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This Is Still A Thing People Do?

So like most normal people I listed to the radio on the way to the work every morning. Recently getting heavy rotation on the radio is this song Rude by the band Magic. If you have been living under a rock, here is this song for you.

So the basic premise of the song is pretty simple. Guy is in love with a girl and goes to the girl's dad asking to marry her. The dad says no and guy gets all upset and says the dad is being rude and he's going to marry this girl anyway. Now I'm not entirely sure the dad is being rude per-say, I mean we don't have any reason why he is saying no.

But it got me thinking, is this still a thing? Do guys expect to go to their girlfriend's fathers and ask for their hands in marriage?

I mean I know it still happens. UNC-Sis just got engaged and her fiance went to our stepfather to ask for my sister's hand in marriage and I'm pretty sure my stepdad was like "yeah okay."

 The whole thing just seems bizarre to me though. I mean when I told iMac about my sister getting engaged and her fiance, I told him that if he had asked for permission to marry me I would have said no on principle. It just seems so antiquated. The idea that I belong to my father (or stepfather) and that another man needs permission to obtain me. It makes me feel like a possession and not a person. I might a well have a dowry and bedding ceremony too.

But between this song and my sister, I am starting to wonder if maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. So Internets tell me: did your husband/boyfriend ask your father's permission to marry you? Or if you are not married, would you expect your significant other to ask for your hand in marriage? Is this something as a society we still do?

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Sailor Moon Monday: Cats rule the internet

Episode 2: Ami- Sailor Mercury

We open on a middle school in Japan where a blue haired girl is doing complex mathematical equations. Listen I don't know what the schools are like in Japan, but that looks way to hard for a 13 year old. The teacher hands her back her test where she got a perfect score, because of course she did she was just going calculus on the blackboard at 13.

Then we watch two boys walk by talking about the brilliant girl in class 5  that has a 300 IQ and that she even studies during breaks and has no friends. Of course blue-haired brilliant girl is sitting on a bench studying while they walk by because of course. We then watch the blue-haired girl watch wistfully at Usagi and her friends laughing.
 Credits time: they sing way too much about shiny make-up and then say they are not helpless girls. It's a confusing song.

After the credits it time for the villains! We see last weeks head villain, Jadeite talking to Queen Beryl who is demanding more energy for their master. Queen Beryl is clearly evil, did you see how much cleavage that dress shows? They say "Legendary Silver Crystal" like three times in two minutes. Jadeite then goes and raises the demon of the week.
 Cut back to Usagi's house as she flops down on the bed complaining about being hungry. She asks Luna why she is sticking around and Luna warns her that more evil is coming. Like any good 13 year old, Usagi throws a bitch fit about having to be in danger and not wanting to do it again. I can't blame her, I wouldn't want creepy zombies trying to steal my energy either.
She asks Luna what this evil is and Luna replies "spirits that are not supposed to exist in this world." Thanks for being completely generic Luna. Luna says to find her allies and save the princess. Usagi hopes Tuxedo Mask and Sailor V are on her side and Luna says she has someone a little less fancy in mind.

Usagi is now asleep and Luna is using some sort of super computer to do research on the blue-haired girl, Ami. I would really love to know where Luna is hiding that big super computer in that tiny bedroom. On the bright side, on the internet no one knows if you are a cat and if you are you would probably be treated like royalty.
 Back at school, all the students are huddled around some board with grades on it. Ami has a perfect score in every class. Clearly they are setting Ami up to be the smart girl with no friends. Usagi and friends are talking when unimo tells them that Ami is taking classes up at the Crystal Seminar for super smart people, which is conveniently by the same arcade Usagi goes to. We find out Ami is a genius, her mother's a doctor and their family is rich. Yeah, I'd be jealous of this girl too.

On the way home, bemoaning her grades Usagi sees Ami petting Luna and runs over to talk to her. Ami says Luna come down from the sky like an angel and we all see why Luna likes Ami the best. Usagi then thinks about how cute Ami is and hopes they can be friends so Ami can teach her to study. Seriously the girls needs to learn how to study.

Usagi drags Ami to the arcade where of course Ami is great at the sailor V game. Of course she is, she's a genius and does everything perfect. When Ami finishes the game a blue pen pop-out and Usagi being the spoiled girl she is wants one too and starts shaking the arcade game until one pops-out.

