battle skills. Usagi introduces the girl to Ami and we finally get a name for the red-head, Makoto. I've actually been waiting for a name the whole episode because in the older American version she was called Lita.

About this time Motoki- the cute arcade attendant shows up saying how Usagi has all the cute friends and I immediately think Pedophile alert as he looks to be at least five years older than them.  Makoto has flashbacks to a blond-hair guy who kind of looks like Motoki who she calls senpai and abruptly looses the video game and gets all flustered.

Motoki brings up the weird zombie bridal shop and the three girls go over there to look. Makoto falls in love with a wedding dress in the window and the three girls talk about their dream wedding dresses. Makoto says she would wear whatever dress her husband likes best and I have to throw a- 

If I had wore what my husband liked to our wedding I would have gotten married in a white lace thong and bra set. Seriously, most men can't tell the difference between pumps and slingbacks. Don't let them make your style decisions.

Moving on, the girls hear some random women talking about the ghost bride that walks around and seduces women. So the three girls go to Rei's temple to tell her about it. Rei has this weird flash on Makoto. Makoto walks around aimlessly while Ami, Rei and Usagi talk about the ghost bride giving Luna the chance to inspect Makoto like the weird know-it-all-stalker cat she is. Rei and Luna have their weird know-it-all powwow about how they will see Makoto again soon as she leaves the temple. 

Time jump: it is now the middle of the night and the creepy ghost zombie bride is coming alone. Even though its late at night Motoki is closing up the arcade and the zombie bride comes for him and tells him to be her slave with her creepy glowy eyes.  Cut to Makoto walking home even though it late at night and she is all of 13 and shouldn't be out by herself. Zombie Motoki comes up to her and tell her he loves her and transfixes her with his evil glowy stare.

Plot Convenience Alert: who happens to just-so-happen to be walking by when this is going on? Mamoru, because of course he is. He sees the evil green energy coming off zombie Motoki and  immediately knows what is going on.

After the commercial break, we find Usagi running in her dream. She wakes up to find Tuxedo Mask helping her out the window. She thinks she's dreaming and I think this is proof she has the worst cover ever. He's already figured out who Sailor Moon is. If this was Spider-man, Mary Jane Watson would be dead already.  Moving on, he takes her to where Motoki and Makoto are having all their energy zapped out of them. 

At least this wakes up Luna and the cat is smart enough to alert Ami and Rei. Somehow all three girls manage to get to the bridal shop at the same time even though Usagi had a good 3 minute head start.  Once there the ghost bride is draining everyone of their energy and the three girls are smart enough to know whats up and we get CGI transformation time,

Sailor Moon is all hell-no you don't get to use people's love against them and the ghost bride throws rose petals at them? Mars manages to do her fire thing and make the roses disappear. About this time Nephrite shows up and calls them all pathetic and easily fooled by appearances.

And now we conveniently cut to a flashback of Makoto being in love with some older boy who blows her off for his girlfriend. Makoto is crushed and decided to leave town and go to a different school because a boy blew her off. I'm sorry if I got to move everytime a boy didn't like me back I would still be moving around. Anyways this causes Makoto to go into a downward spiral of no one understanding her and no one loving her and being alone. I'm pretty sure every 13 year old girl has felt that way once but at least Makoto has legit reasons for feeling that way.

Sailor Moon talks her down from the ledge like every good friend does until nephrite cuts her off an uses the ghost bride to attack the three girls. Makoto gets all-hell- no and starts throwing people around with her superhuman strength. Then out of nowhere, because the cat fucking knows everything, Luna throws her a pen. Somehow Makoto knows exactly what to do and is not freaking out about the talking cat and transforms into Sailor Jupiter.  More CGI transformations but the lightening does look amazingly cool.