Ami then realizes she has to run to seminar. She says all she is good at is studying and wants to be a doctor like her mom. Usagi's eyes get even wider than they already are (seriously if they get any bigger they will be the only thing on her face) and its clear she has a total girl-crush on Ami.
  At seminar we meet Ami's teacher that gives her a study disk to use. Ami's eyes turn green and we all quickly realize this is the new demon of the week. 

Next day Usagi and friends are going to get ice cream. One of their friends walks by rattling off the digits to Pi and doesn't even acknowledge them. Random friend A says that their friend is now going to the Crystal Seminar too. Usagi goes to find Ami to see if she wants to come get ice cream and Ami clearly wants to go but the brainwashing as gotten to her and she says she has to study. This seems fishy to me, I love to nerd out on books and stuff but I am out the door if someone says ice cream. I don't see anyone saying no to a waffle cone.

Back at Crystal Seminar the teacher is trying to enroll anyone she can. Listen the sign of a good school is how selective they are. The minute you start letting in just anyone something is wrong. Usagi like any good 13 year old is like fuck extra studying and crumples up the flyer and tosses it away. Didn't this girl learn anything about littering from the last episode? What do you know its Mamoru it hits in the face again, and he questions her about Luna talking.  Usagi freaks out and runs away. This is a complete legit reaction to being busted with a talking cat.
Usagi and Luna go home with Ami's Crystal Seminar disk she left and Usagi does whatever every good QA tester does and punches keys on the board until something fishy comes up. They find the brainwashing on the disk and rush over to the Crystal Seminar school to save Ami. The pen Usagi "won" at the arcade earlier turns her into a doctor and I have to wonder why she chose doctor. It's a school, wouldn't a teacher be a better disguise? Also this is the sluttiest doctor disguise ever. It's like the porn version of a doctor.

Inside the teacher is pressuring Ami to work faster so that she can use Ami's amazing brain to take over Tokyo and find the Legendary Silver Crystal. The teacher picks up Ami's pen she won and throws it across the room, Ami goes to pick it up and the teacher grabs her. Just then Usagi runs into the room and Luna attacks the teacher to get Ami free. The teacher asks who Usagi is and she replies a doctor. Usagi tells Ami about the brainwashing which causes the teacher to become all super villainy.

Luna tells Usagi to transform and Usagi hesitates before doing so and we get another 3 minutes of CGI transformation. What amazes me about these transformations is that is seems like Sailor Moon's hair gets longer during these. The girl can step on her hair. Why does her mother let her have it this long? Isn't it heavy?

Sailor Moon taunts the minor villain of the week before starting to cry and scream again. Seriously I cannot get over how bad sonic crying is as a super power. I mean hell Aqua-man has better powers than that. The sonic crying does nothing and the teacher attacks her with thousands of papers. They stick Sailor Moon to the wall and all I can think is this is what they mean by death by a thousand paper-cuts. Also considering how bad Usagi is at school, being killed by tests should be her worst nightmare.

The villain goes after Sailor Moon and Ami screams for her to stop and we see the Greek symbol for Mercury on her forehead. Luna instructs her to transform and for someone with a genius IQ, I find it hard to believe that Ami isn't like "why the fuck is this cat talking to me? Am I hallucinating?" Instead genius girl does as the talking cat says and we get her nifty transformation sequence and another minute of CGI.
 Ami pulls out her special trick of aqua-mist and confuses the demon of the week. Its funny, Sailor Moon can't do anything without instruction and yet Sailor Mercury knows how to do her special attack 30 seconds after changing into the suit? I call bullshit here.

The mist isn't enough and lucky for everyone Tuxedo Mask shows up to save Sailor Moon from the papers. Sailor Moon boomerangs the demon of the week and Tuxedo Mask disappears. Well that is how you end a fight sequence in 3 seconds.

Jadeite hovers over the city the next morning look displeased about the appearance of a new Sailor Scout. Ami and Usagi walk to school and says they are going to be friends from now on, which is good since they will be spending a lot of time together.

# of times someone says "Legendary Silver Crystal" this episode: 5 1/2
# of times Usagi cries/whines: 2

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Introducing: Sailor Moon Monday

So it's been a long time since I have recapped any TV shows on this blog. The last time was 2012 and it was the very first season of Project Runway All-Stars. See the problem with recapping TV shows in real-time (as opposed to several years later) is that life happens. All of a sudden you are swamped at work and get behind and the next thing you know you're 8 episodes back with no hope of catching up in any sort of reasonable fashion.