Nephrite can't believe his amazingly bad luck. I have to say there would be less sailor guardians if the four pretty boys of the apocalypse would stop causing trouble. Jupiter attacks with her own flower petals and Nephrite has a weird deja vu feeling with Jupiter (I will leave the speculation to you guys). Jupiter then whips out her tiara antenna and lighting blasts everyone away in a bad-ass bitch kind of way.

All the zombie people wake up and we see Tuxedo mask run off the roof while Luna questions his motives. Jupiter than explains that she wanted to move because of her broken heart but also because the wind told her too. I kind of wish the wind would tell me what to do with my life. 

Luna then whips out a new wand, which really where does the cat carry all this shit? She doesn't have enough fur to hide it all and its not convenient to hided it all in that video game machine. Luna slides the wand over to Sailor moon and dubs her the leader and all I can think is why? Usagi is clearly not the person you would want to be in charge of a crime fighting unit. She should be in charge of a cake finding unit.  Luna tells her its her job to protect the princess they haven't found yet and the silver crystal they also haven't found yet. Should be easy to protect if you don't know where they are in the first place.

Only two Legendary Silver Crystal mentions and Usagi didn't even cry once this episode! 

Next time we get some background on iMac's biggest question: what the fuck is up with Tuxedo Mask and his stalking? 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Don't Freak Out: Marriage Edition

So you  guys might remember that I got engaged in May and then promptly broke the zipper of my wedding dress in June (and then cried). Well I am pleased to announce that on August 15th, iMac and I eloped in Savannah, Georgia.

This is not to say that everything went according to plan. In true, Coyote Rose fashion I was a complete nervous wreck/pain-in the ass about everything. As I previously said I broke the zipper of my wedding dress literally ten minutes after getting the dress and that doesn't bode well for anything. So originally iMac and I were going to elope on 8/8. I picked the date on purpose because iMac is forgetful and I hoped that would help him remember. I repeatedly asked iMac to check his calender to make sure he didn't have anything going on that weekend (remember this, it will come up later). After assuring me that he was open that weekend,  I signed a contract with the fabulous woman who runs Elope to Savannah and stopped worrying about it.

Three weeks later I am flipping through my newsfeed and I get one of those ads saying "so-and-so" is going to this conference. This particular so-and-so happened to be one of my developer coworkers and he happened to be going to a conference that iMac's job was hosting. The date? 8/8.

Cue freak out. I think I yelled at iMac for about 3 days straight about this. He had apparently not written down this conference anywhere on anything. Luckily, the nice lady at Elope to Savannah let me push the date off a week to 8/15. The date isn't nearly as cool as 8/8 but I will deal.

Of course what happens next? About two weeks later, iMac gets offer a job with an 60% salary promotion and promptly leaves his old job for this new one. Freeing up the 8/8 date and making me want to get all stabby with my-soon-to-be-husband. Granted the extra $$ he is making at his new job pacified me quite a bit, but still.

Anyways, so the elopement came and went more or less without a hitch. However, because we were doing it out of town and I need the marriage license to get my passport fairly soon (iMac and I are going to Cuba for Christmas), we wanted to get the certified marriage license the same day as the wedding. I didn't think this would be a big deal. The wedding was at 3 p.m., the marriage license office closed at 4:30. Simply enough right?

I love this picture

Of course not. First the court house website lied and the marriage license office closed at 4, which was cutting it dangerously close. Luckily, the square we got married in was within just a few minutes walking distance from the courthouse so I wasn't too concerned. We did the marriage, then the photoshoot that felt like it was never going to end and this is mostly because I hate having my picture taken and finished at about 3:35 pm more than enough time to walk over to the courthouse.

As we leave to walk to the courthouse, however, the skies open up and it starts monsooning on us. Not ten minutes earlier it had been nothing but blue skies and now its a torrential downpour and I'm in my wedding dress and without an umbrella. iMac and I manage to walk under trees (thank you Savannah!) for most of the walk and then cut through the Savannah welcome center. Of course as we are doing this the rain gets worse and I don't want to go back out in the rain because hello I am in my wedding dress.

So my husband of all of 45 minutes saves the day and takes off his flip-flops and runs in the pouring down rain the last 1/4 of a mile to the courthouse, while I sit on the welcome center stairs. He returns about 20 minutes later, soaking wet with our marriage license. I'm pretty sure I made out with his face for 10 minutes as a prize. We waited another 5-10 minutes on the welcome center steps until the rain magically disappeared as quickly as it came.

So now I am officially married and it still feels weird....

Monday, August 18, 2014

SMM: Mary Poppins Bullshit

previously on Sailor Moon, we learned that beautiful people just don't commit murder

Episode 4- Masquerade Dance Party

We open with Luna being the internet's favorite cat and using her computer skills to do research on the Sailor Guardians. My favorite part of the opening is that it clearly labels Rei as an Aries, because Rei is so an Aries. Also, apparently Luna keeps really good records as it even has all of their blood types.  She then brings up Mamoru and labels him suspicious. This cat has good instincts on people because she has clearly figured out he is Tuxedo mask even though no one else has.

~*Shiny Makeup Moonlight Song*~

Luna is waking up Usagi again as this girl is perpetually late to everything all the times. Luna could not possibly be rolling her eyes any harder. We cut downstairs to Usagi's mother reading the paper and saying how great Sailor Moon is to Usagi. Then her mother flips the page and we see a picture of a legendary treasure exhibit. This people is called foreshadowing 101.

Usagi makes her way to school and notices that there are noticeably more police officers out than normal. She tried to convince Luna to let her transform into a marathon runner so that he won't be late to school.  Luna tell her no and then we get a Luna voice-over recapping who Sailor Moon is. Finally, Usagi gets to school and her classmates tell her about the Princess of D being in town with her legendary secret treasure. Of course Luna goes to school with Usagi so she overhears all of this. I'm sorry how does no one notice a cat going into a school building? Or the cat walking with Usagi down the street? No cat I have ever met would do these things.

Later we see Rei telling Ami how smart and brilliant she is and how Rei has never been to an arcade before. Well obviously, arcades stopped existing in 2001 so of course she has never been to one. Ami tell Rei that she had never been to one before Usagi dragged her there either.  Then we get more voice-over narrative from Luna about who these two girls are.I have to wonder, we are on episode 4 is a recap of the last three episodes necessary? Is it because they are showing episodes 2 weeks apart and think people forget that quickly? 

Rei asks where Usagi is and Luna tells them that she got detention for sleeping in class. Surprise, surprise. Ami then teaches Rei how to play video games and its apparent that Rei is uncomfortable with being friends with people. Usagi shows up and Luna proceeds to have a meeting right there in the middle of an arcade
 where anyone can walk in on them at any time. You know I think I need to start counting all the times we have unnecessary cat talking in public.

Clearly not enough high-fives in Rei's world
They ask who the Youma are and Luna says she is not sure but that they must protect the princess as they are her guardians. But of course they have no idea who the princess is because Luna says her power is sealed away so her enemies can't find her. They have to protect her because she has the Legendary Silver Crystal that is the all-powerful Macguffin that will destroy the world. Luna says the guardians are the key to finding the princess and the crystal because once all the guardians are awakened they will know who the princess is. You know for some reason I don't think its going to be that simple.

We then cut away to see Usagi playing video games not listening to any of this. This is the 14 year old girl I expect. Luna then jumps on her head and starts yelling at her to pay attention. We got more of the Princess of D and her legendary treasure backstory and that she is throwing a dinner party tonight. Usagi says she wants to go to the party and Rei in her creepy fortune-teller says that's a bad idea. 

Over at Queen Beryl's camp we get to see Jadeite being teased by the other kings of the dark kingdom (Now known as the the four pretty boys of the apocalypse) for losing out to a pack of girls. Queen Beryl then goes on about rising their great ruler and evil running the world.