But for whatever reason, I was watching Sailor Moon Crystal this weekend and I thought, "I need to snark this." Please don't get me wrong. I was a child of the 90s and I loved Sailor Moon back, which is why it feels only right to do this. So introducing: Sailor Moon Mondays! where I snark the latest episode of Sailor Moon Crystal ever other week. If you never watched the original don't worry, Sailor Moon Crystal is a reboot; so you won't miss anything. Also you can watch it for free on Hulu. So lets get started:

Episode 1: Usagi - Sailor Moon

Let me get it out of the way right now, that having been a loyal viewer of the original English dubbed Sailor Moon back when I was eleven, it is going to be hard for me to get used to Sailor Moon being name Usagi and not Serena. So if I screw it up, please forgive me. Also iMac volunteered to watch the new Sailor Moon with me because he said "its a gateway drug to other anime," which he is always trying to get me to watch.

So the first 90 seconds are just pretty animated shots of the solar system and the moon. Nobody is watching this for the artistry. Get to the story. Oh there we go. Usagi is the same as always: oversleeping, being forgetful and clumsy as hell. This is the perfect way to introduce a heroine- have her tumble down some stairs. Clearly this happens all the time as her mom doesn't even get up to check on her. She simply yells down the hall asking if she is alright.

Credits time: I have to admit the new song is catchy and fits the show. Although they keep going on about shiny makeup, which concerns me slightly. Why does their make-up need to be shiny? Isn't makeup supposed to make your face less shiny? Being a fan of the 1995 version its hard for me to not be like "where is the Sailor Moon Theme Song?!?" though. I mean how can you not love this:
Moving on: I can already tell these new title cards are going to bother me.  We see Usagi running towards school and telling us a little about herself. In her own words she is 14 in eighth grade, clumsy and a crybaby. Clearly, she knows herself well. I don't know how many adults are willing to be like "yep, I'm a fucking crybaby. Deal with it." As she is telling us this, she trips over a cat. She runs over to pick up the cat and kisses it. The cat reacts exactly as you would expect a cat to react.
That's pretty much how my cat reacts to me every morning when I try to pet her. Further proof that cats are in fact evil. Well except this cat of course. Usagi pulls off the band-aids covering a little moon on the cats forehead and the cat runs off. Usagi then remembers that she was supposed to be at school and freaks out.

Cut scene to our first encounter with a villain. He's a blond man pulling a pile of goo and dust up off the floor to take the shape of a woman. What is it with the Japanese making villains out of putty? Isn't this how expendable henchmen were made on Power Rangers too? Then he asks it to find the "Legendary Silver Crystal." Listen as far as macguffins go the Legendary Silver Crystal already sounds a lot better than the Sankara Stones (sorry George Lucas, they sucked).

Usagi finally gets to school to be reprimanded by the teacher. Clearly this getting to school late happens all the time. The teacher forces her to stand out in the hallway. Since she rushed out of the house early she decides to eat her lunch. Listen, I don't blame her for this. You know how hard it is to concentrate on anything over a growling stomach. Girl, eat your food.... until of course the teacher catches you and yells at you about bad grades. I guess they let her back in class because we meet her best friend Naru and the annoying class nerd with weird eyes. I mean really he has hypnotize eyes.
Also games? I'd like to punch him too

Finally its lunch time and poor Usagi can eat. She's there with Naru and two other girls. Its not important to learn any of these girls names as they will be disappearing within the next 5 episodes when the Sailor Scouts arrive. I mean Sailor Moon can't be friends with these people after she gets magical powers. These girls are all talking about the recent robberies at jewelry stores and how Sailor V foiled the robbers plans. How is it that Sailor Moon is the leader of this group when Sailor V has been kicking-ass and taking names for a long time before her?

Naru then talks about how her family owns a jewelry store and how they are having a big discount sale. How very convenient for the plot of this show. They go to the jewelry store after school and there is like a mad panic of people shoving at the jewelry. We then cut to the mom being all evil-like about how the jewelry is sucking the energy out of these people. Isn't this like the entire plot of Hocus Pocus?
Usagi gets all upset because she can't afford the jewelry and her mom sure isn't going to buy her any with the 30 she got on today's test. She leaves the jewelry store, crumples up her test and we meet- Mamoru when the test hits him. He doesn't waste a second before insult Usagi about her hairstyle and it brings me back to my meatball-head- days-of-yore.
They argue before Usagi runs away muttering how he is wearing a tuxedo in the middle of the day. Really its not the tuxedo that gets me but the pocket watch. It's 2014 who fucking wears a pocket watch anymore? Is he a 90 year old British royal? Anyways, he is also looking for the Legendary Silver Crystal.