Usagi comes home from hanging out the arcade and we see a man in a Tuxedo. I am going to assume this is her father we have never seen before and I have to wonder how this guy with dark black hair and Usagi's mother with purple hair managed to have such a blonde child.  Daddy says that he is going to the dinner party tonight to get an interview for the magazine he works for.

Usagi then decides she is going to the party and uses her magic pen to transform into a princess as Luna makes "what what what" faces.We then see Usagi, Rei and Ami in party dresses heading for the ball and trying to figure out how they will get in. This seems to not be a problem as this party has the worst security ever and the three girls just waltz right in. This Princess of D must not be particularly concerned for her safety as the guards toss out the cat but let three girls without invitations right on in. 

The three girls all say they must find the princess, but Usagi, of course, runs off to be a 14 year old girl and dance the night away. Usagi klutzly knocks into someone and gets her dress as wet and runs off to dry it. Tuxedo Mask sees her and follows her out to ask her to dance. I love that these two see each other all the time and yet both are too dense to realize who the other is. They dance and Usagi gets all girly and emotional because she's 13 and has no idea what butterflies in your stomach are like. Luna then says something and Tuxedo Mask runs off. Luna and Usagi then have a completely inappropriate conversation on the middle of the dance floor when everyone is staring at them. Seriously, these two do not know how to be low-key about the talking cat shit.

Back upstairs, Ami and Rei are actually doing their jobs and protecting the princess from Nephrite who attacks the princess with a Youma. CGI Transformation time! 

The princess of D then runs through the ballroom and transforms the ballroom into a energy-zapping lifevoid. Luna and Usagi run out of the room where Usagi grabs hold of the princess to get her to calm down manages to get knocked off the balcony. Tuxedo Mask catches her arm just in time, showing how much of a dreamboat he is to save the girl. His fingers slip though and they both go falling off the balcony until Luna yells at Usagi to use her pen and it turns into.... an umbrella??? 

This is supposed to help them gently land? Are you kidding me? This is some Mary Poppins Bullshit right there. No umbrella is helping you land from falling off a balcony. Tuxedo Mask thanks her and then runs off again and Luna reminds her that she has work to do since she is supposed to be this bad-ass superhero and stuff. 

During Sailor Moon's transformation we remember that her Tiara got burned up in the last episode and somehow Tuxedo Mask's hand-holding has created Sailor Moon a new, better Tiara? This shit seriously makes no sense. 

Sailor Moon runs over to help Mercury and Mars take down Nephrite but none of their normal tricks work. Tuxedo masks yells down that the only thing that can defeat Nephrite is powerful light and this somehow means that sailor Moon needs to reflect the moonlight from her Tiara towards Nephrite. This shit gets more WTF as it goes on but YAY the Princess of D is saved. 

We then see the four pretty boys of the Apocalypse standing on the rooftop and introducing themselves to the Sailor Guardians and saying they will get the crystal at any cost.  The princess then wakes up and the girls run off to not be seen. The Princess of D then shows us her magical treasure which is a statue of herself made of diamonds. 

Over on the balcony, Sailor Moon is asleep on a bench and Tuxedo Mask being all creepy-stalker comes over and looks down at her. He then leans over and kisses her, which is both charming in a Sleeping Beauty way and creepy in take-advantage of someone sleeping way.

 Luna yell at him to leave Usagi alone, completely blowing Sailor Moon's marginal cover of being a different person. Luna don't you know that as soon as someone knows a superhero's identity that its all over for them? I mean you put Usagi's whole family at risk let alone could have made her a media target. For such  smart cat, that's kind of a dumb move.  Luna asks if Tuxedo Mask is working on their side or the enemies and Tuxedo Mask makes a flippant remark about not knowing before diving over the balcony.

On the other side of town we see a girl stuck out in a rain storm running home.

Luna inappropriately speaks in front of everyone: 2 times 
Legendary Silver Crystal Count: 9 times
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