Usagi still feeling down on herself walks past an arcade that has a big poster for a Sailor V game. Wanting to be more like Sailor V, she takes an detour into the arcade and I take a detour back to 1992 when arcades still existed. She plays the game, we meet Motoki - the cute arcade attendant. The cute cat with the moon on her head shows up at the arcade and Usagi makes fun of her for having a crescent-shaped bald patch. For as upset as Usagi got when Tuxedo Mask made fun of her hair, you would think she wouldn't criticize the cat's style choice.
Usagi then finally goes home where her mom questions her about the test and then freaks the fuck out at her. I mean I got bad grades in my day but my mom never told me to not come home for them. Her mom then shoves her 14 year old daughter outside and tells her to not come home. Even in Japan completely negligent parenting happens on shows with teenagers. I immediately was like "what is the crime rate in Tokyo," and was answered with "Japan has one of the lowest crime rates in the world." Still leaving a 14 year old locked outside at night seems like a bad idea.

Eventually Usagi is let back into the house and she goes straight to take a nap. This is my kind of girl; naps are awesome. She has a dream which features  Sailor V fighting Godzilla. The Japanese really know how to get their cameos in.
Usagi is then woken up by the cat with the moon shape on her head and the cat talks to her. Usagi reacts the way any 14 year old girl would react by climbing under the cover and assuming she is dreaming. The cat introduces herself as Luna and gives her a present. The cat tells her she is the choose guardian and must save Tokyo and my thought is in a city of 13.35 million people they couldn't find someone more qualified than a 14 year old girl?

Anyways we then get our look at the new transformation sequence. I'm a little jealous of those perfect glowing nails because I can never get my nail polish to look that good. The sequence little longer than the original one and Sailor Moon got some sweet new accessories, but it still pretty awesome.

Usagi can then hear her friend Naru in trouble and although clumsy and not at all qualified for the job, she runs to save her. Naru's mom is locked in the basement and the villain-of-the-week is about to kill Naru when Sailor Moon shows up. The villain asks who she is an clearly Sailor Moon has no idea who she is either. Luckily, Luna is there to remind her.
The villain-of-the-week then calls all her energy zombies to attack Sailor Moon and like any good heroine, Sailor Moon trips and falls. Luna tells her to fight, but like a smart 14 year old girl she is running for her life. Of course she breaks into tears and starts crying, which turns out to be sonic crying and all the windows in the jewelry store shatter and the zombies cover their ears. So basically you are telling me she is a super hero and her skill is crying? Way to set the feminist movement back ten years. I could not sum it up better than my friend Lorriane:
After the crying has immobilized the energy zombie everyone keeps telling her to "do it now" and she has no idea what they are talking about. Give the girl a clue here, she only became Sailor Moon five minutes ago. Home-girl has no idea what she is doing. Finally, she takes off her tiara so it can becoming "moon tiara boomerang" and I burst into laughter at how completely ridiculous that sounded. The tiara flies off barely touches the villain-of-the-week and the villain disintegrates back into dust. Tuxedo Mask tells her job well done and hops off, jumping higher than no normal person ever could.

We then cut back to the original blond villain watching from his crystal orb and muttering about having to get that Legendary Silver Crystal. I'm concerned they are going to call it the "Legendary Silver Crystal" every time. Is there another non-legendary silver crystal we can get it mixed up with? I think we can safely call it the Silver Crystal and by now everyone knows it is legendary.

Usagi is back in school the next day and all her friend can talk about is being saved by a Sailor Scout and this right here is why these friends will stop existing soon. There is no way a 14 year old girl like Usagi is going to be able to keep this a secret for long. We then see out the window where Sailor Mercury is running in the rain.

I have to say its a pretty strict reboot. The story doesn't seemed to have changed much. I will say I was put off by how much skinnier the characters are this time around. Usagi's face is much shallower and pointier than it was before. Plus, she looks older; less like a 14 year old. Her arms and legs are much skinnier too. I realize the reboot is supposed to be in the style of the original manga but I do worry they made the characters a bit too skinny.

Anyways, how did everyone else like the new Sailor Moon Crystal?

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Confession: Being Boss-Y

So I've always been the kind of girl that people called bossy. I kind of had to be as a kid; I had younger siblings and a mom who was still young in her own right (Seriously I was 10 and she was 26). Somewhere in all of that I developed an attitude that if shit needed to get done right I needed to take charge and make sure that happened. This doesn't mean I didn't play well with others or railroaded people into doing what I wanted. I had more than my fair of group projects where I took a backseat to other more-vocal bossy people.

But somewhere along the line I learned how to take charge and get things done. This is especially true of my relationship with iMac. I am a super-type A neurotic. I pretty much have a set routine and start planning out my weekends on Thursday. That being said, iMac is a very mellow type-B and that is both good for me because it forces me to relax to accommodate him, and bad because I am forced to plan and coordinate everything (and when I ask for his input its "yeah thats fine".... gggrrrr). So I've gotten really used to bossing him around because if I didn't nothing would get done.

This is all well and good, but its funny now that I am technically a "boss" (I'm a middle manager in-charge of two-soon-to-be-four people), I find it an uncomfortable feeling. I mean I think I'm pretty good at training people to do the job and I try very hard to lead by example. When it comes to telling people what to do, or that they are doing something wrong, however, I feel sort of awkward about it...almost guilty.

The thing is I don't want to make anyone feel bad about themselves and I don't want to be Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada. Nobody wants to be the boss that everyone hates and I just got rid of one of those, so I know how awful they can be. So I try really hard to be the boss without being bossy, and I try to show people how they could be doing things better instead of telling them they did something wrong (although I suppose wrong-ness is implicit in the fact that I am pointing out things they can do better).

The problem with this is that people don't change overnight and while I need to be forward about things needing to be done and stuff that has to change, my team has to be receptive to changing. We get so complacent in how things are, that we don't want to change. I don't want to be a bossy bitch, but I'm going to have to get comfortable with that if I don't want to get walked on. So I'm probably going to have to channel my inner- Devil Wears Prada Christian Siriano and I just have to find a way to get used to it.

Interwebs: did you ever have this problem? How did you handle it?

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So uh... June Happened

So I did really well in May. I even managed to blog 5 times in a single month!  I act like this is some amazing feet and not something I used to do all the time.

And then uh.... June happened. I don't really have any reason for not blogging in June other than I had nothing to say, much like right now where I am just inanely rambling. But here is the wrap up on my life in June:

~ I fucking live in Florida and its like living on the sun. I mean I have always lived in the South and I have always known what humidity is like (and my hair hates me for it), but June in Florida is just different. It's like 100 degrees everyday until about 3 o'clock and then it rains for anywhere between 15 minutes and an hour and a half. I mean it happens so on schedule I could set my watch to it if I lived in 1952 and owned a watch. The funny thing is this happens everyday and I never take an umbrella to work. I know its going to rain and I also know it will be over by the time I leave work.
I don't live in Miami but its pretty accurate

~ I got to see G-Fab! Some of you long time readers of this blog might remember hearing about my best friend in the whole wide world, Geoff the Fabulous. Geoff up and left me to move to sunny San Fran and get married to a college professor. Well as luck would have it his family was vacationing at Disney World and he was there. I only got to spend about 3 hours with him at dinner after driving 2 hours to see him, but it was 3 hours after not seeing him for SIX YEARS. The best part is that he and iMac got along swimmingly, so I don't have to worry about G-Fab not approving (which would be kinda late since I already agreed to marry iMac).

~ My wedding dress came in from the store I ordered it from. It might seem silly to order a special dress for my wedding since we are just eloping, but dammit this is the only wedding I am ever supposed to have and I'd just like to look nice in the pictures. But of course as my luck would have it, I try on the dress and break the zipper. 

I wanted to just cry into the dress, because of course this just made me feel like I weight 300 pounds and am going to look like a baby whale on my wedding day. I took the dress back to the store and they are fixing the zipper for me for free (apparently it happens frequently with the type of dress I ordered due to the way the material gathers). That being said I am on a restrictive diet with a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio everyday until iMac and I elope, which could be whenever. So expect many tweets of how I hate exercise and how I miss chocolate

So how did everyone else's June go for them?

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Open Letter: These Are Facts People

Dear History Channel:

No one was more excited to find out that you were doing a documentary entitled "The World Wars." I guarantee you no one ran to their Tivo's faster than I did. World War I is kind of my wheelhouse. I only spent 6 years of college studying it. I wrote my Master Thesis on the diplomacy and events that led up to WWI (if you would like to torture yourself reading it, send me an email and I'll send you the link). That thesis took 2 years and over 100 hours of research mostly on documents from 1890-1914 some in French or German.

So let me say that no one was more upset and disappointed in the choices you made in this "documentary". You spent the first 10 minutes talking about Hitler before WWI even started. You completely glossed over all the causes of WWI. Hell, you didn't even explain why Franz Ferdinand getting shot caused the war. It was like Archduke was shot and the war started.

Then instead of talking about the war itself: the battles, the diplomacy, the motivations of these countries; you instead focus on Hitler as a messenger in the German Army, Patton and his tanks, and Churchill. You don't even talk about Verdun and the Somme, two of the biggest (and most deadly) battles of the war.  You don't even talk about the French Army sending troops in taxicabs to Paris as the German army was literally about to take the city. That's at least an entertaining story.

But then you go onto say that Germany surrendered in WWI. I nearly choked on my soda when that was said. There is a very BIG difference between an armistice and a surrender. You might as well say North Korea surrendered in the Korean war if you are going to equate those two words.

My list of other grievances includes:
  • Not giving any mention to the long-standing anti-semitism in Germany that existed long before Hitler came about.
  • Not mention of Hitler coming to power through democratic methods
  • The one sad mention of Lenin and how you made it seem like he single-highhandedly overthrew the Tsar (who had abdicated the throne months earlier).
  • Failing to note that half of Czechoslovakia and all of Austria wanted Germany to annex them.  It's was hardly a hostile takeover.
  • Glossing over both the Pacific Theater and the African theater of WWII, with no mention of the Japanese atrocities during the war.
  • Covering WWII with no mention of Eisenhower. Eisenhower was far and away 100xs more important in WWII than Patton or MacArthur.

My list actually goes on and on but I doubt anyone reading this cares. I'm just very disappointed in you, History Channel, you had the chance to make a really great documentary that could have been both entertaining and informative. Yet, you choose to gloss over or completely neglect the complex and nuanced causes for the war, ignore major battles and got basic facts wrong. You choose to focus on 6 big personalities from the wars instead of the actual events. I'm sorry, no one needs another Hitler or Patton documentary.

It almost feels like you choose to dumb down the history of the two world wars because you felt like the American public couldn't handle the complex reasons and nuances of the wars. It's like you felt there had to be a black and white good guy vs bad guy story for Americans to understand it or even watch. That's just not fair to the American people or the facts of the wars. Plus it's shitty history at best.

Sincerely (and please do better next time),

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Vacation: Had to Getaway

So last week iMac and I embarked on a cruise to the Caribbean (which I managed to get on without a passport). To say that this vacation was desperately needed is an understatement. The last year has just been crazy with my job problems and then moving and finding new jobs. iMac and I have just not been able to get away and relax like we wanted to. Plus work has been just crazy crazy with projects and overtime and stress.

So trust me the minute we got on the boat it was like all the stress just lifted off our shoulders. That being said the 5.5 hour trip from where we live in Florida to Miami to make the ship caused me to nearly kill iMac. We took a wrong turn in Miami (easy to do) and cut it super close. We managed to check in just 15 minutes before check-in closed. If we had missed the boat after driving almost 6 hours, I probably would have cried and then killed iMac.
It was really windy on the boat.

I won't lie we spent the better part of the first afternoon/night napping in our room. iMac and I frankly lazy bastards. We did make it to dinner in the dining room where I had the best brisket I have ever had in my life. For anyone who hasn't been on a cruise, the food is literally the best thing ever. Not only is it a 24 hour buffet but the food is incredible too. I firmly believe if you don't come back 5 pounds heavier after a cruise, you did something wrong. Unfortunately, iMac doesn't let me instagram my food anymore (I have to do it when he's not watching), so there are no cruise food pics.

We spent the next day of the cruise (just a day at sea) hanging out on the pool deck watching the Mr. Hairy Legs contest and being complete dumbasses. iMac is a natural redhead and I'm pasty-as-fuck and yet neither of us thought to put on sunscreen when we decided to hang out on the deck in the Caribbean. We were only out there maybe 1.5-2 hours and yet iMac literally turned into lobster boy. I was burnt too but not to the point where I looked like I had been set on fire like iMac.

This was really not a good thing since we had 4 more days in the Caribbean and the next two days being in Jamaica and Grand Cayman. We got really lucky, we went to Dunn River Fall's in Jamaica which is this gorgeous waterfall in like the middle of the jungle. So we were in waist-deep in water and covered by beautiful forest for most of our time there.

How gorgeous is this?

We didn't climb all the way to the top of the waterfall (its 600 feet long and 180 feet high) because I nearly twisted my ankle at one of the middle parts. Plus it started down pouring during the middle of the climb and it felt like little icy bullets on my skin.

But trying to leave the falls was an adventure.To get out of the area back to where the bus stop was, you have to go through a little market full of vendors. I've been to NYC multiple times and I have never had to deal with such pushy salesmen. These guys would call you over and shove things into your hands telling you they were free only to tell you five minutes later you had to pay for them. iMac and I had literally three dollars of cash and no credit card on us, and these guys did not take that for an answer. We finally got away from the first one only to run into a second one doing the same thing (he actually gave us necklaces for our 3 bucks). So we get away from the second guy and we've already wasted like 10 minutes, and so I'm in NJ bitch mode. I've got my head down, not making eye-contact, walking fast and if anyone talked to me I would say I was interested.

You're trapped on all sides

Unfortunately, iMac is from Charleston. So moving quickly and not talking to people isn't in his nature. I lost him while trying to get out and finally found him with a third peddler doing the same spiel as the first two.  I finally get him away from that one and he lets another peddler (this time female) do this. We wasted over 30 minutes with 4 different salespeople doing this to us when we had no cash. Finally, I grabbed iMac by the wrist and drug him out of there since he was perfectly alright with letting every single one of these salespeople give him the same dog-and-pony show about buying something even though we had no cash. I had to cut short a fifth one with a quick "we have no cash" to even get out of the place.

I mean I know this is these people's livelihood's but damn people back-off. There was actually one girl waiting for the bus with us that had like 8 different things she had bought.

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Do I Look Like I Need More Hormones?

So medical care, like any normal person I need it every once and awhile.  So I made an appointment and went to the Ob/Gyn for my yearly check-up (mostly because my birth control was running out and I needed a refill). My family has forever called it getting a "lube job" which is both really awful and incredible accurate.
Its marginally similar

Anyways, so while I was there I thought I would switch up my birth control. I've said before that I have not so great luck with birth control in general as more often than not I have less than stellar side-effects. Since iMac and I aren't looking to have kids anytime soon I thought I would get the birth control implant. It's a little implant about the size of a matchstick that they put in your arm and you can't get pregnant for 3 years. Unfortunately my doctor couldn't give it to me since she works in a Catholic Hospital. So she referred me to another OB/GYN to go to just to get the implant.

This is where things start to go wrong in this story. So I call this other doctors office to make and appointment and the first time the receptions sends me straight to a voicemail even though she told me she was sending me to the appointment line. So I call back confused and she tells me to leave a voicemail and sends me to a different line. So I leave a voicemail and no one calls back. So I call back late that afternoon (like at close) and I get an appointment made.

So a week later I take an hour off work to drive to bum-fuck-nowhere 30 minutes away from my job to get this implant. It seems normal at first, fill out paperwork, pay my fee, wait to be called. Then I get called into the area to talk to the nurse and she starts asking me all sorts of weird questions like: "What's your hormone count?" and "When did you go through menopause?" 

At this point I am very confused, as these don't seem like the type of questions you get for a routine birth control visit. So when I say I haven't been through menopause, she asks me why I am getting hormone replacement therapy.

To which I replied, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Apparently the person who actually made my appointment never looked at my referral paperwork and somehow thought I was coming in for hormone replacement therapy. The best part is that I when was explaining what I was actually referred for, the nurse acted like I was crazy. I had to explain it like three times and finally pull out my referral paperwork to prove to her I wasn't there to get any hormones pumped into my body.

Once they figured out what had happened they offered to reschedule, but by that time I didn't trust them to get it right the second time. Instead I went back to my doctor to get another type of birth control, only to find out that wasn't covered by my medical insurance after I was charged $70 dollars for it. So needless to say I am going to have to switch it again next time I go back to the doctors.

Dammit people, why are you making it so hard for me to not have a baby. 

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